13. Chapter 13

Carina gazed out her windshield at Station 19 and felt her frown growing ever deeper. She reminded herself that she was an adult. That she had obligations regardless of what was happening in her marriage. That Jack and Ben were not to blame for Maya’s current situation.

But it still didn’t change the fact that she really, really did not want to go inside and help with the clinic.

It was already Wednesday, Maya would be home on Friday for their meeting with the social worker, and even though Carina had just seen her wife on Monday, the absence still stung. They were in the midst of something bigger than themselves and Maya was forced to stay away, exiled to the woods, although Carina took comfort in the fact that District Six had brought a smile back to Maya’s face.

She glanced at the passenger seat, eyeing the small stuffed bear she’d brought with her, wondering if she should jam it into her purse and take it inside the station. It was a silly thought, but her heart was hurting and even worse, her anger was clouding her judgment. She needed a clear head to work the clinic. Her patients deserved a clear head.

Carina took the bear from its seat and brought it to her nose, imaging she could smell Maya in its brown fur. She smiled at the memory of how she received the bear in the first place, smiling at the thought of her Maya, her tough, strong Maya who had blushed furiously in the moment.

“One more thing,” Maya said, picking up a bag from the motel room closet. Carina was half-way out the door, but paused as she waited for Maya to do a final check of drawers and the bathroom.

They’d decided that Maya would stay in the motel for the remaining two weeks of her assignment with District Six. She’d be home on weekends, but it was too exhausting to make the drive every day and Carina didn’t want Maya distracted at work.

But it was Saturday night and they were about to leave for Seattle. Maya had left her turnouts at the station and only packed a small overnight bag. She’d have to get a different room upon her return, but the motel happily gave her a reservation at a discount – firefighters never paid full price, they explained.

Carina eyed the plastic bag in Maya’s hand with curiosity. It appeared to be from a grocery store, but clearly contained no groceries.

“What’s that?” She asked, holding the door open.

Maya’s cheeks turned red and she bit her lip, shrugging a little in discomfort.

“I…uh…just some stuff for Jamie,” she said, scratching the back of her neck.

Carina’s held in a sigh, she held in the desire to sweep Maya into her arms and kiss her senseless. They were both being cautious with each other when it came to Jamie. Maya was terrified of hurting Carina and Carina was terrified of pushing Maya. But it was so hard not to take Maya by the shoulders and shake her because it was obvious how much she cared for the baby.

Instead, Carina stood by the door and tilted her head, trying to ease Maya’s embarrassment.

“More firefighter toys?” She laughed, extending her hand.

Maya shook her head and dug into the bag. She pulled out a stuffed Big Foot and smiled wide.

“Just so she knows that I’m in Big Foot country,” Maya explained. She tucked the plush toy under her arm and then reached into the bag again, retrieving a stuffed wolf.

“Un lupo?” Carina was beyond charmed, but again, she held in her desire to grab Maya and tear off her clothes.

“All the other preemies have a giant pile of stuff. I just thought…” she trailed off, shrugging and then put both toys back in the bag.

“She’ll love it, Bambina. She’s very well guarded now. A wolf and a Big Foot and a dinosaur.”

“And a firefighter teddy bear.”

“You’re very cute, Maya Bishop.”

“No, I’m not!” Maya took a step closer to the door, but paused as if trying to decide something. She reached into the bag one more time and pulled out a stuffed black bear.

“A bear too?” Carina was about to gently chide Maya for buying so much except Maya shook her head.

“Not for Jamie. For you,” she said.

“Me?”

“It’s how we met,” Maya held the bear up to her face and wiggled it.

Carina could no longer stand to stay away. She let the door close as she walked towards Maya and then draped her arms over Maya’s shoulders.

“Very cute,” she whispered kissing Maya’s forehead.

“Am not.”

Maya’s lips found Carina’s, silencing anymore protest.

Maya had spent most of her Sunday with Jamie, returning home in a pensive mood that left Carina wanting to ask an endless stream of questions. She chose to stay silent instead. They’d spent the next hours lost in each other, Maya’s hands so needy that Carina wished she could read Maya’s thought through her anxious fingers. She wished she could ease Maya’s worries with her body.

It was now Wednesday. Maya would be home on Friday. And all Carina had to do was survive a clinic day and a few more shifts at the hospital until she could be reunited with her wife.

Setting the bear down again, Carina gathered her purse and left her car, deciding that she didn’t want to bring a piece of Maya into the station. The station that had already taken so many pieces of Maya from them both.

She walked the short path from the parking lot to the front door, bracing herself for whatever the day would bring, but before she could get past the desk, Jack appeared in the lobby pacing back and forth.

His eyebrows rose at the sight of her, and he darted forward, taking her elbow.

“Come with me,” he said in barely a whisper, pulling her towards the stairs. Despite her reservations, she followed, looking around to see if anyone else had noticed Jack’s strange behaviour. He guided her towards the washrooms, peeking over his shoulder, then glancing down the hallway, to the point that Carina was about to pull her arm away and demand answers.

They stumbled through the door and before Carina could say a word, she realized they were not alone. Vic and Ben leaned against the sinks, their faces uncharacteristically serious. Jack locked the door and then exhaled.

“Have you heard from Maya this morning?” He asked.

Carina was overcome with a horrible sense of déjà vu.

“No, she’s on a 48-hour shift…why?”

Jack looked at Vic who crossed her arms and huffed, clearly anxious.

“Beckett has been fired,” she explained, though her serious expression let Carina know that the news was not good.

She turned to Ben who was equally somber.

“We got an email this morning,” he said, “Beckett is leaving 19. And we have a new captain. It’s Andy.”

Carina took in the information, nodding to herself.

Vic grimaced before she spoke again. “We also have a new Battalion Chief.”

“Sullivan,” Jack said, squinting.

Carina rubbed her forehead and then held up her hand, trying to pause any further discussion.

“Let me see if I understand this. Beckett is leaving and Andy is replacing him. But Sullivan has been promoted above Andy?” Carina turned to Jack, knowing that he’d been lieutenant the longest.

“Seems that way,” he said.

“And you all received an email this morning?”

“From Ross,” Vic said.

Carina pulled out her phone and immediately texted Maya.

Carina: You do not have to call. Just tell me you’re okay. If I don’t hear from you, I will call Captain Dale. Just a text.

She knew without a doubt that Maya had seen the email. And judging by Maya’s silence, she was upset. Carina’s worry flared because an upset Maya was a potentially reckless Maya. A Maya who would go on a three-hour run and end up hospitalized with heat stroke.

Carina glanced at Jack and then looked away. A reckless Maya could set her life on fire…

I used to think about dying a lot. When I was younger. Before I met you. Sometimes it still happens…

Carina swallowed hard and tried to keep her fears at bay. She tried to focus on Maya’s strength, on the fact that Maya was far from 19 with people who respected her. With a Captain who understood what it was to be a woman in a job that was still a boy’s club.

She tried to focus on the fact that the Maya who had run to Jack all those years ago was not the same woman who shared her bed, who insisted on wearing her wedding ring every second of every day. The same woman who loved her with a ferocity Carina had never experienced in her life.  

And if Maya wasn’t present to defend herself, Carina would do it for her. Carina would be her protector. She didn’t understand SFD’s bureaucracy. She didn’t know if Maya had any legal grounds to sue. But she was not going to stand by as Station 19 continued to destroy Maya’s dreams.

“You know they’re sleeping together, right?” Carina said, gesturing to the door. She was no longer interested in professionalism or keeping secrets.

Vic raised her eyebrows. “Andy and Sullivan?”

“No,” Carina shook her head, “Sullivan and Ross.”

Jack looked grim. He stared at Ben and then at Vic, whose mouth was open in shock.

“Carina, we can’t just…accuse them of something like that,” Jack said, obviously trying to be diplomatic.

“So they can hurt my wife every day? That’s fine?”

Ben squeezed his eyes shut and groaned. “This is a mess. What are we even supposed to do? Because if what you’re saying is true, Ross just promoted her boyfriend twice and gave Andy the captaincy to…keep her distracted?”

“Should I call Travis and Theo?” Vic raised her phone, but Jack shook his head.

“They’re on Aid Car. We can’t all be locked in the bathroom,” he grumbled.

“Why promote Andy and not you?” Carina asked Jack, trying to work out the complex puzzle of SFD’s chain of command.

Jack shoved his hands in his pockets, clearly uncomfortable. “I don’t think there was much discussion, to be honest.”

“Isn’t there a captaincy test? Maya studies from morning until night,” Carina thought of all the binders Maya carried with her, of all the evenings spent with her face hidden in stacks of paper.

“Yeah – but Andy took it years ago. Before Maya did. I guess the results are still valid?” Jack began pacing again. His nervous energy did little to calm Carina.

Carina stared at the door, suddenly feeling exhausted. There was a lot of information to take in, a lot to think about, and the more she thought about it, the more she understood what was happening. What had already happened.

“They’re burying her,” she whispered to herself, lowering her head.

“What do you mean?” Jack asked.

“She’ll never be promoted again. As long as Ross is Chief, Maya will never have the chance to be captain again. Ross will make sure of it. Maya has always said that Andy wanted the Captaincy more than anything. So now she has it. And she’ll have it until the day she retires. Whether Andy knows about Ross and Sullivan or not, they’ve bought her silence and they’ve blocked Maya’s career.”

An uneasy silence settled over the group. It was interrupted when Carina’s phone vibrated. She eagerly looked at the screen and exhaled when she saw the simple message.

Maya: <3

Carina pressed her hand to her chest and closed her eyes, forcing herself to calm. She wished Maya had called, she wanted to know every single thing Maya was feeling, but she knew her wife well enough to understand that Maya would talk in her own time. Not a minute before.

There were no more words. Carina had nothing left to say and it seemed that she was not alone in the feeling. Vic made her excuses and unlocked the door, likely on her way to contact Theo and Travis. Ben looked more troubled, which Carina understood because Benjamin Warren was a man with a strong sense of morals and even a whiff of unethical behaviour was enough to make him angry.

Jack was clearly upset too, but Jack had been a firefighter longer than Vic or Ben, he’d been a lieutenant for years, and he was a good soldier. He listened to the rules, he obeyed the chain of command. And he was clearly struggling with what to do next.

Eventually, they had to go set-up the clinic. They walked down the stairs to the barn in silence, and each step made Carina feel more and more nauseas. She felt herself torn in two – as a physician, working at Station 19’s clinic was an important part of her job. But as a wife…

She felt as if she was betraying Maya by even entering the building.

As she set up her station, she noticed Andy standing outside of the captain’s office. Even from a distance Carina could make out the double bars on her collars. Andy noticed Carina staring and tipped her head, raising her hand in a small wave. Carina returned the gesture, though she did not miss the firm set of Andy’s mouth.

Most of Station 19 believed that Maya had stepped over Andy to become Captain. They ignored the fact that Maya had passed her Captaincy test. That Sullivan made the recommendation. In their eyes, Andy was the rightful heir to 19 and Maya was a usurper. The nausea became more pronounced, as did the feeling that the walls were closing in.

It was eleven o’clock in the morning. The clinic ran until the mid-afternoon. Carina’s shift at the hospital began at five. She looked around the barn and saw Ben hard at work stacking gauze. Travis had returned at some point and was adjusting a gurney.

There were enough people to run the clinic without her. Leaving would not be neglecting her duties. And she firmly believed that if something didn’t feel good, it was okay to get up and walk away. For her own sanity, for her own health. For her Maya.

The nausea in her stomach forced her hand. She couldn’t stay. She couldn’t stand around and wonder if any of Maya’s colleagues would stand up for her should the time come. Would vouch for her. Carina hated feeling so suspicious, she liked Ben and Vic and Jack and Travis and Theo. She liked Andy.

But had any of them ever supported Maya? Had anyone sent her a text to check in? Did anyone see her pain? Did they care?

They still joked that she’d skipped Andy in line, as if the captaincy of Station 19 was a monarchy and Maya a Shakespearean, back-stabbing villain.

Carina picked up her jacket from a chair and slipped her purse over her shoulder. She left without telling Warren or Travis. She just needed some air.

She found Jack near the front door about to open the clinic for the public.

“I have to leave,” Carina said, holding back all the venom bubbling inside.

“Carina…”

“They are going to get her killed, Jack. They are going to take my wife from me and I won’t allow it. I won’t.”

Jack knew better than anyone how dangerous the job could be. He understood that distraction lead to higher risk, that stress could be deadly. Ross had already sent Maya away once, what was to stop her from purposefully placing her in harm’s way? Of forcing her to obey incompetent leaders like Beckett?

Between Maya’s anger and the department’s obvious dislike for her wife, Carina felt more and more like Maya was one wrong call away from a horrific accident. She could feel her thoughts spiralling, images of Maya alone, abandoned by her team, trapped…

She brushed past Jack, her heart beating too quickly as she nearly ran to her car. It was only when she was sitting behind the wheel, the door firmly closed, that she felt like she could breathe again. That her mind slowed. That she felt her focus return.

Carina picked up the stuffed bear she’d left on the seat and raised it to her nose, once again trying to imagine she could smell Maya. Trying to imagine that Maya was safe wherever she was, that she wasn’t about to do something reckless.

I used to think about dying a lot. When I was younger. Before I met you. Sometimes it still happens,,,

~*~

“One more, Elizabeth, just one more…”

Carina managed to drown out the cries of her patient as she prepped to deliver a healthy baby boy. She squeezed the woman’s leg, but otherwise stayed focus, the cries of I can’t! and the husband’s assurance of you’re doing great nothing more than white noise to Carina. She heard it multiple times a day. She’d heard it endlessly in her career. And while she took each delivery seriously, she was fairly certain that she could deliver babies in her sleep if necessary.

Her father dismissed her work as easy. As unnecessary. But Carina knew he was wrong. Every baby she brought into the world mattered. Every pap smear. Every hysterectomy. Every sexual assault kit. Each and every one mattered.

She felt herself on autopilot as she provided reassurance, as she gently gave instructions, and then she leaned forward, her hands the first to touch a precious new life. It was hard not to smile every time, especially when the baby was healthy. She stood, the screaming infant wriggling in her arms, showing his parents that he was healthy and whole.

It was an uplifting moment in a day that was far from uplifting.

Long after the delivery was over, Carina remained loitering behind the nurse’s station, procrastinating over a chart because she didn’t want to go back to her office. Her office was quiet and the quiet forced her to think and her thoughts were confused and unpleasant.

She had two mammas in the early stages of labour, but otherwise, there were no more patients to see. As an attending and department head, she was within her rights to go home. Jo Wilson could handle her cases. But again, home meant lying in an empty bed, longing for her wife, worrying endlessly.

Before she even gave herself a moment to think about it, Carina placed down her tablet and started walking towards the NICU. Jamie had become her beacon of calm and she’d been longing to see her baby for the better part of the day.

Her baby…

Her patients often asked if she was a parent and she always answered no with a smile. But the answer now caught in her throat because she was not a parent, but every delivery, every happy family she saw, made her need to hold Jamie almost unbearable.

She had a baby. It just wasn’t hers.

It was long after visiting hours were over by the time Carina stepped into the NICU, which meant that Carina had the room to herself. The nurses mostly left her alone, unless Jamie needed a bottle or meds, so Carina never worried about interruptions or other parents staring at her curiously, wondering what the doctor in scrubs was doing cooing at a preemie.

Jamie’s little plastic bin was now surrounded by stuffed animals, each one provided by Maya. While Jamie was still too small and too young to show any favoritism, Carina liked to hold up the different creatures and see how Jamie would react. So far, she seemed especially fascinated by the T-Rex.

Carina frowned as she looked down at the baby, realizing that she was swaddled in a blanket instead of lying in just her diaper as usual. When she picked up Jamie, she found her shaking just a little.

“What is wrong, Picollina?” Carina asked, holding Jamie close to her chest. She flipped open Jamie’s chart, scanning the pages for any updates about Jamie’s PAD. Cormac had started her on a new course of antibiotics and ibuprofen, but Jamie was obviously cold, a sign of circulation troubles. Carina finally sat down and cradled Jamie in her arms.

The baby was fussy, she looked miserable, and Carina could barely stand it.

“Everyone is sad, Jamie,” she said, coasting her lips over Jamie’s forehead, “my Maya is sad and my Jamie is sad.”

Jamie continued to struggle, so Carina loosened the blankets, releasing Jamie’s arms. The baby immediately latched onto Carina’s scrub top with one hand. It felt like she was asking Carina for help, as if she wanted Carina to make everything better.

Rocking back and forth in her chair, Carina forced herself to stay in the present, to stay focused on Jamie. She kissed Jamie’s cheeks and held her hand, worried to find it so cold. With the IV, the sensors, and the nasal canula, Jamie was still so fragile and the sight of her made Carina feel helpless.

Between Maya’s job and Jamie’s health, Carina felt helpless constantly. She hated it.

But she also wasn’t one to wallow. If there was a problem, she wanted to fix it. She didn’t want to sit passively by, waiting for a solution. She wanted to do the work and get results.

She began with Jamie.

Cormac Hayes was an exceptional physician and he was more than capable of monitoring Jamie’s PAD and making decisions about her care. Carina decided to shelve that particular worry and instead concentrated on how much weight Jamie had gained since birth, on all the progress she’d made. The baby in her arms was far different from the preemie she’d pulled from a dying woman in the basement of a burning building.

Hayes had the situation under control, which meant that Carina could temporary shelve her concerns and move to the next problem on her list.

She let her mind shift to Maya.

Inspired by the thought of her wife, Carina reached out and grabbed the stuffed T-Rex, holding it up to see how Jamie would react. Sure enough, Jamie released Carina’s scrub top and set her impossibly small fingers on the T-Rex’s green head.

“Do you miss Maya, mia piccola amore?” She asked, watching as Jamie opened and closed her hand against the dinosaur.

Maya needed help. Not psychiatric help, though that wouldn’t hurt. Carina was proud that Maya had reached out to Dr. Lewis and she planned to encourage more sessions between them. But Maya needed career help. She needed advice from a trusted source. And a big part of the problem was: who could Maya trust?

Maya’s colleagues at Station 19 were still reeling from the day’s news and Carina couldn’t be sure who was an ally and who was a foe. She knew her friends at Grey-Sloan would try to be supportive, but they couldn’t understand the intricacies of SFD or the politics involved.

The realization gave Carina pause. Because there was someone at Grey-Sloan who might understand. Someone who could possibly set her on the right path.

Knowing she had a way forward, knowing there was a next step, finally calmed Carina’s racing thoughts. She glanced at the clock on the wall and exhaled. A few more minutes with Jamie and then it was time to get to work.

~*~

The light in Bailey’s office was on despite the late hour. Carina knocked and waited until she heard Bailey say “come in!”

She took a deep breath and entered.

Bailey looked up from her laptop and smiled at the sight of Carina. While the two rarely worked together, they very much respected each other professionally. Still, Miranda Bailey was an intimidating presence and Carina always found herself a little nervous around her.

“Dr. DeLuca, we’re going over the budget tomorrow, I should have an update on the new ultrasound equipment by end of the week,” Bailey said as Carina took a seat across from her desk.

Carina nodded once, but decided to get straight to the point.

“Thank you, Dr. Bailey, but I’m not here as a physician,” she said.

Bailey furrowed her brow.

“You are married to a firefighter,” Carina explained, “and I am married to a firefighter.”

“Ah, yes. Fools the two of us,” Bailey laughed, and Carina couldn’t help but join in.

“It’s the arms.” Carina pointed to her own bicep.

Bailey shook her head. “Those damn arms.”

“I’m sure Warren has filled you in on Maya’s demotion?”

Bailey had been at their wedding. She’d seen the fallout firsthand. Carina also knew that Miranda Bailey was likely aware of everything, everywhere, like some omniscient, omnipresent tiny deity.

“The demotion. That Beckett character. I thought we had drama over here,” Bailey said, gesturing to the window.

“Have you spoken to him today?”

“About that email?”

“Yes,” Carina sighed, relieved she didn’t need to repeat every detail.

Bailey considered Carina for a moment and then tilted her head, clearly recognizing the stress on Carina’s face.

“How is Maya doing in all of this?” she asked.

Carina realized for the first time that she’d never had the chance to talk about what it was to love a firefighter. Other than her brief chat with Emmett, Carina kept her fears and frustrations to herself. How could anyone else possibly understand the terror and the pride and how it all tangled together?

But Miranda Bailey understood exactly what she was talking about. It was like a weight lifted from Carina’s shoulders.

“Bad. She’s…well, she’s currently away, in another county because Chief Ross apparently hates my wife,” Carina said.

“Benjamin said they made her wait an entire year for her hearing.”

“Hearing?” Carina shook her head, the anger rising, “there was no hearing. Chief Ross pulled her aside in the barn and called her insubordinate. That’s why I’m here. I need some advice. Because no one else can possibly understand this…”

Bailey leaned forward in her chair, resting her elbows on the desk.

“How can I help, Carina?”

“Chief Ross and Robert Sullivan are sleeping together. She seems to be granting him favours and, in the meantime, she’s destroying Maya’s career. She…she blamed her for Andrea’s death…”

Saying it out loud was surprisingly painful. Carina felt the grief rise up and it shocked her how quickly it could surface, how suddenly it slithered around her lungs and filled her with aching, frigid, sadness.

Carina could see the shock on Bailey’s face too.

“What would you do if it was Warren?” Carina asked, “If he was being treated like this? I don’t know the legalities, I don’t even know if there’s anything that can be done, but what would you do? Because I’m afraid I’m going to lose my wife, Miranda. Maybe I’m over-reacting or exaggerating…but it doesn’t feel like I am. You know how dangerous it is for them – and if Maya is ordered to do something or if the team doesn’t have her back…”

Bailey stood up and circled the desk. She perched against it, settling in front of Carina, and then reached out her hand to squeeze Carina’s shoulder.

“If it was Benjamin? I would move heaven and earth to keep him safe. When he became a firefighter I was so terrified that I made him move out of the house. The fear was so much that even looking at him made me feel like I was going to come apart,” Bailey said.

Carina hid her surprise at the confession.

Bailey continued speaking, her voice strong with resolve. “I’d start with HR. Get some information. It’s Maya’s choice, of course, but this is putting the entire station in danger. It sounds like Chief Ross has made this personal, and I don’t know the woman obviously, but bringing your family into this?”

Bailey pursed her lips and shook her head.

It felt good to have someone affirm her feelings. It felt good to know that wasn’t completely off base with her worries.

“Maya is afraid that this will destroy the station. She’s always put 19 first, even when they didn’t deserve to be first,” Carina said.

She would never forget the day Maya cried in her arms, the day she repeated I’m the truck over and over.

It was the day Carina had realized that she was falling in love with Maya Bishop. And it was also the first time Carina had seen how painful Maya found her team’s dejection.

“Benjamin isn’t home until tomorrow morning, but I’m going to speak with him, get his view on things. But if I know my husband, if something isn’t legal? He’ll be up in arms,” Bailey said.

Carina was touched by her kindness, by her allyship.

She glanced at the clock on the wall and frowned, knowing she had to go home to an empty bed. All she wanted was Maya.

“Thank you, Miranda. It’s hard to know who to trust.”

“Hmm. We did this to ourselves, you know? Why couldn’t we fall in love with some dermatologists? Had to be firefighters,” Bailey wondered aloud.

Carina laughed. “It’s the arms.”

“Those damn arms!”

A dark apartment awaited. Carina knew that talking to Bailey was only a small step down the road to helping Maya. But she felt better knowing that at least she was on the road, that at least she’d made some movement. She felt clearer, some of her confusion replaced with resolve because Miranda Bailey was a wise woman and Benjamin Warren was a decent man. She was relieved to have them in her corner.

What happened next would be Maya’s decision.