Road Trip

Editors: Speedphoenix, Joker

"You okay?" I asked as I looked at the demon realm's agent. Her face had turned blue and she had been left unsteady on her feet. It was a clear case of motion sickness, one she had acquired by riding on Orochi's head; the way that the snake meandered as he moved had left her in quite the sorry state.

"I-I'm okay," she groaned.

Unlike the other demon, Leila was perfectly fine. For her, the ride had been much more of an entertaining thrill than a vomit-inducing method of torture. The maid happened to be the type of girl with a natural penchant for roller coasters. Haloria, however, was not so blessed. It wasn't my fault though. Riding Orochi had quite literally been something she had chosen herself. We had two options. The first was to take an extra day and slowly trek our way through the Wicked forest. The second was to hitch a ride on the Rir and Orochi express and reach a demon-run settlement before dark.

Riding the two adorable little critters had led to a change in Haloria's schedule, but as far as she was concerned, that was a good thing. The reality of the situation was that the entire demon realm could more or less explode into conflict at any given moment. Time was of the essence. And as such, Agent McHoodface had chosen the fastest option available to her.

Being incredibly hard workers, both of my pets had already started retracing their steps. It wouldn't be too long before they found themselves back home. The pet/rider distribution had been quite simple. The demon girl was stuck on Orochi while Leila and I rode on Rir. Having the maid sit behind me had been a… heavenly experience. The sensation of her chest on my back was one that had left me a very happy man. That said, I wasn't going to go ahead and talk to anyone about it. Lefi would murder me if she found out just how much I had enjoyed Leila's touch. The moment I realized that was the moment I swore that my knowledge of the softness of Leila's chest was a secret I would take to the grave.

Only after the agent recovered did she finally take us into town. The first thing I did after getting inside was to let my curiosity get the better of me.

"Huh… so this is what demon-run cities look like." I muttered under my breath as I examined my surroundings. Unlike human cities, demon cities didn't require ID. The guards had let us right past without even bothering to stop us. Another aspect that stood out to me immediately was just how varied and active the city folk were. The sun was only just above the horizon. It was sure to set shortly, and yet, the streets were still flooded. All sorts of different individuals were wandering about.

There were creatures with heads that resembled some sort of canine walking alongside individuals with heads reminiscent of some sort of avian. Many of the city-goers had horns, but each individual had a different number of them. There were so many tails all over the place that I couldn't even begin to count them. Reptile tails, beast tails, and demon tails were all within the norm. There were people that walked around on all fours only to suddenly stand up on their hind legs the moment they entered a building. And there were even creatures whose lower halves seemed to have been ripped right off a snake. I'm pretty sure they were called like nagas or something like that.

Classifying the individuals I saw into distinct categories was more or less impossible. The only choice I had was to just dump everything in the miscellaneous tab and call it a day. I guess this must be what it means to be on the mosaic side of the mosaic/melting pot spectrum.

Although I had suspected otherwise, Leila had explained to me that having animal parts didn't automatically make one a beastkin. Beastkin specifically referred to individuals that looked like they were human save for perhaps the ears and maybe a tail. Individuals with animal-like bodies and/or heads were demons.

Her explanation prompted me to immediately ask whether she was a beastkin as her most defining non-human trait seemed to be her horns. The answer was no. Though her race resembled beastkin, they were classified as demons because their animal-like traits weren't similar to those of beastkin and because they had the tendency to be proficient in magic. The entire system of classification was convoluted and very difficult for me to wrap my head around.

There was one thing that immediately became clear to me, however, and that was that all demons were innately proficient when it came to magecraft. In other words, even the guys that looked like literal animals on two legs excelled at magic. Wait a second. Does this mean that beastkin and beast-like demons might actually have completely different origins? I remember Lyuu saying something about her people descending from a fenrir or something like that. If that's actually true, then it means beastkin came from well… beasts. They're basically just mutated monsters. I think Lefi said something about demons being the result of spontaneous generation. They're supposed to have just popped up out of nowhere because magical particles decided to bond and whatnot, right? I guess that must mean that the particles decided to emulate whatever other life forms they found nearby during the formation process. Hence why you get these weird half beast-like demon thingies. Something like that would kind of explain why even the beast-like demons still have excellent compatibility with magic. Heh. This is interesting. I'm curious to see just how deep all this really runs.

Although the city was mostly made up of demons, there were a respectable number of beastkin about. It almost seemed odd to me. The faction with more power was one that preached demonic supremacy through brute force, but clearly, it didn't matter all that much when it came to the everyday lives of the populace.

"Wait! Oh! My! God! Are those cat ears!?" One of the individuals I spotted while looking around was a short beastkin whose head was decorated in a pair of feline hearing devices. She was wearing a t-shirt and a pair of shorts underneath what looked like a set of gear meant for an adventurer. Wait, did her ears just twitch? Hnnng.

Spending time with Rir had made the concept of having a canine companion grow on me. But, fundamentally speaking, I had always been more of a cat person, so seeing the cat-based beastkin had led me to freak out. Ermagerd. I really want to touch those ears and play around with them. They're so tempting! I want to touch them as badly as I want to touch Lefi's wings, holy shit!

The catgirl seemed to sense the passion in my gaze, as she turned my way and blew a kiss in my direction.

"Take this any further and I'll tell Lefi, My Lord," admonished Leila.

"Bad Master. No cheating," added Enne.

Both the maid that had been walking by my side and the sword girl holding my hand scolded me the moment it happened.

"Y-you girls have got it all wrong. I-I was just acting up because I happened to see something rare. That's all, I swear! I'm totally innocent!"

"I suppose we can just leave it at that then," said Leila.

"Y-yeah, let's," I stuttered. "Not a word to Lefi about this, alright? 'Cause I haven't done jack."

You know, at this rate, I don't even think I'll have any grounds to blame Lefi for wanting to put Leila on demon lord duty. This is totally 100% my own fault, isn't it? I coughed as I tried to play the whole scenario off and forced my expression to return to a neutral state.

"I can't believe it," the federal agent we were with continued to mumble as she stared at Enne. "Is she really the sword? This is unprecedented. I don't even think I've ever heard of a legendary weapon with such an unbelievable property…"

"So, Haloria, where exactly were we staying, anyway?" I addressed the agent with her name in order to avoid stirring up any sort of suspicion.

"W-we should be right over there," she said with a stutter.

She pointed towards a nearby building, one that looked like a typical western-styled boarding house with a fairly modern design. There really wasn't anything special about it. In fact, you could say that it's only real feature was how average it was.

On an unrelated note, Agent McHoodface was living up to her namesake. She had once again donned her hood. It seemed that, as a member of the secret service, she didn't exactly like having her face exposed in public.

"There, huh? Looks pretty average."

"That it does, My Lord."

"U-Uhm, sorry." Haloria shrank back as she spoke, probably because she seemed to think that I wasn't satisfied with the overly average hotel. "We don't really want our facilities to stand out, so we tried our best to make them as average as we could."

I reflected upon our plans as I looked at the place. The time we spent travelling was supposed to span three days, during which we would stop in a total of two cities along the way and spend a night in each. We would spend our third night at our destination, Regighihegg, the capital of the demon realm. First day aside, we would be travelling via coach. And although we were planning to stop overnight, we weren't actually switching lines or anything like that after reaching the second city. The coach we were taking was one that regularly provided service between the city we were currently in and the capital. The overnight stop was just another standard part of the trip, one that had to happen given the distance between the initial pick up location and the final destination.

Using Enne as an engine and jetting my way between my house and the capital probably would have shortened the three-day journey down to just a few hours, but unfortunately, it wasn't an option. The other two wouldn't have been able to keep up. Actually, on second thought I don't even know where the capital is, so I wouldn't have been able to go even if I was all by myself. Kinda would've needed to learn a bit more about the demon realm's geography first.

In games, the term "demon realm" often referred to a place in another dimension, a plane of existence completely separate from the human world. However, that wasn't the case here. In this world, the demon realm was just another piece of the same landmass. The only difference was that it was ruled by demons. And that was it. The coach we were about to get on wasn't one capable of transcending dimensions.

"Don't sweat it, it doesn't matter," I said. "A bed's a bed. Now let's go."

With Haloria as our guide, we entered the inn and got ourselves set up to spend the night in town.

***

Like everything else about the inn, the food it served was just… average. It wasn't particularly good, but it wasn't particularly bad either. Dinner alone had made me miss Leila's cooking. And breakfast the next day hadn't helped much to resolve the issue either. Like dinner, it had been about as average as average could be.

Haloria showed us to the coach that would take us to the capital shortly after we finished our mediocre morning meal.

"Wait. This is the coach?" Seeing the vehicle caused me to freeze up. It was just… wrong.

The carriage part of it was fine. It was a bit on the larger side, which wasn't even all that abnormal given the distance it had to travel, but that was more or less it. The problem lay with the… "horse."

A coach, as literally specified by most dictionaries, was a vehicle drawn by a horse. Specifically a horse. This coach, however, was not. In the horse's place was a giant mammoth with a hard-looking shell. The creature breathed with such force that you could almost see the air puff out each time it exhaled.

The easiest way to describe it was to take a quick look at Monster Hunter and call it a popo with a rhenoplos' shell. Errr, actually I guess all that does is make it even harder to understand, huh?

It was a creature that I had encountered before, the kind that was really annoying not because it was strong, but instead because of how much noise it made.

"Can you really even call this stupid thing a coach…?"

To reiterate, there was no horse. Having a horse was literally part of the definition of a coach, alternative definitions aside of course. And that was only one of the problems I had with it. The other was the fact that the mammoth-like creature was undoubtedly a monster, albeit one of a more tame variety. Of course, the first thing I did as the question crossed my mind was turn towards Leila and ask her about it.

"I believe coaches used horses in the past," she said. "But as the times changed, demons stopped holing themselves in small tribal communities and began living in cities. One tribe brought Delmell Marmeaux with them as they moved, and they soon became quite popular. They're used often enough for you to see them in towns like this all the time."

"Wow… That's neat," said Enne with a look of fascination.

"Does that mean you're interested in history?" I asked.

"Mhm. Leila's lectures are always really interesting."

"Why thank you," giggled the maid. "Then how about I teach you a bit more on the way? I'm sure we'll have plenty of time to talk."

"Yes please," said Enne. "I can't wait."

Though she normally seemed completely and utterly devoid of emotion, Enne was visibly excited by the prospect of having Leila continue to educate her. The sight brought a smile to my face. It was picturesque. Seeing kids smile sure does soothe the weary soul, huh? I wonder why that is?

The agent we were travelling with returned from speaking with reception right as I finished basking in the happy aura radiating off of the small child.

"I'm sorry for the delay. Everything is in order now. We're free to board," she said.

"Alright then, leggo. Up you go, Enne." The entrance to the so-called coach was a bit far off the ground, so I lifted Enne onto it.

"Thanks Master."

"No problem."

After getting the little one onboard, I took Leila's hand and helped her climb in as well.

"Thank you very much, My Lord."

"Don't sweat it."

Only after that did I finally board with Enne's real body in tow.

"Oh, hey!" I was greeted by a familiar face the moment I climbed into the cabin. "I'm pretty pawsitive I recognize you, you're the guy that was meowggling me! I remember you getting real furantic because both the kid and busty girl you were with got really mad at you!"

"Could you not put it like that?" I replied. "You're making me sound like some sort of deplorable degenerate."

As I entered, I realized that the cat-eared beastkin I had spotted last night was sitting right there beside us in the coach's cabin.

***

As our coach slowly lumbered along, we naturally began to speak to the other passengers in order to pass the time. Wait, it's not really a coach, so like… oh forget it. I don't care anymore. Coach or not, I'm calling it one anyway.

"Wow, Yuki, are you fur real? That's hissterical! Your wife really made you bring a maid with you just so you'd keep your tail in your pants? You've gotta be kitten me!"

The cat beastkin, Naiya, practically laughed her ass off as she learned of my circumstances. There wasn't much I could say. The only two responses I could offer were a dry laugh and a wry smile.

Them cat puns though. Oh, what am I thinking? Of course, a catgirl would use cat puns. Duh! As much as I wanted to believe that cat people and cat-based wordplay naturally went hand in hand, I knew it wasn't true. The cat puns stemmed from my Translation skill. In reality, cat beastkin just spoke with a heavy accent. My skill accounted for it and localized her speech by removing the distortions created by her dialect and replacing them with cat-based gags. Kek. Skill pls.

"So is she your daughter? And did mew have her with your wife?" Naiya grinned as she directed her gaze towards Enne, who was remaining vigilant of the beastkin girl while sitting on my lap.

"More or less, yeah."

I quite literally made Enne. And since she was partly made up of Lefi's fangs, one could say that we both played a role in her synthesis. Calling her our kid was well within reason.

"I'm your daughter, Master?"

"I think so, at least," I said. "Er, if you're okay with it, that i—"

"I'm okay with it." Enne cut me off in order to voice her agreement before I could even finish my sentence. "And I'm very happy."

"A-Alright. I-I guess that's that then."

I couldn't help but stutter, mostly because I was taken aback by the sheer extent of her enthusiasm. You know, now that I think about it, Enne doesn't really let it show that much, but she's practically bursting with emotion, isn't she? Not that I mind, of course. It's adorable.

"Wait a second, furrends. Does that mean mew two aren't actually related by blood?"

"There are some… extenuating circumstances," I said.

"…I'm sure there are," said Haloria. She glanced at the sword I had strapped to my back as she muttered under her breath. It still didn't seem like she was over the whole personification thing.

"Come on, Naiya! You really need to start respecting other people's privacy." Mille, the girl sitting next to Naiya, scolded her.

Mille looked the part of the archetypical mage. She had a robe, a pointy hat, and a large gnarled wooden staff. She belonged to a race of demons known as witches. Demons were, in general, gifted in terms of their magical abilities, but witches were even more so. Unlike most other demons, witches didn't have any visible distinctive characteristics. Mille more or less looked no different from the average human girl unless I made use of my Magic Eye. The only trait I could note was that she was so tiny and pitifully flat that not even her robe could hide her complete and utter lack of curves. Though, that might be more of a Mille thing than a witch thing.

"What is it?" The girl in the pointy hat questioned me as she noticed my gaze.

"N-Nothing, really," I said. "I was looking at your staff. It's huge."

"Oh, this? All witches are given staves like this when we reach adulthood," she said. "They really help when it comes to casting magic. Our spells still work even without them, but having one makes it much easier for us to keep everything under control."

"Huh… Neat."

So that's what staves do. I should probably try making one some time. My gut's telling me that I should be able to pull it off if I use Weapon Transmutation.

"Wait. Did you just say you're an adult?" I cocked an eyebrow.

"What are you trying to say!?" complained Mille. "I'm a full-grown adult! I'm even going to say it one more time just in case you didn't hear me clearly enough. I. Am. An. Adult."

She got really close and more or less shoved her face into mine, completely violating my personal space as she pressed her point.

"Alright, alright. I get it. You're an adult and you're all grown up." Only after I nodded did she finally back away. Seeing that I was once again in the green, I immediately muttered a certain thought under my breath quietly enough for her not to hear it. "How old do you need to be to be an adult anyway…?"

"Fifteen, My Lord," whispered Leila.

Oooohhhh. I see how it is. As far as I could tell, there were ultimately two possible reasons as to why she was acting the way she was. The first was that she was frustrated because people kept labelling her as a child, either by mistake or intentionally because they wanted to tease her. The alternative was that she had only just come of age. Whatever the case, the end result was the same. She desperately wanted everyone to know that she was an adult, hence the insistence. It's alright, Witchling. If it's option two, then you might still be fine. Being fifteen means you've still got plenty of time to grow. And if that's the case, then I'm sure you'll get to say goodbye to that pitifully flat chest of yours eventually.

Of course, while Mille looked like she was still just a teenager, I knew better than to assume that to be the truth. I happened to live with someone that looked like they were still in middle school despite being over a thousand years old, after all. Lefi might be a bit of a special case, but I'm pretty sure there are at least a few races out there that stop growing once they hit a certain age. If that's what's going on here, then all I really have to say is well… tough luck.

"Witches like her don't tend to get very big. Aren't they just adorable?" Another girl, one belonging to the Tentill Devil race, suddenly began hugging and fondling the tiny girl with the pointed hat.

"S-Stop that Rouinne! Come on! Stop it!"

Rouinne had two racial traits. The first was a pair of horns. They extended from the side of her head and pointed forwards. The second was a thin, devil-like tail growing from her rear. Unlike Mille, Rouinne carried an aura of seduction. She was so full of feminine appeal that it practically oozed off of her. One could even say that she was the very embodiment of the term MILF. And to make matters worse, she was dressed in a skimpy, provocative outfit that only served to emphasize her curves.

Most of the other male passengers practically had their eyes glued to her. Their slovenly expressions made their thoughts as clear as day. They only ever looked away when they felt the need to send me a jealous glare or two, as unlike the rest of them, I was actually talking to her. Rouinne please, can't you wear something a little less revealing? Having the guys stare daggers at me isn't exactly what I'd call comfortable.

Rouinne aside, the witchling was doomed. The fact that her race basically consisted entirely of little girls meant that she didn't have much more of a chance to grow; she had no choice but to live a life of eternal flatness. How tragic. Poor little thing.

"W-why are you looking at me like that!?" Sensing the pity in my gaze caused Mille to react with a start.

"Stay strong, Witchling, stay strong."

"Witchling!?" The tiny mage screeched her new nickname at the top of her lungs as Naiya and Rouinne both broke into hearty laughs.

The three women were companions. They were all adventurers and they had apparently been working together for a long time. In fact, their choice of career was the reason that the girls were here to begin with; they had been tasked with guarding the coach. Composition wise, their party had a vanguard, a rearguard, and a scout. These roles were fulfilled by Rouinne, Mille, and Naiya respectively.

It turned out that Rouinne's class was sword dancer. I didn't know too much about it, so I referred to the handy dandy maid-shaped encyclopedia I happened to have at hand. According to Leila, sword dancers danced around while casting spells that inflicted harmful status conditions before moving in for the kill with a pair of blades. They had the tendency to dress lightly in order to draw in their enemies' eyes as it was easier to cast spells that caused mental abnormalities if the spells' intended targets were staring right at them.

The tactic was extremely effective, especially when men were involved. Evidence of its success could be seen from how well it was working on the coach's other male passengers. I, however, was safe. Enne would move to block my line of sight each and every single time I so much as looked in the MILF's direction. It turned out that my sword happened to be enchanted with charm resistance. And much to my displeasure, it was working perfectly.

Allowing the adventurers responsible for guarding the coach to casually laze about inside of it may have seemed to defeat the purpose of employing them in the first place, but that wasn't the case at all. The coach actually had two parties worth of guards and they were working on rotation in order to ensure that both remained rested and up to the task. The other party was currently outside and the two were set to swap shortly. I guess only having one group just doesn't cut it for a trip this long. The passengers probably feel a lot better knowing that the people trying to keep them safe aren't totally worn out, huh?

The fact that the demon realm even had adventurers in the first place was something that had left me quite surprised. The guild in the demon realm was, of course, not affiliated with the guild in the human world given to the hostile nature of the political landscape. However, they were functionally identical. The jobs listed were apparently pretty much the same, and there would even occasionally be an exchange of human capital. Literally. Human adventurers particularly keen on seeking thrills would occasionally venture out from the human world and find themselves employed in the demon realm.

Fortunately for these individuals, the demon realm ran on a merit-based system. Race was irrelevant. No one was looked down upon so long as they were strong and capable of getting the job done. That said, there were only a few souls brave enough to try. I felt as if I could probably count the number of human adventurers I saw on one hand.

"Witchling? Witchling!?" complained Mille. "What do you mean witchling!? That's so rude! Please take that back right this instant!"

"Oh, right. My bad. You're a lady, a full-grown adult," I said. "Here, take some candy and cheer up, alright?"

"Wow! Can you believe this man!? How could anyone possibly be so rude!?"

Well, someone doesn't like candy. Oh well, that's too bad then. I guess I'll just give this to Enne instead.

"Oh man, that was purrfect!" cackled Naiya as she gave me a few slaps on the shoulder. "That catitude of yours, Yuki? It's hilarious! It's clawful too, but I cat stop laughing!"

Just like that, we continued to idly chat the hours away as the coach slowly rumbled along.

"Hmmm…" I directed my gaze outside the coach as my ears picked up on a series of shouts and stomps. The suspicious nature of the sounds drove me to stick my head out and take a peek at our surroundings.

"What's wrong, furrend?" asked Naiya.

"We're being attacked," I said. "Seems like it's bandits."

"Oh, okay." She didn't react at first, probably in part because I had said it in such a casual, matter-of-fact tone. But the moment the words finally clicked, the adventurer practically leapt out of her seat and did a perfect double-take. "Wait, bandits!? That's a cat-astrophe!"

A group composed of all sorts of different races was closing in on us. They were just about as varied as could possibly be, but the fact that they were all outlaws was obvious from a glance. The only other uniform point was that each bandit was riding a massive boar. By massive, I meant massive. The four-legged creatures were so large that they stood as tall as horses. The thick, obtuse fangs protruding from their jaws made them look as vicious as porkers possibly could.

It didn't take long for the guards situated outside the coach to realize what was happening. They kicked their horses into gear while shouting at the driver to do the same. A moment later, we began to accelerate. Rapidly.

Tensions ran high within the vehicle's carriage. People started to scream and panic as they were jostled about.

Even the two beside me, Leila and Naiya, made a bit of noise. Neither had been able to brace themselves for the sudden burst of speed, so they ended up with their bodies pressed against my own. Ahh… Paradise.

"Careful there," I said as I basked in the sensation.

"Master…" Enne stared at me reproachfully.

"O-oh come on! That wasn't even my fault! It was totally out of my control!"

"But you're grinning like you're really enjoying it."

"T-That's not my fault either! It's what any healthy man would do!"

"Why are you guys still so relaxed!? We're being attacked by bandits, you know!" Mille reacted to the casual conversation Enne and I were having with an expression that screamed, "What the fuck!?" at the top of its lungs.

"Well I mean, I don't really see much of a point in acting all terrified," I said. "Besides, this is totally helping people take their minds off the situation. Gotta break the tension somehow, right?"

"You're not fooling me, Master." Enne called my bluff before it even had a chance to really get off the runway.

"Sorry Ma'am. I understand. You were right and I was wrong," I said.

Fine, I admit it. Yes, I was trying to make up a bunch of random bullshit to hide the fact that I was totally basking in the sensation of having two girls all over me.

"I take it you have the means to get us out of this situation?" Haloria directed a question my way as she drew a series of throwing weapons out from her pockets and glared in the direction the bandits were coming from.

Oh shit, that's pretty badass. I had yet to see the secret agent in action, so I had no idea as to exactly what she could do, but seeing her equip her weapons was enough to impress me in and of itself. They served to emphasize the fact that she really was an intelligence operative after all.

"Well, yeah. Of course," I said. "I mean, I know it looks bad and all, but at the end of the day, they're kinda just bandits. I can take care of them pretty easily."

Our attackers were stronger than the human bandits I had run into on my way home from the capital, but not by much. Bandits were bandits. Try as they would, they would never amount to anything beyond trash. Admittedly, there was a good number of them. It looked like our guards would probably end up taking casualties if it came to a head-on clash. Yeaaaahhh, letting them get hurt and maybe even die probably isn't the best thing for my conscience, so I guess I might as well do them a favour and wipe the bastards out. Sorry, Agent McHoodface. I know it was finally about to be your turn to shine and show everyone just how much of a badass you are, but I'mma steal the spotlight. You can have your turn next time.

"Should I change?" asked Enne. The word change, in Enne's case, meant changing bodies. She was basically suggesting that she cancel her skill in order to move her mind back into the blade that was her true form.

"Nah, it's fine. How about you stay here and keep Leila safe?"

I casually grabbed a dagger from my inventory and handed it to her as we spoke. As a sword herself, Enne was great with bladed weapons. In fact, she was far more skilled than me despite not having the Sword Mastery skill. Cutting down incoming arrows was a task she was sure to find as easy as pie.

For the record, I had tried to get her to teach me how to use a blade. The sword girl had told me that all I had to do was listen to the voice within the weapon I was using. It would then guide me and tell me what I needed to do. Unfortunately, her method turned out to be something that I simply could not pull off no matter how hard I tried. Sorry Enne. Daddy isn't enlightened enough to hear voices in everything just yet. I'm still a bit too far from Nirvana for that.

"Okay," said the sword. "I'll keep Leila safe."

"Thank you very much, Enne," giggled the maid.

Enne tightened her grip on the dagger I gave her, positioned it in the center of her body, and moved from my lap to Leila's. It seemed that her newfound position was based on practicality. She only sat back into Leila's arms because she felt that it was where she needed to be to keep the other girl as safe as possible. Practicality aside, seeing the two of them in what was basically a warm embrace was a wonderful sight for sore eyes.

I felt the urge to smile, but fought it back as I grabbed onto the side of the coach and got to my feet.

"Curiosity kills cats, Yuki!" said Naiya. "It's clawfully dangerous up here, you really need to stay down!"

She did her utmost to continue fulfilling her duty by placing herself between me the incoming bandits, but I tapped her on the shoulder to tell her it was unnecessary and moved my way past her. Alright, time to send these assholes to hell and get back to enjoying my road trip.

The first thing I did upon reaching the coach's rear exit was grab an incoming arrow out of the air. I casually chucked it away before raising an arm in the direction of our assailants. And as I did, I cast a spell.

My magic warped the road; the dirt twisted about as it rose and took shape; the path our wagon had just passed over became a literal giant dragon.

There was a roar. The first thing the earth-based puppet did as it spawned was to raise its voice and imitate the cry of the creature whose form it borrowed. With the assertion of its presence completed, the dragon turned its eyes on its soon-to-be victims.

The bandits weren't in the best of shape. The sudden change in the terrain knocked their mounts off balance and left them in a state of disarray. There wasn't even a chance for the vanguard to react. Every man was thrown off his boar and sent spiralling down into the crater created by the dragon's advent. The rearguard was subjected to a similar scenario. They too weren't able to stop or divert their mounts in time to avoid the pit. Or their allies. The oversized pigs crashed into their off-balance associates and once again flung the people on top of them all over the place. It was a mess. The bandits and boars had ended up in a massive dogpile.

That alone was enough to cull the herd. The number of red dots on my map shrank as the bandits were crushed underfoot by their own companions.

"Consume."

Obeying my orders, the dragon opened its mouth wide, bore its fangs, and swallowed the entire bandit crew whole. The move was awfully telegraphed; they knew it was coming. Many of those that could still move tried their utmost to crawl to safety. But it was already too late. The dragon gulped the boars and bandits down before crushing their bodies with its throat. And then, once every last one of my foes wound up in its gullet, it returned to the earth and vanished. Those unfortunate enough to have survived the stone giant's bite were buried alive and left to suffocate.

I had only attacked once, but every last bandit was gone. The entire troop had been annihilated.

"Heh." I smirked. "So, whaddya say, Leila? Pretty fancy new spell, huh?"

"It was magnificent, My Lord. It appears even more powerful than the others you have shown me," said the maid.

"Mhm," agreed Enne. "That's my Master for you."

The spell I had just cast was one I came up with during my disagreement with the oversized lizard Lefi had watched me murder. Its original purpose was to keep larger foes in check. But as was just demonstrated, it could also be used to put smaller targets six feet under. You know, I almost kinda feel bad for these bandits. Getting buried alive must suck. It's a bit more than just a bit inhumane. But you know what? It's their own fault. Like, have you seen their titles? They were all murderers. And many were far worse than just that. People like them don't deserve to be pitied. Hell, the only thing they deserve is to be put down.

As could be inferred from its scale, the spell ate a lot of mana, but as far as I was concerned, its fuel efficiency wasn't all that important. I had enough MP to cast it several dozen times back to back. This is great. I feel like a friggin' one-man artillery battery. Hell, I could probably fire off enough stuff to turn a battlefield into a literal bullet hell if I really wanted to.

Now, you might be wondering something like, "Hey Yuki, why's it have to look like a dragon?" Well kid, the answer's simple. It's cause it looks cooler that way. Why else?

Now that the bandits were gone, I was free to return to my seat, so I did exactly that and plopped myself right back down only to realize that everyone, and I mean everyone was looking my way. Leila and Enne aside, every single passenger was staring at me with a look of dumbfounded disbelief.

Mwaha…. Mwahaha… Mwahahahahahahahaha! You see this, plebs? This is what we call a demon lord's might.

Alright, now listen up kiddos, 'cause I'mma learn you a real one. You know how, in novels and stuff, main characters like to make dumb excuses and pretend they're not as strong as they really are because they don't want to stand out or kick up a fuss or whatever? And you know how they always go ahead and fucking do it anyway?

Yeah, that's called being fucking retarded.

Idiots like them need to grow a pair.

The whole point of being a man is to do your goddamn best to make yourself look like a total badass. You want to stand out. You want to show off. You don't want to be another fucking dumb beta.

The point of being a dude is to not have a fucking pussy. Be proud. Seek thrills and adventure. Don't be the emo kid that sits in a corner sucking dick.

You wanna get laid? Then stop fucking wasting your time fantasizing. Don't let your dreams be dreams. Just do it. Get up, get out there, and just fucking do it. Be a real man, and you'll get as many bitches as you want. Hell, even guys'll swarm to you.

You hear that, newfags? If you wanna be a high IQ chad like me, then you gotta act the part.

"My Lord, we understand that you're incredibly powerful and that you enjoy basking in your glory, but might I suggest not allowing your emotions to show so easily…? They are currently written all over your face," said Leila.

Right away, ma'am. I'm terribly sorry. I swear it won't happen again.

***

Editor's note (Joker): Hey, guys! Joker here. I know, I know, it's been forever, but I have a good reason. Final Fantasy XIV: Shadowbringers released a couple weeks ago and I've been playing through that. Got the main story done, and my character geared up with the best current gear, so I'm doing pretty well. Patch 5.01 should be releasing the 15th-16th of July, which should release the current set of 8 player raids, Eden, so I'm looking forward to that. It was such an amazing game, I was in so much awe of the skill that the developers had. Definitely a must play for any JRPG fan, even if you're not an MMO fan. Many headpats to me and Nirvash, for some godforsaken reason… and thanks to CaTastrophy427, Anime Dragon, John Watson, Mischa, and kx for your questions. And if you have a question for me, leave it below with the hashtag #AskJoker and I'll reply. See y'all in the next chapter! (Maybe)

Editor's note (Joker): Hey, guys! Joker here. And thank you, Yuki, for addressing the main problem I have with some isekai novels: the beta as fuck protags. I like the ones where the protag just comes out and says "I'm strong as shit, so don't fuck with me, and I won't fuck with you". And if the kingdom has a problem with that and sends an army after you, well, they can't send an army after you if the army's dead. *insert guy pointing at his own head with a smile meme here* Buck up, gird your loins, and stop being such a pansy. Ok, thanks Tonatsi and HeadpatFacepat for your questions, even if you added headpats to them. See y'all in the next chapter!