The Fault in Our Ninjas

Exactly 195 sharply dressed ambassadors filed into the convention centre silently. The people who worked there stared in confusion because they weren't told about an event being scheduled today. However, they all soon received a cryptic email from the owner of the centre telling them to leave and tell no one about what was happening. Soon the building was completely occupied by the ambassadors.

The meeting soon kicked off and the gaudiest ambassador stood up with a stoic expression. In fact, all of them were expressionless. "Welcome to the annual International Ninja Conference. Today we will be discussing our statistics and confirm that we are all still unknown." His face then scrunched up a little. "Well, all except for Japan," he said sharply.

Everyone turned to look at the Japanese representative who was playing a game on his phone. "What? Oh yeah, yeah. Sorry about that again." The standing ambassador clicked his tongue in distaste and kicked off the meeting with his own country. Finally, after every other country had gone, the focus turned towards the Japanese ambassador. He was still on his phone, ignoring everybody else.

When the Hungarian representative next to him cleared her throat, he finally looked up. "Well, you guys probably know how we're doing from the news. We failed to kill the prime minister again, but we did kill his third uncle! So I'd have to say we're doing pretty well." He laughed smugly. "Oh, and our success rate is up 3%. That's right, we're now at 5%! I think we're soon going to topple your ninjas, Ms. Hungary."

His words quickly died in the awkward silence that had fallen over the conference room. The gaudy man that had spoken up earlier ended the meeting hastily, not wanting to hear any more about Japan's failure. Night had fallen while they were discussing and each of the ambassadors soon returned home. All except for the Japanese representative who holed up in a nearby bar. "Just wait and see, you assholes. Tonight the Japanese ninjas will live in infamy!" He downed the whole glass and asked the bartender for another with a giddy smile.

Meanwhile in Japan…

One could only slightly see the figures dashing by on the rooftops. They moved silently but efficiently as they rushed towards their destination: The Prime Minister's Residence. One of the three ninjas turned to look at the others. "We're going to be arriving soon. Remember that we have to be silent and that we have to stay together."

The ninja to her right gave a thumbs-up. "Nin nin," he said, apparently agreeing with what she said. The other one merely grunted in affirmation. Soon, they had successfully broken into the giant house without a hitch. No guard had even noticed them as they descended upon the house dressed in all black. All was going according to plan up until that point.

But fate was never on the Japanese ninjas' side.

Just as they had reached the prime minister's bedroom and was about to break inside, the female ninja noticed that the silent one had disappeared. She suspected that he was going to take care of any guards around them and quickly felt reassured. However, what she didn't know was that he had actually gone to raid the kitchen. He was hoping to see some rare, exotic food and completely forgot his mission.

The other two ninjas broke into his room without making a sound. Their luck ended there. The male ninja swiftly jumped up onto the Prime Minister's bed and screamed, "We're here to assassinate you. Mr. Prime Minister!" Immediately, three guards appeared in the doorway and one rolled out from under the bed. Another sat up in the bed, ripping his wig off and pulling out his gun from his nightgown.

Seeing this, the female ninja broke down crying on the floor. The other tried to escape the room, but his overly long scarf got grabbed by one of the guards. The third one heard the commotion from above and just shrugged. His concern was that despite all the cool food the prime minister had, there was not a single jar of peanut butter.

Then, his eyes locked onto a lone jar in the very back of the cupboards. His face lit up momentarily before he saw what the jar said: sunflower seed butter. He threw the jar to the ground with a primal shriek. Guards quickly flooded the kitchen and subdued the distraught ninja.

All three of them were caught and imprisoned. The assassination attempt was all over the news the next morning with headlines like: "Ninjas Caught Once More!" and "The Prime Minister's Third Uncle Avenged!"

The head of the Japanese Ninja Deployment Agency was watching the newscast with rapt attention. His assistant turned to him with a nervous expression. "Should we really keep sending ninjas like them after the prime minister? All they do is fall apart and get caught in the end!" They were on the verge of a breakdown, but the head didn't care.

All he did was simply say, "No good JDramas have come out in a while and the news is usually so boring. Don't you think all these ninjas getting caught provide a good show?" With that, his assistant dropped into a dead faint. The real reason why Japanese ninjas are the worst: No good JDramas for their boss to watch.