Chapter 60: Seon-Ho

Hours turned into torturous days and once again I was drinking and getting high all the time, wondering where my woman was before I even had the chance to finally confess to her properly...I really wanted to tell her that I wanted her to mine officially. Or did she...was she really heartbroken by her misunderstanding of my stupid crush? Was she really trying to stay away from me for my own benefit? And who the hell were these people that she had made enemies with? I looked over her letters over and over again but she left no clues...but I could only guess...

I finally had enough as I made my way back to my father's mansion as the king also entitled me with all of my father's wealth and assets. I wanted nothing to do with the place but it was all I had until my new quarters in my new government official home was being created.

As I made my way closely back to the mansion I couldn't help but to go to the places my mother used to take me when she raised me; the riverside where we would both bathe and play with each other. I then followed the path to the market stall where my mother would buy different desserts for me when she could afford it; when my father felt generous with her allowance for me. Of course the stall hd been taken over by something else. I felt tears running down my face as I remember Yeon in the kitchen making all these different foods and desserts my father banned me from having not long after he snatched me from her. It was like she knew my childhood before we met. I then walked along the path back to the mansion...where she hung herself. My tears were uncontrollable when reacher her quarters that Yeon had lived in. I hadn't set foot here since she died. I walked in with a heavy heart before I broke down.

I had achieved everything I wanted but I wasn't happy; all of it meant nothing without a life with Yeon. And I knew after this revelation about me being set up in a marriage I couldn't refuse, Yeonie would do everything to distance herself from me so I could enjoy my new privileged life. But now even more so I was determined not to let it happen, even if I had to surround her from all corners so she couldn't escape. Even if it means sending her secret letters about what she had been up to her brother that I know she didn't tell him, as well as writing for her hand in marriage, my plan of how it would work with the third party involved and my promise to keep her safe and happy...as well as exposing our relationship and my very real threat that I would kill anyone else he presented to her as a suitor. Even if we still hadn't repaired our friendship and was still angry at me, I knew he still knew that he wouldn't trust her with anyone else but me.

I knew Yeonie was going to be angry at me, and she couldn't resent me all she wanted. But I couldn't live this life without her. She promised that she would never abandon me and I was going to make her keep her promises. All I had to do was wait for Hwi's reply and for her to confront me. I had to admit, I didn't deserve her. But the fact she stuck by me all this time knowing everything...it made me crave her even more; she consumed me entirely and I couldn't back off her now or ever.

I began to smash the room apart with one of the weapons my so-called father mercilessly made me train with until all hours of the morning no matter the weather. I then began to tear the house down and I dismissed all of my fathers servants who began to flee the house due to my anger. I tore apart what I could until I I used up all of my energy. I then headed out to Ihwaru again to drink as much as I could before I was to start my new job which was weeks away...and wait for Yeon to return.

But I was also ashamed of myself...how on earth was I supposed to face her after everything she had hidden from me? I felt suffocated to death the minute I had to send Hwi away but...but after this...the kinseng's began to flood the room with their mindless chatter while I closed my eyes, and started having suicidal thoughts, knowing that the only people who cared about me had left one by one because of me; one that I still hadn't taken the time out to make amends even though I know how was waiting for me but his sister...left out of fear. Nobody noticed at all that I was crying, shaking, heartbroken and alone for the first time. I made a decision before going to the opium room to numb my mind before I committed the act. I was so sick of the world I didn't want to see it anymore. I closed my eyes and my mind filled of all the good times I had with Hwi; when we first began to train together as kids, having out first drink when we were barely 10 years old, thinking it was a good idea to kick each other in the balls to see what all the fuss was about, getting excited about our new muscles and comparing them each time...to Yeon. I remember her; cherished as her fathers daughter, to then being raised by Hwi and I...and how she changed the minute she stepped foot in my father's estate. She still cared for me only after she had lost her memory and I swear I was beginning to regret taking advantage of it. I reached out to feel her embroidery in my hands; unaware that this is what I was watching her make with such determination and happiness. My mind then wondered to all the other times she cared for me; serving me tea and extra food waiting for me when I came back home; even the times I was completely unaware of, like someone had mysteriously covered me in blankets when I studied long hours into the night, lighting up my fires. She always made sure I was warm and fed no matter what and she always looked out for me, even when I got into trouble with my father...

I opened my eyes in realisation that as miserable as I was, I wasn't ready to let to of the one person who sacrificed and did so much for me...even if she thought I liked Hui-Jee she still chose to stay with me..she didn't leave my side back then...she did everything because she loved me much more than I had realised...she even stayed away from me because she loved me. I then also realised that she was just as afraid of me as I was of Hwi...if I wanted her back I couldn't do it without making amends with him first. Even though she had changed, she hadn't changed that much. She did everything to protect myself and her brother and she would continue to do so until her last breathe; I knew she was going to put up a fight with me for a while to make sure I used all the new options I had in life that she worked so hard for. But everything she did also proved how much she loved me. And as long as she did...I wasn't going to let her go.

I was in such a confused state of both anger and passion that I stormed out of the opium room and began coming up with a plan; not only to make amends with the Seo's, but to also move on with the new life Yeon had granted me, so she should take responsibility for it. I also immediately send word that I wanted to take a look at the properties I was left with so I could chose where to settle in first...something I know she'd like...somewhere where I could finally...or at least hope...to have a family of my own one day.