Chapter 37

Brittany stood in the doorway to Santana's studio and listened to the song she was silently singing. She was sitting by the piano, absentmindedly playing some chords while Jesús and Kyler slept on a mat on the floor beside her. Usually by now, Brittany would have made her presence known, but there was something about the way Santana was singing, something about the lyrics of the song, that were keeping her rooted to the spot.

"Urgh….ok…how about…" Santana said aloud. Brittany thought for a moment she was the one being addressed, but Santana simply scratched something off on the book in front of her, wrote something else, and then played a new chord. "Unbreak the broken, unsay these spoken words, find hope in the hopeless, hold me I'm a trainwreck" as she finished the line, she shook her head and crossed what she had just written out. "Ok let's start from the beginning, maybe that'll fix it."

She sat up straight and began to play the piano. Brittany couldn't help thinking that it was one of the most beautiful songs Santana had ever written. It was slow, and sad, and the melody she was playing on the piano was simple, but somehow so profound.

"I don't wanna lose it, but I'm not getting though this, hey, should I pray? Should I pray yeah….to myself? To a god? To a savior who can, unbreak the broken, unsay these spoken words, find hope in the hopeless, pull me out, the trainwreck" she jumped up from her chair and threw a fist in the air in silent victory.

"That sounds so amazing" Brittany said quietly, but Santana jumped nearly a foot in the air none the less. She turned around clutching her heart.

"Brittany, you scared the crap out of me"

"Sorry" Brittany said, just as quietly. "It sounds beautiful" Santana sat back down and wrote down in the book.

"Thank you" she said, without looking up.

"It's sad" It wasn't a question or a criticism, just an observation. Santana nodded. They were silent for a while, Santana facing the piano, but not playing, and Brittany standing in the doorway, playing with the hem of her shirt.

"What's it called?" Brittany asked to break the awkward silence. She saw Santana sigh and braced herself for the fight she knew was coming. She didn't have to wait long.

"What do you want?" Santana asked, standing up and facing her.

"I want us to talk about it. We can't just be mad-"

"I'm allowed to be mad" Santana cut in, glancing down at the sleeping babies.

"Yes, you are allowed to be mad. I was going to say that we can't just be mad at each other forever. We need to talk about it." Santana clenched her jaw and looked back down.

"Fine" she said after a minute. "But I just got them to sleep so we can't do it here."

"Just now? It's four o'clock"

"I know that Brittany. But wouldn't you know…it takes a while to get two hyper active infants to sleep on your own" Santana said coldly, bending to pick up Kyler. Brittany sighed heavily.

"I didn't-"

"Whatever, let's just get them to bed." Santana walked out of the room without even looking at Brittany.

With both boys in their cribs, and a baby monitor sitting on the coffee table, Santana stood by the door to the pool, watching the still water. Brittany stood awkwardly by the couch, trying to think of the best way to begin the conversation. They were silent for nearly ten minutes before anyone spoke.

"I'm sorry" Brittany finally said. Santana didn't react. "Santana will you look at me please?" Santana turned slowly, crossing her arms over her chest. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it"

"To which 'it' are we referring?" Santana began sarcastically. "When you said that I'm an obsessive, over-protective mother who picked a favourite son and is ignoring the other? Or when you said that I'm basically a stay at home mum who can't understand the burdens of an actual job?"

"I didn't say either of those things," Brittany said, trying not to get frustrated. "But both. I know that Jesús can be more…he needs more attention sometimes. Don't you think I know that?"

"If you know that, then why did you make it seem like I would rather be walking around with him on my hip all day than watching him learn to walk and crawl around with his brother? Why did you basically accuse me of loving that he always wants to be held, and saying that I barely spend any time with Kyler?"

"I just think that picking him every time he asks for it, is just teaching him that it works. He's never going to develop other ways of soothing himself."

"So what Brittany?" Brittany noted that the control in Santana's voice was wavering. "I'm his mother. So what if being in my arms makes him feel better, as opposed to sucking his fingers or becoming attached to some blanket or stuffed animal?"

"I'm his mother too Santana" Brittany said, some hurt in her voice. Santana had to physically restrain herself from rolling her eyes. She decided to ignore the comment altogether.

"He's in pain Brittany. When we realised he was fine and just being cheeky, I put a stop to it. I went along with your plan, and he stopped. But this is different. He's in pain, and when he's in pain, he likes to be held, and kissed and sang to. I can do all those things, so I'm not going to stop just because-"

"Because what? Just because I think it might have some future consequences? Like a six year old who has issues going to school because he's going to be away from his mothers? Because my opinion means nothing?"

Santana tightened her arms around her chest and took a deep breath. "I was going to say just because it might mean that we have to put a bit more effort into making him independent the older he gets." Brittany scoffed, and Santana bit her tongue, reminding herself of the promise she made to herself long ago, to never insult Brittany. "When we brought them home, we knew that we were going to have to act differently towards them Brittany. We prepared ourselves for how hard it was going to be but we talked about it. We knew that the same parenting styles don't work for all children, and a lot of parents with twins make the…" she stopped before saying 'mistake' knowing it would just make the situation worse. Quickly covering up her slip, she thought of another word. "Decision…to raise them the same, like they are the same, but we know they aren't."

Brittany didn't seem to have noticed what Santana had been about to say, but she still didn't look happy. "So you're saying you're a better parent than me?" Santana shook her head, but Brittany didn't let her speak. "You're saying I'm a bad mum because I treat them like they're the same person?"

"I didn't say that" Santana nearly yelled. She ran a hand through her hair. "I didn't say you're a bad mum, Jesús. All I'm saying is that Kyler may be able to soothe himself, and may not need to be held even if he'd like it, but Jesús does, and telling me not to do it, or to do it less, just isn't right. I'm sorry, but it isn't. And while I'm perfectly okay with your decision not to do it, I will. When I think he's back to just being a brat, I'll go back to crawling around on the floor with him, and pushing him around the house in the walker."

"I've already said that I understand that Jesús needs more attention than Kyler. And obviously, I'm not saying that we need to treat them the same, but even though they aren't the same person, they are the same age. There are still two of them Santana."

"I know that" Santana said defensively.

"Well you're not acting like it. You're acting like Kyler is older than Jesús, and able to just roam around by himself. You're acting like he's not also a ten month old baby."

"Kyler loves being able to move around the house. It's not like I'm leaving him crying in his room, or not paying attention to him. I spend most of the time I'm not in the studio on the fucking floor these days, because I want to be able to play with Kyler even if I am holding Jesús. Maybe you'd prefer I cut out the studio time all together-"

"DON'T" Brittany yelled.

"What?" Santana said harshly, uncrossing her arms and taking a step forward. "You said it last night." She pointed at Brittany. "You said 'what's the point of working from home if you aren't going to take care of them?' You walk in after spending the whole day at work, and start yelling at me because you find them asleep in the living room-"

"Alone" Brittany interjects, "and I'm not gone all day."

"What's the difference between leaving them to sleep alone upstairs like we have right now, and me leaving them to sleep in the living room while I work in the studio? I had the monitor, and the gate to every staircase was closed, the doors and windows were all locked. Tell me what exactly the difference is." Santana glared at Brittany, something that happened so rarely, and it made Brittany realise that the point of the conversation had been lost. She took a deep breath.

"There's no difference ok? I just walked in and saw them and I got freaked out, and I over-reacted. I'm sorry." She said, looking straight into Santana's eyes. After a moment, she saw the brown eyes soften, and all at once felt like she could breathe a bit easier. "Look…we both know that we think the other is an amazing parent right?" she asked, sitting down. Santana sighed.

"Yeah"

"Ok, so the first thing we need to do from now on, is to stop thinking that any conversation about something one of us does with the kids is an attack on our parenting."

Santana nodded and moved to sit on the armrest of the couch Brittany was sitting on. "Ok…that's fair."

"Secondly, we both greatly admire each other's' jobs. Personally, I'm so glad that you have a job that lets you be at home when I can't. It means one of us can be here with the boys and we don't have to watch them be raised by some crazy nanny who gets too attached and tries to kidnap them."

Santana tried, but couldn't stop the corner of her mouth from lifting in a small smile.

"I know" she said. "You said that when I offered."

"I don't say it enough. I know it would be easier for you to go in to work and be with your team and your band, but you decided not to, and I'm so grateful that you did. I think we've both been trying to adjust to the new normal. We're used to both being here, and having nothing to do but play with them and watch them sleep. It's been hard for me not knowing what they're doing or how they are for four whole hours."

"I know B" Santana said, sliding down to the couch. The nickname didn't go past Brittany, and she knew that they were done being mad at each other.

"I think actually….that I'm a little jealous of you. I know if I held Jesús he wouldn't complain, but I think I messed up back when he was a baby, and now he knows somehow that I don't think he should be held all the time. So he doesn't ask me. He doesn't come snuggle with me the way he used to. He doesn't automatically want me to hold him when he isn't feeling good, he wants you, because you've always been the one to do it. Since he was tiny and refused to sleep."

"Britt. He's still a baby. You could hold him all the time if you wanted to. He'd love it."

"Yeah, but it's too late now. I'm gone for a lot of the time he's awake-"

"Don't be silly Britt. You're only gone for four hours. That's nothing."

They were silent for a while.

"You know I don't think you're a housewife" Brittany said quietly. Santana looked at her and smiled. She turned and crawled the space between them, then threw her leg over Brittany's to straddle her.

"I know B" she leaned in and kissed her, letting go of all the tension and anger from the 24 hours they had been fighting. When they parted, Brittany had a goofy grin on her face, her eyes dark with lust. "I'd be a hot housewife though."

Brittany nodded, licking her lips, and then biting playfully at Santana's bottom one. She wrapped her hands around her waist and pulled her in for a long, deep kiss, gently rocking her hips into Santana's. When the need to breathe became overwhelming, she trailed kisses down Santana's neck, using the fingers she had entwined with her hair to pull Santana's head to the side, giving her better access. Santana let out a low moan when she bit gently on the skin below her ear.

"You'd be a fucking sexy housewife" Brittany whispered, letting her lips brush the shell of Santana ear.

"Fuck" Santana said, jumping up from Brittany's lap, her chest heaving. Brittany blinked and looked up at her in confusion.

"What's happening?" she asked, her voice husky.

"I want to fuck you so bad" Santana all but growled. Brittany felt a jolt in her stomach at the words.

"Great, so come back-"

Santana shook her head.

"I want to fuck you so bad. I want you to cum over and over again until we're both sweaty and out of breath and need a shower." Santana said, her eyes raking over Brittany's body as if determining how best to rid her of her clothes. Brittany visibly shuddered.

"Ok…s-so why did you get up?" Brittany asked.

"Because our sons' toys are all over the room, and all it's doing is reminding me that our sons are always in here."

"They aren't here now" Brittany whined, reaching for Santana's hand. Santana pulled away and took a step back.

"They will be though. And Jesús is going to be touching those cushions as he tries to throw them around the room, and Kyler is going to be lying on the floor as he watches his show, and they're both going to be holding the table as they pull themselves up, and they're probably going to lick it. Lord knows I've seen Ky lick this couch dozens of times. I've seen Jesús bite the cushions you're currently leaning on, because the fabric feels good against his gums."

Brittany took a while to process what Santana was saying, but as soon as she did, she stood up and dragged Santana out of the room, nearly making her fall as she climbed the stairs.

"Why didn't you just say 'bedroom?'" she said, taking the stairs to their room two at a time. Santana just shook her head.

"Silly me" she mumbled, letting Brittany pull her into their room and close the door.

*********************************************************************************

(Flashback)

"¿Qué diablos es ese ruido? Es muy temprano en la mañana para ese tipo de ruido."

"Lo siento, mami"

"Santana, ¿eres tú quien hace ese ruido? ¿Estás intentando robar mi coche?"

"No papi, es Brittany."

"Dile que deje de hacer eso. Santana Marie le dices que pare..."

The echoing sound of the door slamming cut off Maribel's next words.

Santana sprinted down the driveway of her house and vaulted into the open passenger door. She screamed.

"I knoowww" Brittany screamed back.

"Oh my god!" Santana screamed, looking at Brittany with the greatest respect.

"I KNOW" Brittany yelled again. Santana shut the door, looking wearily at her house.

"Maybe we should go. My parents aren't too pleased." She told Brittany, throwing her bag into the bag seat.

"Your wish is my command lady Lopez" Brittany said, putting the car in reverse and backing onto the street.

"So cool" Santana said, watching everything with wide eyes. "This car is so cool! Quinn Fabray and Noah Puckerman can SUCK IT" she said, finally turning in her seat and putting on her belt.

"Totally" Brittany replied, rolling down the window and poking her head out.

"What are you doing?" Santana asked.

"Checking to make sure it's clear"

"That's what the mirrors are for B"

"Yeah I know, but this is easier."

"If you never use them you'll never get used to them" Brittany shrugged.

"So how does it feel to be driving?" Santana asked, barely able to keep the jealousy out of her voice.

"Fantastic. My mum's been going everywhere with me to make sure I'm actually a safe driver, and that I won't wrap myself around a poll….though I'm not really sure what stripping has to do with it." Santana grinned, but didn't correct her. "So this is the first time I'm driving on my own, and I'm pretty sure it's only cause I said I was coming to pick you up, so I won't be in the car alone, even though you can't drive."

"Legally. I can so drive. I've been driving since I was 13" Brittany frowned. "My abuela likes to send me to the store." Santana shrugged.

"Think of all the places we could go. Oh my gosh! We could totally drive anywhere we wanted. We could go on road trips. I've always wanted to go on a road trip with you S." Santana continued to smile all the way to school as Brittany listed off all the places they could go.

***

"All I know is that she's a total fucking mess and it's embarrassing as hell." Santana said, rolling her eyes and jumping out of the car. "I think Mercedes mentioned something about Finn and Rachel being broken up or something…or was it Rachel and Jessie….I didn't really care, but some cheerleaders were saying they heard her crying about how she wished Finn was the father of her baby, cause Puck's a spazz…" she scoffed. "I mean no shit. Puck's a fucking idiot, but Finn isn't all that better. He's so…." She grimaced.

"I know" Brittany said, jumping out of the car and walking over to Santana's side with both their bags. She wanted to ask why Santana still hooked up with him if Puck was such an idiot, and especially after what happened to Quinn, but they had almost fought about it once already, and she didn't want a repeat, so she avoided the topic. "Between all the relationship drama, and the fact that only five of us can dance, I have no idea how Mr Shue expects us to win nationals. Have you seen the videos of some of the other teams?"

Santana took her bag from Brittany and linked their pinkies. "Don't even get me started on Mr Shue." She said, rolling her eyes. "The whole glee club is a fucking mess."

"Yeah, but it's not all bad. Sure, the people are really weird and annoying, and the robot guy really creeps me out, but the singing and dancing is fun." Santana couldn't disagree, so she didn't say anything. They made their normal way to their lockers, saying hi to some cheerleaders and jocks, and glaring at anyone else who tried to look at them. Well, Santana glared, Brittany didn't notice.

"I see you got a new ride ladies" Puck said, sliding up behind Santana. Brittany stiffened and stared hard at the books in her locker. Santana winced, but recovered quickly.

"Sure did Puckerman. Sweet isn't it? Better than the piece of junk you haul around."

"It's alright. Noticed you were still in the passenger seat. Are you sure you're not supposed to be in the back based on some height requirements?"

"Are you sure you're not supposed to be in grade school based on some brain cell requirements?" Santana spat.

"Who cares what I have in my head when what's in my pants more than makes up for it?"

"I hate to break it to you, but you can't write with that pencil" Santana scoffed.

"I think you and I both know that isn't true" he winked at her. "You want to verify Britt?" Brittany shook her head, trying to ignore the taste of bile in her mouth.

"What do you want Puck?" Santana asked, not liking the way he was looking at Brittany.

"I wanted to know if you're coming over after glee." He continued to look at Brittany.

"No"

"Oh come on….why not?" Puck whined, now looking at Santana. They both missed the smile on Brittany's face.

"Because I have plans with Britt."

"She can come too, I'm a fair guy. I don't mind sharing." Santana rolled her eyes.

"First of all, gross, second of all, never in a million years, third of all, gross, and fourth, what happened to Aretha?" Puck rolled his eyes.

"I broke up with her. She couldn't handle the status of Noah Puckerman's girl. Plus, I can't be tied down, I'm meant to be a free wolf."

"You mean she left the cheerios and wasn't popular enough for you anymore" Brittany said, finally turning to look at him. "And I heard a different story from Mike."

"Whatever Barbie, the details don't matter."

"Don't call her that. Look I'm glad you ditched the wheezing arm candy, but I'm afraid I just don't have the time, energy, or desire to hang out with you so….can you leave us alone now? I feel like I'm at a higher risk for herpes just by being around you."

"Whatever you'll be back Lopez. You always come back. I'll be waiting." He pushed off the locker, "for both of you" he said to Brittany.

"I don't like him" Brittany said, picking out books and stuffing them in her bag.

"I know" was all Santana said, opening her own locker.

"Why do you-"

"B can we not today? I said I wasn't going over right?"

Brittany wanted to say that Santana always said she wasn't going over, but then a week later she'd be blowing Brittany off for plans with Puck. She wanted to say that it made her look weak and easy when she obviously hated Puck so much, but could always be seen by his side, or getting into fights with people over him. She wanted to say that she was so much better than Puck and his inability to commit to her, but she didn't. Instead she just nodded her head, zipped up her bag, and walked with her best friend to class.

"Ok where should we go first?" Brittany whispered, as their Biology teacher turned to write something on the board.

"We should definitely go to a drive-thru." Santana whispered back.

"Oh you're right" Brittany said too loudly.

"Mrs Pierce….do I need to remind you that this work is meant to be done individually?"

"No" Brittany said, not bothering to lean away from Santana, but averting her eyes to her empty worksheet. "But which one should we go to?" she whispered after a moment.

Santana scrunched up her face in thought, and Brittany had to give herself the well-rehearsed talk about inappropriate thoughts about her best friend.

"Maybe we should go to chick-fil-A" she paused to write something on her sheet, then looked up at Brittany. "I love chick-fil-A." Brittany grinned.

"I know. Remember that time we got my dad to get us twenty sandwiches each and we had a contest to see who could eat more in thirty minutes? Even my dad was impressed. He wanted to take a picture and frame it. He calls it the chica filla now." Santana burst out laughing.

"Mrs Lopez…is something funny?" the teacher asked, turning to the two girls in obvious irritation.

"Yes" Santana said, looking her straight in the eye. Their teacher seemed to debate what to do next. She was of course used to Santana's antics by now, and she knew that asking her to share with the class, which she would have done with any other student, would only result in a long string of insults that she couldn't give detention for because of that damn coach of theirs. At the same time, she couldn't just allow Santana to run wild in her class.

"I suggest you leave it to after my class, unless you would like triple the homework as the rest of the class. I assume you have time to laugh because you've finished the worksheet?"

"No" the teacher smiled victoriously.

"Then you'd better get on with it." Santana scowled, but returned to her work.

"What about after?" Brittany asked as they walked into glee later that day.

"After what?" Santana asked, absentmindedly watching Quinn.

"After Chick-fil-A and the mall."

"We could just go for a drive. Maybe we'll discover some secret cool place in Lima we've never been before"

"Oh, an adventure….I like it. And we can just disappear there when we don't wanna be around other people"

"Yeah. It could be our spot" Santana said, just as Puck walked in and plopped himself right beside her. Brittany didn't even notice that he had his arm around Santana. All she could think about was that there was soon going to be a place that was just hers and Santana's. She spent the rest of glee tuning out the loud ramblings of Rachel, choosing instead to daydream about late afternoons spent on some field on the edge of town that no one knew about, just her and Santana, away from all the things that made Santana act cold and heartless. No Rachel Berrys to irritate her, or Noah Puckermans to distract her. She would just be Santana. Brittany's favourite Santana. And they could lay on the grass and laugh, and just be them.

She was dragged form her thoughts by Santana nudging her just below the ribs. Last year they had come up with a system to help Brittany stop looking so stupid in classes where she just wasn't paying attention. If the teacher called on her while she was daydreaming, and Santana patted her shoulder, she was to answer with a no, if she shook her arm, she was to say yes, and if she was nudged in the ribs, Santana had an answer written down on a piece of paper. She looked down at Santana's lap and read from the paper.

"Obviously if we could do it at sectionals, when you all were even more pathetic, with barely any rehearsal we can do it again" Santana smirked at the shocked expressions on everyone's faces, ignoring the nudge in the ribs from Brittany.

"Uh ok…well thanks Brittany" Mr Shue said awkwardly. "Obviously what happened at sectionals was horrible, but it proved that you guys have what it takes, so I'm not worried about regionals."

"No offense Mr Shue, but I don't know how you expect us to win regionals when more than half of us can't dance" Brittany said. "Mike and I can choreograph some simple steps and sways, but have you actually seen the competition?"

"Yeah, it would be cool if we could amp up the dancing. It would make us-"

"This is a glee club, not your precious cheerios" Rachel interrupted Mike, shaking her head at Brittany. "As long as we have amazing singing, which I think some of you should work on" she looked at Tina and paused for emphasis, "then we're bound to win."

"I agree. We'll have enough time to rehearse a proper dance routine so it won't be like sectionals. What I'm more worried about are our song selections, and making sure the vocals are really good."

Santana rolled her eyes, squeezing Brittany's hand before looking back at Mr Shue. "You'd think that since Britt and I are the only ones who have any actual experience being on a winning team, and the fact that she's the best dancer in here, you'd actually want to listen to what she's saying. Yet, like always, your favourite hobbit opens her mouth to make sure no ideas but hers are heard, and you jump on the Berry brigade without a second thought."

"I happen to have more performance experience than-"

"It's not performance experience if you were born annoying, loud, obnoxious and ugly"

"Ok, enough Santana." Mr Shue said. Brittany put her hand on Santana's thigh and shook her head almost imperceptibly. Santana sighed and leaned back in her seat, crossing her arms. "I understand what Brittany and Mike are saying about the dancing, but I really think that focusing on the singing is what we need to do to win. So" he rubbed his hands together, but when he continued speaking, Brittany had already tuned him out. If Mr Shue wanted to ignore her, she'd just ignore him as well. One thing she was sure of though, was that they were going to lose regionals.

Later that evening, Brittany and Santana did in fact find a spot that they deemed theirs. They had stumbled upon it by accident, when Brittany had gotten lost and turned into a small dirt road, looking for a way to turn back. They emerges into a small clearing in the trees, with a pond in the centre. On nights when Santana went off to Puck's or when she'd freak out after sex and leave, Brittany would find herself sitting on the rocks by the pond staring into the water, or up at the sky for hours. They never told anyone about it, and when they had broken up, Brittany spent many nights there curled under a blanket, just trying to feel closer to Santana. It was where they kissed for the first time as a couple after Santana formally asked her to be her girlfriend, it was where they sat for hours, gathering the courage to tell their parents about their relationship, and where Brittany took Santana after her abuela kicked her out.

On that particular night, Santana and Brittany lay on the bonnet of her car, using the windscreen as a backrest. Santana had her eyes closed, enjoying the fact that she could be out of the house without her parents knowing where she is via their driver. More than that, she was enjoying being with Brittany.

"Hey Britt" she said quietly. Brittany smiled. There was a way Santana spoke when she wanted to tell her something serious. Something emotional. Her voice got soft, like she wasn't sure if she wanted Brittany to actually hear her, and she took long pauses, thinking of the best way to say it, or having an internal battle about saying it at all. Brittany waited patiently, looking up at the sky.

"You're my best friend B" Santana started. "And you're my best friend in a way that….no one else has ever been my friend the way you are." Brittany turned to look at her, and saw that her eyes were still closed.

"Me too"

Santana sat up and crossed her legs, fiddling with her fingers between her legs.

"Brittany, you're my best friend." She said again. Brittany sat up too. This was clearly something that was impossible for Santana to say. She took Santana's hands from her lap, and held them tightly. After a minute of Santana playing with her fingers, she spoke.

"I love you" Santana whispered. Brittany closed her eyes, relishing the words. Santana was just saying that she loved her best friend but Brittany let herself imagine she was saying she loved her, the way Brittany loved her. That she was admitting, for the first time since they became friends, that they weren't just friends, even if she was only doing it in a round-about way that could easily be overlooked. Brittany of course already knew this, but it was sometimes maddening when she'd have sex with Santana and then be forced to pretend like it didn't mean anything. This was definitely a touchy subject, so Brittany opted to say nothing, and just let Santana get it all out.

"You're an amazing person B. You're smart, and you're beautiful and I need you. I know sometimes I'm a huge bitch, and…." She took a deep breath. "I know sometimes I say one thing…I tell you one thing….but I don't….I just don't want to lose you. Puck and all those other boys, I don't really care about them. Anything could happen with them and I wouldn't care. But you're my best friend, and I care if something happens to us."

Brittany thought hard about what Santana was saying. She was speaking in code, that much was clear, but what was she saying? Obviously Brittany knew Santana cared about her, but why was she telling her this?

"Britt…I need you. Without you, I feel like….I have no idea who I am. We…we uuhh…you know" she looked up briefly and caught Brittany's eyes.

"I know" Santana never really addressed the fact that they had sex. She usually just alluded to it, when she wasn't ignoring it completely.

"Yeah…and…you know, things like that…they get messy. Like Puck and I, if we got into a really bad fight, or you know the way we argue all the time, and we hate each other but we also keep going back to each other in this terrible toxic way, if one day we just didn't go back to each other…it wouldn't matter. But you and me…if we fought or let….it…..you know, get in the way, then I'd lose my best friend, and I wouldn't know who I was."

Brittany finally understood. She understood that Santana was scared about more than just being gay. She understood that Santana definitely loved her, and that she was apologizing as best she could for her constantly freaking out after sex. She was validating Brittany's feelings, but letting her know that they can't be anything more.

"Santana….you're my best friend too okay?" Brittany said, shifting closer to her. "You're my best friend, and you'll always be my best friend. It doesn't matter what kind of fights we get into, or us coming together in a toxic way…or not…." She frowned, and Santana looked up at her confused. "I don't know, you confused me a bit somewhere, but the point is….I love you, and honestly there isn't a universe where we aren't best friends." Santana smiled.

"Well duh…I'm too awesome for you to ditch."

"Totally." Brittany laughed, pulling Santana into a tight hug.