Taking me to the past.

When that talk between Lev and I ended, I have gone to my room just to cry buckets. I can't actually understand what I want. The remembrance of every second that I've spent with Deik is forcing me to run into his arms. But at the same time when I saw him, it is as if my feet are bricked down on the ground. It's as if my body has gone limp, I can't even move. And I don't want me to.

Even though we had an early dinner yesterday, it was late at night when they finally said farewell to me. They both are working people. Making them stay at mine was pointless. They need their well-deserved sleep and I don't want them to do extra by going to their home in the very morning when the sun has not even come out.

I apologized to Sia for snapping at her in a way I shouldn't have. but she just played it off by patting my shoulder, the smile on her lips was genuine, though. So I didn't dwell on it so much. Having them over always felt right. It always filled my senses with some kind of relief, the same sort of relief I feel whenever my uncle was over, that I still have someone to rely on. That I'm not all alone by myself.

My thoughts wander around the day my parents found out about me and Deik. I wonder why it flashed through the vision of my mind now. taking me with it to the past with the mere silhouettes of the moment, where I saw an eighteen-year-old self of mine, standing in the hallway of my parents' home, full-on crying in front of them, begging them to not do this to me.

But all my screams and pleads were fall into duff ears.

My father slapped me hard on the face, leaving his handprint on my left cheek. That was the first time in my memory that he had ever slapped me. He never laid a hand on me until then. Always been the patient one, it scared me to stay in his presence when I saw him like that, an unfamiliar, cruel, selfish face of his that he succeeded to hide from me for years.

They told me not to destroy their pride and that they still need to go out and face people. They called me sick. They called me a disgrace of a child.

They told me to forget Deik and do whatever the shit I want with a girl, said they don't mind me doing that. That was the last straw for me, that was when I stopped crying, when I started to snap at them. Spitting every insult I could come up with at that moment, on their face.

I ran upstairs to call Deik. When I heard his voice on the other side of the line, I started crying all over again. Then I heard his distressed voice calling out for me, asking me if I'm okay, why am I crying. I tried to open my mouth to reply to him, only for my undying sobs to surface again. "Please, come here." that was all I could make out as words. I heard him asking "can you tell me where you are?" "Home," I said. Those four single words were all taken for Deik to reach my place in ten minutes.

I was not quite sure how my parents will react to us— two men, to be in love, but still, was awfully anxious whenever the thought of telling my parents about me and Deik passes through my mind, I was scared, scared of what comes next. So when it came I always made sure to make it leave just the way it invaded my mind.

I never had ever thought they could wholly eliminate me from their lives—their only son. I never thought my parents can be this cruel to their own son. The one they say, they made out of love. Thinking about them still makes my stomach churn, dreadfully.

I traveled down the stairs, a hand clinging loosely to the railing following my motion. I'm going to the garden to meet Philip. I texted him to come to get me there, I don't wanna go to his class.

I bend my legs, to take a seat on the lonely bench where we usually sit together, tossing my head back, I closed my eyes, taking slow breaths. This place, it weirdly feels like home. I bathed in the afternoon sun, Summer has always had my heart in its hands. The season in which I wrote millions of words.

"Don't say that you're sleep deprived again!" I felt my lips tugging into a smile when I heard his voice.

I opened my eyes to face Philip standing over the tree. I raise to my feet quickly already walking toward him.

"No babe, I'm not!" I said. Stifling a laugh, I pucker my lips, a hand snaking over his waist as I tried to kiss his neck. just to annoy him.

But I didn't hear the 'Ewww!' that always came out of his mouth whenever I do this to him, instead I felt his hand on the small of my back. It is suspicious. I lift my head from his neck to meet his eyes. however, he was not looking at me, his gaze was fixated on something behind me. Face neutral.

When I turned to see what was making him stand like that, I saw him. Shit! At the far end of the garden, sitting on the wooden bench was him— Deik. He retraced the cigarette from hovering over his lips. Holding it with his thumb and forefinger, resting it on his knee. When I met his eyes he gave me a weak smile.

I felt guilty. What did he think about me? but then again, why am I guilty? Doesn't he the one who suppose to feel guilt?

I untangled my hands from his body. All my appetite from earlier, when I sat here waiting for Philip to come is long gone almost as if I swallowed a rock or something. rather I felt like throwing up.

This sickening feeling crawled over my skin like some creepy insects.

I see Deik lift to his feet, His golden-brown hair— the same golden-brown hair he had almost three years ago, falling backward, accomplishing to show his forehead more, when a breeze brushed past through it. He took one last puff from his half-done cigarette before dropping it on the ground and stepping on it. I watched him rushing out of the garden.

"Inn?" I heard Philip's voice. But all is dull as background noises.

"Come on, let's go grab something to eat," he said. I can't say anything. I heard him tsking-

"Ziaaaan!"

"yea, let's go." I said.