Chapter2

#Chapter2

-Soft Flower-02

Sapphire Nightshade

/"You don’t seem comfortable here, Sapphire./"

I smiled sheepishly at the Chief Healer, a matronly woman who had a kind smile, that smile was on her face as she caught me looking at my surroundings with disgusts. I had developed an intense dislike for ‘Healing Rooms’ as it reminded me of when I had returned from the dead and what I woke up too.

/"Just bad experiences./"

She nodded and smiled, but her eyes told me that she did not buy my story.

/"Tell me, how can I help you?

We began to tell her about my anxiety attacks and how they just seemed to appear out of nowhere, granted I knew it was linked to what I had experienced at the hands of Damien and the two goddesses but what confused me was the fact that they were all happening now. I had absolutely no panic attacks during my stay at the Black Blood Pack even though I was exposed to so much trauma.

/"She was fine even in the forest when we were running away from my brother’s men./"

Guilt filled my heart as I stared at Chloe who was gesturing with her hands to try and explain the situation, the dark shadows beneath her eyes visible.

She had been the one who stayed by my side those nights when I had decided to forgo sleep and each time I asked her to go back to Jared’s room, where she now resided, she would reply that she was fine and would stay by my side. Our friendship would have seemed utterly impossible three months ago, but after everything we experienced, it was hard not to bond with the only person, in this new environment, who understood what you had gone through. Her constant companionship made me feel awful as I was guilty of separating her from Jared, especially during such an important period of time in their lives. Chloe was now expecting their first child, granted she was only a month pregnant, but still, she should be with Jared... not me. I remember my eyebrows almost escaping to my hairline when she first told me about the news, after all, we had only been here for two weeks and she already had a bun in the oven and I knew from the many awkward talks by my father that once did not always equal pregnancy so that would mean…I shook my head not wanting to think about it. I felt a tug in my heart as she gushed about all the future possibilities, it reminded me of how someone else had done the same thing only for all of it to be ripped away from her.

/"Her sudden number of panic attacks could be because her mind is finally in a state of peace./"

I raised an eyebrow at her, that was an oxymoron, I had panic attacks because my mind was in a state of peace.

/"I know it sounds contradictory, but allow me to explain. Your mind had been busy during the time of the inavsion at your pack, trying to do a million things at once to ensure that your nephew and yourself could escape. At the Black Blood Pack, and even during your escape in the forest, you were always looking for different ways to escape or planning strategies out in your head because the environment around did not allow you to feel safe and secure, which kept your mind on constant alert. You somehow repressed your feelings of anxiety and fear because your mind was too preoccupied as you fought to ensure your survival,, but now, you feel secure here, even if you don’t think so. You know you are safe here and so your mind is not preoccupied with thoughts of escaping or revenge, at least not as much as before, so this sudden state of calm allowed you to clear your mind, but also allowed all these negative emotions that you kept pent up to be released all at once, hence your panic attacks. That is why you get them so frequently when you see or feel something close to what you had experienced at Black Blood such as your nightmares and training./"

I did not what to say to that, I looked up at Xander who was standing behind me and his hand on the nape of my neck. His thumb applied soft pressure and would rub the side of my neck when he felt me tense up, he caught my eye before giving me a small smile and rubbed my neck.

/"How do I limit the number of panic attacks? I mean, I cannot live with them for the rest of my life./"

I had to sleep, I had to train and most importantly, I hated having to burden others with my problems.

/"Spend more time with the person who made you vulnerable, who made you feel safe./"

She used her pen to gesture at Xander.

/"You respond well to him, I have been paying attention to your heartbeat and whenever you look at Xander when you felt tense or uncomfortable, it went down./"

I looked back up at Xander who just looked at his feet causing me to feel even more confused.

After that appointment I shooed Chloe back to Jared before turning to look at Xander, I asked him why he looked away and he told me it was because he felt guilty, he thought that he was responsible for my current state. I remembered his confused look when I laughed. I told him that he was ridiculous to think that this was his fault and that these attacks would have come either way and in fact, I should thank him for being by my side. There was an awkward silence for a while before I manned up and asked if he could stay in my room, he looked at me in shock when heard me. The both us, despite being in mates, have been sleeping in different rooms since I arrived. Xander had arranged this himself as he wanted to go slow so that I would feel comfortable as I had just been thrown into a completely new setting and he felt that it was not his right to force me to stay with him just because we were mates. That made me pleasantly surprised as I remembered when Ryder first found Cordelia was his mate, we came home to find people moving her things from our house to his and into his room. He told her it was her duty as a mate to be with him, this was agreed on by the Pack Elders who assisted in the moving.

Xander asked me if I was sure of my decision and that he would leave the moment I felt uncomfortable... I told him that I needed this for the attacks to go away. I watched as he moved a few of his things into my room, he surprised me again when he placed pillows on the couch, which was way too small for him, it was too small for even me to lie down comfortably. I asked him if that was where he was going to sleep and he told me he did so because he knew that after Damien, I would not feel too comfortable with a male being so close to me, especially since I already felt vulnerable in my sleep.

He slept on that small couch for two nights, coming to my bed only to calm me down. He never complained about them, never asked me too many questions, he just held me like he was now. On the third night, I asked him to join me on the bed and sleep because I really did feel bad watching him contort his body to fit onto that couch, especially after all he did for me without asking for anything in return. He did so, but still slept at the far end of the bed, only initiating physical contact when I had my panic attacks.

/"I have become such a weakling, haven’t I?/"

This was more a statement to myself than a question to Xander.

/"Sapphire, none of us are invincible, we all have our own fears and flaws, but that is what makes us human. Acknowledging what makes us vulnerable, makes us stronger./"

He removed his arms from around my waist after he felt my heart rate go back to normal. I could feel the mattress move as he scooted himself to the far end of the bed before turning to look at me.

/"Sapphire?/"

/"Yes?/"

/"Can I take you out tomorrow? I was thinking that we can go for a run together, the forest should be a welcome change and you could stretch your legs./"

I bit my lip trying to hide a smile, he actually asked me for my permission... he was giving me the choice to say no.

/"Sure./"

I turned on my side and closed my eyes, a small smile on my face, slowly falling into a dreamless sleep.