LetMeRegress - Don't read this

"Huff..."

I took a deep breath in.

"Huff..."

The smell of rusted iron entered my nose as I did.

"Huff..."

Yet, I didn't stop. I took another deep breath and filled my lungs with the fetid air as much as I could. Another one. The disgusting smell made me want to puke and throw up my guts, but I didn't stop taking deep breaths.

"Huff..."

I would die if I stopped. Just like everyone else. I too would die.

'I have to...'

I have to keep going.

Splash

Water splashed everywhere as I took one step forward. It took my everything to take that small, heavy step and move through the water under my feet.

'I need to keep going.'

Splash

No. It wasn't water. It was red. It smelled like rust.

PLOP

My foot tripped on something. Water splattered around as I lost my balance and fell down to the pool I was walking in. My knees dug into the mud and my soggy clothes got wet.

It hurt. It ached. The wound on my torso hurt from the impact of falling down as if a cold blade had stabbed it again. My whole body ached. Blood gushed out of the wounds. It was a surprise how I could still bleed in this state.

Hah. Life is full of surprises.

I looked down at the thing I tripped. Ripped clothe, slashed meat, a tattered back. The back of a cold body, drenched in water.

No. It wasn't water. It was red.

Blood.

It was blood.

I was walking in a pool of blood.

In a pool of bodies.

In a pool of death.

Yet, I didn't stop. Moving up my body, my injured and aching body, I moved my foot again. I stood at my feet, though barely, though trembling, though my back was bent from the pain, I stood up.

'I have to end this.'

I had a job to do. I had to move on. I had to do the thing I came here for. This time, I would do it. I would succeed for sure.

Even if it meant I had to move through a pool of blood, even if it meant I had to step on the cold and torn bodies of my friends, even if it meant I had to move this tattered body that barely had any energy left, I had to go.

I had to finish this.

Because I couldn't take it any longer. I didn't want to repeat this anymore. I was tired. I wanted to live even if it meant my death.

I wanted to live.

Clack

Clack

Splash

The tip of the sword in my hand hit the bodies on the ground one by one as I took more and more steps. I didn't have the energy to lift the metallic thing up and hold it properly, but I couldn't let go of it either. I grabbed its hilt with all my might as I walked forward.

As I walked towards the figure that was watching me all this while.

"Stop it."

The figure said. I didn't pay any mind.

"You might live if you stop there."

"...."

Live.

I wanted to live.

I wanted to finally live.

That's why I had to move on. That was the only way for me to survive, live, run, to free myself.

To free... myself... from this curse.

Free...

"I'm telling you. It is meaningless."

The man spoke again. I didn't care. I wobbled, staggered, and barely moved my body towards the person who was standing on his spot firmly. I couldn't see his face in my blurry vision, but I knew what kind of expression he had.

Pity.

He was looking at me with pity, sadness, and at the same time hatred.

It was complicated. Things had always been complicated between us. From the very first day up until now, nothing went fine between us as it was supposed to go.

But it didn't matter now.

Tap

Taking one last step, I stopped a few inches away from him. He was still standing there, watching me. He glanced around at the land filled with corpses with a shadowed face as if feeling guilty. As if he regretted it now that things had come to this.

I too glanced around. Unlike the area behind me, the land behind the man was... beautiful. Soft grass, clean water, tall trees, soldiers standing in lines without even a scratch on them, no blood, no bodies. No deaths.

The perfect image of the victorious side in this battle.

It made my heart ache. It made me filled with wrath. No, maybe it was envy or maybe guilt. I don't know. I know nothing. Why was it like this? Why him? That's what I'd always asked from myself, from the world, from fate.

Why was it me?

"Hah!"

A gasp, a scoff, left my trembling lips. Was there any use in thinking about these now?

I put all of my remaining strength in the hand that was holding my sword and raised the thing up.

I raised the blade, the shaking blade, the blood-drenched blade, up. I moved it towards the man that was still staring at me.

'I have to end this.'

That was the only thing in my mind. That was the only way left. The only thing I hadn't tried yet. The last path for me to flee, the path I never wanted to take. The path that, I know walking on it, will make me hate myself even more.

But I decided to be selfish.

I had to kill this man. This young man.

I had to kill him. I had to end this.

"Gasp!"

I gasped as I opened my eyes.

"Gasp! Gasp!"

Blood.

Blood.

There is blood everywhere. I had to move. I had to-

I grabbed the hilt of my sword.

"Huh?"

My sword. Where is my sword? Why is it so... soft?

I looked down at myself.

"Ah!?"

A muffled sound left my lips.

There was no blood around me. No bodies. No swords.

"A dream? Gasp!"

I gasped and moved my body up, sitting in the bed with a drenched back.

"Gasp... Gasp...."

'It was a dream. Another dream.

Take deep breaths. It's fine. It's over now. It's fine.'

I whipped the sweat off my forehead and took deep breaths. My hand touched my hair as I whipped my forehead. I turned my head towards the small mirror in my room. I could clearly see my messy, fairly navy blue hair, which was long enough to touch my shoulders.

My hair wasn't this long a few seconds ago...

I took deep breaths as I consoled myself. Instead of the smell of rust that I was expecting, the scent of food entered my nose.

"Ah!"

It made me realize it again.

'I fell asleep...'

It was a dream. It was a dream. A dream.

I brushed my face with my hands.

'Damn. Why did I have to dream of that time right now?'

I cursed in my mind as I continued to take deep breaths, doing my best to calm my heart that was beating like crazy. I reflexively touched my long hair, wiggling with the messy thing as I took deep breaths. It made me feel better.

After a few minutes, I lowered my hands and moved my body to stand up and walk out of the bedroom while tying my hair up in a ponytail.

I strolled towards the kitchen of my house where the appetizing aroma was coming from.

'How could I fall asleep while cooking this food?'

Splash

I splashed cold water on my face.

It was water.

'Yeah! Water and not fucking blood!'

I moved towards my bed to pick up my towel and dry my face but... Screw towels I'll just use my sleeve! I don't want to go around any beds for the time being!

'Stupid dream! Did you have to ruin my mood today of all days?'

And while I was reading books and waiting for my lunch to get ready! You brainless dreams!

'Anyway!'

I shook my head and walked to the kitchen. I won't let anything ruin my mood again today. It's such a wonderful day after all!

It's a great day, I mean probably the best day of my life! It's not every day that you get to experience something like this, and it's not that everyone ever gets the chance for it!

Then, I'm probably one of the luckiest people in the world right now.

I kinda feel bad for the people who can't feel the same joy as I'm feeling at the moment... Don't worry humankind, I'll enjoy this moment to its fullest in your stead!

"Finally!"

I put down the boiling pot on the kitchen table. The food in the pot looked and smelled so good that I thought I'd faint if I didn't eat it right away. I was drooling only by smelling it. It made me instantly forget about the shitty things I saw just moments ago. Food is really the best.

"Hmm~"

I picked up a plate, a spoon, and a fork. Putting everything on the table, I finally sat down on the wooden chair beside the table and started to fill my plate with delicious food.

My tiny house, filled with the smell of food, felt like heaven. Why would it be any different from heaven anyway? Not just the food I'm about to eat now, but everything else about the life I'm having is perfect.

I'm living my best life here.

And especially, I now even have the thing that I was after for a while.

After so many days of working my butt off, I am finally having a two-day break. I have to go back to work the day after tomorrow again, but that doesn't matter at the moment. As long as I can eat my food and sleep well at night, I won't complain about anything even if I'm forced to work 25 hours a day.

...Nah. What do you mean by that? I would definitely complain if I was forced to work 25 hours a day! I mean, what the hell?! Why would I do that? I'm not a slave!

Um, yeah.

Not anymore.

"Anyway~"

I filled my spoon with the food and moved up my hand. Steam was rising from the hot food, so I waited for it to cool down a bit.

This food, this beautiful thing, the hottest thing in the world, it's what I'd spent my one month's worth of earnings on. No, maybe a little bit more than a month's earning...

Is it stupid?

I don't think so! After all, it's a food that not all people can eat! It's not expensive though, it's just a little bit.. tricky.

It's hard to gather the ingredients and hard to cook. So hard that it's nearly impossible for ordinary people to ever taste it.

Only someone like me, with a lot of experience in life, can know where to find everything and how to cook them all!

Uh, what's with 'A lot of experience in life'? I'm still young though... Anyway.

"It's not hot anymore I guess."

As I muttered that to myself, I moved the spoon towards my mouth and closed my eyes. You know, it's what those people do when they want to show that the food is too delicious. They close their eyes, eat a small bit of the food, then start making weird noises and facial expressions...

Um... Let's forget about the last part with the weird noises...

And I finally put the spoon in my mouth.

"...Hmm?"

It's strange. What? Why can't I taste anything? I ate the spoonful of the food though, didn't I?

I waited for a second or two.

'I still can't?'

No. Not that I can't, it's just that there was no food in my mouth. Did the food fall out of the spoon or something? Oh no. The precious food better not get wasted.

I wanted to fill the spoon again with my eyes still closed for the fun, but I couldn't. Because now even my hand that was holding the spoon kinda feels empty. Where did the spoon go? Did I drop it as well?

'What the hell-'

I snapped my eyes open.

"...."

And closed them back as soon as I saw the scene before my eyes.

'No.'

This can't be real.

I pressed my eyelids and took a deep breath.

'Nope. There is no way.'

Right. I am just imagining things. I am too happy to finally eat this meal that I'm hallucinating. Can food make you hallucinate? I don't know. That's not the matter right now. It's just... this isn't real. Haha! Such a thing can't happen on such a day. It CAN'T!

First the dream and now this. Today was supposed to be a perfect day but what in the world is going on? Damn, I must've known such a thing would happen after I woke up from that shitty dream.

Please! Please! Be only a hallucination!

I prayed to I don't know whom.

Please. Let the reason why I can't sense the taste of the food be that I've lost my sense of taste. Let the reason why I can't feel the weight of the spoon be that my arm somehow got cut off. Please. Let the reason why I saw that scene be that I've finally gone crazy.

Please. Anything but the thing I'm thinking about.

Okay! This thing can happen, but not now! Please give me at least ten minutes to mentally prepare for it, and also eat my food in the meantime.

'I'll open my eyes one more time to peek out.'

And I just did.

"...."

...But everything was still the same.

"Haha!"

A chuckle left my mouth.

"What are you doing?"

I heard someone's voice. Yes! A voice! The voice of a person! In my house! In my supposedly empty house!

"Stop dozing off! Do your job properly!"

No. I was no longer in my house.

'Why now? Why so suddenly?'

I looked around at the place I was. I already knew how this place looked and had long memorized even the locations of the cracks on the walls, but I still examined it thoroughly.

A large room. So large that it could be considered to be a hall. White walls, high ceiling, beautifully decorated patterns engraved on the plaster. In the middle of the large room, beside the wall, was a huge bed with its lace curtains down, blocking the light and noise from reaching the person sleeping on the bed.

Three big windows on one of the walls were also covered by thick but beautiful curtains. A big closet on one side, a table with a large mirror next to the closet, colorful carpets covering the floor, expensive paintings on the wall, luxurious chandeliers hanging from the ceiling, a dining table with a few chairs, two long and large sofas in the middle of the room, a door on the wall opposing the windows and two other doors in the opposite side of the wall with the bed attached to.

People wearing black uniforms stood beside the lone door that lead to the hallway, peeking at the clock as they waited and prepared for something. The old man who was also wearing the black uniform walked inside the room and approached the curtains covering the windows, lifting them and making way for the bright sunlight of the early morning to reach the person sleeping in the bed.

"Hey!"

The same voice as before whispered again.

"Don't just stand there. Do your job."

And a man poked my side. Once I turned, I could see his eyes glaring at me with some hints of annoyance and scorn on them.

Yeah. I was familiar with that look.

'My job...'

I shifted my gaze to the bed.

'My job...'

I hate it. I hate everything. I don't understand at all! I didn't do anything at all this time. I was just quietly living my life. I had abandoned everything, ran far away, and was having a peaceful life. I enjoyed my life. I was happy.

Then why?

I looked down at the clothes I was wearing. A black and white neat uniform.

"...."

How should I feel now?

Should I be angry, annoyed, sad, or disappointed?

I don't know. I felt none of them.

Exhaustion.

That would be the name of the feeling I had.

I was tired. Too tired for this to happen again. Too tired to start things over again.

Why?

'Why did I regress again?'

I asked myself.

To be honest, I expected this to happen. Just like always, this would happen and ruin my life right at the best moment.

But why now? It's not the time yet. It's too early.

'Why did I regress this soon?'