Living Inside the Shell

There is a cliff, not too far from the house, that has a small opening, that is hidden by some shrubbery. This was the place that Katarina always used to hide from me, when we played around. As an older brother, to her, whenever she used this place, I let her think that I was ignorant of her hiding spot. Giving her a means to win against me was one of the few things I could offer me.

Other than for our games, I never remember trying to hide. But I can understand, everyone one needs a place of solitude, a place where people can not find you. I assume that this is the place that she is now using, to hide from me.

Why? Why is she doing something like that? I did not think that my affection towards was one sided. I had always assumed that she loved me as her brother, the same as I loved her as my sister.

I wonder, should I let her keep her hiding place, or should I go straight to her. It is one of those questions that I am no longer able to answer. Is the reason that she is in hiding is because she hates me, and does not want to see me, or is it that she is mad at me, and does not know how to respond?

Erring on the side of caution, as I walk I call out her name. I started calling for her, well away from where I believe she is. Calling out the I am sorry, that I left her. Even though I believe that I should give her the space that she deserves, I approach the cavity, like an arrow.

"Katarina, I'm sorry that I left you. I hope you can understand." (Rehor)

As of yet, I have not heard any answer back from her. And when I stop in front of the hollow of the cliff, I hesitate one more time. I should not do that. I should barge in on her, and embrace whatever is to happen.

Unfortunately I was correct, that Katarina was hiding here. Scratched up from the brambles that she had to pass to enter the cave, she sat there, silently. She was sitting there in a small ball, cringing away from me.

"How?" (Katarina)

"What?" (Rehor)

Her voice is reminiscent of when I spoke to father. The words are quieter than the breath coming from her mouth. If there was any noise, I would not have heard her speak.

"How did you know I was here?" (Katarina)

"I've always known your hiding spot. I never let you know, so you had a chance to win." (Rehor)

"But why? Why did you leave me?" (Katarina)

"I had to leave. I was dangerous to be around." (Rehor)

"You didn't even say good-bye to me." (Katarina)

Relief washed over me. Katarina did not hate me. Knowing this was going to be a difficult conversation, I sat down beside and put an arm across her back, pulling her in towards me.

"I wanted to. I truly did, but I wasn't allowed to. I could have hurt you, so I was forbidden from coming back for my farewells." (Rehor)

"That's a lie. You can do everything, so why didn't you even try?" (Katarina)

Tears streamed down her face as she talked to me. I never understood how important to her, that I was. Yes, I cared for her, as my little sister, but it never dawned on me that she cared so much about my presence.

"Forgive me. Please Katarina, forgive me." (Rehor)

"I can't. You're probably leaving me again." (Katarina)

I could not deny her words. It is true, that after this short visit, I was going to leave from this place, for the rest of my life. There are no reassuring words that I can say to her, that would not be a lie.

I had wanted to forget about this family that loved me, so that I would not hurt them any further. But they all, had opened there arms to me without any questions. The only one that had not completely welcomed me back, was Katarina, because she knew I was going to leave again.

"I'm sorry." (Rehor)

"That's all have you to say to me. You left me alone. You were my only friendly. Do you know how lost I was without you?" (Katarina)

"I couldn't help it. I needed to learn to control my power. There was no way to be around others without learning to control them." (Rehor)

"You're lying. You just didn't want to be around me anymore." (Katarina)

I wish my feelings were as dead as they normally are, it would make it so much easier for me. Unfortunately, they are not as repressed as I am used to, and it is making my heart ache. I hurt Katarina, and other for asking for forgiveness, I had no words to defend myself. I refuse to harm her any more than I have already done.

Sitting there, with Katarina right beside me, I just stay there, constantly asking for her forgiveness. Asking to be forgiven, even though I do not deserve it.

"What can I do to have you forgive me? I will do anything." (Rehor)

"Then don't leave me again. I can't survive with you leaving me. I'll be a better sister, so you don't leave." (Katarina)

This whole time, I was assuming by being near them, that I would hurt them. Now, from the words coming from Katarina's mouth, I am being to think that I would hurt them, or at least Katarina, more by fulfilling my plans. They life of that I had planned out for myself, was no longer an option.

"I'm not going to be leaving. I'll stay around. As I said, I will do anything to beg for your forgiveness. I just want to see you happy." (Rehor)

Yes, in this moment, I decided not to leave my family. My plans are worthless to me, if I hurt them anymore than I have already done.

"I promise, I'm not leaving you again." (Rehor)