Impart

The children were gone. I needed that time to gather my thoughts and revisit the recent series of events that had occurred, something told me Jachin had left the journal laying there on purpose, it was too dear to him, no way he didn't know it was missing from the sofa in his den. He was a bit too bold for me and I had entertained him a bit too much. It seemed no matter how hard I tried I couldn't shake his existence in total if he was around or not, meaning I couldn't just disregard him. My own fantasies were becoming unbridled especially after the shower incident but this shit seemed personal now. My fear wouldn't allow me to fully comprehend all he'd said but he comprehended my fear and somewhat seemed to celebrate triumph by further reeling me in with his hand between my thighs and the sensation just wouldn't go away I was almost creaming while getting the kids ready to go. I sat on the foot of the bed with my legs over the foot board waiting for Rod to appear while reading the journal, my legs lacked blood circulation and my feet were numb because I had sat there so long. It was past eleven my time but something told me Rod would check on home. Destiny had mentioned Mr. and Mrs. West so much it was beginning to become more than a coincidence especially when she mentioned a surgery that sounded much like the one Carlette had had. I would read and unlike the email messages I had heard Jachin reading, the journal was of a more personal caliber, no one would lie to themselves, *on paper. *I had run to the store and bought the large pack of batteries and sat in the lace teddy, I wanted to see his reaction to know if hed recognized the book. I tried to figure out the time frame, she didn't document the year and there had to be more journals somewhere because she had jotted down the first entry in the one I held on New Years day, and that year she became *troubled.* *I just wanted my husband.* My thoughts shifted periodically back to Jachin and each time when I realized I was thinking about him again I would try hard to focus on something but the next thought in line was his sister and my husband, has to be a coincidence I kept saying to myself, *not Rod because he had only heard about what happened to her , *however it sounded as if she was speaking about a man I knew. I needed to get back in church, plain and simple because the devil had used that man to find me. I tried to side with my husband in my mind and presumed his innocence, maybe he was lonely if it did take place and she killed herself, he didn't do it and it was proof our alliance was solid because she was just a fling, *sorry..*. Why did she do it though, kill herself? Because he neglected her for me? At the same time, how unfortunate, but *I was a mother too. *I suffered from the Post Partum Depression and it was possible that she had also, I thought I knew why she had done it and perhaps it had nothing to do with him. I wanted to end too, once. Though when probability surfaced I refused to conclude he was likely the cause and wasn't she pregnant again, in October? Rod loved his children, no way he would neglect one of his. Side swiped by logic I put the hypothetical bullshit aside; I continued to watch the screen and read the journal, the sex details were so close to home. Thinking I heard something on the gazebo in the back yard I stopped breathing to listen and knew after the fact it was just the wind, it was freezing cold, not even a moron would be back there. *Surely his door is locked, it's 11:44.* I prayed my husband appeared before 12, if he didn't he wasn't going to. The wind was blowing and the string of tangled Christmas lights were halfway out of the storage bin I had dragged into the bedroom from the storage closet; I had sat on the floor a couple hours earlier trying to find something to do to occupy myself to keep the walls from closing in on me, I wanted television or to listen to Rod's playlist on the living room desktop but needed it to be quiet so I could listen to my surroundings, I didn't know why. There was a strong feeling that Rod would just walk in and even though I fathomed it being highly unlikely and improbable, there seemed to be a sense of guilt on his behalf that could cause him to just show up and snatch the notebook he would recognize; but *to protect me from grief because I was becoming obsessed. *She was deployed almost a year and a half after Rod and had spoke about having an abortion beforehand. They weren't even from Missourri and Jachin had moved here after his mother had. See, no connection; besides SkyKing said *5th child...* I closed the notebook at 11:54, and got up numb from the knee down but was disappointed, it was much more exciting when Rod watched. After kicking the Christmas bin to the side I walked out of the bedroom and toward the kitchen for the shortbread Christmas cookies, I made it down the hall and turned to go in the kitchen when the doorbell rang, then came the rapid knock against the storm door glass. I stiffened and tried to tip toe to the kitchen drawer but I knew who it was, so I still tiptoed to the kitchen drawer because this shit was getting ridiculous, he didn't seem to even want the sex, this was a game to him; I would blow his brains out if he didn't LEAVE ME ALONE before I BLEW MY OWN OUT! *"JAPONICA, OPEN THE DOOR! ITS COLD!"* I watched his silhouette through the blinds while he tried to look inside and couldn't stomach his audacity at the moment because he thought I was supposed to just let him in but he altered my chemistry with his temerity and made me want to intimately connect, and somehow I *did *trust him because he was too brazen to be deceitful, if he wanted to kill me he would say so and I would willingly allowed him to because he had become a stronghold, just like that. I leaned back against the cabinet with my feet crossed holding the gun prepared to shoot if and when the locked door opened. *Either way, either one.* *"ITS TOO COLD JAPONICA, SEE U TOMORROW! DON'T HURT ANYONE INCLUDING YOURSELF."* *WHAT THE FUCK DID THAT MEAN!? COULD HE SEE ME?* *See, naw...* I heard the a car door close and watched for his headlights to shine inside when he backed out but I didn't see them, I stood still and quiet for a minute watching the window ready to shoot, that's when I heard the garage door ascending. I looked through the laundry room at the door that led to the garage and saw it was unlocked! I had expressed to Serenity how important it was to lock the door when she came from the garage! I laid the gun down beside the sink, tried to beat Jachin to the door and lock it but before I made it he had already opened it and was coming inside. *"Lock your door. Where is your gun, u should have had your protection. Did u miss me? I need body heat."* He looked at the lace gown I had on and then at me, I sensed disappointment from him when he passed me by and walked through kitchen to the living room to the blinds beside the front door to adjust them. *"GET OUT!"* I was ready to fight! Grandma had called, *"NIKKI! I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS U ARE DOIN BUT U ARE A MARRIED WOMAN! ADULTERY IS A SIN! U GONE TURN OUT TO BE LIKE YA MAMA? NORMAN COME CALLIN ME, TRUDY DONE TOLD HIM BOUT U GOT HOW U GOT A MAN ROUND THEM CHILDREN, THEY THINK ITS JASON! HOW COULD YA BE SO LOW DOWN! ROD GONE AND U DO SOME MESS LIKE THAT! LEAVE THAT JOB, TAKE CARE OF YOUR FAMILY! I DIDN'T RAISE NO FLOOZIE!"* *I had hung up without saying any thing except "Lord Forgive Me" and finished checking the AA batteries that were in Broderick's remote control cars.* *"U really want me to leave? I don't think u do. U could have at least came back to return the journal."* *"U can't be here, u are causing confusion!"* *"How do u know what confusion is Japonica, the confused can't recognize confusion. U look like u want to get something off your chest, u have the floor."* He walked toward my bedroom, I grabbed the leather coat he wore, he snatched loose and walked inside, unbuttoned the coat and sat on my bed. *"U can't be in here!"* *"U want me in here, he's not goin to video call u tonight, wrong day of the week."* *"Jachin, what do u want? U wanna fuck me?"* *"I don't fuck and I could have already if I wanted to, I could have fucked u good. U know u want whatever chemistry it is that exist between us, it's not in my control its natural. No one ever taught u about chemistry because u don't even know what it is. Then again a chemistry can either be good or bad and I would like to consider ours a good one, the best I ever had."* And there went those words through my ears to fuck with my chemistry...his persistency sparked something making his purpose relevant. *"How long was I supposed to leave my door unlocked? Kiss me."* *"I can't."* *"Why not u can't take that from me!"* *"I'M MARRIED, LEEAVE!"* *"Not buying it, u kissed me already because u are married. What's one more, adultery isn't judged by number so kiss me. I am trying to make u happy again."* *"I'M HAPPY!"* He smirked. *"Come on, maybe I can sleep tonight since we are together and I need body heat. I'll hang up my coat. Take off the gown, put on something else, that wasn't for me."* *"GET OUT! I will call the police!"* *"Why? U have a gun. Which side do u sleep on, when he's home?"* *"GET OUT JACHIN! U can't sleep in my bed!"* *"Ok, well I guess I won't sleep tonight I'll just lay there and watch u and don't say my name. I know u sleep on this side when he isn't here, but this is his side. Why would he put u closest to the door with a handgun in the nightstand drawer."* *"CLOSE MY DRAWER! GET OUT! I Can't take this. I'm sorry---I know what she was going through, it was depression and I hate that u can't get past it but I can't even read anymore of it. I just want--"* *"TROUBLE?"* *"WHA-WHAT?"* *"It will trouble u now, trust me I know, U CAN'T JUST STOP READING IT."* *"DESTROY IT THEN!"* He didn't respond but I had braced myself for his lashing remark ready to let him have it; instead he remained calm. *"I'm going to ask u once, do u want me to walk away? I can't change anything if I do but I don't want to harm u emotionally, u aren't any real trouble, yet."* *"Change anything like what?"* *"My sister's death affected my family tremendously."* That wasn't telling me anything! What was I missing? *"I'm not trying to inflict anymore trauma on u but I can't protect u and your children if u push me away, u don't deserve to suffer. I'm not the type to expose anyone but we were raised to strike and kill and I don't know why my sister spared him and killed herself, how had he stripped her of her dignity? Can't figure it out but my father will, she was of a different breed and he's garbage and come from garbage. My father is prowling, and I only tried to intervene. I can't make u like me but I know u do, u are very secluded and u let me in. I didn't come when I was sent because seeing u in person delivers a different impact, I can't feel a chemistry from a picture."* Did I want him to walk away? He knew damn well I didn't now but I couldn't keep dancing to his music. He sparked a curiosity that existed before I knew anything about his sister but I was a married woman, regardless. That was like Satan letting me die for not turning my back to God. I couldn't respond. After a brief stare he stood up, took off the coat and hung it the closet between Rod's coats. He took off his shoes and got on Rod's side of the bed. *"Put on something else or get in bed without it."* He laid on with his arms folded behind his head definitively, I untied the lace and slid the gown straps from my shoulder, walked to the drawer to find something else feeling like a small child inside. Before I could find anything else he got up and slid the gown to the floor and pulled me to the bed. Why did he humble me the way he did? Rod didn't have that effect, I was tough! But Jachin could and I knew nothing about *him * at all. What was his girlfriend like, what was her name, did she have a Facebook profile? What did she look like, did he love her? How could she lose him?" I got in bed under the cover, while he turned on his side on top of it and faced me propping his head in his hand. *"Why did u marry so young, oh and I removed the limbs from the gazebo, one was hanging on the power lines. Your limbs need cutting."* *No, his limbs needed cutting!* *"I um, well because I had a daughter."* *"That's why?"* *"I loved him, does there have to be a specific reason?"* *"No, u didn't love him back then, why did u marry him ---back then, Nikki?"* *"U are going too far and don't know me personally, u can't call me that!"* *"Yes, I can, but I won't if u don't want me to, I like Japonica better; and I know u enough. So why did u marry him?"* Intrepid comments like those made me uneasy because they would be even toned and would come out boldly. He would wait for a response and study my reaction to what he said. He didn't know me! I grabbed the back of my neck, broke my gaze and said,*"Because it was flattering to be noticed by someone who didn't care about my situation and he was going to the Army, he could provide, why does it matter?"'* *"Leave him. U need protection, he won't protect u and he's not going to get discharged, he don't want to come home to his family if he did he would be here. He feels safer where he is."* *"I'M NOT LEAVING MY HUSBAND! WHY DO U KNOW SO MUCH?"* *"Because I have to. Did u miss me? Truthfully?"* *"Yes, I mean--no, I don't have friends so company is always pleasant, I just don't know if we can be friends so NO."* *"No? Am I pleasant? What makes a person pleasant nobody is always pleasant, because right now I could have u at my mercy."* *"Is that a threat?"* *"Not the kind u think. I just want to take a nap, don't let me oversleep."* I heard his shoes when they hit the floor, then he kicked the toy box on the floor. *"U don't need those."* Then he sat up, picked up the shot glass he left on the nightstand and walked to the bar with it, by the time he came back I had grabbed his coat and shoes and was standing at the door. I refused to let him back in, it was almost 1 in the morning and his car was in my driveway. He stopped in front of me and looked in my eyes while he held the shot glass, threw his head back and poured the Brandy in his mouth. *"I'm married Jachin."* I stood there naked, holding his shit and he wouldn't take it from my hands but I couldn't let him back in. *"I know u don't want me to leave, u shouldn't. If I leave I'm not coming back because I'm not a homewrecker and neither was Destiny, but my father is."* *"WHO IS YOUR FATHER! WHY IS HE SO SPECIAL?"* *"Jasper, but his friends call him Casper, and metaphorically it doesn't pertain to him, not in comparison to his disposition. Well now I can't sleep but goodnight, not much more I can do except sit in the circle and watch your house and that won't do any good."* He threw the coat over his shoulder dropped the loafers one by one and put them on without taking his eyes off of me. *"It's been pleasant to know u."* I couldn't even say anything and he didn't even ask me to kiss him. He never asked could he kiss me but he wanted me to willingly do it and wasn't dominant! Why did he seem like a child who needed affection, who was bold enough to demand someone to kiss them! They didn't even seem like demands but they had to have been because we had kissed. As I walked naked down the hall and toward the door to secure the locks, he sat the shot glass on the end table and locked the bottom lock himself before leaving out without putting on the coat. That hurt, but why because I was a married woman? I ran to the bed and dropped to my knees to pray I couldn't get "Dear God" out fast enough! I understood now but what could I do, I needed a sign--could I run? I couldn't hide! How! I didn't make that much money working at the grocery store, and I needed Trudy to keep my babies, they couldn't be at home right then. I knew what he said but what was he saying!? Lord help me, I hadn't done anything wrong! I mean I had *somewhat committed adultery * but this had been in the making. Now it made sense but I had to still be missing a lot. Why couldn't Jachin just TELL ME! What code of conduct would he be breaking if he just tell me! He didn't even want to have sex with me, which damaged my self esteem each time he left me. I would be aroused and he didn't want what I wanted and that was ALL I WANTED! Who buys 50 condoms and don't have intentions on using them! I couldn't take it! I wanted to drive to Grandma's but she lived 35 minutes away, Rod had taken me out of the city limits, away from the only people he knew I had! I prayed for my babies, *"Lord I will give my life so my children can live!"* I was trembling with fear and couldn't stop peeking out of the frosted windows, the December wind was blowing fiercely and now my house didn't feel empty but I knew no one else was inside! The doors were locked! I was on my way to the kitchen for the gun when the limb slammed into the side of the house, but it didn't stop. I ran back to the bedroom, I needed to just leave! I had to be at work at ten that morning but I needed to get out of that house, *why hadn't he told me his door would be unlocked this time! *I couldn't call him, I didn't have his number, he needed is journal back! I picked up my phone from the dresser to find the profile he made but he had deleted it. I went down the list of ignored friend requests and tried to accept them all; some had been cancelled! I needed to get dressed and leave! The wind just wouldn't stop blowing the limbs! I couldn't take it, I dropped down by the bed but this time I sat down to open the drawer. I had reached over my head and was feeling the bottom with my left hand, Jachin had pushed Rod's gun all the way to the back of the drawer. Rod just didn't know he had hurt me bad that time. He had talked his way out of one the summer he came home, I had only caught her in the car and couldn't prove anything; Broderick was almost a year. I closed my eyes and saw my babies then I got back on my knees. I prayed for my children hard but couldn't bring myself to pray for him, my prayer was so selfish it couldn't have been heard, and how unjust had I been? I cried and snatched the computer cords loose! I could have been a nurse! I got dressed and drove to my job, I sat in the parking lot until 6 when the store opened refusing to drive the six minutes and Elaine didn't want me to clock in early, *"Bronson ain't letting us get overtime right now. Ya shift start at 10 don't it? Girl u look a mess, go get yaself together before u come up in here."* I was afraid to go home, and she had confirmed what I thought, I didn't need to be out in public looking like I was. *WHY COULDN'T HE JUST TELL ME AT FIRST! * I was fucked up and scared for my babies to come home, I didn't even want to live there! That day was hell and I went through a whole tank of gas riding in circles and sitting in the car, Jachin hadn't gone home that night. I called Trudy and couldn't explain anything because she was so angry, but more so disappointed in me, *"U thought I wouldn't find out that wasn't Jason! Nikki, I didn't know u were that lowdown. These children don't deserve this, if u don't wanna do right by them then give them to some one who will! Yes we will keep them because u don't need to be behaving like a whore around Ava! U must think Im a fool!* *WHY DIDN'T HE JUST COME OUT AND TELL MEEE! He had left me so confused and I wanted him bad! He could have killed Rod that night, he was the main target--and ROD knew he was safe and we weren't!* *Days passed, I laid right there on the living room floor watching the door, it had gotten the best of me, I had read the journal and found out why Jachin couldn't tell me, I also found out I had been all wrong about her last name, it wasn't Patterson at all, Renell had remarried.* *Destiny Poole was her name and Jasper Poole was not to be fucked with.*