11/1/1995

Dear Diary,

Hi again. I want to disclose this information with you, for you don't have a mouth to keep shut.

After Jaiden passed, I felt it emotionally and physically. We were part of a family (or soon to be). A family, makes up a body. If you break an arm, it hurts. It aches in your arm for a long time, and it hurts in more places then just your arm. When he died, it felt as if half of me had been smashed to bits. I'd had nightmares, because I didn't know or want to know, about how he died. Every time that he died in my dreams, I suffered each injury and survived. I didn't actually suffer each injury, but it felt like I did. If he got shot, for the whole of the day ahead, my body ached in the locations that he was shot.

I woke from my nightmares screaming many times. The first time I woke in such a manner, the Wintersoldat came into my room to see what was the matter. He thought that my head injury was a lot worse than I had let on. I explained to him what I had dreamed, and he sat on the edge of my bed to listen. He let me cry on his shoulder until my tears ran dry. Night after night, and week after week, each night passed in the same manner.

He helped me try to climb out of the hole in my heart. I said previously, that he had tossed me a rope. I know now that he really climbed into the pit himself, and helped me find good footholds. He guided me, slowly and carefully. Alas, it was too slowly, for when we had to say goodbye, I fell deeper into the pit without his strong arms to guide me.

I was never in love with him, but he taught me, and guided me as a true father would. He may have been my age, but he was the closest thing to a father I had. My legal father didn't raise me, and sent me away soon after we met. I suppose my blood father would be Steve Rogers, but I do not think that I would soon consider him my father. No, Wintersoldat is my father figure, I think.

I don't wish to fall in love again, for the pain without Jaiden was almost too much to bear. I will never age, and can only be killed. I heal much faster than the average human, though, so the possibility of me dying is slim. This does not make me more reckless though, for I do not wish to toss about this gift/curse that I have been given.

~EAZ~