Chapter one

It was the year of 1996, the year that changed the world I was living in. I was eleven years old when my mom has been diagnosed with cancer, I left my father with the doctor and went out of to have some air. I sat on the stairs of the hospital and cried. All what I was thinking of what would happen to me and to my siblings. My father followed me, he sat beside me and said:

"Everything is going to be okay. But don't tell anything to your brother and sister, they are still too young to accept this news."

He was right, my brother was four years and sister was two years. They were little kids to lose their mother and I was too young to have such a responsibility.

Day after day, my mother's condition was getting worse, and every time I asked her she said that she is fine. It never came to me that my mother would lie to me in my face. Maybe she had too; she couldn't say "I'm dying dear, and you just have to accept it." She knew how attached to her I was after all she is my mom. They didn't tell me anything, but I knew it. I even saw my dad crying one night when my mother was staying in the hospital. My uncle had stayed with him that night to make him feel better. I returned to my room and cried until I fell asleep; my siblings didn't know anything and most of the time they were staying at my aunt's house. The next day I went to see my mother, her face was pale like she hasn't eaten for days and her body was as if it was filled with water. The doctors said that cancer has ruined her kidneys and intestines. I kissed her and went outside; I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I didn't want her to think I'm weak. I didn't even tell her about all the nights I slept crying.

Two years passed, my mother was still sick, the chemotherapy didn't give any good effect. The doctors decided to start radiotherapy. They knew it wasn't better, but they didn't have another choice. Two months only of radiotherapy, and my mother didn't come ever again from the hospital.

The last time I saw my mother was one month before she died. My mother was very sick and in addition to that I made it worse when I told her my last grades in the midterm exams and she never wanted to see me again. Her words were very tough, but she was right, I should give more effort on my studies. So to make it up for her, I promised her to study more and get excellent grades on my final exam.

Then it happened, we finished school and cancer finished my mom. When it was time to reconcile, my mom was gone. It was that day when I was back from school, I ran to my room to call my mother and tell her that my grades are getting better. The phone rang for several times but no one answered, I felt something was wrong. Then my aunt and my father took me aside and told me that the person I loved the most has gone away. She died that Tuesday morning when cancer has ruined her whole body. All I was thinking of how I will continue my life when I knew my mother left and was sad from me; I didn't even have the chance to see her smiling for the last time. I locked myself in the room and cried I didn't know what to say, I can't believe that my mother is gone. There was no one to tell him how I felt or can cure my pain. Everyone was preparing for the funeral and my brother and sister didn't understand anything. I cried for a while, then went to my room put some music on and danced. Everyone was surprised by my reaction and couldn't understand what I was doing, but it was my way to change my mood and get out of depression, so my siblings want notice anything is wrong.

One it was time for the funeral, I stayed at home with my siblings who should be away from this sad atmosphere. They were too young to understand that they have become orphans. My aunt and I spent days to distract them and make them have fun while my other aunt was staying at home making herself sad for the loss of her sister. From the day of the funeral, we didn't see her as if I died with my mother also. Even on holidays she didn't call or asked about me or about my little sister and brother.

A week later, my dad decided he wanted to take them to the river. As I have heard, there he met some friends. One of his friends had brought a lady with him so that her dad can meet her. When they came back, my father told me that he wants me to go with him to the supermarket to get some things the house. So the next day, while we were shopping, a woman came and talked to my father. He introduced her to me, her name was Jina, she was a relative of my father's friend. I gave her a quick look, and from her style she seemed rude. Then when we got back, my father told me he was thinking of marrying her. His excuse was that he needed someone to take care of my siblings. I didn't agree to that. She wasn't the one for my father, and her look doesn't seem she can take this responsibility. But my father didn't hear from anyone, he did what he wanted.

From that day I knew I was losing my father also. I knew that that woman will be taking my father from me. It was true, one month later my father and Jina married. My father didn't have time for me nor did he have time for my siblings. And as I thought, Jina didn't have what it takes to take care of my siblings. She spent her days traveling and shopping and their responsibility was mine. They were the only thing that was left from my mother. I would do anything to make them happy and hate everyone who would hurt them even with a word. Year after year, we grew together not asking my father anything just for money. He was too busy with his new wife and their travels.

I thought it was going okay with me, but it wasn't. As a teenager I needed my father by my side, someone who cares about me. Then it happened that one day, at school, my friend told me she liked her cousin and she didn't know how to tell him, so I told her that maybe I can help her. I will talk to him and see if he likes her too. That night, I added him on Facebook and talked, but I didn't tell him that I was a friend of his cousin. The reason I hid that is that my friend asked me not to tell him and it was okay with me. Day after day, we became very close and every time my friend asks me anything about him I say nothing. About three weeks later, Alex, my friend's cousin, told me that there is something he wanted to confess.

"Say whatever you want, we're friends now." I replied hoping that he will tell me that he likes his cousin.

"Look Clara, I think I like you, or it's more like I love you." He said.

"But what about your cousin, I know she likes you." I replied.

He was astonished after a moment he said: "You know my cousin and how you didn't say anything before?!"

"She told me not to say anything."

"and if she likes me, why YOU talked with me in the first place?!" he said.

"I don't know, maybe because she is too shy to ask if you like her back or even talk a single word with you!"

He remained silent for a moment, maybe he was surprised with what I just said especially she is her COUSIN. However, Alex didn't care about his cousin at all what he wants now is to know if I agree to be his girlfriend or not. I wanted to think, after all his cousin is my friend. But day after day, Alex and I got really close to each other, so close that my best friend started to feel that something was going on, but I denied it. Maybe because deep inside I didn't love Alex, I only liked the way he treated me.

After a time, my best friend knew that her cousin and I are in a relationship. She stopped talking to me, but I didn't care, all I wanted is to be with Alex. This relation got me with many fights with my friend. Every time she saw us together, she got the courage to talk with Alex. Even sometimes she asks him to talk with him alone. I was eager to know what she said to him, but then I knew or let's say his actions made me knew…

I lived with him the most beautiful moments in my life, especially the first months before he got jealous of every one which made me knew what his cousin was telling him. He was very romantic and did everything to make me happy. Every day after school he used to wait for me at the gate to see me just for five minutes. On Valentine's day, I escaped from school to go out with him. He invited me to a restaurant and bought a red bear for me. Then we went on a walk, and it started raining on us. Alex looked at me with him big blue eyes and grabbed me by the waist and kissed. It was my first kiss, my heart was beating too fast and I felt warmth I didn't feel before. His kiss was so gentle and nice; after that we went home with the most amazing feeling I had ever felt.

No one knew that I ran away from school except my neighbor who was with me in the same school. After two days, she visited my stepmother, Jina, and told her that I had ran away from school with my boyfriend.

Jina waited until her husband came back from work then asked me:

"Where were you last Wednesday?"

"At school, why?"

"It means you didn't see anybody?"

I stood silent for a moment, then Jina told my dad everything about the date and running away from school. He whipped me hard until Jina called my aunt to come over and see what is happening.

My aunt, Ms. Souzi, is a very kind person. She always tried to help me and listend for me. Although my father tried to push her away, she stayed with me. She tried to calm my father down and understand what exactly happened from me. I told her what I did, Ms. Souzi talked to me and explained that what I did was wrong.

Then Jina started to defend herself:

"I didn't want him to hit her like that, I just wanted to let him know what she did."

For three days I stayed in my room, I didn't eat or talk to anybody. My dad also decided to keep me at home and not send me to school. In that way he thought he was keeping my safe from others, but he didn't know he was losing me.

Then after a week the director of the school called my father to ask why I wasn't going to school, but my father said that I was feeling a little bit sick and he will send me to school tomorrow.

The next day, I went to school, my face was pale and my arms had bruises. The moment I arrived to school I asked my friend if I can borrow her phone. I sent a message to Alex telling him everything that happened and that I can't talk with him anymore. He promised that he will find a way to talk and solve things out.

My friends asked what was wrong with me, but I only said that I fell on the stairs and hurt myself. Few days passed without Alex, the feeling of missing him didn't leave me at all, his kiss and everything came to me every night in my dreams. Then one day when I was leaving school, I saw him standing beside the gate holding a teddy bear with a necklace. I was surprised and afraid that my father would see him since the time he knew I ran away he insisted to pick me up every day.

"What are you doing here ?!" I said.

"Happy late birthday !!" and that was his only words. He hugged me tight and left. I went home filled with astonishment, I couldn't believe what happened. I thought that Alex has forgotten my birthday or even has forgotten me.

That day, when my parents went to sleep, I took the phone from my father's closet and talked to Alex.

"Did you like the gift?" he asked.

"Yea, a lot. But how could you do this for me, what if my father saw you??!!"

"I needed to see you, I miss you and I miss talking with you." He answered.

"I miss you too." I said this and hang up the phone.

We spent our nights like this, talking secretly at night and seeing him when my father had work. Our relation lasted for two years, they were full of sadness and happiness. Then I started to grow, I realized that Alex wasn't the one for me. In addition to that, he was a very jealous person. He prevented me from going out with my friends just because there will be other guys. All of this caused us many troubled in our relation, so I decided it was time to break up.

But Alex loved me so much, and he won't let me go. He was ready to marry me even we were still young. I refused to marry him, he wasn't mature enough. To make Alex hate me, I did everything he disagreed on. I went on trips with my friends, I also had new friends that were boys.

Just before my exams, Alex broke up with me. Although I was doing this to break up, I had some kind of depression and tried to get him back since I needed someone to stand beside me at that time.

School year ended with a perfect ending, I succeeded in my exams with high grades. Actually I didn't know how I did that especially after what I had come through, but what matters I did it and I was totally over Alex. Although deep inside I regret what I have done to someone who loved me that much.