meeting an old friend and breakups

So Donny came back. We talked for a while he became best friends with austin and Donny was different he told me he liked me I said "I'm sorry I dont feel the same" then I broke up with austin because he was so mean to me and my friends I broke up with him and then I got with josh. Austin got with my sister! I was still cutting Josh didnt know so josh is home schooled so I watched austin have fun with hailey(my sister) and it was well hard. I was alone again besides josh but I sat by this mid at lunch cuz he was alone. Meet Dakota hes my best friend hes bi kinda wired but I enjoy our friendship then bella sat us TWO FRIENDS! we went to the park its us three and I talked to josh alot! things were starting to get better...alot better but depression still was on me anxiety telling me lies I love josh just my mind tells me lies..and I dont tell Dakota or bella about me cutting but i dont know I still feel so alone? why? I lost friends and Dakota and bella are my friends we just are kinda the jokey friends and not the talk to friends I talk to josh about that..so it was January 20th I think no one knew but I tried to kill myself I tried to hang myself my fat ass ripped the rope I just want to die all the time I cry so much my eyes are blood shot all the time cuz of tears it's over I have 2 friends and a bf it's great WHY CANT I BE GREATFUL! I'm so happy for them just it's hard donny is mean to me and josh so we've distanced. it sucks! I cut so bad I had to tie my arm I took multiple pics before I cut so whenever i was questioned then there ya go..I'm so depressed Dakota Donny and most important Josh are all depressed it makes me sad..I try and help them the only one to help me is josh donny tells me he has enough problems and i stress him out so let's talk about school work so I got all fs..bullied..and had problems I decided to do my hair pretty one day I got threw the dag awkward as hell depressed then last period a sucker put on my hair everyone just laughed and the teacher did nothing and they wrote fake notes and gave them to the girls saying it's from me the most recent one said "poppy I've loved you for so long ur hair is so beautiful and ur ass is so big girl u hot as f*ck" I'm not lesbian and I cried and ran out of the class and the bell rang they saw cuts once they made fun of me called me an attention seeker and weak and to be honest I am weak I'm worthless I agree with them. I love josh so much but I dont know how much more of this book theres gonna be I promise to write every day till I die witch might be soon. I'm not the kind of person to talk about this openly so this is how I share it. I love music people make fun of my voice tho so I stopped a bit I recently started to sing again. I walked threw school today saw everyone smiling I was walking hood up head down and listing to music. i felt like a zombie and so alone everyone else is happy and everything and I'm just a zombie I was suppost to die on January 20th I give up I'm done trying to end it for now I dont have the energy anymore. When u kill urself like I did well tried and failed everyone just looks at you it's so awkward no one talks about it in the family now but it's so scilent people at school call me "mrs want to kill herself" it sucks. So I'm only 13 but ik shit people call me mature but I just want to end it so much i can barely take the pain well guys this is all for today.