Episode 30

After my chaotic performance, I rolled off the stage, dripping with magical water and mentally exhausted. Nixie patted me on the lid and gave me a wink. , "You did great, Jake. Sure, it turned into a mess, but it was entertaining! That's what matters."

Ursha snorted. , "Entertaining or not, you nearly drowned half the audience."

"Well, at least some people liked it," I muttered, feeling a mixture of embarrassment and relief that it was over. , "Let's just watch the rest of the show and try to avoid any more disasters."

As we moved back to the audience area, the next contestant took the stage: a two-headed ogre named Grog and Grug, who claimed to be masters of interpretive dance. The crowd murmured with interest, and even the judges perked up.

"This could be interesting," Sharon said, clapping her hands excitedly. , "I love a good interpretive dance!"

"I don't," Sourmon muttered, crossing his arms. , "This better be worth my time."

The music began, an oddly delicate and classical tune for such a massive, hulking creature, and Grog and Grug immediately started their routine. Well, "routine" might be a generous word. Their dance was less interpretive art and more clumsy stumbling. Grog tried to twirl but accidentally knocked Grug over, and Grug retaliated by trying to do a split, which only resulted in the stage cracking beneath their weight.

"This is awful," Sourmon said flatly, rubbing his temples. , "Absolutely dreadful."

Sharon, however, seemed utterly charmed. , "Oh, look at them! They're trying so hard! It's so… raw and unpolished!"

Howler Manwell, who had clearly been traumatized by my water-spraying incident, sat far back in his seat, muttering to himself. , "Please don't let them fall off the stage. Please don't let them fall on me."

Despite the catastrophic dancing, Grog and Grug somehow made it through their performance. By the end, the stage was in shambles, with chunks of wood scattered everywhere, but the two-headed ogre duo bowed proudly as if they had just performed the greatest ballet in Lavatoria's history.

"It's a no from me," Sourmon said without hesitation.

Sharon, though, was beaming. , "I loved it! You brought such heart to the stage! Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!"

Howler nervously raised a hand. , "I don't think this is safe for anyone involved. It's a no."

The talent show rolled on, and with every new act, Lavatoria's talent, or lack thereof, was on full display. A wizard tried to impress the judges with a spell that would summon a rain of gold, but instead ended up summoning a rain of cheese. Sourmon was not pleased when a wheel of cheddar landed directly on his head.

Next up was a talking pig that recited poetry about existential dread. The poem was actually quite moving, but no one could focus on the words because the pig kept squealing at random intervals, completely throwing off the emotional tone.

"This town is weird," I muttered to Nixie as we watched from the audience.

"Oh, come on, Jake. You live here. You're part of the weirdness," she teased, elbowing me.

Ursha grunted. , "At least we're not on stage anymore."

I was just starting to relax when the next contestant was announced, and suddenly, everything took a turn.

The crowd hushed as the stage lights dimmed, and a mysterious, shadowy figure appeared onstage. She was dressed in an elaborate, flowing gown with intricate designs woven into the fabric, her face partially hidden by a delicate mask. A hush fell over the audience as the figure's voice echoed through the square.

"I am Lady Zuula," she said, her voice smooth and sultry, sending a shiver through the crowd. , "And I have come to show you true power… true talent."

My heart sank. Lady Zuula was one of Lavatoria's most notorious magical beings, a seductive sorceress who was infamous for her ability to manipulate magic, charm her way into any situation, and use her talents to get whatever she wanted. And from the way she was looking directly at me, I had a sinking feeling that she had a particular interest in magical toilets.

"Oh no," I whispered to Nixie. , "This can't be good."

As Zuula glided across the stage, she began to cast a series of spells, each one more dazzling than the last. With a flick of her wrist, she summoned a storm of glowing butterflies that fluttered around the audience. With another, she caused the entire stage to levitate, rising several feet into the air as the crowd gasped in awe.

"That's impressive," Ursha admitted, though her eyes narrowed. , "But I don't trust her."

Zuula's magic was undeniably captivating, but what worried me more was the way she kept glancing at me. It was like she knew something about me, something I wasn't ready to deal with.

"For my grand finale," Zuula said, her eyes locking onto mine, , "I will summon the most powerful magic in all of Lavatoria… a magic so potent, it can only be contained in the most unusual of vessels."

The crowd murmured in anticipation, and I could feel my porcelain body tensing. I didn't like where this was going.

"Come forward, Jake the Sentient Toilet," Zuula called, her voice dripping with charm. , "Let me harness your infinite magical power for my final act."

"Nope. Nope. Nope!" I panicked, trying to roll away, but Nixie pushed me forward, a mischievous grin on her face.

, "Come on, Jake. You're already here. Might as well see what she's planning."

"I hate you," I muttered as I reluctantly rolled onto the stage.

I rolled onto the stage, my porcelain frame practically vibrating with anxiety as Lady Zuula smiled down at me. Her eyes gleamed with the kind of dangerous excitement that only a sorceress like her could possess, and I could feel the weight of the entire audience's gaze on me.

"Jake," Zuula purred, her voice smooth like honey. , "You possess a unique power, an infinite magical energy that few can comprehend. Together, we can create a performance that Lavatoria will never forget."

I wanted to bolt, but there was nowhere to go. The crowd had gone eerily silent, captivated by Zuula's presence and the potential of whatever magical chaos was about to unfold. Nixie and Ursha watched from the sidelines, looking both concerned and mildly entertained.

"I don't think this is a good idea," I muttered, hoping to make some sort of escape.

But Zuula wasn't having any of it. With a graceful wave of her hand, she summoned an intricate magic circle beneath me, locking me in place with glowing runes. I felt my porcelain frame light up as the circle activated, drawing out the magical energy I'd accumulated from all the previous ridiculous events in Lavatoria.

"Oh no," I muttered as I felt the familiar tingling sensation in my appendage, the one that could only mean one thing: my magical flush powers were about to go haywire.

Zuula raised her hands, casting a grand, theatrical spell. "Witness the power of magic combined! Let the infinite energy flow!"

Suddenly, I felt a surge of power like never before. A jet of magical water shot out of me, spiraling into the air in a brilliant display of glittering blue. Zuula directed the water with graceful movements, weaving it into shapes that sparkled and danced across the stage. The audience gasped as the water twisted into a massive dragon, its translucent wings shimmering as it soared overhead.

For a moment, I was impressed. Zuula really knew how to work a crowd.

But then, as always, things took a turn for the worse.

Zuula, drunk on the energy she was channeling, pushed the magic too far. The water dragon, once a graceful spectacle, suddenly roared to life, its massive jaws snapping as it broke free from Zuula's control. The dragon turned on her, its glowing eyes narrowing as it lunged toward her in a torrent of magical water.

"This isn't supposed to happen!" Zuula shrieked, her confidence evaporating as she tried (and failed) to regain control.

The crowd screamed as the dragon rampaged across the stage, knocking over props and causing general mayhem. Sourmon Scowl stood up, his face twisted in disgust. , "Well, this is a disaster. Someone should have stopped this before it got out of hand."

Sharon Oarsborne, however, was loving every second of it. , "Brilliant! I've never seen such excitement in a talent show before!"

Howler Manwell was hiding under the judges' table, his nerves shot. , "I knew this was a bad idea! I'm going to catch some kind of magical disease from all this water!"

Meanwhile, I was still stuck in the magic circle, unable to move as the dragon continued to wreak havoc. I could feel my water magic building up again, ready to unleash another wave of chaos if I didn't do something quickly.

"Nixie! Ursha! Help!" I yelled, hoping they could do something to stop the dragon.

Nixie sprang into action, her fingers already crackling with magical energy. , "Hang on, Jake! I've got this!"

She fired off a bolt of magic at the water dragon, hitting it square in the chest. The dragon roared, disintegrating into a cascade of water that splashed across the stage, soaking everything and everyone in its path, including Zuula, who was now drenched and fuming.

"You ruined my performance!" she spat, glaring at me.

"I didn't ruin anything!" I retorted. , "You're the one who lost control!"

Zuula opened her mouth to retort, but before she could say anything, Ursha stomped onto the stage, axe in hand. , "That's enough. This talent show is over. Get off the stage before I throw you off."

Zuula, clearly not wanting to tangle with Ursha, gave one last haughty sniff before storming off the stage, her drenched gown trailing behind her.

With Zuula gone and the stage in shambles, the judges slowly regained their composure. Sourmon Scowl, still dripping wet, sat down with a heavy sigh and shook his head.

"That was… awful," he said flatly. , "Complete chaos. None of you have any talent, and frankly, I'm amazed this show hasn't been shut down."

Sharon, on the other hand, was practically glowing with excitement. , "What a show! The magic! The drama! It was all so unexpected! I loved every second of it!"

Howler Manwell peeked out from under the table, still trembling. , "That dragon almost killed us all. I… I need a break."

The crowd, still buzzing with excitement from the spectacle, began to cheer. Despite the disaster, it seemed like Lavatoria had thoroughly enjoyed the chaos, and some people were already chanting my name.

"Jake! Jake! Jake!"

I rolled off the stage, utterly exhausted but strangely proud of myself. Sure, everything had gone wrong, but somehow, I had survived the performance, and I had even gained a few fans.

Nixie grinned and gave me a thumbs-up. , "You did it, Jake! You survived Lavatoria's Got Talent!"

Ursha snorted. , "Barely. But hey, at least you didn't get eaten by a magical dragon."

"Yeah, that's a win in my book," I muttered, feeling relieved to be off the stage.

As the crowd dispersed and the judges continued to bicker, I couldn't help but wonder what ridiculous adventure Lavatoria would throw at me next. But for now, at least, I could take comfort in the fact that I had made it through the town's weirdest talent show, mostly intact.