Chapter 45

TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM. (SPG)

"Hindi ba pwede dito mo na lang sabihin?" I wanted to cry now so bad because of nervous. Bakit ba kailangan nya pang patagalin? Mas kinakabahan lang ako sa ganito.

"We're near." Tama ang sinabi nya dahil ilang minuto lang ay narating na namin ang Coffee Shop na sinasabi nya. This time, it's not his.

Mabilis lang kaming nakapasok at nakahanap nang upuan. He's gentle and he pushed his chair from me at talagang inalalayan pa ako paupo. Talagang nakaka panibago ang kinikilos nya ngayon.

"So?" Hindi na talaga ako mapakali at ako na ang bumasah nang katahimikan namin.

"I just want us to be civil." His first word shocked me.

I bit my lowerlip and looked away. I felt a sting on my chest. Still waiting for his continues words, but nothing came up.

"After you're got rejected, you realize that we must be like friend's? Stranger?" Pinagloloko na nya ako?

"No it's not like that. But for now." he emphasized. "I even thought that proposing you is the way of pressuring you. I'm so sorry. I even not thinking about myself when I'm with you. I'm still dissapointing as ever. Like what my parents felt when I just wanted to do what I want because I'm not a hero."

Hindi ako nag salita at palihim na nagulat nang hindi nya sinasadyang buksan ang topic mula sa parents nya.

"You know what? I tried so many times too end myself because I was the dissapointing of their eyes. I can't feel their love anymore. I tired my best to understand them but pressuring me was not a good idea. It was all on me. I don't have siblings and I only knew one cousin, the girl and she's young to be involved of my family. I was not happy and I became a rebel son. My mom's always cry in front of me and shouted me that I was always dissapointing. I don't see what ways I am dissapointing. It is because I can't protect all? That's stupid." He laughed sarcastically. "And of course, I'm an asshole and my mind was so occupied. I tried to save you from the enemy, that's the only way I could do to not dissapointing you. But I still failed Krish.

I have no ways to go home now. I used myself to get fooled. I almost gave up from them but all I could think is you. I am disappointed of myself to hurt you and leaving you without a choice, without telling you a reason. I even know my friends is not blaming me but I can see their eyes, I onky was the one to blame.

And you. You're blaming me for everything." My lips parted when his tears started to fall in his eyes. "But I can't get mad at you. You're hurting too, we both hurting. We both suffering. I still not giving up because I only have myself. I'm still hoping and maybe, I only leave for myself. I even tired of myself, I don't find any hopes for me to continue. And now, I only think that this will be okay if we just separated, so you will think about yourself and I'll think about mine.

I'm not saying these just to making you feel guilt. I'm saying this because I wanted you to know me more. I failed so many times, I don't want to be a failure in your eyes. I'm tired to be a failure to your eyes. I just wanted to be love and to understand. I just wanted someone to stay with me even though I'm broken inside. But I caused you too much pain too. I couldn't find someone to blame but me."

I stood up and run into him before covering him and hugged him tightly. "I'm so sorry." I whispered and told the waiter just to take it out before dragging him with me after paying the coffee and bread.

He's still crying when I was driving at the park. Hindi sya pwedeng umiyak lang ng umiyak sa coffee shop at baka pagtinginan lang kami doon.

Pasikip nang pasikip ang dibdib ko nang marinig ang mga hikbi nya. Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko. I was willing to sacrifice and changed my decision if he will let me in into his life and I'll be the one who help him now.

I parked his car at the near parking lot. "Do you have a picnic blanket?" Tanong ko nang kumalma na sya.

He looked at me first and I void his eyes. Hindi ko uata kayang tignan ang namumula nyang mata galing sa pag iyak. "Yes." He whispered.

Tumango ako at binuksan ang back door nang kotse nya. Nagulat ako nang may nakahandang mga pagkain doon at parang iyon na nga ang plano nya bago nya pa ako ayain. It's like a coincidence.

I even saw two canvas and the acrylic paint. Nagugulat ko syang tinignan nang maalala ang lahat.

"I almost forgot. Matagal lang naka tambak sa bahay ko yan kaya dinala ko na lang para magamit." Sabi nya at kinuha ang canvas doon matapos kunin ang ibang pagkain bago mauna sa akin umalis.

Kinuha ko na lang ang inumin matapos matulala bago isara iyon at sumunod sa kanya. It's almost sunset kaya umupo na ako sa picnic matt. I also suddenly remember someone.

Ipinilig ko nalang ang ulo ko dahil hindi naman sya iyong kasama ko noon. We watched the sun slowly going down. Tahimim lang kami habang pinapanood ang pagbaba nang araw.

"Do you mind to say something?" He asked me like this is the last day that we will met!

I looked at him. "Wala naman, nakita lang namin iyong kapatid ni mama pati iyong asawa, sila pala yung nagpapadala ng pera samin. At tsaka, noong past 7 years puro iyak at trabaho lang ang ginawa ko kasama si Azure. I was running away from you, I even think that I'll moved on into you and love him instead. But I still fail. Iyong kahit sinaktan mo na ako nang paulit ulit, mahal pa rin kita." Nagulat sya sa sinabi ko at nag iwas ng tingin kaya natawa ako. "I don't regret anything, I just regret that I need to hurt him because I always love you more. I can't love someone without thinking of you. I don't think that I'll love another man in my life after what've you did to me. It was enough for me to feel the pain once. I don't think I can handle it twice. I was abandoned because of my love for you. That's what I've found that I don't have a freedom to love someone. I almost got killed but Azure was there to keep me safe. Your enemy was following me, and I always run to every country, every year. To escaped and to forget you. But I still failed."

"But I'm okay now. Our friends help us to have a conversation again. I slowly accepting everything. And I hope, you continue to forgive yourself either. There's always a second chance. Don't lose hope. We love you, I love you. We or I, are only here to guide you Lex. Think of it before saying good bye to us. Don't let them hurt because of you again. Tama na iyong ako lang ang nasaktan mo, wag mo nang idamay pa ang iba."

I can feel that he was shutting down. And I tired to save him from my words.

"This will be the last time for us to see each other. And thank you, for opening up to me Krish. I always love you." He smiled at kissed my forehead before hugging me side ways.

We watch the sun dissapeared. I keep my mouth silent because I could feel that I should stay at him. I only cooperate what he wants to do for us. We painted our hands and placed it to the canvas. I smiled when he took a picture to me and requesting a pose like a model. I also took picture of him, us, and the canvas we made.

We're happy, we talked a lot more. "I guess, this is it."

I got nervous again. This is it? What does it mean?

We drove back home when the evening comes. Nag stay pa sya sa bahay at nakikain. Kami lang halos dalawa nang nandito dahil kinasal na ang kapatid ko.

"Are you happy?" He asked randomly while we are eating.

"Bakit mo naman naitanong?" Kinakabahan na sabi ko, hindi na ako mapakali sa kanya dahil nakakaramdam ako ng kakaiba.

"I wanted you to be happy without me, we choose to separate again to help ourselves and to heal right?" Paninigurado nya.

Hindi nga naman masama ang isipin ang sarili pero bakit parang iba ang ipinupunto nya? I was started to think negatively. Kaya nung nagpaalam syang may kukunin sa kwarto ko ay dali dali akong lumabas nang bahay.

I have the keys from him para kunin iyong bulaklak na bigay nya kanina sa akin. It's a bouque. Nakangiti kong kinuha iyon at inamoy pa bago i lock ang sasakyan nya.

Nilagay ko na muna iyon sa living room nang makasalubong ko sya. He hugged me backwards and kissed my head. "I will miss you from afar. Thanks for realizing things to me. I always love you. I don't regret from loving you at first. You're always my queen."

Umalis na sya pagkatapos noon. There's not text from him na nakauwi na sya. But I suddenly remember that this will the start of us seperately. I wanted to bad to willing to stay but it seems he's good for it. It was the first time that he understood my situation too. But I can't help to worrying about him from time to time.

I run into my room and tried to call him using his phone number. I was relieved that his phone still ringing. It's 12 am and I can't sleep without thinking of him.

After calling him many time, he's still not answering his phone. Sinubukan ko pa ulit nang mamatay iyon ngunit nakapatay na ang phone nya nang subukan ko ulit syang tawagan.

My lips parted and I started to panic. My instinct was telling me something.

I onyl found myself driving fastly as I can to arrive at his house while my anxiety is eating me.

"Please save him." I whispered as I stepped the brake to drive fastly.

I save you..

To be continued...