Flash Memories

What is a Monster?

I have often mulled over this very question in between the dreaded consciousness and my escape into numbness. Children fear the monsters depicted in their books, the imaginary monsters under their beds and hiding in their closets. Through their rose-tinted glasses, they fear the hairy, horned beasts; those are a child's monsters. Those children fail to realize that the world is infested with two-faced monsters who walk around wearing masks of human flesh because of their naivete. But what is a monster? Is a Monster is a term we "humans" use to describe the things that we fear, things with more power? Do those deemed monsters know that is their nature, or do they live thinking those humans that deemed it the monster is the real demons? Monsters are the ones who break society's rules, the ones who abolish any form of morals; those are natural monsters.

But, what about monsters who are made. Small children, who are forged and beaten into forgetting morals, ethics, and decency, are those children who were Made still Monsters? I often wonder if monsters can have emotion. If I can feel sadness, fear, pain, and hopelessness, that means I'm not a monster...right?

Thoughts from 201227446- Count-388

Today I regained clarity again. Shiro was on the opposing bed in our room, and I could still smell the stench of cleansing alcohol on his wounds. We only speak in hushed whispers now that we found out they listen to everything. Both our Counts have reached 500 now. Slowly I begin to forget. Our training has increased; my martial and weapon arts are better than Shiro's, it is my fault he's getting hurt. We know six languages now, and yet we have no words.

Thoughts from 201227446- Count-500

A scream snapped me back into reality. Shiro's gone, and I cannot help but worry. I am not sure how long I waited for him to come back, but when he was finally dragged back into our room by the Men in White, he was pale and bearly breathing. The chain around my ankle prevented me from going over to his limp form that they dumped on his bed. I waited for hours for him to wake up.

Thoughts from 201227446- Count-541

After Shiro's punishment, which rendered him paralyzed from the waist down, he went through 16 surgeries; each of them terrified me more than the last. They haven't come for Shiro again for six Counts.

Sometimes he will start trembling in his sleep. I'm worried. I can see metallic bands on his spine where some of the bandages have shifted. He still hasn't spoken.

Thoughts from 201227446- Count- 566

Without warning, they have lengthened both our chains. Somehow this makes me more worried about what is to come, but at least now I can reach Shiro.

When I get over to him, he wraps his arms around me. We stay like that, in silence, just holding each other. Later he tells me that he can feel his legs again.

No matter how much they break us. They can always staple us back together again.

Thoughts from 201227446- Count- 570

I understand now. Why they suddenly increased the chain length. When my brother and I woke up, we had strange shackles on our wrists, ankles, and neck. I feel suffocated. It is odd; they aren't bulky. They are almost skin tight. I don't like this.

Soon I learned what they did. It started with a sort of tingle; however, gradually, I realized that it was electricity working its way through me. It hurts.

Thoughts from 201227446- Count- 572

I'm burning. It's too hot. I feel like I'm going to explode. The electricity is too fast; there is too much...

I'm acutely aware of Shiro next to me. He looks worried. I don't want to make him worry. I can't think properly. I need to be fine. I am fine.

Thoughts from 201227446- Count- 578

After that, something similar happened to Shiro as well. I can feel the electricity inside of me, but somehow it doesn't feel as...invasive as before. Almost as if it was meant to be there. It burns me from the inside, and yet there is a feeling of belonging.

Thoughts from 201227446- Count-603

A new bed was placed inside our room today. We've learned it's better not to ask questions. We only communicate in a variation of sign language and morse code. We make constant changes to the languages to make sure they cannot understand.

A while later, a boy was brought in. He had strawberry blond hair that was loosely tied at his neck. He seemed frail and delicate but unwavering.

The White Guard chained his ankle to the wall as well, but strangely enough, he only had a black collar around his throat. When he turned to the side, I could see his number-201229341

Both Shiro and I ignored him, so we were startled when he spoke.

"Hello," he said tentatively.

I was about to ignore him again when Shiro tapped to me, 'we should say hello.'

'Why,' I tapped back.

'He seems... (long pause) ...alone,' responded Shiro.

I sighed, Shiro seemed to be interested in the newcomer, and even if we argued, he would still talk with the boy.

We both sat up at the same time, which seemed to startle him. I reached for the water on the table next to my bed, drank deeply, and then got off the bed to give Shiro the cup.

Turning to the boy, I responded, "What is your name?"

"W-what?" the boy stuttered out.

"Your name," Shiro repeated after finishing the water. "Do you not have one?"

"No! I do; it's Yukio." The boy said.

"I see," returning to my bed, I lay down again, intending to sleep the pain away; however, I was interrupted by Yukio.

"A-and your names?"

I sat up, hearing Shiro respond, "My name is Shiro, and my sister is Kuro."

"You two are certainly strange. You don't look anything like siblings," Yukio said.

"We're twins," I responded dryly.

"Twins! but- one of you, Kuro, has black hair, and Shiro has white hair!" Yukio responded seriously.

I sighed. Yukio, despite talking so much, Yukio was complicated to read. He was animated, yes, but all his reactions were fake. It was as if he was putting on a facade. I wasn't yet sure who he was trying to fool us, or himself.

Thoughts of 201227446- Count- 782

Despite my initial hesitation to talk to Yuki, the three of us have gotten closer. Yuki told us that he was transferred over from the branch in Japan to this one, in the US. Sometimes he talked about the outside world since his missions were not just assassinations like ours. Yuki told us that he specializes in espionage elimination. However, every time he returns from a mission, Yuki gets very quiet for a few hours. I have deemed that his positive behavior is not for those around him but for himself.

Sometimes at night, when Shiro and I are still awake, we can hear him crying. He doesn't get scars to mark his kills as we do, but it seems he remembers them all nonetheless.

Yuki is kindhearted. He noticed that sometimes we would seemingly randomly go over to the other. In reality, we were transferring some of the electricity into the other for when the pain became too much for a single person to bear. Noticing this, Yuki volunteered to do the same. At first, we were worried that the high voltage would be too much for him, but he could manage it quite well.

Thoughts from 201227446- Count-1028

We have gotten used to the pain. Training continues, and Shiro and I are evenly matched. In total, we have memorized and perfected 237 different martial arts and are proficient in any weapon they give us.

One day, The White Coats brought us to take a test to determine our sub-sex. When we got there, a strange man whom I vaguely recognized was there. Shiro's eyes widened, and confused from the sudden change in expression, I looked back at him, and I realized who he was.

On the outside, my face was a blank mask, but inside I was laughing mirthlessly.

Our DEAREST father had come to visit his proteges at last. To see if we could be of use to him now that we have been Made into Monsters as vile as him.

A sick feeling overcame my senses. What exactly was so important about this test that our father had to come here?

One of the White guards came over to me and hauled me up. A long syringe was inserted into my arm. After taking my blood, they put it into the machine. For some unknown reason, my heart was beating wildly. An ominous premonition came over me when the machine stopped shaking. A receipt was printed and was handed to Father.

Upon reading it, an angry expression distorted his face.

"Test the other one," he said in a monotone voice that was brimming with controlled violence.

Like me, Shiro's blood was drawn and a receipt printed. Once it was handed to Father, I could see rage coating his eyes.

"Both useless Subs." he ground out. "Start phase three," he said after turning around.

He didn't even look at us.

Thoughts from 201227446- Count- 1221