Chapter 41

Brittany tried to focus on what her mother was saying, but she couldn't. Santana was in the kitchen with Ashley, which was normal, but before she'd sat down she'd seen Santana toss the donut Ashley had forced into her mouth into the trash. She'd turned to sit before her brain had processed what she'd seen, but now that it had, she couldn't focus on anything else. On its own, spitting out a piece of donut wasn't weird, but when Brittany couldn't remember the last time she'd seen Santana eat, it became worrying.

"Just a second mum..." she said, placing her drink on the coffee table and standing up. Santana was sitting on the counter now, while Ashley was squatting in front of the oven, trying to peek a the cookies inside.

"They ready?" Santana asked.

"Nope" Ashley stood up. "They're taking forever."

"But they'll be worth it."

"So worth it."

"Hey guys" Brittany said. Santana turned to her with a smile.

"Hey babe."

"How's the baking going in here?"

"Going." Ashley groaned.

"Good, good" Brittany said absently. "So um, what are you guys thinking of having for dinner?"

She watched Santana closely. Her stomach dropped when she caught the slight grimace Santana gave before her face went blank and she shrugged.

"I don't really care."

"Me neither" Ashley said. Brittany glanced at her before turning back to Santana.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah B" Santana smiled. "Whatever you want."

"What if we ordered from that mexican place you like? We could do like fajitas or something."

Again, there was that grimace, though Santana hid it better this time.

"Sure. Sounds good babe."

Brittany wanted to cry. She wanted to wrap her arms around Santana and hug her, but also grab her shoulders and shake her. She should have seen the signs earlier, after Santana had talked about her weight maybe. She should have been paying more attention. Now there was no telling how long she'd been like this for.

"Okay I'll order then. I'll order a lot cause I know how much you love that place."

"Yup you know me..." Santana chuckled. She jumped off the counter and placed a soft kiss on Brittany's cheek. "I'll be right back."

When dinner arrived, Brittany watched Santana closely. Even though her parents were intent on talking her ear off, she made sure to keep an eye on Santana. She took note of how many bites she took and that she swallowed every one. By the end of dinner, when Santana had eaten two and a half fajitas, Brittany allowed herself to relax. Maybe she was just being paranoid and imagined the signs. She finally allowed herself to actually engage with her parents. She told them about their plans for the boys' birthday and how she thought she may never eat cake again because of how much she'd had to sample over the past week.

"Can you imagine saying you'd had too much cake when you were younger?" Pierce laughed.

"No" Said honestly. "I used to think there was no such thing as too much cake."

"That's cause there isn't" Ashely said, shaking her head. "You should have brought me with you to sample the cake."

"You have school Ash" Susan reminded her.

"But this is important. It's my nephews' first birthday."

"They do only turn one once Susan" Santana said, smirking.

"Oh come now. It's not their birthday you would be missing school for."

"But cake tasting is just so fun!"

They ate the cookies that Santana and Ashley had made, and Brittany even saw Santana eat two. Everything was fine, she told herself, despite the fact that she still had a gnawing feeling inside her.

When her parents left she walked them out to their car, promising to let them babysit every day leading up to the party. When she came back in Santana wasn't in the living room or kitchen, but neither were the twins, so assumed Santana had taken them up to bath. She washed her hands in the kitchen sink, and then dragged herself upstairs, suddenly feeling tired. Before entering her room she decided to peep into the bathroom to see how it was going, but it was empty. Frowning, she made her way to the twins room, wondering if they were already done bathing, but instead of finding Santana singing to the boys while she dressed them like she usually did, she found them both in one crib, Kyler's with a few toys scattered around them.

"What are you boys doing in there?" Brittany wondered out loud. They both turned to her, getting excitedly to their feet. Jesús bounced a few times as he held up his arms.

"Where's mami baby?" she picked him up, then picked Kyler and wandered to her room.

The second the opened the door, she froze. Those sounds were so familiar to her, like a nightmare she'd had all through high school. the retching and the chocking, and then the spitting and groaning. She'd heard it all before. Her heart felt like it had been stabbed as she quickly spun around and made her way back to the twins' room.

"Let's get you cheeky boys in the bath." she said, trying not to cry.

Guess she hadn't been imagining it after all.

**********************************************************************************

With just a few days to her sons' first birthday, Brittany was getting anxious. They had planned everything out, and with Eve's help she knew nothing was going to go wrong, but she was worried about Santana. She was now keeping a diary of how often Santana was eating, and what. She was scared every time Santana went to the bathroom, wondering if she was in there making herself throw up. She almost wanted to take time off so she could stay home and watch Santana.

The only reason she hadn't brought up her concerns directly to Santana, was because she was scared of overwhelming her. She already been hounding her about her problems with her mother, and maybe finding a therapist to help her sort through them, so she didn't want to get into this too. Especially since Santana had promised her she'd already found a therapist and would start going after the birthday party. Truthfully, she was scared that the situation with her mother and the resurgence of her eating disorder were connected in some way, so she felt slightly guilty, since she was the one that had urged Santana to deal with her feelings towards her mother.

But the way Santana's hip bones were jutting out at her bikini, while sexy, only served to stress Brittany out more. True, she wouldn't be able to tell that Santana had lost the weight if she didn't know what was going on, she'd have just thought she looked great. Cause she did. But it wasn't like she didn't look great before, and Santana was already such a small person.

"Baby" Santana called, pulling Brittany out of her thoughts. Brittany blinked.

"Yeah"

"Will you take over for me?"

Brittany nodded, pulled off her shirt and jumped into the pool. Both boys shrieked happily as she emerged from the water, brushing the stray hair out of her face.

"Thanks" Santana kissed her gently. "I need the bathroom."

Brittany's heart rate picked up as she watched Santana swim to the edge of the pool. She almost called out to stop her, but there was a splash next to her, drenching the side of her face.

"Sir!" She shouted, lightly splashing Jesús back. "You want to start a war?"

"Britt…"

"I'm gonna get you! Cheeky!" She splashed Jesús again, then dove under the water and tickled his feet. When she came up they were both screaming excitedly. "I'm gonna get yo-"

"Brittany…"

Brittany turned, not sure if she'd imagines Santana calling her, because of how quiet and weak it sounded. Her heart stopped when she saw Santana on the floor in the kitchen.

"SANTANA!" She yelled, scrambling out of the pool. She glanced at Jesús and Kyler, but decided that they were better off in the pool for now. Their floaters were secure, and if she tried to take them out they'd throw tantrums and keep her from helping Santana. She ran into the kitchen and dropped down beside Santana. "What happened, did you fall?"

"I just…I'm feeling a little weak. I don't know what happened."

Brittany put Santana's arms around her shoulder and hoisted her up, supporting her weight all the way to the living room.

"I'll be right back don't move." She said seriously, her panic draining away into anger. Santana nodded, dropping her head back on the couch.

Brittany went back to the pool, taking Jesús and Kyle out. As expected, they cried and fought her all the way to the living room, where she dropped them into their play pen.

She went back into the kitchen and got a bottle of water from the fridge, and a banana from the fruit basket. Once she was back in the living room she handed both to Santana.

"I'm not hun-"

"Eat it." She cut Santana off.

Eyes wide, Santana took the banana from her and pealed it. Brittany sat down beside her and sighed heavily.

"Santana you can't do this."

"What?"

Brittany slowly turned to her, frowning.

"Seriously?"

"Britt I-"

"You're gonna keep lying to me?" Brittany stood up. 'You're actually going to keep lying to me after what just happened?"

"I don't know wha-"

"You don't know what happened" Brittany nodded, turning away from Santana. She ran her hand over her wet hair, then shook off the water. "Bull shit"

"Brittany!" Santana gasped.

Brittany spun to face her.

"You collapsed Santana. You're weak because you either don't eat all day, or throw up whatever you did eat. I bet you're feeling light headed right now."

Santana looked down at the banana, which she had yet to take a bite of.

"It means you're about to faint."

"I'm fine."

"Oh are you?" Brittany scoffed. "Don't forget I was there. All through high school, while you did the exact same thing. When you were all of a sudden too weak to be at the bottom of the pyramid, or when you started getting tired after running a couple laps and need to sit down. I was there Santana."

"Brittany I'm fine. I just…I slipped on the water and am feeling a little tired. That doesn't mean-"

"You're lying to me"

Santana stared up at her, breathing hard. Brittany knew what was going on inside her head. They'd been through it before, and Santana had explained it. There was a fear attached to the disease, that whispered in your ear that no one should ever find out. It didn't matter if you wanted to tell someone what was going on, the disease didn't let you.

Brittany let out a log breath and sat down next to Santana, taking her hand.

"It's okay." She breathed. "I'm not mad that you're lying to me. I know you don't mean to."

Santana went back to staring at the banana.

"Are you going to eat it?"

She saw Santana swallow, a look of pain crossing her face.

"I want to."

Brittany nodded. "But?"

"Probably not."

They didn't talk about it. Instead Santana drank the water, and then Brittany pulled her down into her lap. She stroked her hair and watched Jesús and Kyler, who had finally stopped crying and were now playing with building blocks. They stayed that way until it was time for the boys' nap, which Brittany volunteered to handle on her own.

It took her an hour to get them to sleep, and then she had finished, Santana had left the house.

*****

Santana came back after dark on purpose. She didn't want to catch Brittany in the middle of the boys' bedtime routine, cause with the way she was feeling she didn't think she'd be able to help. When she walked into the house it was quiet, with all the lights off downstairs. She took a deep breath.

Brittany was in their room, sitting at the dressing table in her towel, her wet hair tied up in a bun.

Their eyes locked through the mirror.

"Hey" she said quietly.

Brittany didn't answer. She broke eye contact and looked down. Santana saw that she was filing her nails.

"Britt…"

"Yes?"

Santana sighed. She walked to the bed and climbed onto it.

"I'm sorry."

Brittany turned to face her.

"Where did you go?"

"The office."

Brittany raised an eyebrow.

"Well…I drove around for a while, then I went the office."

"Why?"

"To get this" she held up a small blue business card.

"What is that?"

Santana looked down at it, turning it over in her hands.

"I think I need help."

Brittany stood up, walking to stand in front of her, and taking the card.

"Oh" she said quietly. Santana nodded. "Is this the one you booked fo-"

"I didn't book her."

"What?"

"I never called any therapists. I got some cards and references, but…I never called any."

Brittany nodded slowly, handing back the card. "So you lied to me."

"Yeah" Santana said quietly. "I'm sor-"

"It's okay." Brittany cut her off, taking her hand. "It's okay, because you're going to get help now."