Gone up in flames

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

I had a dream last night and I could only wish it came to pass.

I saw him, I wanted him and I had him.

I woke up drenched in my sweat and orgasm.

It wanted more and some hands travelled downtown.

I pictured his face and rode it Orlando;

Heaven knows I would have done more and it just was not enough because I wanted more

I tried to be quiet when the ripples of orgasm vibrated through me,

I controlled my moans and groans but I could only scream his name in ecstasy.

To be lost in his touch is all I crave,

To be his and none others is all I want,

To be filled up with his length is all I need;

More than I need to be saved by God.

Love me harder, love me tender...

I opened the letter directed to me and I sat down in a corner to read its content. I knew it was from him and any words from him would make me close my thighs and squeeze my eyes shot. For someone who is the subject of all of my fantasies, I sure was expecting more than I read in the letter.

He only said he misses me and hopes I write back to him. I miss him too but I had no idea if I should write back to him. I got letters from Candace and Camille too and immediately, I was swamped with information through their gossip.

I decided to write back to them there, I went into a bookshop near the post office and got myself papers, envelopes, and a pen.

I wrote back to them and mailed them separately.

I must have been so carried away, that I didn't check the time for it was almost noon, and my grandmother must be waiting by the door with her whip in hand.

I checked the time and rushed home with sweat dripping down all my pores. I am in trouble, I whispered to myself.

I got to my grandmother's house and knocked lightly, scared to my bones. She opened the door and moved to the side to let me in, I knew what to do next and I just went to the living room to kneel.

"Where have you been?" she asked with her voice so soft one would think she was not at all furious.

"I was..." I didn't get to finish my statement when she slapped with with the back of her hand. I was about to reply to her, I think the words I wanted to use got lost in my throat. I got trapped in my mind and the pain was a reminder of my reality. Others might even tell me she is doing it for my good but when she hits me like she likes, I disagree.

"I was at the post office," I replied with every breath I took.

"Then, why are you late?" she asked with a quiet voice.

"I was... I just..." I was saying other when she saw the letters in my hands.

"What do you have there with you?" she asked me, "give them to me, right now," she demanded. I assumed she was talking about her letters so I gave her those and when she dropped them on the table beside her, she stretched out her hand towards me again, it was then I knew she was talking about the letters from my friends.

In my head, I sent a Thanksgiving note to God because I had already replied to them and sent them back a mail but it was short-lived when I remembered Zayne's letter and the words he had written.

"Give me those letters," she screamed at me and at that moment, I knew I was in trouble.

I brought out the letters that had been folded in my hands and gave them all to her. She sat down patiently and began to read all of them until she got to Zayne's.

"So, you even got a letter from a boy?" she asked but didn't expect an answer before she continued, "You had the time to engage in frolic activity with a boy in school? Rak-El?!" her shout was so loud, it scared the birds away.

She didn't do anything after that, instead, she stood up and went to her room. When I noticed this, I say there on the floor for a while and wept for my life. Not only was I being maltreated, but the only person who was to be for me and my side saw me as nothing but a pain in her behind. I wept for my dead parents and blamed them for dying so soon. I wept for my being weak.

When I had finished weeping, I got up and started making lunch. I figured I was going to allow her to throw tantrums since she was hungry.

I cleaned up where I used to cook and the wares and then cleaned up the house. I started from the living room and moved to all the rooms of the house. My grandma has more than enough rooms in her house and she once told me, on one of her happy days, that she has those rooms for her grandchildren but somehow my mother only gave her one.

She probably was thinking that if my mother had given her more than one grandchild, she would have been happier knowing one wasn't a disappointment to her.

when I had finished cleaning, I went into my room and sat down in thought.

I swore to myself, that I was going to get out of this, no matter what and with that thought in mind, I slept off to be woken up by the fire alarm and my grandmother coughing and calling out my name.

"Rak-El, stand up!" she said but it felt like I was still dreaming to me. Smoke filled the air and someone shouted, "They are upstairs!"

I had left lunch on the fire and slept off.