I Am Her

I woke up abruptly from Matipuyaut's loud whisper and soft, but very disruptive, kick on my shin. "Wake" is all he said as he walked out of his colorful dome expecting me to follow. I got up and looked around in the dark to see the young boy, Onui, asleep on the opposite side of me. His chest rose and fell behind the beautiful fire that was now faded with few ambers still burning. I caught up to Matipuyaut and whispered, "Are you going to now teach me of my life now?" He didn't respond and only led me to walk further from the tribe and toward a cliff by the sea. I could see the sun rise again for the second time in this life, it was a sunrise of many colors, different from the day before but the same in its call for awe. It was quite the walk, but it was done in silence until we reached nearly the edge of the cliff. "You may ask whatever you wish. Then I will tell you what you must know about yourself."

"Who are my parents?" I said asking without hesitation what I thought was most important first.

"Your mother was a beautiful woman who I cannot name without evoking the sadness of many, including myself. She passed on while giving life to your brother, Pititi. This loss, caused your father to change and hold resentment toward Pititi. He was and is broken without her, refusing to fix himself for fear of losing the thought of your mother. I offered prayer for him but he refuses tribe help to grow and move past it. Ah but, you became more estranged from your father as you married Mateqai and took in little Pititi to raise him like your absent father couldn't."

"That is a lot, but you said my mother passed? Where to?"

"To the spirit world, to be in part with nature and its influence over us"

I wondered if he meant where I had come from, if she returned there to the land of the dull merri. We had no influence over nature though.

"Not like you" he said his face slightly red from the anger he was trying to hide. He continued, "...you are from beings who steal and murder with no remorse repeatedly"

"Matipuyaut, but I have stolen nothing since I have come here, and I have not stolen ever. I have murdered not a single plant, animal, or person." I said but it seemed futile.

"Your existence is a murder of the one before you! The life you live is a stolen one!" his voice rougher than usual.

" I do not understand. Who was here before me? How am I not her, when you see the same person in front of you that you did moons ago?" I asked taken aback by his tone and confused by the words he spat at me.

" Your soul, your being is not the same. When you came in to experience this life, you pushed the person who was there before out. Imagine my home," he said with more patience but same rough tone. "Colorful is it not? It has its plants, shells, and skins decorate it. Now imagine someone pushing me out, killing me, then taking the home. It looks the same but who lives in it is no longer me." He said letting the metaphor hit me.

"I did this?" My voice faltered in tone and broke in the three short words. I came to understand that what my new experiences were built upon, was not something worth celebrating as I did before almost drowning my first day. I took over and murdered someone I will never know. Someone that people loved. I now can grasp why Matipuyaut's anger is always so strongly directed toward me. "I am so sorry Matipuyaut" I whispered avoiding eye contact, my head down eyes toward the floor in shame. He sighed and sat on the sandy cliff below me watching the ground where a few of my guilty tears fell.

" She was my granddaughter. Young, strong, quite guarded and angry at times but caring of course still." he chuckled in memory while more guilty tears fell near him. "I was her mother's father, and helped her in all things she lowered her pride enough to ask for. She was a free spirit absolutely. Your demeanor was so different, I immediately knew."

"I am so sorry" I whispered again coming down on the sand to be on the same level as him. After this we just sat my eyes swollen with guilty grief, as he just watched the ocean closely as if it held the spirts of the people he loved most within it. He stood and helped me up. "I cannot blame you, you did not know. Forgive my anger."

"Forgive my existence" I said not expecting to be heard. Then he scared me by putting his arms around me tightly. I thought he was going to kill me in revenge when he said, "Just do justice to the life you took, take care of everyone she left behind, and live a good meaningful life in her place." I hugged him back and thanked him for all of his guidance. Though our relationship had been nothing if not like the waves, rising and falling between anger and care. This unpredictable man was the first being I was close to. The first  to show me in a million years, what it felt like to be even remotely cared for.

       I may not be her, but I am someone, someone who is cared for.