Overwhelmed

Every thought, that I'm thinking.

Is running wildly inside of my head.

And it's overwhelming me.

To the point, I'm about to lose control.

Which would land me back into the hospital.

Either badly injured, or in a terrible mental state.

I never could express my feelings.

They've been building up inside for seven years.

Now they have exploded and I lost everything.

My relationship with my boyfriend.

And the friendship with others have been ruined.

Because I've bottled up everything, to the point they exploded like a grenade.

Destroying everything in the way.

I'm not crazy, just lost and I need a hand to lead me back on the right path.

I could never express how I really felt, except through poetry.

So, here I am spilling out my heart and what I truly feel.

Since age thirteen, I never thought that I was good enough.

I always tried being someone that I'm not, just so that someone would like me.

That lead me into bad situations, that I blame myself for.

Most of the situations I got into, isn't my fault.

The pain that I have received, I didn't deserve.

But all of these years, pain stuck in my head.

And that's why I began self-harming in the first place.

Every negative word that someone has told me.

Dug a hole into my brain and stayed.

I lost my self esteem and confidence.

At times, I get so defensive and fight people.

That's how I push people away, to protect myself.

Even till this day, I shove the ones I care about into the distance.

So, that my heart won't feel that pain again.

Now, I realize that holding onto the last and the pain from it..is making me miserable.

It's causing me to ruin relationships with everyone around me.

I'm not sure, how to move forward from what I've been through.

It's been a burden. that is slowly killing me each and every day.

I'm my own worse enemy and I've seen that.

I caused myself, the most pain and I think that I'm ready to finally let everything that has happened go.

And start a new life....I want to be happy.

I don't want to be sad and miserable anymore.

Not anymore...I am ready to accept reality and choose happiness.