Chapter 49

"Talk to me, Cam," I whispered.

Another breath then Cam stated, "Okay, Delgado is known to claim women. He does this and slots them into a schedule. They come and go but while they're there, they're claimed. He investigates them and it's made clear no one goes near them. When he's done with them, he's done, one moves out, he moves another one in."

"This can't be," I told her. "I don't have a day."

Cam swallowed. Not a good sign.

"What?" I asked.

"Girl -" she started.

I leaned forward and repeated. "What?"

"You're known as Filler."

Oh my God.

"I'm known as Filler?" I whispered.

She nodded. "He's feeling like a switch up, or one of his women is out of town or he's got a slot open he hasn't filled yet, he comes to you."

"I'm known as Filler," I repeated.

"Honey -" Tracy whispered.

"Who knows me as Filler?" I asked Cam "Um..." she hesitated then said, "everyone now."

"Everyone now," I repeated.

She nodded.

"Lawson?"

She bit her lip and nodded again.

Oh my God!

"Tack?" I asked.

"Probably," Cam answered.

I looked to the floor. Then it hit me and I looked back at Cam.

"She knew," I stated.

"What, babe?" Cam asked.

"Thursday, she knew. She knew what she was, who she was, her day. She knew his name she knew his number."

"Well, um -" Cam started.

I cut her off. "I guess if you get a guaranteed slot you get his contact details. But Filler, now Filler is just filler."

"Sammie, sweetie," Tracy whispered.

I shot out of my chair and shouted, "I don't believe this!"

Camille and Tracy shot up too.

"San, babe, listen to me. The talk now is he's off routine. This shit with His Days, it is for them what it was for you, night visits, stringent boundaries. He doesn't date them, he just sleeps with them."

"So?" I yelled, crashing my mug to my desk, coffee sloshing over.

"So, this is good, you've broken through," Tracy put in quickly and, as ever with my dear, sweet Trace, hopefully.

"No, Trace, this isn't good," I returned. "This is humiliating."

And it was. It was humiliating. Deep down to the core humiliating. And the worst part of that feeling was that I did it to my damned self.

Again!

I lifted my hands, slid my fingers in my hair and held on. "I can't believe this. I don't know what to do with this," I told the floor.

"Maybe you should talk to him about it," Cam, of all people, advised and my head lifted so my eyes could narrow on her.

"Are you high?" I yelled and her face flinched. "I'm filler, everyone on the grid knows it. God!" I pulled my hands through my hair and threw them out to my sides repeating, "God!"

"Babe," Cam said softly, "calm down."

I lifted my hands again to press my palms to my forehead and through my arms I looked at her. "I want him," I whispered my secret.

"Then talk to him," Cam whispered back.

"I wanted him to be special," I kept whispering.

"Girl," she kept whispering too and got closer, wrapping her fingers around my arm, "talk to him."

"For him to be special, he has to make me feel special. Not like Scott made me feel." I heard Tracy make a soft whimper, she knew how Scott made me feel, they both did. "And definitely not worse than Scott made me feel."

Cam's other hand came up and wrapped around my arm, pulling them down, she stepped in close, her hands sliding up to grip mine as Tracy moved into our little huddle.

"I did this to myself," I whispered.

"Baby," Cam whispered back as Tracy slid her arm around my waist and she whispered, "Honey."

"I wanted to believe I could break through," I went on.

"Maybe you have," Cam replied.

"I think you have," Tracy put in.

"I held on, hoping to break through," I kept talking like they didn't speak.

"Sam, take a breath and clear your head," Camille advised.

I dropped my head and looked at my toes. Dark berry polish, a winter color. I needed summer. I needed sun. It was time to take a vacation.

"I'll always be filler," I told my toes.

"Oh honey," Tracy whispered.

Suddenly, I pulled away, lifted my head and announced, "I need to finish on my deadline." I looked at Cam. "Can I stay with you and Leo tonight?"

"I don't think that's a good idea," Tracy stated.

"Yeah, babe, you can," Cam replied.

"Cam!" Tracy snapped and Cam looked at her.

"She needs space," Cam returned.

Tracy looked at me. "He's coming to you tonight, isn't he?"

"No," I told her. "He wants me to go to him."

Her eyes lit and she moved in close. "Then go."

"No," I replied.

She put her hands on my shoulders. "Sammie, this is shit, I get it, this sucks but I can't help but think that -" I stepped back and her hands dropped. "I can. I can think it.

And I'm not even mad at him, Trace. I'm not. This is me. I did this to me. I allowed this to happen. And if I'm ever going to have any self-respect after this fucking, fucking mess, I'm the one who has to stop it."

"That's a bad decision," Tracy said firmly.

"Maybe so but it's the one I've made," I replied and straightened my shoulders. "Scott fucked me over and I loved him.

That killed me. I even knew it was happening and I allowed it until I couldn't put up with allowing it anymore. With Scott, I waited too long to look after myself, hoping he'd sort his shit out, and I waited too long with Hawk. Even if things have changed for him, I'll always know what I allowed myself to be, what other people think of me.

No wonder both Lawson and Tack thought they could make a play. They want to get in there and who can blame them? A sure thing who opens her bed and her legs, no questions asked, no expectations, just an opportunity to get off and go your own way until you're done. Shit!"

"That isn't who you are," Cam declared.

"No? Seems like it to me," I shot back.

"Then, girl, you're wrong," Cam retorted.

I shook my head. "I can't think about this now. I have to work.

I'll come over as soon as I send my files," I told Cam.

She studied me then she said quietly, "All right, girl. I'm off today. I'll get ice cream."

"Cookie dough," I corrected.

"Cookie dough," she whispered.

"Sammie -" Trace started and my eyes moved to her.

"I love you, babe, you know I do but not now. I can't take your hope now. Please."

"Okay," she whispered.

"I need to work," I repeated.

"Right," Cam replied.

I nodded my head once and twisted to turn on my computer. I snatched a Kleenex out of the box on my desk to mop up the coffee spill as I heard them move out of the room.

"Sam?" Cam called and I turned back, coffee-wet Kleenex in my hand, she was in my door. "Scott was an ass and Delgado controls his life to within an inch of it. He got one dose of you in the light of day and he's shifted his entire way of doing things. You are not who you think you are," she told me.

No, she was wrong. I was exactly who I thought I was and the worst of it was, Cabe "Hawk" Delgado knew it.

"I have to work," I told her.

"You're not who you think you are," she repeated.

I stared at her.

"Cookie dough," she whispered then disappeared from my door.