Iris 4

"To you, my beloved viewer, I have a question. Have you ever had a crush?"

It took me a long while before I was able to recompose myself after shelling out buckets of tears nung irecord ko ang video ni Dad. Ewan ko ba, ganun yata talaga, going back to bad memories would really make you cry. Maaalala mo ang sama ng loob na dinanas mo pati na ang mga masasamang pangyayari. In my next life, if I will be reincarnated, sana maging isang tao ako na matatag at kayang lampasan yung mga hirap na pagdaraanan niya. I am hoping that the future me will be stronger, braver, and tougher than I am. I am hoping that my future me would be a better version of me because honestly, I don't think my life can get any shittier than it already has. I'm at the lowest of the low.

"Not that you forgot but I am Iris Kyle Figueras, you can call me Iris but you wouldn't have the chance to call me yours since by the time you are watching, I might have been confined in a steel casket five feet below the ground. No, hindi ako bampira if that's what you are thinking. I might have been dead by this time, I might have been successful in committing my self-destruction." I have a thing in introducing myself over and over again kaya hayaan niyo na ako. After all, iilang beses ko na lang namang magagawang magpakilala ng sarili bago ang mga mangyayari. "Pero let's go back to my question na. Have you ever had a crush? I'm sure, no matter how young you are, naranasan mong magkaroon ng crush Unless you're a robot or something."

I have consulted the celebrated reference source, Merriam Webster, for her definition of the word crush. Sabi ni mareng Merriam, crush daw is an intense but passing infatuation to someone. Matinding pag-hanga na lumilipas sa tagalog. And it's a good thing that it passes. Dahil hindi lahat ng taong hahangaan mo ay makakabuti sa'yo. Hindi lahat ng taong makakagaanan mo ng loob ay maganda ang hangarin. And that's basically what the next video will tackle.

"Syempre, hindi ako pahuhuli sa inyo. I once had a crush as well. I was once a breathing gay guy, you know. Nagkaroon din ako ng time lumandi. So ito na nga, I bet you want to know who the lucky guy is. Well, he has compelling looks that made girls and girls at heart have a second look and he sports a smile that will surely make your insides in a haywire. But not only that, he also knows how to break your heart in the harshest way possible." I took a long and deep breath as I gaze into the camera before properly starting on my second reason. "This video is dedicated to you, Aaron Pascual."

"If you happen to be just around my age and studies at the same school as I am in, you would surely know who Aaron Pascual is. No, he's not a basketball star like you are thinking. He's actually not into sports, I remember him saying he doesn't need sports to be fit. What he became famous for is his looks, his charm, and his attitude. He's a ruffian. Yep, I liked a bad boy. On my defense, I met him when he wasn't that severe of a bully. Madalas nangunguha lang siya ng mga pagkain o kaya namamatid ng mga dumadaan but that's all that he did back then. Or so I thought."

Aaron Pascual is that someone that people at my school wanted to be in companions with. Kapag sinasamahan mo si Aaron Pascual, instant cool kid ka na agad. People at my school valued "coolness" first before honor and excellence. Weird 'no? If he's to be compared to a Korean Drama, he's close to being like Gu Jun Pyo of Boys Over Flowers minus the wealth though. He doesn't hold any seat in the student council yet he influences people better than those who were.

"I met Aaron Pascual when I was a freshman and he was a junior, in case you are wondering. Contrary to what my current status in the school, I was inexistent nung first year. I was all books and no fun. I was aloof to almost everyone, especially men dahil kay Dad. I was a dead kid, I was a nerd. At dahil sa pagiging nerd ko kaya ko nakilala ang isang Aaron Pascual."

Again, dahil sa pagiging aloof ko sa mga tao, I was always alone. Lagi ako noong nasa library, typical place for nerds, ayoko kasing maki-halubilo sa mga tao. And then one day, while I was scanning through the shelves full of books under the General Science category, I met Aaron Pascual in the most noncontemporary way. I saw him being given a head by some girl. First meeting and I already saw his jewels. Ain't it cool? Normal reaction would be them scrambling to fix themselves but they didn't, or atleast Aaron didn't. Habang yung babae ay nagmamadaling mag-ayos para umalis, Aaron just sat in the very seat that he currently is in his full glory. Hindi man lang niya itinaas yung underwear niyang naka-sayad sa sahig para takpan yung kayamanan niya. He looked proud, no sign of modesty in his face as he smirked at me. I stuttered as I voiced out my excuse to get away from him, naaalala kong sobra akong naiintimidate sa kanya at sa hitsura niya. I have never met a man with such a level of confidence, it was overwhelming.

The next day, I avoided the area of General Science category na para bang may makukuha akong incurable disease. Ayokong ma-encounter ko nanaman siya. But Fate really wanted me to suffer, nasa pre-colonial category na ako which is so far from general science when I saw him once again on the same position as I saw him yesterday. A woman, different from yesterday, is pleasuring him with her mouth. Argh. What's with the library now becoming a place for quick encounters? Like yesterday, the girl quickly made her way out of the scene after fixing herself. At gaya din kahapon, Aaron Pascual just sat at his seat not bothering to hide his flesh. Aalis rin sana ako gaya ng ginawa ko kahapon but he stopped me. He asked me to hand him his underwear which is basically just within his reach. I was once again in awe of his persona, how can a man be this proud? How can he be so smug?

"I don't want to bore you with the details so I'll cut through the chase, I became friends with The Aaron Pascual. He was my very first friend in high school. Imagine, an invisible gay guy like me became friends with someone as celebrated as him. Ever since people heard I'm hanging out with him, people started getting my attention. People started caring about me. People started noticing me."

Aaron as a friend is different from the image he's holding. Or that's what he made me believe. After those incidents sa library, kung saan saan na sumusulpot si Aaron. Ilang beses niyang tinangkang makipag-kaibigan at ayaw ko yun nung una. He's too out of my league, he'd overwhelm me. But he was persistent, and dun siguro nag-simulang mapansin ako ng mga tao, why would Aaron Pascual tail a nerd? And so, to appreciate his persistence and tenacity, I agreed to be friends with him. I remember him shouting his cheers to the entire cafeteria na akala mo sinagot ng nililigawan. That made me and the entire cafeteria laugh. I saw how jubilant he is and so I threw away all the doubts that I have for him. Naisip ko noon na wala naman sigurong isang tao ang aarte na ganuon kasaya para lang pag-tripan ako or something. He was a sex junkie not an actor. I'd like to believe that he wouldn't do anything to harm me.

One day, while we were hanging out by the old Science building, I asked him kung bakit magkaiba ang nakakausap kong Aaron sa nakikita ko lang noon sa school. Dalawang sides kasi ng Aaron Pascual ang nakikita ko and they're polar opposites; one is nice while the other seemed ruthless. I asked him the essence of the image he's maintaining. He shrugged, sabi niya ganoon na daw sya nakilala ng mga tao ever since kaya he didn't bother changing their impression of him na. Siya na daw yung nag-adjust base sa judgment ng mga tao sa kanya. Sabi niya pa, he doesn't really care what others think. Ano naman daw ang mapapala niya kung pakikinggan niya ang mga sinasabi ng mga tao? They only know his name but they don't know his story and what he went through. At that moment, I have really admired how carefree he is. I have been drawn by his character and I was slowly being stucked.

Hindi lilipas ang isang araw na hindi kami nagkikita or nag-uusap and he never failed to amaze me every damn time. I am seeing him so often that I am now looking forward to wake up each day and go to school not to study but so that I could talk to him. Little by little, with all the conversations that we have shared, I've gotten to know him and I can't deny the fact that I have been harboring admiration for this guy. On my defense, who wouldn't like him though? Behind the tough cookie facade that he wears, he was outgoing, fun, opinionated and he was actually sweet. He was thoughtful and caring. He had all the perfect things to admire for.

"With all that I have went through with him, I have learned to admire him. I have liked Aaron Pascual secretly. Secretly because I didn't have the heart to voice out my admiration to him, which actually turned out a good thing by the way. I was scared of how he'll react so I contented myself with settling to whatever we currently have. But somewhere in the deepest corners of my mind, I wanted to tell him that I like him but I didn't want to risk all that I had with him. Paano pala kung we don't share the same feelings? Paano pala if he just thinks of me as a friend? I can't die out of embarrassment. I can't lose the only friend I have just because I am stupid enough to like him romantically. And you know, not telling him that I like him was one of the very few instances that Life didn't let me down. Because if I told him I like him, he would have won the fucking bet he made with his friends." The recording device has captured me smiling bittersweetly as I reminisce what I have went through with the guy.

I can clearly recall the events that led me to finding out that I was being played on by the man I have considered to be my first friend. It was on a breezy night in September, I was walking my way home from the shopping centre with a paper bag in hand when I took notice of a group of guys who seemed to be having fun at a drinking place. They were loud for pete's sake, abot hanggang sa kabilang kalsada kung nasaan ako yung ingay nila. Lalampasan ko lang sana sila kaya lang I heard a familiar voice amidst all the noise, I figured one of them is Aaron when I squinted my eyes. Hindi na ako nag-taka na umiinom siya when I saw him, he declared himself a baddie nga 'di ba? I assumed that one thing that a baddie does is to drink alcohol.

Tumawid ako ng kalsada para sana malapitan sila at mabati ang kaibigan ko. That turned out to be another bad decision I did. Dahil nung makalapit ako, bumabangka si Aaron sa usapan nila ng mga kasama niya and they were talking about me. I heard my name somewhere in the conversation so I assumed it's me they're talking about. Without them noticing, nakalapit ako sa kanila to get a better shot of hearing. What I heard next ruined me.

He was boasting how stupid I am, how easy he had me on his palms, how gullible I am. Since that incident at the library, ngayon ko na lamang ulit nakitang ngumiti ng ganyan si Aaron. He was sporting the same smirk I first saw him with, that proud smirk. He seemed jubilant over the fact that he played on someone. He continued on bragging how he didn't find me a challenge, na kaunti na lang at bibigay na ako sa kanya. Na dapat ihanda na ng mga kasama niya ang mga pinusta nila dahil paniguradong mamumulubi sila.

I was obviously taken aback with what I've been hearing. Where did the caring and gentle Aaron Pascual go? I was wondering if everything was all an act, if he was a great pretender. A normal person would I guess just storm out of the place and mope over it but I think I have already established that I am far from being normal. So instead of leaving, I mustered up my remaining strength and headed to their table with a heavy heart to confront him, he seemed surprised when he saw me pero napalitan yun agad ng makahulugang ngiti. I asked him if totoo yung mga narinig ko, he said yes without batting an eyelash. Natawa pa nga siya at ang mga kasama niya. Sabi niya, it took me long enough to know that he was just screwing my head. That he expected better from me daw considering that I'm a nerd. Akala niya, since matalino ako, I would have seen through his acts pero hindi, ang dali ko daw maloko, kaunting bola at mga matatamis na salita lang eh nabitag niya ako. He continued by saying that screwing me wasn't that hard, ni hindi nga daw siya masyadong nag-effort. I was an easy prey for a deceiving predator.

"I have heard things that night that I continue to wish that I could unhear. I have trusted a demon in the guise of an angel, I have fallen in the trap of the wolf in a sheep clothing." What they say is true, the mind will replay what the heart wants to forget. It made me wonder, at some point in their lives, naramdaman din kaya ng mga mapapasama sa mga video na ito ang mga naramdaman ko? Have they felt the same pain I have dealt? Kaya ba nila kinayang saktan ako ay dahil nasaktan na rin sila? "I have admired someone inexistent. I have grown fond to a person that just puts up an image. Nagkagusto ako sa isang artista, a con artist for that matter."

"You know what hurts me the most, Aaron Pascual? That you knew exactly what you were doing and that you haven't felt any remorse. You were looking damn straight in my eyes when you were saying how pathetic and pitiful I am. I didn't know that you can go that far just to inflict pain on someone who didn't do anything to you. You fucked with my feelings and emotions just so you can feed your ego. Sana lang talaga, walang gumawa sa'yo ng ginawa mo sa'kin, sana hindi mo maranasan yung mga ipinaranas mo sa'kin kasi hindi masaya sa pakiramdam. You made me feel like shit. A question though, why would you hurt someone who never did anything to hurt you? I would I guess understand if you will do what you did to someone who made you angry or someone who wronged you but for someone who was not doing anything? Why? Gusto kong malaman kung meron ba at kung anong satisfaction ang nakukuha mo sa pananakit ng tao, Aaron?"

"You became one of my reasons why I chose to claim my own life Aaron Pascual because instead of mitigating the avalanche that my father made like I thought you would, tinulungan mo pa siya. You added fuel to the growing fire." Like what I said earlier, not everyone that you would admire are good for you. May iba na darating sa buhay natin para gumawa ng hindi mabuti. And it is upto us if we will let them. Sadly, in my case, I let the devil in once again. "I want you to know Aaron Pascual that I will forever bring with me all the things you did. You made me doubt the sincerity of people. You destroyed my concept of trust. You fed me with lies. You deceived me. You forced me to believe that there really are bad people walking in this earth with us and is just waiting for the perfect time to wreak havoc. You made me realize that appearances can be deceiving. While my father took my youth, you took my brain and shredded it to pieces after conditioning it. You fortified another layer to the snowball that my dad made."