Fuck Politics

Shoutout to Scarlet Mars, Lewd Hina, BurglarOfTurds, Freewat, and Water Daoist for patron support!

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Hentai Shinobi Rule 13: Don't bet your ass unless you like it in the ass.

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The one thing Hiruzen did best was learning. His epithet—The Professor—wasn't for show. He wasn't always good at politicking. However, he learned and grew knowledgeable to responsibly wield the power granted by the Second Hokage. The basics of politics were always to remember one's goal. Since Hiruzen's goal was Konoha's safety, it was upto him to maintain balance within the village and repel external threats.

So, it was annoying for the active Kage to see a few faces that placed their interests above the village's as if they didn't live within Konoha's borders and enjoyed its protection. Of these names, the most prominent was none other than Heibi Hyuga. However, Hiruzen wasn't brash. Not anymore. Lashing out at the Hyuga Head would do him no favors, especially when the Hyuga Clan had been one of the greatest assets to Tsunade's goals and recent success. Chakra control came instinctively to most of the Hyuga Clansmen, and they made efficient medical-nin.

"Ehm," Hiruzen cleared his throat. "It's nice to see so many familiar faces. The monthly meeting is usually too dismissive for such important faces and positions." His derision weighed on other Clan Heads. Some scowled, and a few shrugged.

There was truth in Hiruzen's words. Monthly meetings were useless for the likes of Yata or Enma, who were directly linked to the upper administration of the village in the forms of Police Chief and Anbu Leader.

Still, it wouldn't do well for other Clan Heads to get the last word over Hiruzen, not in the presence of such an unexpected 'visitor' at least.

So, the talks begin like usual—from clan finances, Konoha's upkeep, and movements of other Shinobi villages.

The usual—

<<<>>>

"—boring stuff?" Mikoto gaped at the boy. "Did you just call them boring?"

When a few Uchiha boys crowded around Kai, the Uchiha Princess expected many things—lazy reception wasn't it.

She loathed the boys who were harassing her friends. Especially Kai. It was her right to glomp his cheeks, pinch his nose, and ruffle his dark hair. However, Kai barely looked bothered by the genins who'd heard of her friendship with Kai. Well, it wasn't her friendship that bothered these 'gentlemen.'

It was Kai's 'audacity' to transform into her likeness and prank others. Honestly? It pissed Mikoto. However, she had ways of getting back at Kai, and it was always fun to tease the boy. Deep down, she barely cared about the pranks since it was all good fun. It's not like Kai ever transformed into a naked version of herself after the first time.

Kai ignored the bunch and idly accessed the Academy Skill Tree.

{Image Here.}

Of the eleven techniques, Kai had unlocked eight and mastered seven. Mastering the [Transformation Jutsu] was a tall order. So, aside from his wank sessions, Kai added the jutsu when he taught the orphans of this world. He further incorporated this jutsu to turn into several non-living things. You see, this technique constantly consumed chakra to maintain the cover. So, Kai adjusted the transformation without going 'poof' since each adjustment was counted as another transformation. This saved him a lot of chakra.

[Transformation Jutsu (E) (1→16/100): The ability to transform oneself or another into anything and everything. This information-granting skill informs the users about the physical descriptions of items, flora, and fauna at each level. Aside from weight, the transformation cannot transform the user's chakra network into that of the target. So, transformed individuals cannot copy the target's skills. Mastering this skill allows the user to maintain their transformation without conscious effort till they run out of chakra.

Next Level: 514/564 unique transformations {Title Active: Konoha Student} or 1 SP.]

But his hard work wasn't for nothing. Surprisingly, his 'training' with 'Onahole' Mito led to the most fruitful harvest.

[Name: Kai

Age: 8

Title: Konoha Student

Gamer Traits: Skill Tree; Sleepless Gamer

Skill Points: 193→221

Chakra: 40→47/1000 (1/hr)

Physique: 43→44/1000

Mental: 21→34/1000

Perception: 51→56/1000

Chakra Control: 10→10.4%

Skills:

Titles:]

His most significant growth was in the 'Mental Stat.' Who would have thought using a Jutsu while dealing with orgasmic highs served to bolster the mind's concentration? People should train like this more!

Even his chakra control grew.

"Back off!" Mikoto scowled at the group. Rikudo! They were a few steps from her favorite dango spot! Mikoto was looking forward to sharing the things she liked with her friends. Her pointed scowl seemed to deter the group of four boys with Konoha's forehead protector. They shot Kai a nasty glare before backing off and going their way.

"Well…" Mikoto looked at the group with an awkward smile.

The trio and one Ninken blinked as Kai spoke up.

"Well, what? Are you going to take us to eat something? And about your friends… well, don't feel bad. There's nothing your clan can do that would further lower my opinion of them after meeting you."

Kai's reassuring tone and warm smile just… ticked Mikoto off.

"I'm sure their assessment of you is the same," she bit back.

"Tell it to someone who cares," Kai shrugged as he repeated. "So? Food? Or do we snatch something from that kid?"

The girls looked at a Uchiha kid primed for picking. The boy walked out of the Dango Shop with a takeout.

"Sigh…" Mikoto's shoulders sagged. Kai was her mortal enemy. "Just… follow me."

She led them to the shop before finding seats near the entrance.

The staff swiftly served their orders as the group dug in, almost forgetting the previous incident—

"Are you Kai?"

Mikoto held back the urge to flip the table over. The somber, strict voice was annoyingly familiar as Mikoto and her friends looked at the individual entering the shop. The man looked bulkier and more tanned than most Uchiha. His most defining feature was his pronounced lower, squarish jaw, giving him a strict appearance. However, Kai was sure of one thing. This 'adult' man was one of those cases of teens appearing older than their age—accessing their physical prime earlier through the benefits of chakra.

Besides, Kai had seen this man a few times. He was a renowned Uchiha specimen.

Sighing explosively, Mikoto glared at the arrival. She looked distinctly displeased.

"What do you want, Fugaku?"

Fugaku gazed at the girl before looking at Kai.

"I was told someone named Kai was taking inappropriate actions against you." He directly broached the topic. "I'm only here to confirm if it was a thoughtless prank or if someone encouraged the boy to publicly insult you."

"Not everything is a scandal," Mikoto rolled her eyes. "Go away. You're bothering my friends."

"Am I?" Fugaku looked at the trio.

"Well, no?" Kushina blinked, more than pleased with her dangos.

"Don't care," Tsume shrugged.

"Yip!" Kuromaru replied the best way he knew.

"I'm Mikoto's guest. Whatever she says is fine with me," Kai smiled, surprising Mikoto. When did Kai become so… the asshole was acting! Mikoto could see the twinkle in Kai's eyes. Like always, he was upto no good.

"Also, sir," Kai cleared his throat. He didn't know how else to address a teen well into his prime. "It is Icha Kato you want to find. He was the one who asked me to transform into Mikoto."

His sunny smile, a stark contrast to his perpetual sneer, stunned the trio of girls as Fugaku noted the name. Predicting things may just escalate, Mikoto shot Kai a glare before interjecting.

"Icha-Sensei had nothing to do with it. Alright? It was a prank. And I wouldn't have used dull shurikens if it bothered me too much. Now? Can you leave me be?"

Fugaku focused on Kai before nodding.

"I see. I apologize for disturbing your visit to our Compound. I hope you have a pleasant experience."

"Woah," Kai snickered as the man left. "I thought we could have seen Icha-Sensei fight someone. He's usually bragging left and right about his Taijutsu."

"But why were you so angry?" Kushina looked at the peeved Mikoto.

"Nothing," Mikoto puffed.

"I thought it was because your father was pushing you to marry Fugaku," Tsume blinked.

Others froze as the sweetest beta shrugged.

"What? Mum talks about different things. I listen sometimes."

"So, he's your fiance?" Grins appeared on Kai and Kushina's faces.

"Oh, back off!" Mikoto rolled her eyes at the duo. "Get one thing straight. I'm not interested in Fugaku."

"Hey, there's nothing wrong about liking someone older. We all do that," Kai consoled as he recalled Tsunade… Mito… Biwako… oh, the list goes on and on.

"Nobody is as perverted as you," Mikoto mocked.

"Still," The Uchiha Princess swallowed. "Did you guys notice a few changes in the village? More and more shinobi look tense…"

"Really?" Kushina blinked. "I didn't notice that."

"Just like a beetle lost in your hair…" Kai recalled the 'big' surprise he uncovered while washing Kushina's hair yesterday.

"S-shut up, dattebane!" Kushina blushed beet red.

Mikoto flatly stared at the duo before digging into her food. It was hard for her friends to take anything seriously besides food and training… it was one of their best qualities in her books.

<<<>>>

Tensions grew palpable within the council room after the general discussions. There was a peculiar reason why every Clan Head agreed to join the meeting despite not knowing about Mito's attendance. Well, the reason was simple.

This meeting was long overdue.

Hiruzen and other Clan Heads eyed the Elder's stand. More precisely, they looked at Elder Danzo. Like Hiruzen, Danzo's chakra maintained the man's prime despite apparent signs of injuries. The stern man looked otherwise well if one ignored the bandage covering the right portion of his face. For all his faults, Elder Danzo was Konoha's eyes and ears. And the news Danzo indicated he had to share bade ill tidings for the village and the several Clans within.

The Elder with a cross-shaped scar on his chin—Danzo Shimura—barely opened his lone left eye and began after the implicit gesture from others' silence.

"Things are looking restless. My sources informed me that Iwagakure lowered its graduation conditions to inject as many genins into its Shinobi Corps as possible. We all are aware that Iwagakure's population has been on a constant rise. It is one of the several tricks Onoki used to control more shinobi as a distraction while nurturing several teams of elites ranging from the Explosion Corps, Sealing Corps, and special teams of Kekkei Genkai users and Hidens."

The man spoke patiently. However, his voice grated Tsunade. Elder Danzo was more than qualified for his current position, and Konoha's upper management welcomed his services. But the man loved his voice too much! He spoke slowly, carefully, and most of all—condescendingly!

Still, even now, Tsunade wondered how the village would have been without the organization under Danzo's employ—The Root. Anbu is undoubtedly crucial to every Shinobi Village. However, the Root was Anbu on steroids. Its reach spread across the continent, allowing Konoha's claw to sink within several targets over the years, delaying the inevitable.

The—

"Another War?" Okami Inuzuka sneered. Like Tsume, her mother boasted a headful of wild black hair, feral eyes, and sharp canines.

Danzo continued unbothered, much to Okami's chagrin. "Kumogakure also revealed unsettling movements." The man cautiously glanced at an aged Mito. "Kumo's conflict with Uzushiogakure isn't settling down."

And wasn't that something?

Everyone in the room repressed a sigh.

The Uzumaki Clansmen didn't seem to understand the word 'chill' since they continued completing missions that actively undermined other powers. The fuin-talented shinobi thrived in conflict. They enjoyed the thrill.

"Anything more concrete?" questioned Shikudo Nara, the Nara Clan Head.

"My men are working to collect more information," Danzo grunted. "I could only conclude disturbing, restless whispers from the present report. I advise the council to prepare for the worst. And for that, I have some ideas beginning from Konoha's foundation."

Tsunade's eyes widened.

"The Academy?" She snorted. "Focus on the graduates instead of diverting your attention to the kids who have nothing to do with the Shinobi profession for now." She did not like the thought of someone like Danzo tweaking the Academy's curriculum.

"Don't be so hasty, Senju-san," Yata interjected. He didn't oppose Tsunade on the principle that all Uchiha must shit on a Senju's ideals. However, his daughter attended the Academy. He wished to hear what Danzo had in his mind. For all they know, Danzo could be beneficial to children for once.

"What do you propose, Danzo?" Hiruzen inquired.

"I advise the academy's graduating year to include War Protocols," Danzo calmly answered.

"Are you out of your mind?" Tsunade smacked the table. "That's nothing but torture—"

"Let your elders complete their thoughts, Tsunade," Mito opened her eyes and pinned the blonde with a gaze. Others in the room grew silent as Mito glanced at Danzo. "Go on. Finish your suggestion in one sitting instead of separate phrases."

The corner of Danzo's lips twitched as he nodded.

"While things are unsettling, I predict relative peace in the coming year. It would be the best time to train the younger generation if something happened to our Chunins and Jonins. So, of course, it is advisable that every Jonin with hiden or special talents take on a team and try passing their advantages to the younger generation."

"Additionally, I suggest the inclusion of Victim Case Studies and Prisoner Execution Graduation Program for this and the coming years of the academy until the unrest settles down."

A few Clan Heads frowned at that. Danzo's former suggestion of Jonins and Chunins actively passing their skills was nothing new. It was a tradition in the Shinobi Villages to continue one's legacy through children or students. Even the Third Hokage took three genins under his wing and taught them most of his skills.

However, the latter suggestion was somewhat… complicated.

"So," Yata frowned and surmised. "You want the students to learn about all the horror of wars, from horrendous rapes to vile, inhumane tortures, and then you want them to execute prisoners to see who is a more worthy candidate to train quickly and send to the war?"

Surprisingly, Mito spoke for Danzo.

"Danzo isn't the one who created these War Protocols within the Academy Curriculum, Uchiha Boy. It was Tobirama. And his actions always held meaning. The victim case studies exist to prepare the students for what's to come and offer them the courage to end things should they get caught. It's not as basic as informing what's wrong and good because whether we like it or not, the younger generation is often smarter even if rebellious."

She tilted her head. "Also, the victim case study is an efficient tool to curb any wayward compassion the kids might harbor for other Shinobi Villages. It's unfair. However, that's life. Meanwhile, the Prisoner Execution Graduation was created with the mind to separate the more order-centric Shinobi from the emotional ones. Tobirama believed in his elder brother's dream. Students not killing someone fresh off the academy will merely imply they are individualistic."

"And what about the rest?" Tsunade frowned. "These protocols were only recently removed from the academy. Almost everyone in this room experienced it. I didn't execute a prisoner. But what does that mean for others who did?"

Mito smiled.

"Those are the ones you keep an eye on. They can be hollow, ambitious, or mentally unstable. But we must guide them. Look around, Tsunade. You asked what about the rest. Isn't the result available for your observation?"

Tsunade grew quiet as a few other Clan Heads scoffed.

Yata clenched his jaw. A substantial part of him did not wish Mikoto to study the victim files. However, he could do little to change the world where they never needed such protocols. Mikoto's knowledge of these things may end up saving her.

"I'm grateful for your trust, Mito-sama," Danzo nodded. His calm gaze did not betray how pleased he felt.

Mito did not reply and closed her eyes again.

"I will select appropriate teachers for the class," Hiruzen concluded as Tsunade grumbled under her breath.

"Relax," Okami grinned. "It's not like kids in the academy don't get their heads in naughty stuff. It might traumatize them enough to focus on their skills instead of dicks and chicks."

Tsunade eyed one of the only four women in the room besides Mito and Elder Koharu. "That's only an issue for your clan, Okami-san. It's almost another mating season for you guys."

The woman shrugged shamelessly.

"Better to have all the fun in these seasons than bitching about relationships, eh?"

Tsunade worked her jaw. She hadn't known the news of her and Dan breaking up would reach the bitch's ears. Of course, another person was also at fault. Tsunade glared at Hiruzen, who cleared his throat.

'She's kind of right,' Mito mused Okami's words.

"The question is," Shikudo began. "Would it affect the talents Konoha should nurture? Several cases of early trauma affecting a shinobi's mind have occurred. Of course, I'm not disputing the tremendous benefits of Lord Second's policies. But we can also make an exception for the few that will benefit more from avoiding it altogether."

The other Clan Heads looked at Hiruzen.

"No exceptions are required," Hiruzen calmly rejected the proposal. It wasn't like not executing a prisoner set the graduates back another year. It was only another test. And the heads offered for the graduation did not belong to the innocent sort.

"Ehm," Tsunade glanced at Mito before addressing the council. "I would like to propose something. It concerns the changes I want to bring to the three-men cell."

Hiruzen exhaled.

He didn't mind the changes Tsunade wished for. However, the cost of her wishes was too much. Politics wasn't just about proposing ideas and expecting others to only see the positive side.

"Tsunade, we discussed this before. The Hyuga Clan participated in the Medic-Nin training because of their expertise. But your demand to train one shinobi in every team and forcing the studies of more advanced first-aid lessons on other Genins and Chunins won't—"

"I'm sure you can reciprocate the same respect Tsunade showed by letting her elders finish, right, Saru?" Mito looked at the man. The room grew quiet again as Mito smiled at Tsunade, offering her support.

"Continue, Tsunade. And be concise about it. The leaders of Konoha are immune to pretty words and speeches."

Tsunade nodded before unsealing a scroll on the table, releasing several documents.

"Share it with the rest," Tsunade ordered the nearby Anbu. She waited for everyone to receive the documents… except for the four Advisors. This bold statement revealed that her proposition was only for the Clans in the room.

"My offer is simple," Tsunade began. "I realize that making one teammate go through the iryo-ninjutsu training is impractical when Genins are further expected to learn things like surface walking, body replacement, and other jutsus they desire. It would be too late to change their habits by the time they are promoted to Chunin. Lady Mito opened my eyes to the matter, and I now realize that I only wish to advance and secure the village by treating injuries that would ordinarily be fatal. So, I'm offering everyone at this table a watered-down version of the practice of Mystic Palm Jutsu."

She extended her finger.

"First, it will allow you to quickly separate those with a talent of chakra control from the rest. You can start teaching these talents biology and other relevant studies before sending them to the Hospital for further training. It saves time and promotes specialization. Second, it gives everyone at this table an opportunity."

"An opportunity?" Enma Sarutobi questioned while reading the scroll.

"Yep. As I said, I don't really give a fuck how or why others learn iryo-ninjutsu. Life's too short for me to sit on my ass and whine about how Konoha's being too slow for my taste. So, this watered-down training method is only for the clans in this room. And if it gets leaked, we'll know the clans Sensei needs to look into." Tsunade crookedly grinned. "And third. It saves any stupid fucker a beatdown of their life if they continue being an asshole for the sake of it. Of course, with such benefits, I will only assume that you don't want Konoha to progress. So, breaking said stupid fucker's body would be entirely justified."

Others owlishly blinked as Tsunade sat in her seat with a smug smirk. She recalled how Orochi's speech tried tugging at others using her predecessors. However, the path Mito offered was more to Tsunade's liking. Mito only said one thing to Tsunade—

"You don't have a clan. Why would you care about politics? Just do what you usually do and be done with it."

And wasn't that the truth.

Tsunade got into this room based on her name and merit. She didn't have a clan to take care of.

She had fewer limitations than others.

"That's one way to put things," Yata scoffed. "No wonder my daughter looks up to you."

Tsunade merely smiled while glancing at Hiruzen.

'It's also payback for the stunt with Dan.' She spoke with her gaze. However, the slightly amusing look in Hiruzen bode ill will to Tsunade's well-being as she suddenly felt ominous.

Her Sensei, like her Grand-Uncle, could be petty.

And Tsunade's spine tingled at Hiruzen's smile. He was going to do something Tsunade would not like.

<<<>>>

"Where are you going?" Mikoto grew alarmed when Kai got up from his seat.

Confused, Kai pointed at the store's counter. "I wanted to buy something for Mito-sama. It's not like she can enter your Clan's compound and taste things."

"O-oh… sorry. Yeah, sure." Mikoto replied sheepishly. She was overthinking. It wasn't like Kai could openly bully other children in their parent's presence.

Kai rolled his eyes and began browsing the various sweets.

'Hmm, Mito-sama usually enjoys creamy things that are easy to swallow.' He observed the offers. The variety almost confused Kai until a mother and her son stood behind Kai, waiting for the boy in the front to select his favored sweets.

"Look, mom! There's still seven dorayaki's left!" The boy vibrated and gushed as his mother snorted a chuckle and ruffled his hair.

"I'll take all the dorayaki," Kai smiled pleasantly. He didn't even need to turn to see the look on the boy's place as the shop owner fulfilled the request.

*Incoming Alarm Alert*

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Alternate Title: The Professor; You Always Learn Something New; The Fan Boys; Mikoto Alert; Fruitful Grind; Ero is the Way; Wank And Chill; The Transformation Dilemma; Even Orgasms Don't Stop The Grind; The Dango Confrontation; Fugaku Uchiha; Man-Teen; Chakra Do Be Twerking; Kai Only Got Chakra Boost In One Department; Danzo Shimura; The War Protocols; The Complicated Policies; Mito's Just Here To Instigate; Tsunade Gets Payback; Ends Justify The Means In The Shinobi World; Unsettling Whispers; The Council Assembles; Kai Wanted a Clash Between Icha-Sensei And Fugaku; Nobody's Safe From The Menace; Mikoto Should Never Leave Her Kai Off The Leash; Kai Is Suspected To Emotionally Scar Every Lifeform Under 7; The Wild Mom; Kai Has No Chill; Kai Is Actively Creating Villain Origin Stories; Mito Does Like To Swallow Cream; The Fiance?; Chill Fugaku

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A/N: You may have noticed I did not write Danzo with a bandaged arm. Only his right eye is bandaged. It's an AU world, and Danzo never got Hashirama Cells. It will be explored as we get further into the story. Also, Danzo or other countries aren't actively attacking Uzu until they fucked up. I read Minato Oneshot and noticed several things. First, Uzu was lost before Mito transferred Kyubi to Kushina. She also spoke about how the clan was scattered in a spiral of violence or something. In this AU fic, the Uzumaki wanted all the smoke. Also, Tsunade never formed her mark until Minato entered the war. So, that also changes things in what I previously wrote about Sannin vs Hanzo. Of course, Mc's addition itself is a massive butterfly effect.

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Young Mikoto

Teen Fugaku

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