Chapter 11: Sassy's Guilt

I exited the flames in the kitchen, felt Nanna's presence even before she hurried toward me and hugged me against her. There was no sign of Poppa and I realized as Nanna released me the silk dressing gown she wore covered her equally soft nightgown. She'd come all the way back from Hong Kong for this.

Gulp. Way to stir up the family when you wanted them on your side, Ethie.

"You're okay?" She cupped my face in her hands, kissing me gently on the cheek before studying me with her magic and her eyes. I nodded, blinking tears. Please, let her not see this as a sign I needed more protection. They had to understand the fight club had been born of the tight controls GreatGram imposed on us to protect us. Putting us at risk of hurting each other. How was that for contrary? Still, I knew it wasn't her fault, that we could have found less aggressive and illegal ways to let off steam. But having magic and not being able to use it, left in the idle hands of teenagers...? Honestly, what did they expect?

"I'm sorry," I whispered, suddenly choked up though I fought the storm of weeping that wanted to take over. Because I was sincerely sorry. And not just that I'd been caught. That I had proven to be untrustworthy after all.

"We'll sort it out," Nanna said.

GreatGram grunted again as my grandmother released me and the sad face of Sassafras peeked around Nanna's shoulder. He wasn't purring, his human shape unable to release that deep, soothing sound. And I missed it. I found myself reaching for it, the girl inside me trying to connect to him for the first time in years. To my surprise and private delight that made my eyes burn with more tears, tears I refused to shed out of teenaged stubbornness, he reached instantly back, giving of himself as he, if I were to admit the truth, always had. Always. Without hesitation or question.

But when I fought my inner denial this break between us might somehow be my fault after all, I stumbled on something Sassafras tried to bury and hide through his need to comfort me.

Stunned, I gaped at him as realization struck with that simple touch. Did he really feel guilty he'd abandoned me? Oh, Ethie, so unfair, how I'd treated him all this time, since he took human form and moved on from us, created his own life with Jiao and their kids. I saw it now, how cruel I'd been to him, he who had given his entire life here on our plane to our family. Didn't he deserve the happiness he'd found? Of course he did. I leaned around Nanna and hugged him, feeling his startled gratitude.

And finally wept as he morphed in my arms, a purring, kneading silver Persian suddenly a heavy weight against my chest, the amber fire of his power humming against mine as he soothed me. Triggering memories of childhood I'd long since buried under my own angst and frustration and longed for in the secret privacy of my heart.

I should never have left you. His grief echoed in my mind.

You've done enough for this family, I sent back, firm and with the love I held for him. This is enough, Sass.

His purr intensified while his heavy silver tail thrashed against my ribs. Clearly he didn't believe me. But I was starting to think maybe this whole mess was the best thing that ever happened to me. Could it be? Hope wriggled her way into being and I didn't have the heart to send her away. Not yet, not until I heard what Mom had to say.

Speak of the demon/Sidhe/vampire/drach wonderwitch, Mom reappeared as the Kennecotts made their quiet retreat, their power touching mine with that same gentle warmth I'd felt from them all along. Sass's purr might have been offered in kindness, but that single instant of reaching for him as I'd never done, that vulnerable need triggered by old hurts and the girl I'd been when he'd left me, seemed to have swelled open doors I'd thought long sealed shut. My

heart ached while I sagged into my own guilt and acceptance I was just as much to blame for my circumstance and attitude as anyone else in this room.

How much kindness had I rejected over the years, opportunities to connect with the witches of my coven through my endless and wasteful fight against the confines of this family? So much wasted time and effort for what? I'd thank Sass later for something I'm sure he didn't even realize he'd given me, the gift of truth in the smallest acceptance of my need after all this time. For now, I had some personal berating to make it through.

I really was an idiot.

Mom waved them off before sinking into one of the kitchen chairs, sighing and rubbing her eyes with one hand. She never looked old, not even a little, her beautiful face pretty much frozen in her mid-twenties. It made me sad suddenly. Why had I never realized before what that really meant? Likely because I still felt invincible myself. But the truth hit me in the face as I stared at her weary, young countenance. I'd continue to age, to grow up and old and probably die while she would remain, perpetually Sydlynn Hayle until the end of time.

And then, in a rush, I sobbed and sat next to her, feeling her arms around me as I understood for the first time in my short and selfish life, just what my mother truly endured. Not just the weight of all the power of the Universe. But the utter surety that she would have to watch the family she loved leave her. That thought had never crossed my mind in all my sixteen years.

Who was this Ethie Hayle I'd become and where had she come from?

GreatGram spoke, though without the steel in her voice I was expecting. In fact, there was a weariness to her, a softening that shocked me more than even this revelation I'd just had about Mom.

"How is the boy?" She sat too, Nanna joining us, Sass kneading for all he was worth against my jeans. I huddled there, surrounded by the women and Persian as I'd longed to for so many years, as if I fit among them instead of standing outside the wondrous power and force of love they shared. Born of fire and death and hurt so vast I couldn't comprehend it, I knew. Though so little, really. A story I never heard fully out of my own rejection of them all this time.

Did I say I was an idiot? Oh my elements and stars. I really was.

"He'll be fine," Mom said, sounding disgusted and more than a little irritated. "His parents have been informed of his lack of respect for this coven's territory and my daughter and have promised he will behave himself for the duration of his visit."

"He's still here?" GreatGram sounded pissed, and not at me for once.

"The territory youth exchange was Karyn's idea." Mom sounded like the words were sour candy in her mouth while Nanna sighed.

"Perhaps a bit more supervision while his visit continues." She patted my hand, Sass grunting his agreement.

"That doesn't mitigate the fact we have an heir who has been engaging in illegal battles with other witches." Was it just me, or did GreatGram's tone not carry the kind of disappointment I was expecting?

Mom shrugged, grinned. "Do you really want to point fingers, Ethpeal Hayle?" Sass chuckled. "Pots and black kettles shouldn't throw stones in glass houses."

Whatever that meant. My family and their mixed metaphors made my head ache sometimes. But that was beside the point. Because I was staring at GreatGram just then with my mouth open while her lips twisted and a gleam of humor came to her blue eyes. While Nanna laughed, that deep, warm chuckle that gave me goosebumps because it was so delicious.

"We all have enough water under that bridge none of us are sparkly white," she said with a fond smile for her mother and daughter. "Agreed?"

Mom grinned at me while GreatGram sighed. "We have a lot to talk about," Mom said then, serious but not angry. I nodded, but she held up one hand before I could speak or offer more apologies. "How is it I keep screwing you up when all I've tried to do is make sure I don't do just that?" Her eyes rimmed with moisture which she dashed away while I sat in stunned silence and waited for her to go on as Nanna's power soothed me and her in one big hug of power. I honestly thought I was going to explode from the sheer shock of suddenly being in the middle of everything I ever wanted. All I ever wanted.

"If I'd known almost killing that kid would have this result," I said, voice shaking, "I would have attempted murder a long time ago."

Mom's eyes flashed amber. "Too soon, kid," she said. While her demon chuckled evilly in my head. At least one of her personas thought it was funny. "And something you'll have to answer for, like it or not. Fighting among your own coven is bad enough, but can be looked past if we choose. But fighting a guest from another family..." She exhaled and shrugged, rubbed her forehead with one hand. "We'll talk to Karyn. I'm sure it can be handled quietly. As long as you promise to never do it again."

I nodded quickly. I'd had my fill, anyway.

"Enough for tonight," GreatGram said. "But maybe..." she hesitated before exhaling heavily, her blue eyes locked on me without malice or judgment, speculative at long last, as if seeing me for the first time. "Maybe this old witch is a bigger fool than she's ever been willing to admit."

I don't recall much else from the next few minutes, aside from a floating feeling of utter joy.

All I do remember is finding myself in my room, a purring silver Persian on my pillow, Mom and Nanna tucking me in, the scent of lilac and the warm pressure of Mom's lips on my forehead making me giddy.

I lay awake long after they'd gone, cradled by the power of the family and the love of my mother, not wanting to sleep for fear this was all a dream. Because I wouldn't survive waking and finding my life had gone back to the way it was just a few hours ago.

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