Chapter 7: No Hug? Try Hands

AJ’s POV

I was curious about a lot of things. Pretty close to top of the list for me, is that it was intimate to be carried away to safety like Maxx had done. I found that I sort of enjoyed being taken care of by force, even though at the same time I’d been upset that my agency was lost. I truly had wanted to fight. But, maybe what really was going on was that I wanted to be saved by my mate even more.

But I had a lot of questions. Even though it was hard to keep them straight, what with him complimenting my eyes like that. What a charmer.

I didn’t know what to do with my body, since I was just sort of standing in front of Maxx, all awkward and vulnerable. I would have sat down, so I didn’t have to deal with it, but I had just stood up off the ground and I didn’t want to look dumb in front of Maxx.

It was too late, though, because he noticed something was off.

“What’s wrong, AJ?”

“It’s, uhm. It’s…” I started, then trailed off. How was I supposed to tell him I didn’t always feel comfortable inside my body and I didn’t always know what to do with it?

“If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s okay.” He said. Maxx to the rescue, picking up on how uncomfortable I was feeling. Then it got a little worse when he moved in to hug me. People normally didn’t get super close to me, so I didn’t know how to handle it.

“Are you okay?” Maxx asked me.

“I just feel really overwhelmed, I think.” I said. It sounded super lame, and I really didn’t want to disappoint Maxx by seeming unstable. But I thought honesty would be the best policy with him. That was already pretty huge to me. Just the fact that I could be honest with him was amazing, especially considering that we had only just met.

It was even more amazing when he right away backed up to give me my space. I saw him considering something for a moment. Then, he reached out a hand to me, with a question painted on his face.

He didn’t have to verbally tell me it was okay not to hold hands. I got the impression from him he would understand either way. I kept my head tilted to the ground because I was nervous. But I looked up at Maxx. He was smiling with patience and kindness. There was a calm swagger about him and he oozed a confidence which said that, no matter what came up, he could handle it in stride.

I couldn’t help but feel that, depending on how our relationship grew, maybe we could come to handle our lives together. That maybe he could share his swagger with me, and I could share my… AJ… ness.

… I was going to have to work on that, wasn’t I?

I shook myself out of it. We had only just met. I had to remind myself that it was a little early to be considering a life together. Although, it seemed like a guarantee, given the power of the mate bond pull. No wonder it was considered a fairy tale. It was simply too good to be true. So much so that I hardly believed it myself.

In fact, being with Maxx was like sitting next to a fire, and sharing stories with a couple of friends. It was something I hadn’t ever experienced. But when I saw my packmates doing it, it always looked like a comfortable place to be.

Maxx, so quickly, had become my comfortable place. I found him comfortable enough that I was starting even to get comfortable with myself.

I looked at him in a new light. I found I wanted to kiss him, which would have been a tremendous step for me, given that I had just backed away from a hug.

Instead, to not freak out by moving too fast, I settled on just holding Maxx’s hand. That itself was electric to me. I decided I could worry about getting more physically intimate when the time came. I secretly hoped he could help me along on that front. For now, holding hands was good. More than that, it was right.

What was I even saying? I was finally spending time with my mate. This was more right than anything had been before.

Maxx led me through the forest for a while. Neither of us knew where we were going, and for a time, neither of us felt the need to speak. It was just nice to be with each other, to just get a feel for each other’s presence.

I laughed a little, just thinking about it. It caught Maxx’s attention.

“What’s so funny?” He asked.

“It’s just that you don’t meet your mate every day.”

“Oh?” He asked. “Do go on. What is it like, meeting your mate? I’ve always been curious.”

I made a point of bumping into him because he was being silly. But it was cute. My mate was cute.

“It’s your energy.” I said. “I just like feeling you, that’s all.”

Maxx smiled at that. It was a small one, but deep. “I like it too.”

I looked at him, then. And he looked at me. But neither of us made a move (good thing, I definitely wasn’t ready for more), and again, we fell into the most comfortable silence there had ever been. But I had questions for him. After we’d been walking for a while, the time was finally right to ask them.

“So, Maxx. You wanna tell me about your pack?”

I had hoped it could be a casual conversation starter. But I sensed him tense when I brought it up.

“Not really.” He eventually said.

Come on, Maxx. Give me more than that. “I’m sorry if I made it sound weird.” I offered, hoping that would help.

Then he came back with, “Your thing is more weird.”

Now, that just wasn’t very constructive at all.

“Okay.” I said. “So, let’s just assume that we’re equally weird. I’ve been split away from my pack, and I feel fine about it. And, you’ve been split from your pack, and you feel weird. Right?”

“Of course. And I think it’s weird that you feel fine about that. No offense.”

“None taken!” I squeezed Maxx’s hand to emphasize that I really was doing fine. “In all honesty, it sounds like you’re probably right. Come to think of it, I guess I have always been distant from the other shifters. I just, didn’t realize it was a “me” thing. So, you’ve got me there.”

Maxx objected. “That makes it sound like it’s a competition. I don’t want us to compete about how we’re weird.”

“We really should stop saying that word. It’s starting to not make sense anymore. But, I get you. So, now it’s your turn.”

“My turn?”

“Sure. If my thing is that my pack connection is weak, then what’s your thing? With the Satellite Alphas. What’s that like?”

I was focusing on our conversation, both because it was stuff I needed to know, and also just because it was Maxx I was talking with. But I was getting distracted by my hand getting a little sweaty in his. I hoped he didn’t mind, because I was really enjoying holding Maxx’s hand as we walked through the forest.

I’m sure it was a strange thing to notice, but for all I knew it was the sort of thing normal people noticed all the time. I just, didn’t have much hand holding experience. I wasn’t quite ready for it to end, so in case he also was noticing me getting clammy, I held onto his hand a little more tight. Maybe that would make the problem more apparent? But maybe it would be harder for him to pull away, too.

God, what was happening to me? Why was I overthinking something so silly like holding hands? It was dumb. It was stupid.

It was also unironically one of the best moments of my life.

I couldn’t be quite sure if that said more about the quality of this moment in particular, or how entirely disconnected I was from every other moment in my life. But I’m pretty sure it was just because I liked Maxx that much.

Boy was that weird to admit.

And, as far as hand holding was concerned, I did feel a bit like I was holding Maxx’s hand through our conversation. He seemed reticent to talk about his pack for some reason. And I didn’t want to push him into talking about something he wasn’t comfortable talking about. But I wanted to get to know more about who my new mate was.

There was a bit of a mystery about it all, too. There weren’t supposed to be shifters here. Nobody knew a pack even existed out here. But with rumors that vampires were somehow involved, it was important for me to know what was going on.

I wasn’t ever intending on leaving my mate. In fact, I planned to be with him forever. But first, I needed to know exactly what that would entail.