Chapter 115

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"So, I've been trapped in IKEA. Sounds like the setup for a bad joke. The lights went out at 10 PM. Nearly gave me a heart attack.

After the loud clang of the electricity shutting off, there was nothing but pitch-black darkness. There are plenty of beds around here, and my phone works as a flashlight—though there's no signal—but at least I could find a bed to sleep in.

The next day, I spent almost the entire time searching for an exit with no luck. But I did find a restaurant with meatballs, so at least I won't starve here. It's like the punchline to the joke. They were fresh and hot, though I didn't see anyone around making them. I think I should return to the bed before dark. It's impossible to search in the darkness.

It's 9:10 AM now, and the lights just came back on. I've searched the entire area, and it's clear the exit isn't here, so I'll need to pick a direction and hope for the best.

On the third day of my magical IKEA adventure, someone might ask how I'm keeping track of time. First, I can look at my phone. Second, the lights here follow a schedule: they turn off and on at specific times, allowing me to judge the passage of day and night.

At first, I wasn't sure this place was truly strange, but now I'm certain. I walked in a straight line for about three hours (insert IKEA joke here) before coming across a set of ladders leading to huge shelves.

I climbed up to get a better view, and this place seems to stretch on forever. It's like that scene from The Lion King, except instead of trees and savannah, there are shelves, tables, and junk. I did see something moving not too far away. I decided to head over.

At first, I thought it was an employee—it was wearing a uniform.

But damn, it was a seven-foot-tall creature with long arms and short legs, with no face—just the kind of thing they'd hope would work in a super IKEA. But the thing completely ignored me. With no eyes or ears, I wasn't even sure it knew I existed. I considered throwing something to get its attention, but its hands were big enough to crush a watermelon, so I decided against it.

It just kept walking and eventually disappeared from view, so I decided to continue on my way.

In any case, tonight, I won't have a comfortable bed. It seems I've wandered into the part of the store with ridiculously hard and sharp tables.

I'll probably have to make do with a few tablecloths. My phone battery's dead today. It wasn't much help, but I feel like I've lost a crucial lifeline.

Have you ever seen those scenes in cartoons where a character enters a door in a hallway only to come out from another door in the same hallway? That's how I feel right now. For two whole days, all I've seen are identical shelves.

Row after row after row. I mean, come on, I love books as much as the next person, but this is too much. I'm sure I'm still moving forward because I can see signs passing overhead. But it's frustrating that none of them say 'Exit.'

I'm not sure who I'm writing these complaints to.

Let's just say it's for my autobiography once I get out of here. I'll call it 'My Paranormal Adventure in an Ordinary IKEA.'

If I ever get out. Finally, I found someone else! I'm not the only poor soul trapped here.

Lucky me, I guess. This is my sixth night here.

Two of those employee creatures came at me in the dark. They weren't quite like the first one I saw, but still a mess. I heard them coming, and they said something about the store being closed and that I had to leave, in a friendly, polite tone. I'm not sure what's creepier: the fact that they have no mouths or that they were saying this while trying to kill me. They came at me like rabid dogs.

So, I ran. I ran through IKEA like a madman in the dark. But as I was leaving a big stack of shelves, I saw it: a town built with torches and floodlights.

They had constructed an entire town out of shelves, bed frames, and tables.

I swear it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. They must have seen or heard me (or heard my very manly scream), because they opened the gate and waved me in. After the gate shut, I could still hear the employees banging on it, still politely informing us that the store was closed.

But eventually, they left. They call this town 'Exchange and Returns' because that's what the sign hanging from the ceiling says. They hooked up lights to the ceiling to brighten the night. There are beds, food, and people—more than 50 wonderful, normal-looking people.

This is my seventh night here and the first one not spent in darkness. A whole week in IKEA. This might be a reality show somewhere.

Now that I'm around people, I feel a little more normal. Maybe normal isn't the right word. After a week of only my own footsteps for company, I was pretty sure I was going insane. I thought I'd end up in a padded room, banging my head against the wall. But no, I still feel sane, thanks to these people!

It seems there are other towns here. Some are bigger, some are smaller. I find it unbelievable—how could so many people disappear without anyone noticing? Surely someone would realize that people entering IKEA just vanish. Or maybe not all of them. Perhaps we're just the unlucky few.

The people here call those employee creatures 'The Staff.'

It seems they're fine during the day, just wandering the aisles, minding their business.

But as soon as the lights go out, they turn into crazed maniacs, so during the day, people go out to scavenge for food, water, and anything else they need. Apparently, there are restaurants and stores that get restocked periodically.

No one knows how this happens. Maybe it's the Staff. It seems they're not too good at their job because the restocking sometimes takes a while, so food needs to be rationed.

Maybe if they weren't so busy trying to grab people in the dark, they'd be more productive.

Anyway, when night falls, the Staff goes nuts, and everyone has to hunker down behind the walls.

Apparently, this happens all over the place, wherever this place is—well, IKEA, the source of all other IKEAs. Or maybe we're just in an ordinary IKEA, and this is all a crazy dream born out of mind-numbing boredom. Who knows?

I've been here for ten days now. Most people I've asked said they stopped counting a long time ago. One guy, Chris, said he's been here for years.

Years.

There are rumors that someone managed to escape. Those who've seen the exit say it disappears right in front of their eyes. I'm not sure if everyone believes this, but I do.

It would explain why we're stuck here in the first place. I mean, come on, Staff monsters and endless high-quality Swedish furniture. Why wouldn't there be a disappearing door?"

(End of Chapter)