Conflicting Emotions

But first, before I do that, let me count my spoils first~

I've got 5 coppers from the first guy I fought...along with 45 copper coins, as well as basic equipment like 3 beginner daggers. So...since I don't need these daggers, I might as well sell them. But first, before I do, let's calculate how much I've earned in-game, as a whole, and see how much it would be worth in real life.

50 copper coins...this would only equate to 25 dollars. It's not much, given how the currency exchange from copper to dollars is only a mere 0.5 dollars.

However, I don't have to worry about it since the demand for currency exchange in this game is high. As for why? It's because the only way you can get money in-game is by trading with other players.

This means...that there would be plentiful fluctuations from time to time. Maybe now, one copper only equates to 0.5 dollars, but it could get higher and higher whenever big events or new dungeons are discovered in-game.

Of course, it could also mean that the trade rates would get lower from time to time.

So, I sold my daggers in a nearby stall and got 9 copper coins. It's good since 59 copper coins are a great start for a noob...it's the most I got from this game for now, and I only hope I could earn much more from then on.

And yes, I know I'm not scammed with the exchange. I've done my research on trade and currency lists.

Thus, the first thing I do before fighting in that duel center again...is, well, to offer a flower or a bouquet for that deity statue. I have to pay my respects, as I wouldn't have gotten my coins from the duels if this event hadn't taken place in the first place.

...but, strolling through the streets with curious and wanderlust eyes, I couldn't help but feel a little bit heavier when I saw colorful colors from all around the city.

There was no end to them...the more I walked, the more the colors wandered endlessly.

And so did smiles.

Players and their wives were smiling.

...and so did children and NPCs.

Through strolls and walks, the festivity of the event never seemed to end. Everyone was happy.

Everyone is happy.

So why...why am I feeling duller the more I walk through this city?

I'm devoid of life, and my steps which were filled with anticipation suddenly turned into that of a mindless zombie.

So I stopped walking...and just stood, watching people pass by without a care.

"But seriously, what am I doing here?" I ask myself, breathing slowly while watching the place crowded with joy. I'm surrounded by smiles, and it irritates me.

Yes, it's true, that I've managed to get copper coins which could help with my tuition...but something about enjoying a festival in this serene and peaceful atmosphere had an ominous feel to it.

"I shouldn't be enjoying this," I tell myself, a knot tying up in my stomach. This whole place is surreal. I shouldn't be enjoying these festivities.

I shouldn't.

I really shouldn't.

It's only bringing me bad memories.

So why am I here?

What am I doing here?

What the hell am I doing here?

"...are you going to buy something or not?" An old female merchant with squinted eyes asks irritably, getting me out of a state that would have possibly led to hyperventilation.

"I...I'll buy a bouquet," I answer with a hoarse voice, taking 5 copper coins out of my pocket to give it to her. 

She looks at me skeptically and takes the 5 copper coins, giving me a bouquet of red roses.

They were pretty, yes...but all they ever remind me of is misery. I hate seeing those roses.

Especially red ones.

I despise them. They're only bad luck.

The expression in my eyes hardened, as the constraints of my heart started to pull a little tighter than before. Nonetheless, I take the roses from the vendor and give her a hearty smile...or at least, force myself to give her one.

It's the least I can do for her help in stopping me from going through a panic attack.

However, as I took the flowers from her, she shook her head and advised me...sensing something within me. "I don't know what's up with you young ones nowadays...but you should enjoy the festival while it's here. It doesn't happen frequently, you know?" She smiles sentimentally. It's like she instinctually knew what was causing me to act estranged, and it's making me frown. This time, I don't even hide my displeasure...even if I wanted to.

"Even if I don't feel like I deserve it?" I ask, the tension never leaving my chest as I look at her with a guilty expression on my face. It's true, I'm feeling restless and quite panicky the more I look at this festival...I never really noticed it earlier since I was preoccupied with fighting.

But this festival reminded me of a deeper problem I haven't really entirely dealt with.

"You don't deserve it? That's new coming from the men I've met! Hahaha! You sure are something!" She laughs, making me feel less uneasy. I tried to say something else, anything to help me voice out my inner thoughts in a way that was easy to communicate...but it didn't matter to her.

She already knew what I was feeling. Perhaps way too well.

"Well, whatever your situation, it doesn't matter...all that matters is that you should enjoy the time you have here while you have the chance," She smiles, reaching out for something in her bag...and, after seconds of rummaging, she gives me a small lollipop.

"Go ahead and not take it. Maybe it's your time to relax right now...no matter what bad you've done. It's not bad at all if you think like a kid from time to time, so let go of your problems for today,"

I wanted to deny the gift.

I wanted to tell her that it was too childish for me to enjoy a lollipop at my age.

I wanted to say that acting like a child in any given situation would only cause trouble...but I know I couldn't.

So I took it.

I greedily did.

I was desperate for it...a release maybe.

A way for me to get rid of this heaviness momentarily.

"Thank you," I nod at her respectfully as I place the flowers in my bag and look at the lollipop in my hand with a sense of sentimentality.

"Don't mention it, you're still a young man, much younger than the other ones I've seen today at least...so cut yourself some slack and make new memories," The old woman says, smiling and waving back at me, as I move further from the stall...and closer to the statue of the deity.

Getting the bouquet from my bag and offering my respects to the deity statue, I walked away and sat on a bench, still feeling conflicted about these feelings wreaking havoc in my mind.

This festival...those red roses...and the happiness and joy from this place only reminded me of a past memory that can only be described as traumatic.

I know it's not my fault. My father and my mother didn't divorce because of me...but somehow, deep in my heart, this guilty feeling is uprooted quite intensely, to the point that I could never break out of it even if I tried.

To me...this world of momentary pleasure and happiness reminded me of a place I thought I'd never experience once again.

To...go back to a place I once referred to as 'the best place in the world'. It reminded me of my monthly travels to the amusement park when I was a young child. 

My mother and father frequented amusement park dates...not by their own choice, but to please me...a kid who always loved going to big bright places so that they could play without any end. My parents believed me to be much more lively than the other kids my age...and they figured that the amusement park would be good to maintain my liveliness.

They were right about that. I loved them.

I could still remember it from before...the bumpy rides and the dizzy carousel...all the way to finishing much more cotton candy than I can finish....

Every experience at the amusement park would always be as new and fresh as the other...because there would be no end to happiness. To the joy.

...so, who knew my adventures would end just like that when I found my father in the arms of another woman in the amusement park?

And since then, I've strayed far away from lively and happy places.

I told myself I didn't deserve this...that the happiness I felt from these places could never compare to the joy I used to have with my family.

With my complete family.

"Maybe if I hadn't gone to the amusement park, I never would have had a broken family," I mentally remind myself, continuously digging that straight into my brain...even if I knew that was wrong.

Even if I was just making up excuses for myself.

But I'm 19 now...and you know what? Maybe that NPC was right...maybe it's time to make new memories. Maybe for now, I'll just enjoy the festivities without feeling guilty. I'll just purely think of it as earning money for myself and nothing more.

Still...who knew my mood could change this drastically? And here I thought I would actually enjoy my time here...but it's true.

The past has a way of catching up to you.

...yet it doesn't change the fact that I still have to win a plush for Rosalina though. I still have a duty to be her husband, even if it's all contractual. Still...this situation really reminds me of a teenage guy who married early and had kids. 

You can't blame me for it though!

Blame the realism in this game!

Hah...I have to congratulate the developers for this feat. This game and its NPCs really seem too real for comfort...