Vincenzo Devellis

"ROCCO!" I tried to grab for Rocco's arm again but was shaken off. Ever since the fight was broken up, Rocco's been extremely angry. Twice as much because I also made the mistake to going to talk to Danny after he beat Rocco up.

Luckily he had waited for me at the park across from the school long enough for me to catch him.

"You're an ass Vincenzo! A fucking asshole! Don't fucking touch me again!" He screamed, that nagging feeling of doubt I'd been carrying since we'd moved in together was dancing around at the front of my mind. "I knew something was going on between you two!"

"Come on Rocco, I'm sorry! It didn't mean anything, didn't I tell you how bad I feel about it?" I pleaded.

"And I don't believe you!" I yelled, "God, I can't even look at you right now!" He said, covering my eyes.

"Roc, I-" 

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!" He screamed, then took a breath "I can't talk to you right now," he said, fixing his and his coat, "I'm done Vincenzo, so get out of my sight-"

"Would hitting me help you feel better?" I tried desperately. I leaned forward and presented my face to him. "Just hit me if you have to! Whatever will help you feel better! But we have to talk!"

Rocco slapped me as hard as he could across my face. In fact it was so hard that I was able to taste blood in my mouth. "You always just do whatever the hell you want anyway! Especially when it's about that fucking guy! You were more worried about him the other day too! Fuck I even watched you give him flowers for fuck sake! Twice as big as the bouquet you gave me! Is this how you try and make up for what you did? Did you seriously think that would work?!"

"Then tell me what to do, Rocco!" I wasn't sure how the fuck I could fix any of this! In fact, I feel like I was already emotionally drained. My heart felt like it was stabbed and I felt like I had lost something incredibly important. I thought about how stupid I was to think that he would still want to be my friend. How id finally got him back and now I had lost him forever. "Please, what am I supposed to do now?"

You weren't even being this extreme before! You even acted like you were the only one on earth who understood me! You'd smile at me like I was doing the right thing and would even cut me some slack when I messed up in front of you.

Why'd he have to send his sister in behind my back like that? We were doing so damn well!

"I thought we were on the same page about this relationship but.....you've never experienced unrequited love before recently either, have you? You know exactly how the fuck it feels, because you've yearned for someone to the point that it becomes all consuming! Now I'm going through the same thing with you! I'm desperate for you to like me! That's why I'm trying my hardest to understand you but it fucking hurts!" Rocco snapped.

"Fine, I'll try to make it up to you then!"

"You don't even like me though! I'll always be in second place to him!"

"That's not true! I told you we're only friends! I have been putting you first, Rocco!" I argued. "The only thing I can't wrap my head around is why fighting someone who's sick was even an option!"

"I'm done trying to make this work between us!" Rocco snapped back at me. "It happened because I was jealous! Why can't I measure up to someone like that?! Why can I never be as good as him for you?! Who would even care if he's sick?"

Is that how I've been making him feel? In fact....this wasn't the first time I've heard this criticism and to be fair, Danny was the person always on my mind when I did things. "It can't.....that's not true! If you're just angry at me-"

"No! Why the fuck would you even introduce me to the person you're so obsessed with? Why the fuck would I ever want to know someone like him?"

"You don't even know him-"

"See how quick you are to defend him? He's not even here to thank you for it! But you're still in his corner!"

"I've already told you why he was important to me! I just....ugh, forget it! I'll stay far away from him from now on so we can just avoid all the drama!"

"There is no we! I don't want your help anymore! When I actually needed it, you didn't do shit!"

"You told me to stay out of the fight!" I reminded him. "I know you don't want my help anymore! I don't even know how to help myself through this! But I just couldn't jump the person who basically raised me! I can't do more to that family than I already have!"

"All the places we went-"

"I know what you've been worried about! I swear I've never been to any of those places with him! In fact, I've never really been anywhere with him! Rocco, you appeared in my life out of nowhere, and you acted like you know me so well and everything I'm thinking! But you never actually tell me anything real about yourself! You're always doing things that make no sense! I think you're great when you're being you, and you act like this will last forever! But whenever I take a step closer to you, you take two steps back and try to manipulate me into thinking something else!"

"Manipulate?"

"The baggage I came with, I thought you knew it already! I told you all the bad things I've ever done in my life and why I wanted to be a good person! I'm trying my hardest here! Just tell me what I did wrong because nothing I did with you had to do with Danny! Just tell me and I'll try even harder for you."

"You're fucking pathetic, Vincenzo! You look pathetic too, all alone in your head as though the entire human civilization has died! He's not the only person in the world!"

Pathetic. That's what I really felt like right now. My grades, my talent, my parents, all they tell are lies about who I really am. I know what I want to do but I don't do it. I keep trying to avoiding the unavoidable. I neglect my feelings for the sake of another's by thinking this relationship would be different. I don't know if I'm doing something good or bad, but why does it always feel so awful and lonely?

All the pain I had in my life was all things I had coming. The scars and memories of a should-be forgotten past I remember clearly. But can I really blame anyone other than myself? No. I was too trusting back then, I thought I had changed. Seems I haven't changed at all.

It felt pathetic of me.

I hated feeling pathetic, and i hated the way Rocco was rightfully calling me out on my shit. Because that was definitely pathetic. I was scared. I wasn't sure why I was scared, or why I was shaking slightly. I could only clench my teeth in frustration. It was the leftovers of grief that I hadn't fully dealt with yet. Plus I hadn't been sleeping well; I'd been having the nightmares again, waking Martin in the middle of the night. I felt a stab of guilt; a stab that hit me right in the lungs again. Im still depressed, and I probably used everyone I knew selfishly to cope with it. 

There is no such thing as a beautiful depression.

True depression smells awful.

It smells of unwashed hair and body, of dirty clothes and leftover food on plates that doesn't make it to the sink, much less into the dishwasher. It smells of the mold growing in wet towels or dirty clothes thrown at the floor which would stay if it weren't for Sam's cleaning lady. It smells of the tears and snot that leaks out of a me in the depths of my despair, and the pool of sweat I often wake up in because of my nightmares.

True depression is not clean and pure.

It is layers of dust covering the living space because there is no strength or will to clean. It's remnants of half-eaten meals caked into plates and silverware, staining rugs, couch fabrics and table cloths. It is sand, dirt and dry leaves dragged in from the less and less frequent trips outside of the home. It is teeth that rarely gets brushed, hair that is greasy from lack of washing, it is fingernails with a line of dirt. True depression is piles of dirty dishes and heaps of dirty clothes, its dirty windows behind closed curtains, and greasy mirrors and cobwebs in the corners. It is overflowing trashcans and long-forgotten stains on the bed sheets.

True depression is not a higher state of a creative mind.

There simply is nothing stellar about creating texts, paintings or exorcise while not putting on some deodorant because the mind is too exhausted to care about its own very living space.....the body. Creative and intelligent people are generally more susceptible to depression, but only because we can see the bullshit better.

I remember Dan once told me that miners used to keep canaries because when the oxygen levels dropped, the birds died first and gave the humans a chance to escape before the levels dropped to a lethal level for them. The same way, sensitive people are usually the first to bend at unhealthy environments - physical, mental or emotional - but they are not the last. They are only the canaries in the mines.

Depression is not beautiful. It is a disgusting condition, a downright sneer thrown straight into the face of the sensitive people who generally are those who really mind their environment the most, and needs beauty, cleanliness and serenity to feel good. It is not something to envy, not something that "brings out the artist" or "the genius" in anyone. Depression is a shit-smelling demon and it makes you not care what you smell like. It is nothing anyone strives for or invites to them. It invades and isolates you. And sometimes it wins. Because its voice sounds so true.

"You're useless. Nobody loves you. Nobody cares if you live or die. You'll never amount to anything. You fail at everything. Why do you even keep trying? You'll never do anything worthwhile. You're a waste of breath!"

The voice which isn't a voice but rather a feeling, a twisted coarse rope pulled too tight around your neck, and it goes on, and on, and on. It never stops. If you try to contradict it by something like "but he likes me," it changes its tune to an almost apologetic "yes, so he says, but remember how he looked at you today", or "sure, but everyone knows they'll just dump you for someone better, so what good does that do?" or "but he's a friend, so he kind of has to say it doesn't he?"

Endlessly ranting. Endlessly bringing up stuff from years ago, a word you mispronounced or when you tripped getting out of a car and a bunch of teenagers burst out laughing, or even something that's actually valid to feel bad about; an argument you had or calling someone a name they probably didn't deserve. Almost killing someone. Almost breaking up a family. Knowing that you are the bad guy! Oh, that voice is always there to remind you how useless you are and how nobody cares about you.

But apart from suggesting different things to make matters worse, by hurting yourself or offering relief that ends up having the same effects... what does that voice really offer? Does it ever present actual facts or realistic ways of dealing with the situation? Or is it the Donald Trump of the mind, seeing how far it can go before something huge pops off, just for its own amusement?

If the brain is a computer, the most sophisticated in the universe perhaps, then isn't this voice just a computer virus, and not even a very sophisticated one at that? It spews out the same thing over and over, but does it ever win by logic, or just because it wears down its host? And if it wears down its host, is there really nothing a good, strong network can do against it? There should be, shouldn't it?

What a roundabout way to see the truth. Lately I want to cry more I've wanted to cry more, shut myself off from the world. My feelings are a jumbled mess. All.....urgh! I wish I could be as passive as everyone else. Have no feelings, maybe.

But, I don't want to die....do I?

"I apologize for not stopping the fight," I mumbled. "And I'm sorry that I keep making you feel that way because I was being selfish."

"Why the fuck do you look like that?" Rocco suddenly looked serious. It was when he said that, I realized the tears that were streaming down my face a mile a minute.

"I'm sorry, Rocco," I lowered my head so i didn't have to watch him feel pity for me after I felt my revelation. "I really thought I was doing better for real this time! Just.....please don't leave me alone too."

"Stop playing with me! I don't even usually care about crap like this or people like you! This was supposed to be something good and fun! If you can't treat me like you do, just go and find a girlfriend to be awful too! Don't treat me as a stand in! Who the fuck do you think-"

I pulled Rocco into a tight hug to try and reassure him. "Rocco.....I can't begin to imagine how was it for you? But you were never a stand in! I'm sorry that I never expressed myself well enough! For me our relationship is really nice, but I feel as if you might regret whatever we did. I think I know why you went out with me at in the first place. You were hurt by something and you felt sorry for me, I suppose you felt lonely and empty as well. But still, if that is the case, I really love it. I was happy that you gave me a chance to be nice and to be touched by you. And I'm glad you cared about me even if it was only a little. So don't ever feel bad for me again. Rocco, I'm sorry for letting you get hurt by my selfishness. I'll stop trying to be friends with Danny and I'll completely cut him out of my life. I'll never mention him again. Anything you want. I'm sorry!"

"Why are you even reacting this way to me?" Rocco asked. "It's surprising that you even care."

Am I that bad. "I do care. If I didn't....if it were anyone else, I wouldn't have bothered arguing. Just let me explain why I think I've become this way."

"Will you finally tell me about it?" Rocco asked. "I want to know more than he knows. Don't leave anything out."

"My 'parents' hate me. Completely and utterly hate me," I confessed. "They hate me because I wasn't born normal."

I told him how it all started since I could remember. I guess from what I heard back then, my mother and my father had been fighting for months before that but kept it on low radar for my sake. They fought about little, stupid things first. The bills, who needs to do the dishes, blah blah blah. Then it got more intense. They fought about harsh things. I'd sit in my bedroom and listen to it sometimes. They'd fight about how if my mom never got pregnant my dad would have left her. Like I said, harsh. I ignored it because I figured it was the heat of the moment. They were just mad and they'd kiss and make up later, I'd tell myself they didn't mean it. Turns out, I wasn't that smart despite my straight A's in school.

My dad had cheated on my mother and instead of breaking up, they gave it a second chance by having Giacomo. After he was born, things turned very awful for me. Suddenly, it was decided that I was the only problem and my mother made sure to isolate me as much as possible by telling lies. If I went anywhere new, the people there just wouldn't trust me or would go out of their way to ignore me. The only people who remained unshakable was Danny and his father because they knew about me. Of course, my mother found a way to poison the well for the only good relationship I had.....just because she could.

Around the same time as Giacomo's birth, my father started to take out all his emotions on me. At first it was little things, like no dinner or just being berated, but it escalated extremely quickly. I explained to Rocco that my father was a cruel and evil man. I had once gotten so scared that I told a teacher and she called the police. In the end, my father had charmed his way out of the situation and I had gotten the punishment of a lifetime. I told him about the years of beatings and almost near death experiences all caused by my father terrorizing me just because his own life was miserable. I was forced to take up a sport just so I could try to defend myself better. 

Eventually the beatings stopped, but the psychological damage was already done. My mother had sabotaged the friendship between Danny and I....so I turned to torturing Danny. I isolated him, like my mother had done to me. I let my friends beat and bully and step on his pride until there was nothing left to step on. After he had become an empty shell of his former self, I stepped it up. 

I let him know about the vacation that I had almost killed Danny. How I took his inhaler and how blue he was when we came back to the hotel room. How he had not been breathing before the paramedics were able to bring him back, we were just lucky that we came back early. After that, I had let my exs bully him into near fatal situations for his weak body. I could've stopped it at anytime, but I didn't. 

When I found out the truth about everything after a fist fight with my dad....i guess that was the end of everything. In my head, Danny had saved me once again and shamed my parents, something I'd always been too weak to do myself. Too bad it had no lasting effect on them.

By then, I had become obsessed with having one good thing in my life. I was obsessed with making things right and going back to old times. To a time I thought was good but in reality was just as bad. I went absolutely insane trying to get him back from Ashton and basically did the opposite of what I set out to do.

Actually, Ashton had a point. It was never actually love I felt for him. I just thought of him as the ideal parent since he literally always took care of me no matter what. I was obsessed with the idea of having him to myself because I benefited from it every time....but if I continued, I'd be the death of him.

I let him know about how I teamed up with Ashton's biological mother, even though he was paying for my therapy, to try and break them up in a last ditch effort. How that terrible decision almost separated Danny from his family under false pretenses, which caused such a shock to Danny that he had a heart attack and flatlined twice. Luckily the plan had failed, and I later found out through the news that had Ashton's mom been successful, Danny would be in an unknown location being trafficked. 

When he rejected me in the hospital....i had realized what a monster I was becoming. Realizing that I was most likely exactly like my father, came as a huge shock and that's when I really started to put in the effort to change myself.

"I'm sorry that I spoke about him again, but it is literally part of my story. I idolized him to an unhealthy degree....i shouldn't have even still tried to be friends with him....ugh, it's not as dramatic as you thought it would be, huh? Sometimes, I wonder if things would've been better if I had just left the guy alone, or if I hadn't looked up to him so much, or even if I am able to be emotionally stable." I ran my hands through my hair. "If I hadn't been born, none of it would've happened and everyone would've been better off."

Rocco looked at me deep in thought. I watched the surprise on his face fade into something different. Discontent? Fear? Disgust? I wasn't sure what the hell it was.

"Not dramatic? That was an entire telenovela, Vinny. If this isn't a big deal, I don't know what is. Maybe I shouldn't have been so curious about you," Rocco finally said. "Hearing the details of things, a lot of what you said and did makes sense to me now. You keep pretending you're fine so people don't pity you, but you have no idea how to actually deal with pain."

"Well-"

"Vincenzo, you're not ok. You're clearly in a lot of pain. I might not be able to understand much how you feel now, but I feel sorry for child Vinny."

"Don't, he's long gone. Rocco, the person I like is you. I feel strange when I look at you and think about you. Once we got involved with each other, everything got clear but uncomfortable for me. I no pretended not to acknowledge it because I'm scared of trusting someone again and completely failing them like with everyone else in my life."

"What do you-"

"I'm sorry, Rocco. I should've just been honest about it from the start. I vocalized my feelings a bit too late and made you confused by acting the way I did. You're hurt, and I'm sorry."

"Why....i don't get how your past suddenly came up in the middle of me being mad at you! Are you seriously trying to make excuses for how you've treated me? I didn't ask you to do any of that! You're selfish and never think of anyone's feelings but your own. So why don't you just keep on living like that?"

"Rocco-"

"I'm serious! I want to know why I have to know about all that? Do you still need something from me? Do you still want to use me until you feel better?"

"I never wanted to used you," I said. "I never tried to use you either. I'm just incredibly insecure and cowardly. I have no idea what I'm doing-"

"NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE DOING?!!!!" Rocco yelled. "Are you expecting me to just brush it under the rug because 'you don't know what the fuck to do?' That entire sob story, was it just to make me come and coddle you? Fucking selfish!"

"I really thought I was doing my best....its not a lie," I pleaded. "No, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."

I felt Rocco trembling. "You acted like, the fact that I liked you was annoying and I was something to avoid! If....if you had just told me that you were scared of your emotions or told me how you felt one time.....I could've helped you with it...."

I frantically wiped the tears from Rocco's face. "It wasn't like that! I didn't mean to make you feel that way! I didn't realize....i didn't ask you to stay just to make you cry." I have to hard of a time trusting people, and in all honesty, I don't want to ever again! There was no point if I was only going to be abandoned again. I wanted for us to maintain rain a safe distance while we got to know each other. Then maybe, I eventually wouldn't be so fucking scared of feeling anything or hurting him to the point of no return. "Rocco, please don't cry. It's all my fault."

How many times did you cry before you told me this? Who was there to comfort you about the way I kept making you feel? Am I even capable of comforting you after causing these tears? I'm really scared to look into Rocco's eyes and see the glaring disappointment.....but if I meet your eyes and say anything more, are you just going to call me selfish again? 

"You..."

"Rocco, I know that I have no excuse for what I did. It's ok if you're mad at me! You can insult me! You should do that! I'm sorry I made you feel like this," I pleaded again. "I really don't want to let you go. If I ask you to stay with me, it's not because I want to use you at all. I don't need anything from you."

I just want to be someone special to you, because if the desperate feelings I had towards him. I wonder how it would feel to be a real couple and you keep giving me absolutely nothing.

"I didn't want this to end up so fucked up!" I told him. "From now on, I promise to stop trying to think emotionally, because every time I do, it seems to piss people I care about off."

"You're being scary," Rocco told me.

"What?"

"These days you're too much."

"Because I'm constantly scared that you won't look at me again."

"Isn't it a bit too late for that?"

"If I don't do anything now....you will probably leave me though. I don't want that to happen."

Rocco pulled away from the hug and looked me right in the eye. "I want things to be normal and I just wanted to have fun, but I can't do that with you."

"I can make it happen, Roc."

"I'm saying it's impossible! Don't you believe me?"

"Not at all."

"Fuck, it's like talking to a brick wall!" Rocco cursed.

"What I'm best at is desperately wanting for something." I reminded him.

Rocco's face scrunched up in annoyance. "That's such a low blow. How the hell am I supposed to respond to that?"

"I don't care if you pity me.....as long as you stay," I admitted. "Just know I'm motivated to make you want to stay with me, although I'm not sure how to do it."

"You're a fucking idiot."

"I've been told that many times before, but I'm not going to be the reason you cry again."

"Sh-shut up! You're so fucking annoying!"

"Rocco, I thought I'd be better off trying to solve the problem on my own and I'm sorry that I never explained much in detail to you before. If I were to go back in time, I can't guarantee that I would do any better, but I still regret it. I didn't even try to protect you and all I did was disappoint you."

"It's fine, what can you do about it now."

"I just want to ask if you will still go out with me and if you really lost all feelings for me," I grabbed a hold of his arms and lowered my head to him like I knew he enjoyed to see. "Is the Rocco that said he liked me completely gone now?"

"Vinny-"

"I don't think I've ever felt real affection from anyone but you in many years. Not even from my mother, I thought maybe one day she'd wake up and smile and love me for the first time. Maybe she'd hug me and tell me that I was good and everything I thought happened was only a nightmare. That's what I keep trying to let go of because it only happens in fairytales after all," I ranted. "Because of her, it's hard to accept any kind of affection. It feels scary and strange to me."

"You're trying to-"

"Correct, I'm trying to get your sympathy, because you're a nice person, and you'll feel sorry for me," finally the tears I couldn't hold back anymore couldn't be contained and started to drip onto Rocco's face. "Rocco, dio mio, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. Have you really let me go? Are you sure that you aren't just pushing me away? Are you afraid that I won't change? I promise that I'll never make you cry or feel this way again. You can do whatever you want to me. You can get mad and slap me around if you have too. You can do worse to me! I'll wait until you aren't upset anymore."

"Vincenzo," Rocco didn't brush me off or push me away this time. "I don't understand."

"This is the first time in a long time that I've felt desperate and longed for someone who wasn't...well you know. Please don't push me away. I'll do better," I begged.

"What do you even like about me?"

"You're nice, we have a lot in common and your face."

"My face?"

"You make a lot of expressions that I like seeing and it's nice when you're smiling. That's why I like your face." Rocco didn't seem to accept my answer very well. In fact, he seemed so upset that he turned his back to him. "So are you going to tell me what are you mad about or do I have to guess? I promise I'm not lying."

He gasped, turning around. "Well, if I wasn't mad before, I'm sure as hell mad now. Since when do we talk to each other like that?" he asked, furious. "Why are you bringing in the sweetness now?"

"I guess since we started giving each other the cold shoulder" I fired back.

"Vincenzo, I'm not giving you the cold shoulder! And even if I was, when did you start caring and why?"

"Probably about the time you started being mad at me all the time."

"God, you make me sound like one of those wives who's looking for a reason to get mad. You make me sound like a needy woman who is always looking for attention!"

"I'm sorry, but lately it feels exactly like that. But what I thought was the problem is now not an issue anymore but you're still upset!"

His eyes widened in surprise. Fuck I raised my voice at him again when I was starting to be in his good graces again. I needed to really learn to control my emotions better.

"Vattelo a pigliare in culo!" Rocco cursed at me before turning his back on me again and stomping off.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"I'm just going home. I think it's best if we end this here before either one of us says something we'll end up regretting in the morning tomorrow."

"Great. Run away from the problem. Haven't done that in a long time."

"Wow. Really, Vincenzo? What has gotten into you?"

"You're the one who got mad for no reason!"

"I wasn't mad Vincenzo. I was hurt that you felt the need to take his side over mine. Don't worry, I know you said he isn't important anymore but you sure don't act like it. How can I even believe what you said?"

"What exactly are you implying Rocco? That I've been having an affair with someone who's engaged?"

"Honestly Vincenzo, I don't know anymore! No one's ever been able to make me feel so....jealous! I'm mad that you're obviously hurt by cutting him off completely!" 

"Rocco, I'm sorry that I sent you away! I was just scared. I've never really been serious or good about anyone before you. Please let me in so we can discuss this," I begged. Despite whatever I felt, I just seriously wanted to fix this. I wanted him to believe that I wouldn't hurt him again like I have been, and I wanted him to believe it too. "He cut me off as well. I think I may have...gotten the closure I needed."

Hearing nothing come from his mouth, I could feel my entire body turning cold and numb. I dropped my hands from holding him in place, and my shoulders dropped dejectedly. Rocco would never forgive me. I had totally fucked things up for myself again and I wasn't sure how to fix it. Sighing, I brokenly whispered, "I really do like you, Rocco."

My chest tightened when I finally saw the black eye that was forming. He kind of looked like shit right now, but at the same time he managed to look perfect. Perfect because he was Rocco, and everything he did was usually perfect. His eyes were sad but also sparkling, and I could only pray that they were sparkling because Rocco finally believed me.

A second later Rocco was inched closer to me, a half smile on his face. He wrapped his arms around my neck and pressed his lips to mine in a gentle kiss. I pulled Rocco closer to him and kissed him back as his tongue forced its away between my slightly parted lips. He tasted of wine and salt as his velvety warm tongue twisted with my own. Then Rocco pulled away enough to whisper, "I like you a lot, too, so leave the past in the past. This is your last chance," against my lips. "I'll leave you if it happens again! No matter what!"

"I promise the past will stay in the past!" I said eagerly. "You come first always." Rocco moaned as his hands went into my hair, his fingers weaving through the strands before wrapping around my neck and pulled his body flush with mine. My hands went to his hips, to hold him there as he pressed his pelvis into mine. My lips left his and I kissed along his jaw to his ear. "I won't make you feel second best ever again."

When my lips met his again, Rocco sighed contentedly. Slowly, I lightly brushed my lips back and forth across his until I felt the tense muscles in his neck begin to relax under my touch. When I pressed my tongue against his lips seeking entrance, he opened them immediately, gasping as our tongues met and wrestled for dominance. The hand behind my neck traveled into my hair and he fisted it tightly. For a few long moments, I kissed him, letting him deepen it and pull back only to feel him eager to deepen the kiss again. He explored my lips and my mouth enthusiastically and when I felt him relax into my touch even more, I began to let my hands roam his body. Sliding one hand up his shirt to feel his slender back, I let my thumb graze his tiny body and smiled into the kiss when he jumped. Breaking the kiss, he pulled back and glanced down at my hand.

"Just take me home already," Rocco turned his head shyly.

Guilt and shame wrapped themselves around me as the threads of depression began taking root once again as I took his hand. In this situation , I had no one to blame but myself. I had made all those choices that had brought on these feelings I was feeling now. I had to do everything in my power to make it right with Rocco as well as completely forget about Danny, which was already extremely hard for me to do. Because I couldn't contain myself and resist the temptation that was Danny but I had the same feeling for Rocco.

Royally, I had screwed up, and had messed with people without even realizing what I was doing.

It had all been so simple. Monkeys could have behaved better than I did. All I had to do was stay in that nice neat corner Ashton had made for me, keep myself occupied by other things and not talk to Danny. Simple, right?

Wrong.

I couldn't do it. One tiny little thing happens to me and I'm off to see him. The beast in me came to a head and I couldn't contain myself. Maybe I was never going to be tame enough to stay away. And if I was truly honest, I don't think I actually wanted to be very tame. Sure, the emotional climate that I had with the Rocco and his family was welcomed, but taming me? 

Did anyone think I could really change? I sure had no faith in myself that I could be different, after all, I kept trying and failing to do so.

But....i'll put my faith in Rocco and believe that maybe there is some hope left for me. He might be just who I needed in my life. Rocco reached out his hand towards me and i caught it in mine, pressing a kiss to his palm much to his surprise.

Together we walked for almost twenty minutes without a word, words were no longer necessary between us as the tension settled. In my mind, the truth that i knew that there was no other person in the entire town, except perhaps Martin, with whom i trusted more than Rocco. These thoughts, slowly made me begin to forget that we were on our way to my house and I just began to enjoy the walk hand in hand with him. 

"Ah-choo!"

"Are you feeling sick, Vinny?" he asked me, raising one of his brows with interest, continuing to stare at me.

I almost rolled my eyes at him as i sniffed, cursing at myself for letting my sneeze slip out. I was hoping to hold it in so he wouldn't notice anything strangely. I truly hated that I was starting to feel so mentally drained that I was making myself sick. That and the fact that I only have bed memories of being sick that truly disgusted me to my very core. "I did not sneeze." I responded in with a huff. "You're just hearing things, Rocco." 

I should have prepared better just in case I was stuck in situations like this, but I wasn't prepared at all when i had left in just my uniform and a sweater. I should've plan ahead just in case something was to go on while we walked.

"Fine, we have five minutes of walking left and my feet kind of hurt so let's just hurry," Rocco decided not to fight me on my stance.

In one swift motion, I hooked my arms behind his knees and hoisted Rocco up to carry him on my back, a sudden action that caused him to gasp sharply, but he quickly softened and eased into the position I put him in. I began walking down the sidewalk again, passing by the small vase of flowers for the ghost of the girl I pass by every morning on my way to school and back.

"Let's get you home," I insisted. I could tell that i was having an effect on Rocco already, and that was exactly the reaction that I had been hoping for. Had he been one of my exs, I would've just told them to walk faster....but I was determined to be different with Rocco. I had never met anyone like him that could move me, excluding Danny of course, and i was going to do my damnedest to talk him out of breaking up with me.

I had to remind him of the reason he liked me....whatever that reason actually was.

"We're closer to your house," Rocco whispered suggestively in my ear. "Let's try and makeup over there. It might be uncomfortable at my house."

"Ok, then let's go makeup!" I said excitedly. Hopefully the day could still end with both of us feeling better.

I broke into a sprint, my bag swaying on my shoulder and Rocco holding onto my back for dear life as I turned the corner and ran down the street to my house, the pull getting stronger with each stride. In front of my front door, I caught my breath, took a second to put Rocco down his feet before opening the door for him. It was only a few seconds before I heard shuffling and the door slam shut.

My heart beat halted when Rocco smiled devilishly at me.

Dressed in his school uniform and a white button down shirt with the top button undone, he looked sexy as fuck. His hair stood on up, twisting and twirling in every direction, his eyes were cloudy and full of lust. Without a word, he grabbed me by my sweater and pulled me to him, his lips already parted when mine touched them. No soft kiss, it was deep and hard, his tongue curling around mine. I let the bag slide off my shoulder onto the floor and weaved my fingers into his hair, messing it up even more, feeling very eager to feel those soft red locks again. Moaning, he clutched me to him, our bodies pressed tightly and I felt his chest inhale deeply.

Then he let me go.

Taking a step back, he eyed me warily with dark, suspicious eyes.

"You stink," he growled in disgust.

"Rocco, I," I began but then stopped and took a deep breath. "Can I shower first, please?" Nodding, he motioned that he would be waiting in my room. "Thanks," I mumbled embarrassed, picking up my back, I headed down the hall without looking back, constantly berating myself for not having taken the time to shower for the past three days because I felt depressed. It would have taken less than the ten minutes I had had left this morning, but I had been in such a fuck that I really had been neglecting my personal hygiene.

My pride was definitely hurt.

Pissed at myself for being this way, I undressed and stepped into the shower even before the water had warmed up. As the steam grew around me, I lathered up and washed my oily hair, the entire time wondering what the hell kind of conversation we were going to have when I got out. He had to realize that I had dropped the ball long ago when it came to my crippling depression. Just as he had a complex for everything being perfect, I had one about my depression.

It was simply how I was and it was the first time it really embarrassed me.

Repeatedly, as I rinsed my hair, I told myself that I had to fix this. The rejection wasn't because of my depression, but just a product of my inaction. As I turned the water off and felt my stomach churn, I got out and began to dry off.

It's depression and I can fix it. 

It was becoming a mantra.

Pulling on my jeans, I looked at myself in the mirror. I had begun to fill out a bit, having gained about ten pounds since I let myself go, I was less developed than before. My stomach lacked defined muscles now, almost hiding the scar that sat in the crevice of the fading 'v line' above my hip. Running the tip of my finger over the white jagged line, I shivered. It was one of many permanent scars my father left on my body, some had faded over time.

Although most of my scars were on the inside.

And those might never fade.

Sighing, I tugged my shirt on over my head and then ran my hands through my damp hair. He was waiting for me, and I had delayed it as long as possible.

I had a sick feeling in my stomach as I walked down the hall to the my room?

Taking a deep breath, I turned the corner and found him sitting on my bed, his fingers grazing a familiar looking book. His eyes were staring the words but they were not focused on them. His mind was not on the book at all. I then recognized it as the journal Dr. Mancini gave me.

I had a feeling his mind had been on me, in the shower, washing off what had repulsed him, and what he had just read.

"Hey," I said quietly as I walked over to the bed and sat next to him. I heard him sigh. Sitting there, next to Rocco, I wanted nothing more than to posses the power of mind reading, I could sense the mixture of emotions as they shifted around him, but his thoughts were unknown and guarded.Until he leaned to the side and laid his head on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "That was rude of me and I apologize."

"Rocco, it's okay," I comforted, putting a hand on his thigh. He lifted his head and turned to me, straddling the bench. "There are things I need to hear, it's been three days since I last showered, I did stink."

"No, it's not ok. It was awful of me and I could've said it better. It's just...I really....didnt think things were this bad for you," he paused, his brows furrowed and his lips pursed. "I'm sorry."

He was hurt.

Suddenly there was a tightening in my chest, a slight ache settled there the longer I watched him. I wanted to take the hurt I had caused him away. Before he could speak again, I cupped his cheek, leaned forward and even as I saw the confused look on his face, pressed my lips to his, brushing them back and forth before taking his bottom lip between my mine and running my tongue along it. Never deepening it, I kissed him for a few moments. Moving my hands to his shoulders, I felt his gripping my forearms tightly. When I pulled away, his brows were no longer furrowed, and his confused look at turned to one of gratification.

"I'm getting better, Rocco. You make me better," I told him. "This is all new to me, wanting to be with someone....and just try to be happy. I'm...I'm just not quite sure what it means yet, but I'll do my best for you."