The Light That Shines Ahead Of The Darkness

It's close to 9pm, so there will be a very cold breeze outside.

Lights at each end of the stairs faintly illuminate the footing, but the snowy weather makes it difficult to say that it is sufficiently safe.

I climbed up the dozens of stairs, stepping on the snow to avoid falling.

I'm sure that no one would come here at a time like this.

In the darkness where I could not see my breath, I walked forward and arrived at a slightly open platform.

In the wood deck... I saw a short person's back.

Perhaps they were staring at the scenery, but the darkness made them seem rather somber.

Of course, there were no other people around.

They said they had seen her at meal time, but how long has she been at this location?

The wind was strong and she didn't seem to notice that I was approaching.

I stomped my feet on the ground as hard as I could to avoid surprising her.

I'm sure she can hear.

I decided to speak up when her body reacted.

"Can I come over?"

"Huh... ah, Ayanokoji-kun!"

"What a coincidence."

"Y-yes, right."

Ichinose let her gaze escape awkwardly into the night.

"Sorry, it's really not a coincidence. Amikura and the others were making a fuss that they couldn't see you. They wanted to talk to you until the lights went out, so I came here."

"Is, is that right? Wh-what happened? Is there trouble?"

"A bit. Let's just have a chat for now. If we do that, Amikura will be relieved too."

"Are you exchanging contacts with Mako-chan?"

"We're the same group on the school trip, so. We often communicate with each other. "

I added a message telling her not to worry, that I had found Ichinose, and that she would be back by 9 o'clock.

It immediately became read. When Amikura learned that I knew where she was, she sent two stamps of relief.

"It's been passed on. At any rate, this should quiet down the ruckus."

"I-I'm sorry."

"It's fine. This isn't breaking the curfew on the ryokan grounds. If you go back by 9 o'clock when you are allowed to enter the backyard, it's up to the individual."

"Yes... thanks."

She's not saying that she will go back in order not to worry them, so there must be something on her mind.

School trips are a fun time, but we have to share our time with a lot of students.

"Everyone wants to be alone sometimes. In that sense, I guess I'm in the way." Ichinose didn't return anything to the words.

She just kept staring at the night scene.

"So cold."

"...Mhm. It's cold."

Even through the gloves, a piercing pain comes through when the wind blows.

"How long have you been here?"

"I don't know... maybe, five minutes?"

She answered, but then corrected herself in a frustrated manner, as if she thought I would immediately see through.

"I'm sorry. It could be around 30 or 40 minutes."

"I bet. The footprints on the stairs had disappeared."

Until I came up, I had no proof that Ichinose was here. If it had been a few minutes, I would have clearly seen the footprints even in the dark.

Although the snow was slowly weakening, the wind was still strong.

"I'm sure it's obvious, but if you stay too long, you'll catch a cold."

"Right..."

She mumbled as if she was talking about something else, but did not seem to be following my advice.

And then, the snow almost stopped.

It's just temporary, I'm sure. Based on the forecast, it should start blowing hard soon.

"I'll ask something dumb. What are you thinking, staring at the night view alone?" I have a general idea of what to expect, but I still won't know until I hear it from her.

I asked, but Ichinose didn't answer immediately.

Without looking over at me, she kept looking at the view.

"I think I want to be alone now..." A light rejection.

She is saying that she isn't looking for someone to talk to, and is urging me to leave.

Or maybe she was just saying that she didn't want me to be the only one close by.

"I don't feel like leaving you alone here after all. The descent is particularly dangerous."

"Thank you for your concern. But Karuizawa-san would be sad to know that you're alone with me in this place. I definitely don't want that."

No one comes over here, so I don't think that's the problem.

It seems Ichinose cares about others even at times like this.

"It is true that if Kei sees this, she would misunderstand."

"Yep."

"Are you sure about this?"

"Yep."

Ichinose, who answered in the same short way one more time, still did not avert her gaze from the scenery.

I quickly moved away and turned my back.

"I'll go back, then. Just, make sure you're back by 9 o'clock. The door's going to get locked." "Thanks, I'll be careful."

When I took one step, the snow that had stopped suddenly began to fall again.

It came back even stronger than before. Looking back once, Ichinose's back had not changed since I found her here. It's grown so small and weak.

When was the last time I saw the lively Ichinose Honami from when she first entered the school?

It's not the school trip, but the accumulation of many things.

It is getting to the point where the water that has been accumulating in the cracked cup is about to overflow.

It's easy to walk away here.

But, this is a turning point.

Ichinose's emotions, which had been consumed, had come to a very dangerous place as far as I could see.

It's still good if it's just overflowing with water.

If the crack widens and the cup breaks, it may be impossible to put it back together.

That would be the demise of the Ichinose class.

The path to the A class would be closed.

This is not the moment for her class to fall. That would interfere with my plans. "I'll wait here."

I said that, and decided to sit down on the stairs leading to the ryokan.

"...Why?"

"I wonder why."

"I have nothing to do with you, Ayanokoji-kun, do I? Why are you waiting?"

"Who knows."

I said so and evaded.

I shouldn't say anything else for now.

I know she wants to get rid of me, but without any compelling force, she had no choice but to give up.

If she really didn't want to be with me, it would be best to get out of here.

This continued for a few minutes.

For a while, we quietly passed the time without really doing anything.

"Maybe... we should chat?"

Either she couldn't bear the silence of being alone with me, or she had no choice but to break it off.

Ichinose muttered in a voice that I might have missed if I had been thinking.

"Actually, I've been wanting to ask you something."

It's better than being silent for the rest of the time. It can distract from the coldness of the snow that assaults my buttocks.

"Do you know the White Room?"

I wondered what kind of chatter would come out of this situation, but a few too many unexpected words came out, completely different from some of the assumptions that had been floating around in my mind.

Why did the word "white room" come out of Ichinose?

For a moment, the image of Sakayanagi appeared in my mind.

There have been some areas recently where leaders have been getting to know each other, such as cooperation between classes.

But I don't think she'd talk about it so easily. In which case…

She was threatened by Tsukishiro in the uninhabited island test.

I wouldn't be surprised if she remembered the word "white room" from there.

"I don't really know what you're talking about."

"Yeah... If you don't understand, don't worry about it. Maybe I was wrong." When I said that, Ichinose's words stopped there, under the cold sky.

Then she exhaled a white breath.

I'm not sure if she completely believed my answer.

Just in case, I think I should press a little bit.

"Where did you hear that word?"

I added on so, to show her that I don't know the word at all.

If she doesn't answer honestly, then I can just stop pursuing it.

"I heard Shiba-sensei talking to someone who was the acting board chairman during the uninhabited island test. There were not many parts that I could hear clearly, but I could hear the word "white room", and him saying that they want to expel you.  I was curious, so I did some searching and couldn't find anything, so I guess I heard wrong after all, huh?"

"I wonder. I can't think of any similar words myself, at least."

She's done the search herself, so it seems that she questions the consistency of her memory.

"But why were the teachers trying to expel you? Are you all right now?" I guess she's always wanted to ask that too.

But with Kei, Ichinose seems to have pushed the question to the back of her mind.

"The matter is settled. I can't tell you the details, but there are no problems."

I'll separate from the White Room, and try to get her to think that there is some other secret. Because it is more troublesome in the future for the former situation to be leaked to the outside world.

"I see..."

"I can't tell you", that part may have caught her attention a little.

I can't tell anyone, or I can't tell Ichinose?

That would greatly change the way she receives it.

I could see her shock at the fact that she might be considered someone with whom I could not share my secrets.

Since there was no benefit to Ichinose in continuing with these topics, I'll start talking to her this time.

"I have a question for you. The Ichinose I know is not the kind of person who shivers with loneliness in a place like this. She is a student surrounded by friends, laughing and encouraging each other."

I said so, meaning to ask how long she will stay here.

"I'm having enough fun. I am enjoying it."

"When I saw your face just now, it didn't look like that. It didn't seem like the kind of face you should show on a school trip that's all about fun."

Even this kind of exchange should be necessary for Ichinose now.

To expose the parts of ourselves that we would normally like to keep to ourselves and that we cannot talk about to anyone.

That Ichinose, who continues to be under heavy pressure as a class leader, continues to endure.

"Are you really going to wait there?"

"That's right. I'll be with you when you come down."

"...I see. Well, at least come here, then. Your butt is going to get cold."

"I'm grateful for that invitation. My butt is already almost frozen."

I got up in a hurry, wiped the snow off my butt, and returned to Ichinose's side. Ichinose's sideways appearance was the same as before.

When I checked with my mobile phone earlier, it was about 8:40.

If I calculate the return time, we can stay here for 10 more minutes.

If she wants to stay silent until the time limit, that's fine too.

I decided to wait for Ichinose's reaction, intending to hang out until the end.

Snow dances every time the wind blows.

In the meantime, Ichinose opened her lips after a dozen seconds.

Her white breath flickered in the air.

"With my methods... I can't win against any class any more. That's what I was thinking." Unintentional tears trickled down Ichinose's cheeks.

"Can't win? I thought you were just going to move forward without hesitation in your own way?"

"But because of that..."

Hesitating to speak, Ichinose spinned her words.

"That's, that's right. But... the results aren't coming. Our class is definitely getting further away from A class. That is obvious to everyone."

"So you're thinking about the reason for that?"

"If I could direct my classmates like Sakayanagi-san. If I could lead as strongly as

Ryuen-kun. If I could cooperate with others like Horikita-san... I can't help but think about all that."

"That's pining for what you don't have. You can only be yourself; you can't be anyone else."

I know I don't have to tell her this. Still, there are times that she should hear it.

"Pining for something I don't have. Yep, that's right. I... want something I can't get right now."

"Even if you have to change yourself?"

"As long as I can win... that's fine." Ichinose is looking for change.

Whether it is right or wrong is secondary to the fact that she is struggling to break through. Normally, this wouldn't be the place for me to reach out to her. But the confession I received from Ichinose on the uninhabited island led to several unexpected events for us as well, which is the main reason why she has been weakened up until now.



It's still more than three months until the promised time with Ichinose.

Will she really be able to get through this without any help until then?

No, this is not a situation where wishful thinking should be brought into the picture. Especially now, when Ichinose is losing heart.

The effect of the poisoning is manifesting itself more quickly than I expected.

Her love for me, and the presence of Karuizawa Kei.

The class is in a downward spiral and cannot find the opportunity to rise up.

Although Kanzaki and Himeno are making moves, the growth of their allies does not seem to be following along.

As a student council officer, There's no knowing what will happen in the future.

There is a hard road ahead.

[TL Note 38 : 前途多難 Zentotanan, expression; literally "future with many difficulties"] Surrounded by enemies on all sides. She's in a maze.

"Frustrating... It's so frustrating..." Her own powerlessness.

This strikes Ichinose as an intense sense of guilt.

"It's... so frustrating..."

If this was her problem alone, then she could just be depressed by herself.

But this isn't an option for Ichinose, who is leading the class.

The class' failure would be all her own fault.

This is what that kind of thinking leads to.

"I'm sorry, Ayanokoji-kun..."

Her trembling voice strongly conveyed her frustration.

"What is that an apology for?"

"A lot, a lot of things... Crying like this, I'm only causing trouble, but..."

Ichinose is supposed to be smarter and wiser.

That hidden potential has all but disappeared.

Her heart is fragile and weak.

A fatal weak point.

Neither Horikita, nor Ryuen, nor the leading Sakayanagi will stop for Ichinose.

It must be excruciating to struggle, suffer, and collapse in place.

If I gently tell her that she doesn't have to work any more, she will be relieved from this heavy responsibility.

However, at the same time, Ichinose would lose both of her legs.

It is too early.

Your time to collapse will be in the future.

I cannot let her stop until the final test, when the fates of the year two students will be clear. I won't let her break.

The one who will decide the time and place of when your life as a student here ends is me, not you.

I closed the distance between me and Ichinose and reached with my arm from her back as she cried miserably.

I then placed my hand on her right shoulder and pulled her towards myself.

"!? A-Ayanokoji-kun!"

"It's okay to cry in hard times. It's okay to look for help in painful times. Everyone has a weak part."

"...b-but..."

Ichinose bit her lips, which had started to turn pale blue, and swallowed her words. She tried to escape to the opposite direction, but she is weak.

"Isn't there something you want?"

"...No. What I wanted is already..."

"Is it no longer available?"

She's desperately trying to suppress the words overflowing from the depths of her throat, no, heart.

Even so, Ichinose nodded slightly, though she did not intend to affirm it.

"That kind of thing will work out with time. That's what I believe."

"But..."

"If you don't have the courage to take a step forward, I can help you."

When I wiped the tears on her cheeks with my fingertips, they were almost frozen. She doesn't have the strength to run away any more.

Instead, she completely relaxed, as if entrusting me with herself.

Staring at the distant, snowy landscape. On this day, under the cold sky, we huddled together and felt each other's warmth.