41. Epilogue Part II

On very rare occasions, Maya felt like time slowed. Like the seconds blurred and if she wanted, she could reach out and touch them.

When she crossed the finish line at the Olympics, time collapsed around her. She felt pain and she felt triumph and most of all, she felt her father’s arms holding her up, his voice screaming in her ear. She was on the podium and on the start line and in front of the press and in the change room and at the finish line in some impossible loop brought on by exhaustion and adrenaline.

Standing at the nurse’s station, Maya felt the same strange collapse. It felt like everyone around her was walking in slow motion, which may have been caused by her lack of sleep. Or her euphoria. Or how life altering the past three days had been.

When the elevator dinged, Maya blinked hard, trying to clear her head. Because sure enough, as soon as the doors slid open, a familiar little face appeared. A familiar little face calling to her.

“Mommy!”

Jamie’s voice was full of relief as she ran, her arms already outstretched, and while usually Maya would warn her not to run in a busy hospital hallway, she was so relieved to see her baby that all she could do was drop to her knees and catch the little girl in her arms.

“Hi, Baby T,” Maya said, holding Jamie close. She breathed her in, needing the hug as much as Jamie did.

When she stood, Jamie immediately grabbed her hand and again, Maya was so grateful for her daughter’s’ presence. Katherine stepped closer then, smiling at the small reunion.

“Hi, Sweetheart,” she said, beaming, and Maya reached over to wrap her free arm around her mother’s back.

“Hey, Mom.”

They both heard a giggle from Jamie and when they looked, she was staring up with her wide blue eyes.

“Gran is mommy’s mommy,” Jamie said, which made Katherine laugh and Maya smile affectionately.

“That’s right, gran is my mommy.”

“Gran showed me when you were a baby and you had no hair.”

Maya raised an eyebrow in question, but Katherine just shrugged, pulling lightly on one of Jamie’s braids.

“We were looking at b-a-b-y pictures,” she explained, “someone is very curious about b-a-b-i-e-s right now.”

It was understandable though Maya briefly wondered how Katherine had explained the other people in the pictures. The missing people. Lane. Mason. Maybe she hadn’t mentioned them at all. Maya was so tired that she chose not to dwell and instead crouched down again, taking both of Jamie’s hands in hers.

“There’s someone who wants to meet you,” she said, watching Jamie’s reaction.

“Is it a lizard?”

Maya shook her head. “No, baby, it’s your little brother. He arrived very late last night. While you were sleeping.”

“My fratellino is here?”

“He is.”

Jamie seemed to take this in. “Where’s mama?”

“Mama is taking care of him.”

“Oh. Is gran gonna take care of me now? Can I come home too?”

Maya knew Jamie was just trying to process the big news, but she hated that her daughter worried about such things, even if it came from a place of confusion.

“Hey,” Maya whispered, bringing Jamie closer, “me and mama are always going to take care of you. Mama missed you so much, she’s been asking for you all night and all day.”

“I missed mama too,” Jamie confessed with a little pout.

Katherine cleared her throat, forcing Maya’s attention.

“I’m going to go grab a coffee for you and some breakfast,” she said, and Maya was grateful because her mother clearly understood that the DeLuca-Bishop family needed a few moments alone before it was time for the new baby to meet his gran.

As soon as Katherine disappeared into the elevator, Maya straightened, still holding Jamie’s hand.

“Ready?” She asked, staring to walk when Jamie nodded. They only made it a few steps when Jamie paused, letting go of Maya’s hand and hiding behind her legs.

Maya looked down and found Jamie clinging to her jeans. “J?”

Jamie didn’t say anything, so Maya tried again.

“Can we use our words, Jamie?”

There was a little shuffling behind her and then Jamie tugged on Maya’s sleeve, clearly wanting to tell her something. Maya crouched down again, watching Jamie’s face for any sign of what was wrong, though Jamie’s kept her head bowed as she spoke.

“Is mama sick?” Jamie asked, playing with Maya’s fingers.

Maya held back her smile, she held back the little proud laugh she wanted to release because Jamie was so smart, she was so empathetic. She knew that the hospital was a place where people had to go when they were sick. She understood that her mama worked at the hospital, but she also understood that Carina was currently in the hospital, which in her mind meant…

“No, Jamie, mama isn’t sick. She’s very tired because having a baby is really hard work, but she said she can’t sleep until she sees her piccola.”

“Mommy?”

“Hmm?”

“Can I have my lupo?”

Maya reached into the tiny backpack Jamie wore and retrieved the grey stuffy which Jamie took eagerly. She tucked it under her arm and then kept her free hand on Maya’s shoulder.

“Shall we go now?” Maya asked again, only this time she lifted Jamie, settling her on her hip.

Jamie nodded, her head on Maya’s shoulder, still a little unsure, but obviously feeling braver with her mommy and her wolf close by.

~*~

It was true that Carina had been asking for Jamie.

Within ten minutes of giving birth, she’d turned to Maya and said she wanted her piccolina and Maya understood fully. She wanted Jamie in that moment too. As she held her son, as she realized they were now a family of four, she didn’t feel complete without Jamie beside them.

Carina’s labour had been long, which meant that they hadn’t seen Jamie in three days. Maya briefly wondered how they were ever going to survive summer camp.

But as she walked into Carina’s hospital room, she felt butterflies and excitement because finally, finally they were all reunited. She was about to witness her children meet for the first time, she could hardly believe it herself.

Carina sat in bed, the baby in her arms, but as she looked up, her tired smile transformed into a beaming grin.

“Ciao, cucciola!” She laughed, reaching out with her free hand.

Jamie wiggled in Maya’s arms.

“Mama!” She called out, nearly leaping onto the bed before Maya stopped her. Jamie immediately crawled to Carina’s side, squishing her little body as close to her mama as she could get. The new baby chose that moment to huff and yawn, which instantly drew Jamie’s attention.

Her little mouth opened in surprise and she held out her hand tentatively, before pulling it back.

“It’s okay,” Maya said, sitting next to Carina’s legs, “you can touch him.”

Jamie offered the baby her hand, which he immediately grabbed with tiny fingers.

“Mama it’s my fratellino,” Jamie said almost in awe. Carina sniffled, leaning down to kiss the top of Jamie’s head.

“Sì, this is your little brother, Hayden.”

“Hayden,” Jamie repeated, looking at him closely. “My fratellino.”

“It’s a very big job having a little brother,” Carina said, her voice wavering, “but you will be wonderful, amore mio, you already are.”

Hayden Andrea DeLuca-Bishop came into the world screaming. He weighed six pounds, five ounces, which Maya technically knew wasn’t big, but compared to Jamie’s birth weight he was huge. Underneath his blue hat, there was a full head of brunette curls and upon realizing that she was holding a mini Carina, Maya had promptly burst into tears, overwhelmed to see the face of the person she loved most reflected back in their son.

“Mama?” Jamie tilted her head back against Carina, looking up at her.

“Hmm?”

“Did you get hurted?”

Between the hospital gown and the IV in Carina’s arm, Maya could understand Jamie’s confusion. Coupled with her earlier anxiety and the fact that she had zero clue where babies came from, her question made sense.

“No, no, but having a baby is very tiring, so I must lie in bed today,” Carina said.

Jamie frowned, pulling her hand away from the baby. “Hayden, don’t make mama tired!”

Hayden yawned in response.

“It’s okay, Baby T, Hayden is pretty tired too,” Maya laughed, gladly accepting the baby when Carina passed him to her. She held him with both hands, searching his face again, mesmerized by the slope of his nose.

Jamie wiggled closer to Carina, sighing happily when Carina wrapped her in a tight hug. They lay cuddled together as Maya sat with Hayden sleeping in her arms, and it was like some impossible fever dream happening in real time.

She watched as Jamie’s eyes grew heavy, as she fell asleep against Carina’s side, one arm slung across Carina’s middle. Maya and Carina were left staring at each other in exhausted bliss.

“How are you feeling?” Maya asked quietly, the memory of Carina’s labour still so fresh.

She couldn’t quite believe what she’d witnessed. Carina’s strength and determination. Her pain. She didn’t know how Carina was awake or talking or doing much of anything besides sleeping.

“Lots of things hurt,” Carina said, though she smiled softly as she spoke.

“You were so incredible, Carina, I…”

What could she possible say? How could she possibly express the awe, the gratitude?

“Thank you,” Maya knew the words were lame, they didn’t come close to what Carina deserved.

“Maya…”

“Thank you for them. For giving us Hayden. For…if not for you…” Maya stared at Jamie, knowing that without Carina, they wouldn’t have their little girl. In Maya’s mind, Carina had given her Jamie just as much as she’d given her Hayden.

Her babies.

“Together, Bambina, always. Every step,” Carina whispered, her cheek pressed to Jamie’s head.

Maya brushed her nose across Hayden’s forehead and watched the steady rise and fall of Jamie’s chest.

Time was doing its strange dance again. Slow and fast and paused all at once.

But Carina was with her.

Carina was with her in the present and the past and the future.

~*~

She’d wanted to be a mother for as long as she could remember. It had always been a somewhat shapeless fantasy. There would be a partner of some sort – the gender didn’t matter. And then there would be a baby of some sort.

Carina had always known too that motherhood was not easy. She’d seen her own mother struggle to balance a crumbling marriage with the needs of her two children. She’d watched countless patients return to her office for a post-partum checkup looking like they’d been hit by a bus. Exhausted. Frazzled. Sometimes depressed.

But this?

Carina didn’t know how to navigate this.

She didn’t know how to navigate a wife in the hospital and two children under four. Hiding in her office was immature, she knew that, but she needed a moment to just be a worried spouse and not a supportive parent. She needed a moment away from little hands and tears because she had her own tears to cry, her own heart to mend.

Maya was okay. She kept telling herself over and over: Maya was okay.

A broken arm and a big lump on her head.

It didn’t erase the fear, though. The trauma.

The first firefighter came through the doors ten minutes after Carina arrived in the ER. She was there for a consult and was about to leave, when she realized it was noisier than usual, which was saying a lot because the ER was one of the loudest places in the hospital.

One after one, patients were rolled past her, covered in soot, coughing, worse…

And then some of the patients were wearing turnouts and Carina felt her heart pounding. She set her tablet down and then froze in place, the swarms of people around her in black coats with yellow stripes like something out of a nightmare.

Some still wore their helmets.

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There were screams from the trauma bays and the entire floor smelled like burned flesh and Carina subconsciously started praying that it was not going to be the day she was made a widow. It was not going to be the day that she lost the piece of herself she could not survive losing.

As if summoned by her prayers, Carina heard a voice over all the other sound, a familiar voice. It spoke in a bark, a command, though Carina heard the coughing in between each word too, and when she turned, she found herself needing to place one hand on the desk to keep from keeling over in relief.

Maya was running alongside a gurney. Carina didn’t recognize the patient, but even from a distance she could see the blood. She could see the way her wife’s hands were curled around the remains of an arm, her fingers soaked in gore…

“Captain Bishop, we need to make sure you’re okay, come with me,” one of the trauma residents plucked at Maya’s elbow, but she practically growled at him.

“O’Neill first!”

“But Captain Bishop…”

Maya still hadn’t seen her, even as Carina followed the fast-moving gurney into one of the trauma bays. Her stomach lurched as she got a better look at what was happening.

O’Neill was Maya’s new probie. She’d only met him briefly, she barely remembered the interaction – distracted by Hayden’s tears – but looking at him now she was struck by how young he was. Someone had tied a tourniquet around his bicep, but Maya’s hands held the stump steady until Owen stepped in, ready to take over.

“You did good, O’Neill,” Maya said, leaning over the gurney.

A choked sob came from the man on the bed. “O’Neill? Not Probie? Must be really bad…”

“You’re okay,” Maya sounded so reassuring though it was clear that O’Neill was very much not okay.”

“Cap?”

“Hmm?”

“Can you call my mom?”

Maya turned her face, obviously trying to hide her emotions from the scared soul looking at her for answers, and in doing so, she finally made eye contact with Carina. She startled, as if Carina was an apparition, but then turned back to O’Neill.

“On it, Probie. She’ll be here when you wake up,” Maya said, finally stepping away.

She let Owen and his residents descend, and it was only when Maya took a step towards Carina that Carina realized something was wrong.

Maya held her blood-soaked arm close to her chest, cradling it against her body.

“Maya?” Carina reached out, searching Maya’s face for any sign of what she was feeling because she looked so angry and so focused that Carina couldn’t tell if she was in pain underneath it all.

“I’m…” Maya paused, falling to one knee. She threw up and then promptly passed out, hitting the floor hard.

Which is how Carina found herself sitting in the middle of Grey-Sloan’s ER, screaming for Amelia, holding her wife’s unconscious body in her arms.

How Maya managed to keep her grip on O’Neill’s stump while her own arm was broken remained a mystery. Adrenaline, Link explained. Concussion, Amelia argued.

Carina knew it was that steely Maya Bishop determination and stubbornness, but she was too relieved to say so. The concussion was minor and the break didn’t require surgery. In the midst of a five-alarm fire disaster that saw multiple deaths and injuries, Maya had been lucky, though Carina struggled to accept that “lucky” led to her wife in a hospital bed.

The second trauma of her day came when she had to tell Jamie why mommy couldn’t pick her up from daycare as promised. Carina had tried to assure Jamie that Maya was okay, that her boo boo was small, but all Jamie heard was mommy is hurt and she’s not coming home, which prompted near hysterical tears. They narrowly avoided a full-blown asthma attack – she’d wrapped Jamie in Maya’s SFD hoodie and the familiar scent calmed her - but the experience had shaken Carina deeply. It was bad enough her wife was hurt. But to see her baby suffering?  

Carina had spent a sleepless night holding her daughter who woke every thirty minutes complaining of nightmares. By morning Jamie was insisting on seeing Maya, and even though Maya would be discharged within twenty-four hours, Carina finally gave in.

She was grateful that Katherine had taken both children down to the cafeteria when they arrived at the hospital. Grateful to have even ten minutes alone to try and process her fear and Jamie’s anxiety and tiny Hayden in the middle who just wanted milk and a cuddle.

Meanwhile, Carina just wanted to crawl into bed with Maya and hold her forever. Medically, she understood that Maya was okay. Emotionally? She was struggling.

It wasn’t hard to find her family in the cafeteria. They drew a small crowd and even from across the room Carina could see Teddy holding Hayden and Cormac sitting next to Jamie. The sight of her children helped ease her nerves. Even though she was worried about Jamie, being close to them was restorative. She just wanted to see their little faces and hold them close and breathe them in.

Teddy saw her first, offering a kind smile and even better, offering Hayden who squirmed just a little until Carina settled him in her arms.

“I can’t get over that hair,” Teddy laughed, which made Carina smile and shrug. Her mother used to say the same thing about Andrea, though Hayden’s hair was closer to her own shade of brunette than her brother’s.

Little arms were suddenly holding her leg and Carina looked down to find Jamie staring up at her.

“Ciao, Tesoro,” Carina said, carefully sitting down. She leaned forward and kissed Jamie’s forehead.

Katherine looked as tired as Carina felt. Carina understood the shadows beneath her mother-in-law’s eyes and the hard set of her mouth. A mother scared for her child.

“She’s doing well,” Carina’s hands were full, but she nodded at her Katherine, trying to be reassuring.

“She shaved a year off my life, that’s what she did.”

Carina understood that too. They’d spoken often of their shared fear for Maya and of their pride too. It had bonded them in a way Carina would have never expected. But Katherine loved Maya and Carina loved Maya. And Carina loved Katherine for bringing Maya into the world while Katherine loved Carina for loving her daughter in a way no one ever had before.

“Did you eat lunch?” Carina asked, trying to refocus on Jamie. She could go cry about her wife later. In the shower. Once the babies were sleeping. Not now. Not here.

Jamie nodded and climbed back into her own chair, reaching for her juice box.

“I had soup,” she explained, “and orange juice and fishies and gran said I could have pudding cuz pudding makes mommy feel better when she’s sick.”

“That’s a very good lunch, piccolina. Did your fratellino have lunch too?”

“Milk,” Jamie shrugged, clearly unimpressed with her brother’s diet. Carina smiled a tired smile, reaching out to tuck Jamie’s hair behind her ear.

“Are you ready to go see Mommy?”

She expected Jamie to jump at the chance. She expected excitement.

What she got instead was a wobbly bottom lip and an angry head shake.

Katherine didn’t say anything though she and Carina exchanged a surprised glance. They watched Jamie rest her forehead against the table and seeing her little girl struggle broke Carina’s heart.

“Perché no?” Carina asked gently, taking Jamie’s hand and stroking her tiny knuckles with her thumb.

Jamie sniffled and looked at Carina with watery blue eyes. “Perché la mommy non è tornata a casa come aveva detto!”

All Carina could do was sigh heavily. She moved her chair closer to Jamie, mindful of Hayden who was asleep against her shoulder, and stroked Jamie’s cheek, drying her tears.

“Mommy is going to be home in the morning, but she would really like to see you now,” Carina said, knowing Katherine couldn’t understand Italian and not wanting to leave her out.

Though Jamie’s anger over Maya not coming home as promised could likely be understood in any language.

“Cucciola, can you look at me please?” Carina set her fingertip beneath Jamie’s chin and waited for Jamie to move her head. The little girl was still pouting, but obeyed Carina’s request.

“You don’t need to see mommy if you don’t want to,” Carina said, “but I think it would make you feel better. And it would make mommy feel better to see you.”

“But…but…Lizzie’s mommy had to sleep here and she never ever came home again.”

Ah…that was it…

Lizzie was a girl in Jamie’s daycare who’d recently lost her mother to cancer. The daycare had done its best to explain Lizzie’s absence, but Jamie had barely said a word about it. Maya and Carina had just assumed it went mostly over her head and let it go. Apparently, they had been wrong.

“Mommy is coming home, Tesoro. She only has a small boo boo,” Carina explained.

Jamie still seemed unconvinced. “But then why does she have to sleep here?”

“Sometimes people sleep in the hospital just to help them feel better. Do you remember when Hayden was born? And I slept here for two nights and then I came home?”

It had only been three months, but for Jamie, three months likely felt like three years. She was still so small, her attention span fairly short, Carina doubted she even remembered Hayden’s birth.

“So…mommy has to sleep here for two nights too?” Jamie scrunched up her nose. It was an expression so like Maya that Carina couldn’t help her smile despite their serious conversation.

“Sì, amore mio, tornerà a casa domani. Prometto.”

Jamie tilted her head, clearly weighing Carina’s words, but finally she nodded.

“Bene, mama.”

The little girl slid off her chair and Carina wrapped her arm around her, bringing her in for a close hug. Carina held the embrace for another much needed minute before releasing a shaky breath.

“Andiamo?” She asked, stroking Jamie’s cheek with her thumb.

“Andiamo, mama.”

~*~

Carina explained carefully that Maya’s arm was in a cast and that her forehead had a bruise and a big Band-Aid. All things considered, Maya didn’t look terrible, but she was clearly injured and with Jamie’s anxiety, Carina wanted their daughter to be prepared.

She walked down the ward, tightly holding Jamie’s hand while carrying Hayden in a sling across her chest. They stayed mostly quiet, all three DeLuca-Bishops lost in thought – though Hayden was fast asleep and likely dreaming tiny baby dreams.

When they approached Maya’s room, Carina peeked in first, relieved to find her wife sitting up in bed, looking very awake. She’d been heavily sedated the night before and the last thing Carina wanted was Jamie seeing Maya strung-out and in pain.

“Do I hear a Baby T-Rex?” Maya called, playfully avoiding Jamie’s gaze as she looked over Carina’s shoulder and out the door.

“Mommy!”

“Mama, do you hear that? I swear I heard something just now,” Maya smiled, stifling her laughter as she stared at Carina.

“Mommy!” Jamie ran to the side of the bed and tried to pull herself up, though it was much too high for her little legs.

“Careful, Tesoro,” Carina warned, close enough to help lift Jamie who eagerly fell into Maya’s one-armed embrace.

Jamie’s eyes drifted from the white gauze taped to Maya’s forehead to her cast, which she carefully reached out and touched.

“That’s a big boo boo, hey?” Maya asked.

Jamie nodded. “Mommy, I was scared.”

“That’s okay. I was too.”

“But mama said you’re not like Lizzie’s mommy and you can come home.”

Recognition dawned on Maya’s face and she flashed Carina a worried glance.

“Mama is right,” Maya said, tangling her fingers in Jamie’s hair.

Carina took Hayden from his sling, sighing a little when she caught the way Maya looked at him – wistful and so very much in love. Motherhood still looked far too good on Maya Bishop.

“I’m going to need your help when I get home,” Maya continued, her eyes on Carina though she was talking to Jamie, “do you think you can draw a picture on my cast for me?”

Jamie gasped in excitement. “Can I, Mama?”

“You can,” Carina laughed, adjusting Hayden who began nuzzling at her chest. She raised her shirt and lowered her bra, watching as he latched on, feeling Maya’s eyes on her.

“And do you think you can help Mama with Hayden when I get home?” Maya asked, booping Jamie’s nose.”

“Oh, yes,” Carina nodded along, “I’m going to need help while Mommy’s boo boo gets better.”

“We can give him a bath!” Jamie crossed her legs and leaned back against Maya, comfortable and calm for the first time in days.

“That would be so helpful, Jamie,” Carina said.

“And…and he can play with my boats and my sharks.”

“Can I play with your boats and your sharks too?” Maya asked, biting her lip as Jamie tipped her head up and groaned.

“Mommy, you’re too big. You can play with Mama.”

“I can play with Mama?” Maya raised an eyebrow and Carina did too, curious to see where Jamie was going.

“Uh huh. Mama you have to give Mommy a bath ‘cuz Mommy’s arm got hurted ‘cuz she got ‘sploded.”

Maya licked her lips, but Carina shot her a warning look.

“You know what, Baby T? I like that idea,” Maya said, “what about you, Mama? Do you want to give me a bath?”

Carina shrugged. “Only if you’re good.”

“I’m always good.”

Carina mentally scheduled a spanking for a later date. Once the cast was off. Once Maya was fully healed. Her hand tingled in anticipation.

In the meantime, she was content to listen to Maya and Jamie make plans, she was content to watch Hayden’s tiny face as he curled into her body, his tiny fingers against her breast.

She reminded herself that this was real. That what happened in the past was gone and despite her fear, despite how scared she had been for Maya, Maya was okay. She was beautiful and vibrant and far too stubborn to let a five alarm fire take her from their family.

She would be home by morning.

Carina let herself think it over and over again.

She would be home by morning.

~*~

At first, the dreams reoccurred nightly.

Maya heard the explosion, she felt herself blown off her feet. The hard landing, the sharp pain in her arm and the blurry vision. In the dream she would crawl towards the screaming, pushing herself up on her knees only to find herself staring at chaos.

Bodies on fire. Blood.

A voice called out for her.

“Cap, oh god, Cap please help me…is my arm okay? Cap I think something’s wrong with my arm?”

O’Neill lay on the pavement completely unaware that his left arm was lying six feet away. Her training kicked in, it almost always did, and she unzipped her turnout coat and pulled down the suspenders, trying to access her belt.

The stump was ragged, wet, Maya knew she had to stop the bleeding, but there was so little of his arm left…so little…

She wrapped her belt around the gore and tied it as tightly as she could. The pain in her own arm flared, but she ignored it, because even with the tourniquet in place, O’Neill kept thrashing, he kept asking if he was okay, he kept calling for his mother and the request sent chills down Maya’s spine as she remembered a little voice that called for her, innocent, perfect and pure and…

Her hands sunk into the gnarled remains of muscle and skin. It felt like hamburger meat, the hard, sharp edges of O’Neill’s shattered humerus pushed into her palm. The blood was hot, it was everywhere, and his torn skin brushed against her hands like wet leather and…

The dream was always the same. Every night the same.

And then it was every other night. And then once a week.

It seemed that as soon as Link removed her cast, the dreams stopped, as if her body was able to let go once there wasn’t a constant reminder of the accident.

Which is why she startled awake in shock, struggling in the bedsheets as she fought to regain consciousness. As she fought the feeling that her mind had somehow betrayed her by dreaming the dream again.

“Mmmm, Bambina, stai bene?”

A muffled voice from the other side of the bed forced Maya to take in her surroundings. She blinked heavily, turning her face only to find herself staring at the back of Carina’s head.

“When did you come to bed?” Maya asked, her voice coarse from sleep. She’d fallen asleep without Carina by her side – something about a late-night meeting with Meredith Grey and a clinical trial that required their attention.

Carina rolled onto her back, her brow furrowed.

“Only an hour ago,” she said, stretching both arms over her head. It made her shirt ride up and even in the dark room, the sight of Carina’s exposed abdomen provided a welcome distraction from the horrors of the dream.

Maya shuffled closer, raising herself on her elbow so she could drag her lips along Carina’s side.

“I had the nightmare again,” Maya confessed, lightly grazing her teeth over Carina’s hipbone. She sighed at the feel of fingers playing with her hair.

Carina arched just a little. “Do you need cuddles? Should I read to you?”

“Hmm. Something like that.”

Maya moved her body, lying heavily against Carina’s side, so she could lean over and kiss her. She could feel Carina smile against her mouth and even though it was almost four in the morning, Maya felt suddenly awake.

“It is so late,” Carina said, though she chased Maya’s lips when Maya pulled away.

Maya ducked her head down, the tip of her tongue tracing the small scar over Carina’s pulse point.

 “Is it?” She whispered, sucking the warm skin while sliding her hand down Carina’s body and into her panties.

Carina grumbled, which made Maya look up and pause, her fingers against Carina’s clit but not yet moving.

Between Maya’s injuries and having two children under age four, intimacy had been non-existent for months. It was the longest they’d ever gone without sex with the exception of the weeks after Hayden was born. But if Carina wasn’t in the mood, Maya was happy just to be close to her.

They stared at each other, Maya searching Carina’s face, Carina obviously deep in thought, her eyes narrow. Until she broke out into a huge grin and giggled as she spread her legs, which made something low in Maya’s belly flip.

She giggled.

The giggling stopped when Maya began stroking her, one finger on either side of Carina’s clit, rubbing just the way she knew would quickly have Carina begging. The smile on Carina’s face never disappeared, if anything it grew wider, she almost purred as Maya touched her, her breathing becoming faster and faster.

Maya nuzzled against Carina’s chest, biting her thin shirt and pulling it up with her teeth. The move made Carina moan softly, though the sound became louder when Maya circled the tip of her tongue around one very sensitive nipple.

“Careful, Bambina…don’t…don’t suck too…uh too hard,” Carina gasped, which made Maya stifle a laugh because there had been an occasion or two when she had very much not been careful and it all resulted in astoundingly good orgasms, followed by shocked laughter at their temporary loss of all inhibitions.

It wasn’t one of those nights. They didn’t have time to lose themselves in each other, though Maya not-so-secretly wished they did. But they both had work in the morning and children down the hall, so Maya released Carina with a pop and returned to her lips, swallowing moans and sighs and her own name.

“You’re very wet, Dr. DeLuca,” Maya whispered in Carina’s ear, lowering her fingers to coat them in silky moisture before returning to Carina’s clit.

Carina bit her lip and stretched, the veins in her neck prominent, as a blissed out smile appeared on her face. Maya so loved that particular smile – the way Carina’s eyes would flutter shut, the pure delight on her face…

Maya circled Carina’s entrance, aching for her heat.

“Is this all for me?” She asked, pleased to see Carina nod, her ability to speak quickly fading.

She shifted, pushing her fingers inside, unable to stop herself from rolling onto Carina’s thigh and thrusting her hips, the friction and the feel of Carina so tight around her overwhelming. Carina inhaled, a silent gasp, and grabbed hold of the back of Maya’s t-shirt, pulling in surprise.

Maya jerked her hips in time to the thrust of her fingers, finding it difficult to concentrate, especially when Carina’s hand drifted down her back and into her boxers.

“Wait…” Carina breathed, panting so heavily the words barely made sense, “Bambina…wait we need lube…I want…”

Carina was soaked, Maya wasn’t sure why they needed lube, but she paused long enough to push herself up just enough to see Carina’s flushed face.

“Wh…” She began when Carina looked at her with eyes full of mischief.

“I want to play with your ass,” she said, her hand squeezing the body part in question, moving dangerously low.

Maya nearly burst into laughter, she was so tired and still knuckle deep in Carina and now her wife was stroking a very clever finger towards her…

“MOMMY!”

Carina swore under her breath and Maya groaned, burying her face in Carina’s shoulder.

“No, no, no,” she whispered to herself, frozen on top of Carina, praying Jamie would fall back asleep.

“MOMMY! MAMA!”

“Coming, Tesoro!” Carina called, which made Maya grumble as she pulled out and rolled off Carina’s body.

“You most certainly are not,” she said, but Carina was already off the bed and tying her robe around her body.

Jamie called for them both again and Carina winced.

“Ugh, she’s going to wake Hayden,” she said breathlessly, already half-way out the door.

Maya made a quick stop in the washroom to deal with her hands, but quickly followed Carina into the hallway.

The light in Jamie’s room came on and Maya stepped inside just on time to see Carina crouch down in concern.

“Mommy you came home?” Jamie asked, blinking heavily, as if she didn’t believe what she was seeing.

“Of course, baby. Did you have a bad dream?”

Maya joined Carina by Jamie’s bed, sitting on the floor so she could be eye level with Jamie.

Jamie’s eyes welled with tears and she lowered her head, her cheeks red.

“Mama?” Her voice wavered as she sniffled loudly.

Carina stroked her hair. “What is it, amore mio?”

“I had an accident.”

Her embarrassment was palpable and Maya’s heart broke just a little. Jamie had very much aced potty training, but on rare nights when she’d had too much juice before bed or when she’d had a bad dream, accidents still happened. She always seemed so ashamed, no matter how much Maya and Carina assured her that it was perfectly natural.

Maya hated that she was the source of Jamie’s nightmare. She blamed herself for her daughter’s tear stained face.

“Hey, Jamie?” Maya said, taking Jamie’s hands in hers, “it’s okay.”

“I’m sorry,” the little girl whispered, but Maya shook her head, exchanging a worried glance with Carina.

“Jamie, you don’t need to be sorry. Sometimes these things happen. Do you know I had a bad dream too?” Maya watched as Jamie finally raised her head, her little face tear-stained but curious.

“You did?” Jamie asked.

“I did. And then Mama gave me lots of cuddles and I felt all better.”

Jamie seemed to take that under consideration. Before she could say another word, Hayden started crying from his nursery. It was barely 4:30AM, but the DeLuca-Bishop household was apparently awake for the day.

“Why don’t you come with me and we’ll get you all cleaned up. And then we can go have hugs in the big bed?” Maya slowly pulled back Jamie’ sheet and offered her hand.

Carina stood, but not before kissing Jamie’s forehead. “Go with Mommy, piccola, I will get you new jammies, bene?”

It was discombobulating. Maya had gone from burying herself in Carina to gathering toy boats for the bathtub and barely ten minutes had passed by. But she wore many hats, each one fit her well, and the shift from wife to mommy was one she performed daily.

She could hear Carina in the hallway, undoubtably seeing to Hayden while stripping Jamie’s bed. They moved like a well-oiled machine, albeit an exhausted well-oiled machine. Maya sat on the floor, filling the tub, but kept her eye on Jamie who stood beside her, still subdued.

“Arms up,” Maya instructed, starting on Jamie’s PJ top.

It pained Maya to see Jamie so withdrawn. She knew part of her daughter’s mood was because of the early hour, though she hated that Jamie felt any shame whatsoever. And even more, she worried that the accident and her job were hurting Jamie subconsciously. She hated that Jamie now understood how dangerous firefighting could be.

Once Jamie’s pyjamas were off and the water level perfect, Maya helped Jamie into the tub, staying mostly quiet as she used a cup to wet Jamie’s hair. Usually, bath time was loud, a boisterous, dramatic exercise that saw Jamie take charge of a fleet of boats, floating farm animals, and the odd shark or too. Now she sat quietly, her knees drawn up to her chest as she seemed to be deep in thought.

Maya started on the shampoo, smiling to herself when Jamie closed her eyes and relaxed.

“Do you want to tell me about your dream?” Maya asked, scrubbing gently behind Jamie’s ears.

Jamie frowned and turned towards Maya. “You didn’t come home.”

“Like the time I had to stay in the hospital?”

“Yeah.”

“That was pretty scary, wasn’t it, J?”

Jamie nodded.

“It’s okay to be scared, but you know that I always try my best to come home to you, right?”

There was another little nod, though Jamie didn’t look convinced.

“Remember how we talked about my gear?”

There was no way to explain to a three-year-old that firefighting really could be deadly, that her fears were more than warranted, that there was a chance Maya would not come home someday. As captain, she was technically less likely to be in direct danger, but the recent accident had proven that not to always be the case. Maya never wanted to make a promise she couldn’t keep, though she so wished she could tell Jamie that she would always come home, that there was no risk. Instead, she tried to reassure her daughter in much the same way she reassured her wife.

With logic. With rationality.

Jamie yawned and rubbed her eye with the back of her hand, but seemed to be listening.

“Every day I wear special clothes that keep me safe,” Maya explained, “my big jacket and my big pants. And my helmet keeps my head from getting hurt.”

“And your robot face?”

Maya stifled a laugh. “Yes, my oxygen mask. Remember Jack let you wear his?”

“For when there’s too much smoke.”

“That’s right,” Maya said, marvelling at her brilliant little girl.

“But…but you got hurted, Mommy.”

“I know, baby,” Maya sighed, “and I know it scared you, so when you feel scared, I want you to think about my helmet and my jacket and my mask. They keep me safe. And you know what else keeps me safe?”

Jamie shook her head.

“My crew keeps me safe. We all watch out for each other,” Maya said.

“Like at the park?”

“Yeah, like how I hold your hand at the park and make sure we stay together. Exactly like that. And there’s another thing too.”

Maya quickly rinsed the soap from Jamie’s hair, knowing she had a limited time before Jamie would be too sleepy to sit in the bath. She reached for the soap and nearby cloth, the sound of Carina in the hallway letting her know that the sheets were taken care of and Hayden was likely taken care of too.

“Whenever I go to the fire, I think about you and your brother and mama, and that helps keep me safe too,” Maya said softly, running the towel along Jamie’s arms and her chest.

“It does?”

“It does. Because I’ll always do everything I can to come home to you, okay?”

Jamie nodded again, her expression clearing. She seemed more interested in her boats, though Maya could see she was still deep in thought. Sure enough, she looked up suddenly, her little eyebrows furrowed.

“Mommy?” She asked, folding her arms over the side of the tub.

“Hmm?”

“How come my eyes are blue and Hayden’s eyes are blue and your eyes are blue and gran’s eyes are blue and and Jack’s eyes are blue and Amelia’s eyes are blue and Scout’s eyes are blue, but mama’s eyes are brown?”

Maya bit her lip, forcing herself not to laugh because Jamie looked very serious and deeply concerned and Maya always tried to respect her curiosity. Explaining genetics to a three-year-old, however, felt like a much too difficult activity for five in the morning, so instead Maya offered Jamie her hands and helped from the bath.

“Well, eyes come in different colours. Some people have blue eyes. Some people have green eyes or hazel eyes. And some people like mama have brown eyes,” Maya said, wrapping Jamie in a towel.

“Can I have brown eyes too?”

“Nope. You’re my blue-eyed baby forever,” Maya smiled. Technically, both of her babies had blue eyes thanks to a recessive gene on the DeLuca side of the family and their blue-eyed donor.

“Mama’s eyes are pretty.”

Maya scooped Jamie into her arms and playfully rocked her back and forth.

“They are, Baby T, you’re very right,” she said, carrying Jamie towards the master bedroom.

Carina was back in bed, Hayden fast asleep on her shoulder, but she looked up as Maya and Jamie walked in, surprisingly awake.

“Who’s right?” She asked, patting Hayden’s back.

“Jamie said you have pretty eyes and I was agreeing,” Maya explained, setting Jamie down and reaching for the clean underwear and PJs Carina had laid out.

Carina hummed, her cheek against Hayden’s curls.

“Grazie, piccolina,” she smiled, patting the mattress next to her so Jamie could climb under the sheets.

There was some adjustment, a quick trip to Jamie’s bedroom so her lupo could join the party, but soon Carina and Maya found themselves lying in bed, each holding a sleeping child, each staring at each other, tired, slightly frustrated, but overwhelmingly happy too.

Jamie lay sprawled on Maya’s chest and Hayden’s tiny body was curled up below Carina’s chin and Maya wondered not for the first time how this was her life.

“We have two kids,” she said, recognizing the wonder in Carina’s face. She felt it too.

“Remember years ago when you asked me if we’d ruined our s-e-x life?”

Maya took Carina’s hand and squeezed. “Regrets?”

“No,” Carina whispered, her smile blinding, “You?”

“Not even one.”