THOUGHTS

*Present time. Chris' point of view. *

I had very little sleep last night.

By the time we finished our dinner my mind was thinking about many different things at the same time.

There was definitely the thing with Mr Knightly but at a certain point, I decided to push that to the back of my mind and simply wait, in the morning we will have our answers. Or so I hope.

Then there was the house. I haven't even stopped to think about that before. I always thought I never wanted anything from mum but her love – that I already had – and the family I always wanted.

But when Audra said that about the house at dinner I realised I didn't want to lose this place either. I felt kind of selfish actually, I always believed this house should be only Audra's by right and - even though she seems sure we would both inherit it I feel like I don't really deserve it.

I smiled and rolled my eyes at myself. Mum would probably be angry at me for saying that, she always loved me and treated me as a son.

I didn't want to move out so quickly either, it felt so right to be back home after all these years.

When I moved back here I thought I would stay for a while, so I quit my job and found a new one at a Studio in town, just a 20 min drive away. I thought I would spend more time with Diane before she passed, I never wanted to believe she would be gone so quickly.

It took me some time to actually settle here, I had to finish a few projects on my old Studio while I got settled in this one and the house, so for a few months, it was a lot of coming and going.

I regret so much not coming back earlier so I could have been more time with her…

And once I was here everything was so special…

In these past years, no place has ever made me feel like this one, though I only realised that when I came back.

Home. That's what this place is for me. The only home I've ever had.

I was beginning to think of staying here for a while longer and even though mom left the thought is still on my mind… But now I don't know what Audra would think of this. There's still so much left unsaid between us.

Would she be okay with me living here and taking care of the house? I guess we could come to an agreement so I would leave the house free for her for some months…

Ha. If only we had solved this before.

I am constantly afraid of the day we talk about our past. This is like this giant bomb waiting to explode - and we both know it. That's probably why we've been avoiding it.

It's strange actually that we are getting along so well now. But I blame that on mum's passing, of course with her loss we can't bear to dwell on that right now too.

Being with her now felt just like before… But I was always uneasy that this won't last.

I woke up really early, and barely caught a few hours of sleep.

So, I decided to go for a run for distraction and to kill some time - only to find myself going through all these things again.

My run was extra-long, but when I came home it was still early, barely 8 A.M, so I made breakfast and ate outside reading.

The appointment was at 11. The time was moving so slow and nothing seemed to distract me enough, if only Audra was awake we could discuss these things…

By 10:05 I was starting to wonder why Audra wasn't up yet. I couldn't hear any sound coming from upstairs.

Weird.

I waited a bit and then decided to go check on her, maybe she overslept. We can't be late and we still have to drive there.

I knocked at her door two or three times and called her name but nothing.

I laughed to myself realising age hasn't diminished her heavy sleep. She used to – and apparently, still does - sleep like a log, nothing seems able to wake her up sometimes.

Except for one thing.

I decided to enter the room ignoring the thought in the back of my mind telling me this was wrong, I really should not invade her privacy like this, but I know from experience that she's probably not gonna wake up otherwise and we need to go.

She used to need her alarm to be quite loud and preferably in vibration mode under her pillow or something or she wouldn't wake up on time. Luckily, she was an early riser – most of the time – because she definitely couldn't rely on alarms.

As I was remembering all of this I stood there for a minute, watching her. She was turned in the other direction, with the covers up to her waist. I walked around the bed to kneel beside her, but as soon as I saw her I had to stop in my tracks.

I blushed and had to turn halfway around as I realised that she wasn't wearing a bra under her tank top and her position left her quite exposed.

I knew this was a bad idea. What the hell am I even doing?

And why do women sleep with such tiny tank tops?

I took a deep breath closed my eyes and pinched my nose. When I turned back around I tried to ignore the fact that I could practically see one of her breasts and instead focused my gaze on her face.

This didn't help either. My mind quickly got filled with memories of her as I admired her beauty. I used to be mesmerised at how beautiful she was without any makeup on and her messy sleepy hair and I was surprised to see this hasn't changed.

I have never met anyone as beautiful as her.

Really? What am I doing? She has a boyfriend now for God's sake!

I need to stop these thoughts.

I always thought that what I still loved was the memory of her. Not her for real, as she would have changed after all this time. But this past few days I've been wondering… I've been debating with myself whether I am still in love with her for real or if it's this memory of us – of her – that I love.

Ever since she's back I can't help but question myself and wonder if it's even possible to still be in love with her after all this time - with a person I barely know now. But I still feel the same way I used to around her.

No, no, no. I need to let this go and stop this madness. The least I need now is to hurt her again.

I finally kneeled in front of her, she had her arm extended over her pillow, just perfect for me to wake her up.

I started to run my finger very softly from his wrist up and down, slowly. You see, she's incredibly ticklish and this was always the best way to wake her up in a soft way.

Why don't I simply shake her? Well only a vigorous shake would do the trick, with a soft shake she would not notice it and that would mean she'd probably wake up scared and slap me. Not the best idea.

I used to plant soft kisses on her too as another alternative, but I don't think that would be appropriate now, wouldn't it?

She slowly opened her very sleepy hazel eyes and looked at me with a bit of surprise.

"Chris?" She asked, as to make sure she wasn't sleeping still.

"Morning, giggles" I answered softly. "I'm really sorry to intrude, but you were deep asleep and we have a date with the lawyer. I needed to wake you up as it's already a bit late."

"It's alright, Chris… Oh gosh, my alarm must have gone off. What time is it?" She pulled herself halfway up with one arm, leaning on it, leaving her face now quite close to mine.

From here I could help but keep thinking about how beautiful her sleepy face was. I honestly don't know how she does it - her messy wavy hair, her soft expression with a slight blush on her cheeks made her incredibly appealing. And let's not talk about her beautiful, full lips now standing so close to me.

This is killing me.

Our gazes were connected for a few seconds, quite intensely, but I needed to stop it.

As of cue to keep me on my tracks, one of the thin straps from her top fell from her shoulders oh-so-casually, making me follow it and pay attention to the smooth skin of her now – even more - exposed shoulder and neck.

I had to stop the urge to run my fingers through her soft skin, forcing myself to turn my gaze back up to her eyes and answer her question.

"Probably 10:20 or so by now" I checked my clock to make sure, relieved to see that she was still a bit sleepy and barely seemed to realise how distracted I was by her. "10:22 actually. I've made breakfast, if you hurry you might be able to grab something quickly before we leave."

"Oh, shit. I'll get ready really fast. I'm so sorry I overslept." She starts to get up and quickly moves through the room to find some clothes. "I don't know if I would have time to eat something, what have you made?"

"Pancakes."

"Damn it, I love pancakes."

"I know." I paused, smiling and observing her - still a bit clumsy from waking up so quickly - going through her clothes "Look, I'll go downstairs and get you a plate ready with your favourite chocolate syrup and berries meanwhile you get ready. What do you think?"

"Oh God yes, thank you!"

"And I'm guessing some coffee?"

"Yes, please. Ah, I love you" She said so casually. I gulped. It's only an expression, get a grip.

I turned away, a blush creeping again on my cheeks while I started to walk away. "You're welcome, I'll get right on it"

As I walked down the stairs a stupid smile appeared on my face. The realisation finally hit me after this small experience.

I am truly in love with her.

But what am I to do with this…?

Nothing. There's nothing I can do.

I respect her above all, she has a boyfriend and I'm gonna let her have the happiness she deserves. I'll keep it to myself and I'm not gonna try anything nor say anything about it.

The smile soon disappeared. I sight in resignation, serving the coffee.

I'm never going to be truly happy, but at least she will.