39. Chapter 39

Chapter 39

The carriage topped the final hill into Meryton. Lizzy hugged herself tightly as the familiar buildings came into view. There is Uncle Philips's office. In the back of her mind she could hear the clatter of hooves on cobble stone, Wickham's voice, Lydia's scream. A wave of dizziness. Pain seared along the side of her head as it met the ground. A shudder chased down her spine, and her face burned. She looked away. Will I ever be able to walk through town again?

She picked up her bonnet and tied the ribbons firmly under her chin. I was able to stay at Netherfield and not be haunted by Horace's ghost, so this will pass as well. It will. It must.

The structures of Meryton trailed behind them and faded into memory. The house at Longbourn rose on the horizon. Her family was gathered on the porch to greet her, all except Lydia, of course. Lizzy had no doubt that she still kept to her rooms. I would be like her to milk her injuries for maximum attention. When had she become so cynical?

They greeted her warmly. The affection and chatter slowly drove away the remaining chill in her heart, and amidst their embraces, she was ushered inside to draw a deep breath of home.

Dinner was already on the table, and Lydia awaited them there. Elizabeth blushed, her uncharitable thoughts toward her sister sour in her belly. Conversations that had already been started buzzed around her. She fought to catch bits from all the topics, but finally surrendered the effort, feeling somehow out of practice. How long had it been since she had been surrounded by such warmth and security? Surely it must be at least a lifetime. Her weariness assured her of that. The tempting scents of simple roast mutton and potatoes teased her, stirring up the agreeable feelings she had feared might be gone forever. She turned to her plate with relish.

"So you miss all the fine cooking that your fancy hosts have offered you?" Mr. Bennet cocked his one remaining eyebrow as he set his fork and knife down with a soft clink.

"Mrs. Collins's cook at the parsonage was tolerable enough and you know how accomplished Aunt Gardiner's cook is.." Lizzy dabbed a napkin at the corners of her mouth. "But, to be entirely honest—"

"Which we all know you to be to a fault." A smile lifted his lips.

Lizzy rolled her eyes. Finally she was home! A knot in her belly released so abruptly she nearly sobbed. "To be honest, the meals at Rosings Park were quite another story."

"That is to say they quite belonged in a gothic novel perhaps, as one more horror for our brave heroine to bear." His playful smirk drove back her tears.

"To be certain, Papa." She tucked the napkin under the edge of her plate. "The calves' foot jelly…" She shuddered, working her tongue over the roof of her mouth to drive out the phantom taste lingering there.

"Oh the horrors of the stuff! We well know it is true, for Hill has banished it from our table for years now. Definitely the substance of nightmares, that." He chuckled, hands folded over his belly.

"She is right though, Papa." Jane grinned. "It is ghastly." She raised her eyebrows at Lizzy.

Kitty sat up a little straighter and tapped her fingers on the table. "Tell us of the inhabitants of Rosings Park. Do you still call Charlotte a partridge?"

"She is of such a gentle disposition I cannot think of her as anything but." Lizzy stared off at the walls, scenes of Kent playing in her mind. She wrinkled her mouth and sighed. "As for the rest, with the partridge there was an adder, the old hen and the roe deer, the wasp and the dormouse."

Kitty giggled and clapped softly. Usually Elizabeth loved to tell Kitty stories, she was such an appreciative listener, but enthusiasm was difficult to find tonight.

"Dormouse, Lizzy?" Mr. Bennet turned toward her, stroking his chin. "I am quite aware of the others, but who is the dormouse?"

Lizzy bit her lip to still the mischievous smile that tugged her lips. "The dormouse, of course. He and his family lived in the wall between the parlor and drawing room. In the rare moments of quiet you could clearly hear them scurrying about, and occasionally he would even peek out and twitch his whiskers at me."

Jane gasped and covered her mouth with her hand. Her brows rose higher than Elizabeth thought they could, eyes twinkling beneath.

"To think of a great lady like her entertaining with mice in the walls." Lydia giggled. "I suppose then that will become fashionable soon—"

Elizabeth whipped her head around to stare at Lydia. From the corner of her eye, she saw her father cocked his head in her direction.

"Yes, yes!" Kitty clapped her hands gleefully. "Soon we will be seeing articles in 'Ladies Magazine' on the correct way to keep dormice in your walls."

"And the correct number of them to have," Mary added, her eyes shining.

"For it would truly be a faux pas to have too many or too few of them." Mr. Bennet pulled back his shoulders and puffed his chest and ducked his chin in a striking impression of Mr. Collins.

Lizzy held her breath, shaking, but could not contain her mirth. With her laugher bubbling forth, the dam broke, and they all laughed until they cried.

"I am glad you are come home, dear." Mr. Bennet reached across the table with an open hand.

She took it, twining her fingers in his. Her eyes misted as she stared at their hands, and she knew everything would be right again, somehow.

"Oh, Lizzy! We have not heard Lyddie laugh since—well since everything happened in Meryton. I am so glad you were here to help her find her humor again." Jane carefully plaited Lizzy's hair.

"I am not certain I would go so far as to say that. One good joke does not a full recovery make." Lizzy tried to look over her shoulder, nearly pulling the braid out of Jane's hands.

"Oh, I know, but we have all been hoping for just such a sign! It is as though we can find hope once again." Jane tied a ribbon to the bottom of the thick braid. "We missed you."

"I missed all of you, too, very much. It is good to be home." She leaned back and looked at the ceiling. "So have all the wedding details been arranged?" Lizzy turned and propped elbows on knees, chin on fists.

"Aunt Philips—"

"How is it Papa allowed her to have anything to do with your wedding? When I left, he had all but forbidden her contact—"

Jane dropped down on the bed and hugged her knees to her chest. "It is shocking, I know. I do not actually know the details, but she and Uncle Philips came over one evening, and the three of them talked long into the night. I expect she convinced Papa that she understood the error of her ways and truly repented for everything. In return he gave her permission to plan the wedding." Tears pooled in her eyes. She swiped her hand across them. "You cannot know how pleased I am that they have made peace over my wedding."

"That is a very good thing indeed. I am so happy for you." Lizzy wanted to say more, but the words tangled into a painful mass in her throat.

"Everything has been settled for two weeks from today. The only thing that remains to be determined is what you shall wear. I fear there may not be time enough to have a new gown made for you."

"I believe that I have taken care of that already." Lizzy jumped up and flung open her closet. "Miss Darcy insisted on having this made for me when her gown was made. I think it quite lovely." She held up the silvery-blue gown.

"Oh, it is truly stunning! It suits you so well. But if you wear so fine a gown to stand up with me, what will your wedding dress have to look like?" Jane pulled the skirt open to admire the embroidery.

Lizzy's face fell. She turned back to the closet, hiding her face as she put the gown away, and struggled for composure. She breathed deeply and hung the dress, taking particular care to straighten the fabric and smooth the lay of the skirt before she turned back to Jane. "You have not yet told me who is to stand up with Charles."

Lizzy still wondered if Jane could see the distress she struggled to hide.

"Would you believe I do not know? I believe he has written an old school chum of his, but he has not heard back. If he does not hear from his friend soon, then I suppose Mr. Hurst will be his choice."

"Quite a tolerable choice, I am sure, despite the fact Papa says he is a terrible chess player." Lizzy forced a laughed and sat beside Jane. "But perhaps his friend might still appear and be himself in want of a wife. Mayhaps you shall be rid of me yet."

"How can you say such a thing?" Genuine anger flashed in Jane's eyes, but did not linger. "What of Mr. Darcy?"

"It is not to be." Her throat closed over the words as if to keep them from being spoken. She rose and wandered to the fireplace, leaning against the mantle. "I think I knew from the first—even you disapproved, as I recall." She cocked her head and raised her brows.

"Lizzy, please do not remind me of what I said then! I was most harsh and—oh, I do not want to think of how I treated you that night. Please, tell me again that you forgive me."

"I do, Jane." She coaxed in a deep breath, then another, easing the knot that had taken residence in her belly. "Let us drop the matter of Mr. Darcy entirely. I am not the sort of woman to be a high society wife. I am sure there is a sturdy tradesman of sorts who is not so highborn as to be intolerant of a useful sort of girl like me."

Jane joined her by the fire place and tried to look into her face, but Lizzy turned away. "You do not sound like yourself at all. What is wrong?"

"Nothing." Lizzy shuffled to the window afraid if Jane touched her she would lose composure entirely. "I realized I must think of my future. I have learned from watching Charlotte and Miss de Bourgh and Miss Darcy. I have learned from their situations and choices. I should not spend the rest of my life at Longbourn. Since Papa does not need me—"

"Must you always be needed, Lizzy? Is that all you aspire to?" Jane took her by the shoulders. "I understand it is pleasant to be needed. But what of the possibility that you might need, or even want, something or someone else? Can you not open yourself to that possibility?"

Not this point again! Would she never stop hearing it? Lizzy closed her eyes for a moment. "I am sorry, Jane, but I feel suddenly unwell. These last few weeks have been so eventful. I think I need to sleep."

"Of course, I have been a selfish creature, keeping you up on my account." With a final hug, Jane left.

Lizzy pulled the blanket from the foot of the bed and wrapped it around her shoulders. Trundling so as not to trip on the blanket, she retreated to the window seat and curled up within. A nearly full moon lit the landscape, shimmering. A cold chill trailed down her spine. What does one do when they want what they do not deserve?

The next morning, Lizzy could not face Jane's inquiring looks. She gathered her pelisse and gloves to pay a call upon Lucas Lodge. Lady Lucas greeted her at the door and led her to the parlor.

"Charlotte will be down shortly. She is very tired of late." Lady Lucas said, sitting across from Lizzy, near the fire.

Lizzy nodded. "I gather than, she is otherwise well?"

"So far it seems so. We spoke with the midwife just yesterday and she is satisfied. But I fear the baby may be born with a terrible temper after being exposed to such a display."

"I am sure Charlotte's gentleness of spirit will be more than sufficient to overcome whatever other influence there might be." Lizzy looked away from Lady Lucas's piercing gaze.

"I cannot thank you enough for everything you did to bring Charlotte back to us. Had you not been there, I cannot imagine what harm could have befallen her."

Lizzy cringed. The last thing she wanted to think about was her adder-cousin and his poisonous bite. No, that was not true. The last thing she wanted to talk about was Darcy. Perhaps she could discuss Collins for a little while.

"I cannot imagine what that horrid man might have done to her." Lady Lucas dabbed at her eyes with her handkerchief.

Someone cleared his voice in the doorway and Lizzy jumped. "I do not care what the law says." Sir William bustled into the room. "It is a very small man who can only manage his anger by striking his wife. Very low class if you ask me. Unbecoming of a gentleman. He could learn a lot from your father; 'tis a shame that he never had the good sense to recognize a good mentor when he had the opportunity."

"Indeed, sir," Lizzy stared at her hands. "Charlotte's last letter to me intimated that—"

"That I planned to return to Kent after Jane's wedding," Charlotte said from the doorway.

Lizzy lifted her head to look at her. "Yes, that."

Sir William grumbled under his breath, "I do not believe we have reached an agreement about that."

"I beg to disagree with you sir." Charlotte strode in far more boldly than the partridge ever had before. "I am only here to visit until I see Jane married."

Lady Lucas sent Lizzy a pleading look. "Perhaps we should leave you two to your conversation." She nodded at her husband and they left.

"You do not approve of my choice." Charlotte sat down across from Lizzy. A small swelling in her abdomen was briefly apparent as she smoothed her dress over her otherwise thin frame.

Lizzy could not meet Charlotte's eyes. "I do not understand it."

"After what he did, you wonder how can I consider putting myself back into his power?"

"Something like that, yes." Lizzy nodded, noting the faint bruises still along Charlotte's cheekbone.

Charlotte picked up the china shepherdess from the table beside her and ran her thumb along the crook. "You have no doubt heard of his unfortunate accident?"

"Yes, and Miss de Bourgh sent word to me asking that I return to assist her in this time of distress."

The shepherdess landed on the table with a soft thunk. "Will you do so?"

"No. I cannot. After all that has transpired, I have neither the strength nor the inclination to put myself in line for such abuse."

"As well you should not. Good for you, Lizzy. It is time you saw that." Charlotte leaned forward, every inch a lecturing governess.

Lizzy was on her feet before she realized it. "Pardon me?"

"When I invited you, I had not realized how Lady Catherine was planning on using you so cruelly."

"Her intentions were not cruel."

Charlotte scowled. "She cared nothing for your comfort; any kindness she gave, you wrestled from her most unwillingly I am sure."

"She intended to will her library to me in return," Lizzy answered weakly.

"And if she failed to carry out her promise, you would be left with no recourse or remedy. I am surprised at you. You are generally so shrewd as not to be drawn into such an agreement."

Lizzy did not like the look governess Charlotte was giving her. Where had her friend, the partridge, gone? "You believe she would purposefully have cheated me?"

"I know her to have been forgetful of those things she deemed below herself. Given that she is now dead, I am certain that there was no time for her to change her will. Whatever promise she may have given you is likely to remain unfulfilled. You owe her nothing. So do not repine for not going back."

"I am glad to have your approval, Charlotte, but that hardly answers my question. Why you are going back?" Lizzy crossed her arms and returned Charlotte's glower with a school mistress's glare of her own.

"Remember what I told you in Kent? None of that has changed. I like being mistress of my own home—very much, as a matter of fact. It is a hard thing to be suddenly deprived of that. I want my own home again. Mr. Collins is no longer in a way to harm me. Oh, he can spew his vitriol if he chooses, but I have only to leave the room, and he can hardly follow. He can no longer perform as a husband, so that duty is over. I am quite safe from him." Charlotte's expression softened.

"That is enough for you?"

"Yes, but there is more. I care for the people of Rosings. Many of the parishioners there have been most kind to me, and I miss them greatly. It is home to me now. Miss de Bourgh has little hope of being a good mistress to them. Having watched your family through all these years, I believe I may be able to help, to make a difference in their lives." Some of the confidence left Charlotte's posture.

"So you will teach Miss de Bourgh?"

"If she is open to that. We already have a friendship of sorts, so in light of all her losses, I believe she might receive me."

"You are very good, Charlotte." Lizzy swallowed painfully. "I am sure you will have Rosings well in hand."

"That remains to be seen, I suppose, though I am certainly not placing myself in the goodness of Miss de Bourgh's hands. I believe she feels guilty over my husband's accident and fears that talk of her being responsible for it might get out."

"You would not—"

"No, certainly not. But she fears that I would and that fear will keep her behavior in check." The corner of Charlotte's lips lifted briefly.

"I suppose that is only fitting, is it not." Lizzy chuckled. "I shall miss you, Charlotte, and you must promise to write me very often. I want to hear of all that happens."

Their conversation continued for another half hour, but Lizzy heard little of it. Though she had not actually intended to return to Rosings, hearing Charlotte's plans reminded her of much she wanted to ignore. The walk home felt much longer and colder than she knew it to be. Weary to her bones, she returned to her rooms for the remainder of the day.