134 Forgive me

"You know why I went on a binger, Lance." I say sullenly.

"Come on, man. Talk to me. You promised you'd never do that again. When I walked into that hotel room, I was a little pissed off to say the least. You could've given yourself alcohol poisoning with how much you drank. I thought Aman was going to tell us to get you to a hospital." Lance crosses his arms and gives me a scowl.

"Your brother would have kicked the shit out of you if he knew you did something like that because of him. What do you think he would have done in this circumstance?" Lance inquires.

Damn. Lance is pissed. He never brings my brother up like this. But he's right.

I cover my eyes with my arm, sighing, "He would have been there for me. He would still kick the shit out of me, but he would have understood too what I was feeling, Lance."

I sit up and drink some more water, before I start defending my actions, "I didn't know they were fakes. I was on cloud fucking nine with my life when that asshole dropped off those pictures! When I saw a couple of them, I was in denial at first, asking myself, How are these here? My Sarina would never do something like this to me! But it seemed like proof was right in front of me! I felt betrayed. alone, disappointed! Damn it! In the hotel room, I finally understood the pain my brother must have felt by those damn fuckers! Making sure he was head over heels in love with them and then they totally destroyed him as a person!"

I pause trying to let my anger deflate a moment but it doesn't, "That's how I was feeling! I was in pain, okay! I wasn't exactly thinking clearly! Am I not allowed to be weak sometimes! My brother was my best friend and he chose to end himself being in that kind of pain! I got it! I see why now he would do that! IT HURT, It hurt so bad, all I was asking for was it not to be true, or to be numb, cause I didn't want to feel like that! So yes, I went on a binger again because I couldn't think clearly through the pain! I haven't drank like that since my brother! Yeah I promised not to drink like that again, and in the past eighteen years since then, that is the only promise I've ever broken!" I sit there panting while Lance sits there just listening.

"So now you know they're fakes. What's the problem?" Lance crosses his arms in front of him.

I scoff at him, "I'm sorry" I say sarcastically, "I can't flip my emotions like a light switch. I wish I could but I'm not a fucking robot, you ass."

Lance lifts his hand like he was a robot and flips me off, before crossing his arms again. I don't want to laugh, but the short burst of a one still has a grin spread across my face for a few moments.

We sit in silence with that until finally Lance speaks up, "Do you want me to show you how the pictures are fakes?"

I sigh, leaning my head back against the headboard, "Yes. Please. I also need to eat something. I haven't eaten anything the past few days."

Lance stands up, "Don't worry, man. I've got you."

"Hey Lance, you know you're an asshole right?" I say giving him side eye.

He just chuckles, "Yeah, but you fucking love it." As he walks out.

I blink the tear away that falls from my cheek, because he's right. I do love him, even though he's an asshole sometimes.

He brings me food first, which I'm grateful for. I eat everything he brings and drink another bottle of water before I attempt to get up and into the bathroom. I take a shower and brush my teeth twice, trying to get the taste of dirty socks out of my mouth.

Once dressed, I walk carefully out to the living room, seeing that it's around six in the morning.

"Did you sleep at all last night?" I ask Lance as I sit on the couch by him. In front of us on the table are all the pictures, but I try not to look at them yet.

Lance shakes his head, "Nope. I will once I know everything is alright. Sarina is sleeping with Lirael right now anyways."

I lean back, "Wow, okay. Lirael probably loves that." I smirk thinking of the way I've caught her staring at Sarina's chest a few times and the hunger that lights up in her eyes each time.

Lance scoffs at me, "Yeah, probably not as much as you think. Sarina has been ... emotional during all this. Even though we've been trying to remind her to relax."

"I... I'm really embarrassed about all this, but I had planned on coming back to confront her. I just needed to get over the initial shock of it all first." I run my hand through my hair, feeling awkward and exposed.

Damn. I hate this feeling. It makes me vulnerable and I need to focus on something else.

"Okay so show me, Lance."

Lance starts showing me first all the pictures where her face is the same expression, which is a large majority. Then the ones where it looks like it would be John and Sarina but I have to agree. The outfits that Sarina is in, I've never seen on her and she wouldn't wear. Then he tells me about the dates and I finally just push the pictures away.

"Alright they're all fake. I believe you guys, can we please just cover them or put them away now?" I ask, not wanting to look at them anymore even though I know they're fake, they still rock me to my core to actually see what Sarina would look like in the arms of another man like that.

Lance nods, picking up the pictures and puts them away. "We already let the office know you were taking some time off. So you don't need to worry about all that."

"Uh.. Lance. I don't even know what today is?"

He shakes his head, "It's Tuesday now. She found you on Sunday."

That's when the door to the spare room opens and Lirael steps out with Richard in her arms, carrying a trash bag with stinky diapers in it. She tosses the bag into the larger trash can and pours herself a cup of coffee.

She comes over and sits next to Lance and takes a sip of her coffee. She then scans the living room, focuses on me and spits the coffee back into her cup as her eyes go wide. The movement makes Richard start to fuss and Lirael has to set her coffee down as she starts to cough into her arm.

"You okay babe?" Lance asks, taking Richard from her.

"Cough... Yes... Cough. Brian, I wasn't expecting you up is all. Sarina is still sleeping in the room. Do you want us to leave? Or stay a little longer? You two really need to talk. You have a lot to talk about." Lirael's face is serious as she looks down at Richard and then back to me. "Plus we need to get home, Richard is running out of diapers and clothes."

I nod, "You guys can go. It'll be better if it's just me and her for this next part. Thank you guys though, for being there for her and me." I say humbled that I have such amazing friends.

Lance stands up, "No problem, man, we're family after all." He sticks his arm out for me to grab, which he pulls me up into a fierce hug and whispers, "Next time something fucks you up like this, you come to me dude. Okay?" He releases me as I nod in response.

Within a few minutes they are gone and I'm sitting here on the couch, still drinking water but sipping on a cup of coffee as well. Trying to think of what I should say and what I want to say to Sarina when she wakes up. It's almost noon before I walk over and look inside the room. She's facing away from the door, silently weeping, her shoulders shaking.

I walk over to her and climb into the bed with her pulling her into my arms and hold her tight. Her silent tears turn audible with her sniffles as she turns in my arms and buries her face in my chest. I let tears flow as I hold her tighter, thanking whoever is listening for hearing my prayer and it's not true. My beautiful Sarina would not do that to me.

"I'm sorry for doubting you." I whisper into her hair. "I'll never make the same mistake again." I take a shaky breath and add, "And I'm sorry for disappearing on you like that. I was a coward. I just don't think I could have handled it if it had been true. I was flip flopping between denial and acceptance drunk, and I still could not handle it. I mean it when I say you are the other part of me. I would be an empty shell with out you."

She pushes back from me and looks up into my eyes, her bottom lip out in an angry pout. "Can you forgive me, Sarina?" I ask her.

Sarina's bottom lip quivers as she pulls it back in to bite on it. "I forgave you already. Are you going to forgive yourself though?"

"Forgive yes, forget no. Cause I don't ever want to repeat this. I hate this feeling that we have a deep chasm between us, even with you in my arms."

Sarina runs a hand through my hair, pulling my face closer to hers. "Kiss me."