Chapter 31: "My power. My pleasure. My pain."

The fractals and tears in the universe that had emerged before, when Severus had just been thinking of altering the past, had made him feel odd and unsettling. Now, it was like the whole world was a foreign place and he was a pollutant. Severus felt that he was a new organ in a body after a transplant, and he was being rejected by the immune system. His eyes were shaking in his head and the world seemed to warp and fluctuate uncomfortably around him. So subtle, but so frightening. A rip in time opened up underneath him.

Severus fell into the call of the nothingness with a gasp. He reached out and grabbed on to anything he could as he felt himself falling. But the falling and the nothingness was so comforting. Like a mother's embrace. Like silence after a hectic day of lessons. It felt right and natural and good to let himself fall into the void. To let time erase him and right itself. To let the universe heal by taking him out of it. It felt like a death. A good, quiet death. But as his hand closed around a vine of thorns, the pain that dug into his palm roused him from the soporific lull of the blackness. The pain reminded him that he was here, alive, and wanted to continue very much in that state, thank you very much.

He tightened his hold on the thorns, wincing in pain as blood started to curl down his wrist. His legs and body dangled into the void, hanging into the nothingness, but with the strength in his arms he began to pull himself up. He groaned and huffed as he pulled himself out of the blackness all the while fighting against the draw of the nothingness. He raged in his mind, screaming back at the calmness of non-existence. He pulled and heaved until he could hook one leg into more thorns. He relished the pain, he gripped the thorns tighter. His other leg followed and soon he was free of the hole. Severus panted, wriggling far enough away from the rip in time until he felt its influence leave him. His hands were a bloody mess, full of thorns, and he stared at his palms in horror. The pain that had kept him from the deathless death was now excruciating.

He rose to his feet, and his knees stung too. He waded through the thorns carefully. Another series of time splits opened up in the ground around him, almost trying to trick him into stepping into one. He heard another howl in the forest and he sighed. He suspected he knew who had made such a clumsy attempt at distraction and diversion, having seen their careless blunders before by Hagrid's hut.

Potter and Granger. Why would you bloody well call the werewolf over to you? You'll get yourselves killed.

He broke into a jog as he ran down the hill and into the Forbidden Forest. Remus's footprints were easy to follow in the bright moonlight and led him straight to the newest hair-raising moment of the night.

He heard the frightened cries of Hermione in a nearby clearing and his private predictions came horribly true. The werewolf was stalking its new prey, circling and toying with the two children, drooling fat drops of saliva onto the ground in anticipation of its fleshy feast. Severus gasped as the tree he was leaning against melted into a void and he stepped back in alarm. Severus raised his wand, ready to do what he needed to keep the children safe and pointed it at Remus. He didn't want to have to kill Remus, but he was endangering the life of Hermione and Harry. In another world, in another life, perhaps him and Remus could have been friends one day. Or perhaps he could have hated him less...

Circe will be distraught...

But in his moment of hesitation, he heard the flurry of wings and the deafening screech of Buckbeak. The creature reared up on its hind legs, bucking and kicking at the werewolf, protecting the children at the end of its hooves. Severus watched the creature in awe, and the werewolf reluctantly relinquished his prey and retreated off into the dark trees.

Severus sighed, resting momentarily against the trunk of the nearby tree. He listened as Harry and Hermione took Buckbeak and lead him away off on their own mission. He thought of what to do now. What could he do now Circe had been saved? What was there left for him? The spare Severus? Another fractal appeared behind him, and he almost considered stepping backwards into it. Perhaps this was what 'terrible things' happened to the wizards that messed with time. Perhaps to get what they wanted they had to pay the greatest price to achieve it. His hands still ached in pain, he was tired. Not just tired, weary. To his very bones. If he could step into the void and cease to feel, take everything that hurt him away and just...stop. That would be rest enough. A growl in the darkness made his blood run cold.

He turned slowly around and saw the werewolf there again. He looked into his yellow eyes and saw the hatred welded into his gaze. His heartbeat pounded in his ears. Walking into a non-existence was one thing, being eviscerated at the end of Remus's talons was another. The werewolf snapped his massive jaws together and his guttural bark was dripping in unadulterated loathing for Snape.

I hate you too, you ugly fucking monstrosity. He thought, returning the wolf's gaze with an equally cold stare of contempt.

And he turned on his feet and ran…

The trees flew past him as he sprinted away from the creature. He could hear the werewolf in hot pursuit at his back. Toying with him. Relishing the chase. He had his scent now and he wouldn't let him go without taking a chunk out of him first. There was a moment of quiet and Severus hoped that he had outrun the monster. He descended into a small dip in the forest, looking around frantically. He could see nothing in the low-hanging mist and impenetrable dark as his ragged breaths seemed deafening in the silence. He ran past a thick oak tree and felt a deep gash dig into his side.

The monster leered at him, having successfully lured him into a trap, but Snape ducked out of its way just in time. He scrabbled around in the fallen leaves, clutching at his side as he felt the warm, slick sensation of blood. Through the trees, he saw the facade of the Shrieking Shack once more. A last lighthouse of hope. He picked himself up and ran harder as the werewolf snapped at his heels.

He burst through the door of the dilapidated house, and looked around for anywhere that might shield him. Everything was either falling apart or outright missing. There was little of use anywhere. Severus desperately went from room to room as he heard the approach of Remus drawing closer to his scent. He touched a hand to a handle and flinched as he saw the slick redness of his own blood left behind on its surface. The bedrooms upstairs had nothing useful from his memory, so he decided to look around the ground floor. He staggered into what used to be the kitchen and peered into the gloom. There was a small cupboard under the sink.

No… surely there must be somewhere else…

Remus howled as his nails scratched against the Shack's rotting wood floors. Severus gathered all of his remaining courage and delved down into the small cupboard, cramming the tiny door behind him, holding it shut with all his remaining strength. He sat there, his legs pressed against his chest, in complete darkness, a single slither of light cut down his face. The claustrophobia hit him instantly and he thought of getting out of the cupboard and taking his chances elsewhere in the house. But the appearance of the werewolf through the small crack in the door, put a stop to that idea. He could not calm his panicked breathing enough, his sweat hung heavy on his brow, and the monster caught his scent again in an instant. It lunged at the door and Severus shouted as it pounded against the wood. Snape pressed against the very back of the cupboard, and it felt like the space was shrinking in size. Becoming smaller and smaller with each crash of claws against wood.

The werewolf roared in frustration and Severus smelt his putrid breath through the door. Yet he did not let up his iron hard grip on the door handle, even when it backed away and paced frustratedly from room to room in the house. Severus could see right down the Shack's corridor from his position under the sink, all the way to the front door. He watched for a while as the werewolf padded from room to room, casting Severus a glance down at him each time it passed through the corridor. He shifted about and groaned in pain as the wound in his side oozed more dark red blood. He touched a hand to the floor and he felt the same sticky ichor under his fingers. He felt woozy. He knew he was losing his life's blood fast. It seemed that the only choice he had left now was to slowly bleed to death or be torn limb from limb by Remus. And then another tear in time appeared at the end of the corridor.

He saw it shifting and pulsating through the crack in the door and he considered. It would be better to simply let time right itself and claim him back. The alternative was being eviscerated or slowly waiting to lose consciousness in the place of his childhood trauma.

Find your spine, young man. Die on your feet. On your own terms.

He inched open the door and paused, waiting to see if the werewolf recognised his movement. When no charge at him came again, he silently crawled out of the cupboard and straightened his back. He winced as the wound at his side twinged but he dared not make a noise. He stared down the corridor at the fracture in time, staring his end head-on. If this was it, then at least it felt peaceful. It felt natural. And when he was gone, time would right itself. He closed his eyes, thinking of Lily, thinking of Circe and everything in between. He broke into a run. He sensed the werewolf swipe at him again as he sprinted past one of the rooms, but it sailed past him without finding purchase. And Snape ran on, straight into the arms of the void.

It swallowed him whole and he felt his entire being dissolve like a sugar lump in tea. There wasn't pain anymore, or terror, or happiness, or relief. There was nothing. And Severus leant into death like the arms of a lover.

------

And then he woke up in his chair.

He startled awake, gasping and panting for air, as if he had been resurrected in a frankensteinean jolt of lightning. Dragged back from the grave with a sensation that felt akin to being dragged back over a cheese grater. He clutched at his side and the oozing wound was not there. He clutched at his chest and the timeturner was gone. And as he took several deep and calming breaths he realised he was in his rooms in the castle.

Eileen Prince smiled out of her frame at him as if nothing was amiss. He stood up and scratched at his head, thinking through the last night: it was sore, from Potter's disarming spell, then he'd woken in the Shack to find Circe with the children and they had all narrowly avoided being attacked, then they had retreated back up to the castle carrying her in his arms to save her broken ankle from any more discomfort.

Circe… his head spun. He could remember holding her close to him in his arms. Her comforting smell potent and grounding, affirming to him that she was back from the dead, safe in his embrace after days of a waking-nightmare. He recalled the tickle of her curled hair as it fell about his chest. He remembered collapsing into his armchair, emotional and exhausted, at the end of the night. No, there's more. He pushed and pushed, the more he tried the stranger it felt, until it came back in a thunderbolt crack.

She was bitten, I kissed her, I SAVED her…

He gasped quietly to himself. Severus leaned heavily on the post of his bed, as he cycled through the fresh set of memories.. And began to laugh. Slow and quiet at first, and then loud and triumphant. He laughed until his stomach ached. Until he was breathless and gasping for air. But his recollection of the night suddenly reached its climax and his breathless laughs suddenly felt close and claustrophobic. He remembered the cupboard under the sink. He remembered the werewolf staring him down from along the Shrieking Shack's corridor.

I… I died.

The memory of his last moments in the Shrieking Shack made him fall silent. He recalled stepping into the void and after that, as if he'd simply fallen asleep, there was nothing.

My god, it was painless and beautiful. Like falling asleep…

He rushed from his room and strode up to the ground floor levels of the castle. If he remembered his ordeal then what did that mean for everyone else involved? The first place he sought out was the Hospital Wing. Pushing open the huge doors he walked in on Potter and Granger, laughing as ecstatically as he had earlier. He avoided their glances and made his way over to the staff ward. Her bed was empty.

A relief as soothing as aloe wrapped itself around his chest.

Thank God…

Severus wiped his eyes and turned around, striding back towards Granger with a light now lit in his gloomy heart.

"Granger, Professor Smith. What-" he paused for a moment, as he'd been about to ask What happened to her. He reconsidered, thinking this question was a tad strange. "-where is she now?"

"Uhh, well the last time I saw her she was where you left her, Professor."

"Which was?" He asked impatiently.

Granger looked at him oddly, thinking that Snape was asking a trick question or trying to catch her out in some way. "In Professor Lupin's classroom. She said she wanted to be there when he came back…."

He nodded curtly at the girl and he left, leaving her feeling rather strange. Clearly Granger didn't remember anything of the first attack. Which was good news for Severus, but the clincher would be if Circe remembered any of it. If she did, then he'd want the ground to open up and swallow him. But as he walked up towards Remus's classroom, he wondered to himself…

Would that be so bad?

For so long he'd been a singular man, all alone and at sea. Circe had become something like his lighthouse, leading him back to the shore. Shining her light into the gloom. But he found himself getting hot and sweaty. He'd kissed her only because he'd assumed that there would be no consequences. It was the kiss of a ghost. A kiss from the grave. Despite everything that had happened, he still hoped for nothing more.

As he approached the classroom he heard something light and lilting on the air. It reminded him of a medieval madrigal. Something that Flemish princesses would dance to in neat little circles with their ladies in waiting. He cautiously poked his head around the door and saw Circe sitting at Remus's desk with her head in her hands. Her back was faced towards him and her head was bent over their CD player. Severus was loathed to disturb her. Despite the obvious negativity in her body language, his heart soared as he saw her safe, well and secure. Because of him. The tune became something powerful and driving, the strong male voice floating over the top in a glorious dance from high to low. He inched closer to her and he could sense her misery.

"He's not come back yet." she suddenly said aloud, without turning to look at him. "Do you think he's alright, Severus?"

"This won't be the first difficult transformation that Remus has lived through." he replied levelly. Circe was obviously fretting desperately over Lupin. The night's events would be incredibly taxing on Remus and for the first time, Severus was not jealous of the concern Circe held for him, he was touched by her care for him. He waited for what seemed an age for her to face him. When she moved suddenly, placing something heavy and metallic on the desk, he flinched.

"This is it. The reason why I disappeared for four days." she said, still looking into her lap, head in hands. As if she was embarrassed to look him in the eye. It was the timeturner.

Of course it would be back with her. She never needed to give it to me…

He tried to sound surprised as he replied to Circe. "Is that… what I think it is?"

"Yep. Stole it from Granger last week."

"Curiosity got the better of you, did it?"

"You could say that. Could also say it was just a colossal bitch move because I wanted to say I had played with time."

"So you toyed with it a little too much and went spinning off four days into the future." Severus said matter-of-factly. Circe finally looked up to face him, her face lined with a deep frown. Severus could see she'd been crying.

"You don't sound that shocked." she said with a raised brow.

"I… well. It's the only thing that makes sense, isn't it. Why are you upset?" he asked evasively, sitting down on the desk to face her.

"I've caused so much pain, Severus. To Minerva, to Remus… to you." she gazed into his sullen face with red eyes. He looked back at her, utterly arrested by how graceful she was in her sadness. "I'm so sorry. Minerva practically fainted when she came to see me. And the look on your face when I found you in the Shrieking Shack… I can't even begin to imagine how I'd feel if I discovered you'd gone missing out of the blue, with a suspected killer on the loose, no trace of where you'd disappeared to."

She grabbed his hand and began gently stroking the back of it with her thumb… in the same way he had done with her when she'd lay in the hospital bed. He felt his panic rising within him and he stared long and hard at her, waiting for any moment of revelation that betrayed what she remembered.

"How is your ankle?" he asked cautiously.

"Aching. It's definitely broken."

"Go and see Pomfrey, you martyr." he teased. She didn't laugh.

"Later… When I know Remus is alright. And S-" she stopped. Sirius too, she'd been about to say. "And say how sorry I am to the Staff who helped look for me." she finished quickly.

"It needs to be seen to sooner rather than later, Circe." Severus mithered.

"Poppy will mend it in the blink of an eye. Others might not get off so lucky."

You weren't so lucky the first time around… Severus thought. But he paused for a moment, wondering if Circe was toying with him and she did still retain her memories from her attack after all…

"Yes, well… After last night we must count ourselves rather fortunate that no one was injured any more severely than a few broken bones and scuffles."

Severus held his breath, waiting for her next reaction. She looked straight through him, her eyes clouding over with something vacant and far-away.

"No… I suppose so. But-"

"But what?" he asked as he began clenching and unclenching his hands. He was sweating again.

"I don't know. When I think back on the night, it feels like a splinter in my head. It hurts to think about. Especially when Remus changed. It's like… my head can't keep track of the memories."

Circe scrunched up her face and massaged her temples. She sighed heavily and poked at the timeturner on the desk again.

She doesn't remember… Severus thought, not quite sure if the feeling he felt within was relief or disappointment.

"Anyway, I'm more concerned about the future. What's going to happen to Remus. Me as well, after all this kerfuffle." Circe continued.

"Remus will have to be dismissed. If word of his condition ever gets out to the students then there'll be a lynch mob at the castle's gates before you can say…"

"Brigadoon?"

Severus's eyes popped. "What?"

"Nothing. It's just something… weird that still doesn't make sense from last night."

Circe looked at Severus long and hard, hoping he could set her confused mind to right. If it hadn't been her who had thrown the stone in Hagrid's hut, or saved her from the barrage of the Whomping Willow, then who was it? Her head ached again as she lingered over those thoughts, trying to play them back in her mind. She sighed and let them slip away for now.

"And I must say, Severus, you're very calm considering that you saw me speaking to a man who, to your knowledge, is a mass murderer! When I walked in on him and you during that little stand-off in the Shack, I thought you were about to tear each other's heads off. I thought I was definitely in for another lecture, at least..."

"I know about Pettigrew." he said simply.

"What? How?" she asked, aghast.

"I ...Well, I overheard Potter talking with the frizzy-haired girl and the ginger this morning."

"God, I wish I had your composure. If I'd just found out that the man who betrayed James and…" she hesitated, but a moment of bare-faced courage left over from her long night resurfaced.

She felt brave enough to say her name, and say it to Severus no less. She wasn't her enemy or her greatest fear anymore.

"... James and Lily… wasn't Sirius, then I'd be in a bit of an emotional state to say the least."

Severus didn't reply. Feeling the gloom in his heart return somewhat as he remembered Pettigrew had slipped away under his nose. Circe watched his expression change and she felt that perhaps she'd been a bit too blasè with her last comment, perhaps he was keeping his emotions buried for her sake. She tried moving the conversation along.

"Do you think they'll allow me and Black to share a cell in Azkaban?" She said off-handedly with a deflated smirk.

"What are you talking about?"

"They keep timeturners under lock and key at the Ministry. I took one without being registered with the authorities. It could have been used for any number of awful things."

"Ah." Severus said simply.

"I came here to have a last listen to some of the music the MMAP have been playing. One last happy memory before I'm carted off to prison under the thrall of the Dementors for the rest of my life…"

Severus thought carefully for a moment and smiled. Circe caught his expression and frowned, confused by the seemingly inappropriate expression.

"But Circe, you told me when I found you…" Severus said to her slowly, in mock elucidation. "That you found the timeturner washed up on the shores of the lake after you walked back up from Hogsmeade. Wanted to rush back and give me my bacon buttie, didn't you. Of course, curious little Ravenclaw that you are, you picked it up and had a play, thinking it was just a simple necklace. Next thing you know, four days have gone. And that's where I saw you, by the lake, holding the timeturner, a poor little frightened and confused thing…So I had to have you accompany me as I endeavoured to apprehend Black."

"Severus…" Circe breathed. "That's bloody awful." She laughed.

"But Fudge will believe it if I corroborate your story. And if you give back the timeturner without a fight."

"He can chuck it back in the lake, for all I care. I never want to see the bastard thing again."

"Then stop your bloody snivelling…" he said, handing her a tissue from Remus's desk. "You'll live to cause another day of havoc in this school if I have anything to do with it. And you don't want the last song you hear before being dragged off to Azkaban to be this trollop." he waved dismissively at the CD player.

She laughed a little and blew her nose. The sound warmed Severus's soul as he watched her rosy face brighten. Having being the one that had brought her a small smidgen of joy in this somber morning fulfilled him more than any stolen kiss could have. But he still felt sad at the lost memory of their kiss. He recalled the taste of her, the feel of her soft lips against his.

"I like this song." she said, a measure of her old argumentative self returning. She stroked the CD player slowly. "It's smoky and strange and powerful. It sounds modern and old at the same time. It lyrically doesn't make sense and it really really does..."

Severus listened for a while, something in the song tugging at him as he was lulled into the tune by the hypnotic, layered voices. And then the huge, rising chorus:

"Baby, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey.

Ooh, the more I get of you the stranger it feels, yeah…."

"Severus…" Circe said slowly as she watched his expression relax.

The more I get of you the stranger it feels, indeed.

She stood up, until she was level with his face. He looked back at her through his hanging hair, a strand placed devilishly over one of his eyes. She reached up and took his face in her hand and kissed him on the cheek. "Thank you."

"For what?" he replied hoarsely.

"No clue."

------

Circe realised later that morning that she'd better contact her Dad and explain that she was alright and everything had been a huge misunderstanding. She reluctantly left Lupin's classroom to send Ziggy post-haste with her message to The Midlands. After Pomona had cornered her too and tended to her broken ankle, it was too late and Lupin was gone. Remus left Hogwarts that afternoon. Circe had not been there when he'd returned limping and lethargic to his classroom and perhaps that was for the best. She would have cried and tried to convince him to stay. He would have cried too, no words from anyone would have touched him that what happened last night wasn't his fault. He'd left her a short but poignant goodbye note in her rooms, telling her that he was glad she was safe and thanking her for all of her help with regards to "Padfoot".

"Oh Remus…" she had sobbed into her pillows as his huge gramophone sat on her vanity table, by her side. He had left it especially for her. "I'll see you again soon, my friend. If only to give you back these awful jazz records…."

News of Black's escape followed not long after. The castle was a-buzz. He'd been sprung from custody in yet another miraculous escape before the Dementors could reclaim him. Circe theorised that Dumbledore must have had something to do with this as the Dementors were gone from the Hogwarts skies the very next day. Pettigrew had never been found. A bittersweet victory, but a victory nonetheless. Sirius was free, and the right people knew of his innocence.

Circe was indeed summoned to explain herself in front of the Minister, but as Severus had stated, he was a rather pliable man when presented with the right words and the right ideas. He had needed little convincing of her story of ignorance and just seemed glad to have the unaccounted timeturner back under Ministry control again.

It was about a week later when the gifts started arriving.

First came Harry's Firebolt. The new, top of the range broom wrapped up in crisp, clean brown paper and accompanied by a single silvery white feather, hidden in the sticks of the brush. She rushed outside with the rest of the eager Gryffindors as Harry took to the skies in a test-fly, laughing in delight as Potter screeched with the sheer speed of it. A hand tapped her on the shoulder and she wheeled around to face whoever it was.

"Hagrid!" she said in surprise as the Giant loomed over her. She still felt a strong stab of guilt whenever she saw the Groundskeeper, but he appeared to be none the wiser to the memory charm she'd pulled off on that fateful night.

"This 'as just been dropped off for ye at Hogsmeade station, apparently." Hagrid said, holding a small parcel out to her. "Someone from the village walked up to the castle to let us know."

Circe took it from his hands and saw her name written in long, elegant letters at its front. She tore it open and out slid an odd clunk of metal and plastic. It had been so long since she'd held a device like this that she almost didn't recognise what it was instantly.

"He didn't…" Circe breathed.

"What is et?" Hagrid asked, eyeing up the device in her hand eagerly. A note slid out of the parcel too and floated delicately on to the floor. Another brilliant silver feather following it soon after. Circe bent down and picked it up, hands shaking.

"A Black always repays his debts, Professor Smith. Do not worry too much for Remus, I shall do my best to provide for him whilst I can. I hope we can meet again soon on less desperate and ill-mannered terms. Perhaps we shall have chicken...

From, 'Honey'. "

Circe laughed and turned to Hagrid, smiling like an idiot. "Summit nice?" he asked.

She ran from the courtyard, still holding her present from Sirius, and she didn't stop running until she reached Hogsmeade.

She jogged into the station panting heavily and looked about the car park for Sirius's gift. She clicked at the button on the front of the device and almost jumped back in alarm when the car immediately in front of her lit up. It was a brand new, deep green Jaguar XJS coupe.

"He bought me a car… He bought me a bloody car!"

Now how the fuck am I going to be able to afford to insure it on a teacher's salary…