Young & Sad

The lights above my head glare down at me and I blink against the harsh light. My head swims and I feel like I am drowning just under the surface of my skin. I continue to struggle against the fog, my hands grip the sheets and pull at the fabric as images of my last conscious memory rush through my mind. Panic laces through me and I try to get up, begging my limbs to cooperate, to not let me die here. A hand moves forward and grabs mine and I flinch away. Their warm skin brushes against mine and my eyes dart to the side, landing on a familiar set of chocolate brown eyes. The weight in my chest shifts slightly, still present but manageable and breathing comes a little easier as the panic starts to fall away. Eddie looks down at me with fear and concern on his face. His eyes are blood shot and red rimmed and I want so desperately to reach up and push the hair from his eyes, but my body still feels heavy.

"Where am I?" I croak, the words barely more then a breath and he leans a little closer so he can hear me.

"You're in the hospital," he answers honestly and then holds his tongue, watching my face. My eyes are starting to adjust to the light and I can make out the sterile wires and trinkets on the wall beside my bed, the white paint, and the clean floors. I look back over at him and he sniffles a little, rubbing his nose with the back of his sleeve and I let me head fall to the side. He places his hand over mine and looks down at our overlapping fingers.

"Where are they?" I squeak and he gulps, looking away. His angry eyes stay focused on the far wall of the room and his fingers shake over mine. I use everything I have to turn my hand under his and squeeze. He intertwines our fingers and holds me tightly, the pressure tethering me to the here and now.

"Jason was released once his dad showed up and shoved some money in front of the cops' faces, of course. Patrick is here getting treated for the damage he sustained and he will have charges pressed against him. Once they can clarify from you what happened they will have the last of the evidence they will need and hopefully he will go away for a long time. I'm just upset it isn't the both of them. I'm sure Patrick will try to still pin some things on Jason and they will have to pay a fine, but it isn't fucking enough."

He runs his thumb tenderly over my knuckles, the only soft thing about his demeanor. He turns and looks at me and I see all the worry and fear he felt on his face and my heart squeezes in my chest. He reaches forward and pushes my hair from my face and my eyes close for a moment. I relax into the feel of him, so grateful that he is here with me. When my eyes open again I scan the room a second time.

"Where is my mom?" I ask, my voice growing a little stronger but still sounding hoarse.

"She had to talk to the police some more about the situation so she stepped out for a bit, but she was here earlier." He chuckles slightly, running his hand up and down my arm. "She wouldn't leave unless I promised to stay. As if I was going anywhere. I don't plan on leaving this room until you do."

"Eddie," I sigh, my body relaxing into the bed and he sniffles again. I can tell the series of events are finally starting to get to him, his shaking is increasing and the unshed tears in his eyes threaten to spill over.

"I'm so sorry," he croaks and the first tear pours over and lands on his cheek. He grasps my arm firmly and rocks back and forth as he talks, anxiety raking through him. "This could have all been avoided if I wasn't so stupid. I made such a stupid and selfish decision because of my own fear and I hurt you in so many ways. I almost lost you for good. I hate to think what could have happened to you. What they were planning to do with you. The very thought makes me violently ill and I regret not murdering both of them myself. I don't want to lose you over some stupid mistake. I don't want to waste any more time. I'm so sorry. Please know I'm sorry."

Big, fat tears roll down his cheeks and hit his chest dampening his shirt and he blinks against them as he looks up at me. I pull my hand from his and slowly lift my hand to press my fingers against his face. I slide my finger against his moist skin and push away the tears still resting in the corners of his eyes. He leans into my hand, relaxing slightly against me with a sniffle.

"I know you're sorry," I whisper and his lip trembles slightly. He kisses my palm softly and my arm shakes from the effort of holding it up. His hand comes up and helps guide my arm back down to rest at my side.

"Rest, sweetheart," he whispers and I want to protest but my eyes feel heavy and my head hurts. Eddie leans forward and kisses my forehead. I can smell his cologne and cigarettes and I sigh softly, feeling safe. I slowly start to drift asleep, keeping my eyes closed and listening to the beeping coming from my monitors. I can hear Eddie shift slightly beside me.

"You're my entire world," he whispers. "Please get better."

I want so desperately to reply. To ask him to repeat himself or to confirm he said what I thought he said. But I'm too far gone and sleep finally claims me.

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"I want to strangle him with my bare hands!" I hear Robin stage whisper in a heated voice and I groan slightly, shuffling in my sleep. I hear someone shush her and my mother chuckles.

"I never knew she had such animated friends," my mother says, a smile in her voice. "I mean, I know Eddie can be this way but it's interesting to see that the rest of you are so similar as well. It warms my heart to know she has so many people looking out for her."

My mom's voice gets a little emotional at the end and she sniffles slightly. I can hear someone offer her a tissue and she takes it. I start to blink away the grogginess, stretching against the sore feeling in my joints. When I open my eyes I see my mom standing beside my bed next to Eddie. Robin and a boy I vaguely remember from the night of the attack are at the foot of the bed. Everyone smiles down at me and I feel awkward, like an insect on display at a museum.

"Oh, honey," my mom crones. She moves to sit in the chair beside me and puts her hand on my cheek. "How are you feeling?"

"Sore," I say, wincing slightly as I try to sit up. My whole body feels as though I've been beaten over and over again. I feel as though I've been hit by a car. My mom nods and offers me a glass of water and I take it graciously. I sip at the cool liquid and sigh as it slides down my throat.

"It's a common side effect. We'll get you up out of bed today and see if moving around a little will help."

I must have made a face at the idea because she laughs and kisses me on the forehead before excusing herself to go speak to my doctor. Eddie moves to take her seat and they all look down at me, not saying anything. Robin fidgets with her bag and I raise my eyebrows.

"What is it?" I ask and she throws her hands up in the air, dropping her bag on the floor and running around the bed. She plops down next to me and grabs me around the shoulders and hoists me up against her, squeezing me tightly. Eddie makes a protesting sound in the back of his throat but the other guy moves to clap him on the back, stopping him from pulling Robin off of me.

"I'm so glad you're alright," she says in one big rush and I pat her back reassuringly. She pulls away and holds me at arms length and I stare up at her. "I'm glad Eddie and Steve found those fuckers instead of me otherwise I'd be behind bars right now. I get so bent out of shape just thinking about it."

"And you think Eddie wasn't thinking about murdering Patrick?" The boy asks Robin incredulously, shaking his head. "You didn't see him Robin. I've never seen a man more possessed with rage before in my life. If Ripley didn't need him in that moment, Patrick would have died."

My eyes meet Eddie's and he looks away from me, down to his shaking hands in his lap. Robin releases my shoulders and clears her throat. She stands up and goes to collect everything that dropped out of her bag onto the floor.

"I'm Steve by the way," the boy says with a small smile. "Steve Harrington."

"I remember you," I say quietly and Steve's smile remains. "Thank you for helping me."

"Any time," he winks at me. Eddie and Robin reach over and smack him, Robin hitting him upside the head and Eddie hitting him in the stomach. Steve yelps and ducks away from them, looking offended and I laugh for the first time in days. It makes my throat hurt and my laughter shortly turns into a cough. Eddie moves forward, offering me a tissue and I cough into it with an appreciative nod.

"This is kind of embarrassing, but Robin can you help me," I ask her and she nods. I push the blanket down and off of me, revealing the rest of my gown and my bare legs. Eddie and Steve step back as Robin moves forward. "I need to use the restroom. They've been pumping fluids through me and I've been asleep for a while." Robin nods and helps move my hair away so we can tie my gown closed.

"Why Robin?" Eddie pouts and Steve snickers, rolling his eyes.

"Because you dingus," Robin scoffs. "Going pee isn't as glamorous as you think and she'd rather you not see her do it."

I'm sure my face is red as Robin helps me up. My hand grabs my fluid pump and I pull it forward. My legs shake aggressively and I feel very much like a baby deer as she slowly guides me forward. I stumble slightly and my knees buckle. I'm sure I'm going to take Robin down with me as the floor gets closer, but Eddie is there before I can crash into the tile. His arms come around me and he spins me around to face him. Eddie ducks down and lifts me up, bridal style and instructs Robin to follow us into the bathroom with the fluid pump. She's too startled to argue and she pushes the machine along behind us as he carries me inside and sets me on my feet in front of the toilet. Eddie reaches down and cups my chin in his hand and forces my gaze up to meet his.

"Don't be stubborn," he whispers. "I can help you too. I will be outside the door so when you guys finish yell for me and I'll help you back to bed. Got it?" I nod and he grabs my chin more firmly and gives me a warning look.

"I'll call for you, Eds. I promise." He lets go of my chin and leaves the bathroom. Robin and I share a loaded look as I hoist my gown up around my waist and she turns away, giving me some privacy.

"I'm going to need to find something to fan your face off with before we call him back in here," she chuckles. "You're as red as a tomato."

I drop my face in my hand as I go to the bathroom, trying to calm down. I want to believe Eddie said those things I heard last night, but I can't be sure. And now he is acting this way and it is doing strange things to my heart. I had already made my peace with Eddie and I. I knew that I would never be able to cash in on my feelings for Eddie after what I had seen in the alley behind The Hideout. How could I believe I was special to him when he so easily did the things I wanted him so desperately to do to me with someone else? The trust had gone from our relationship and I wasn't sure we could ever get it back.

I had seen him at the party that night. I had just gotten finished drinking with Patrick on the porch following a heated discussion with Jason and was coming back from the bathroom. My head was starting to hurt and my vision was starting to blur, which I thought was weird because I only had two drinks and could typically hold my own. He was on the couch, his head tilted back and his eyes closed as he took a drag from a blunt and let the smoke drift up and out of his mouth. I wanted so desperately to go up to him. To talk to him as though nothing happened and to ask him to take me home. I took a step toward him when Patrick came up behind me. His arm snaked around my waist and he spun me around to face him, another cup in his hand. I don't even remember what he said but when I turned to look back at Eddie he was talking to some guy on the opposite sofa, laughing carefree as though not having me around didn't matter. I let Patrick pull me away and I chugged the drink he offered me, just wanting to forget how much hurt I had been feeling. It was the last drink I remember taking before they dragged me nearly lifeless upstairs.

Looking back, all my worries seem so minuscule in comparison to this very big and real issue we were just thrust into. I look down at my body as I stand up and I see flashes of that night. Jason's hands moving over my shirt, slicing it open with a knife. Patrick handing Jason money and them laughing at a job well done as they look at my limp form on the mattress. Patrick's hands on my chest, his hot breath on my face and neck. The sound of his clothes hitting the floor, his zipper coming undone. I begin hyperventilating, clawing at my chest and Robin spins around. She runs up to me and her eyes scan my body.

"What's wrong? What hurts?" she asks over and over and I can't see her, can't hear her. I hear Patrick tell me how much he has wanted me. How upset it has made him that I've rejected his advances. He taunts me, making fun of my size, my form, my skin; telling me I'm a fool to think I am too good for him. He makes fun of my relationship with Eddie, telling me no one is coming for me and that no one cares if I rot here. His hand slides between my legs and I can't move. I can't scream. I can't do anything as he touches me through my underwear and as the memory rakes through me I feel as though my airway is constricting. I feel my skin break out in hives and burst into flames and I scream, dropping to my knees.

"Eddie!" Robin screams, frantic and the door bursts open. Eddie and Steve rush in and look around. Eddie rushes to my side and scoops me up into his arm, pushing my machine in front of him as he rushes me back to bed. He sets me on the mattress as I thrash and scream, tears bursting from my eyes.

"What happened?" Steve yells at Robin as she stands at the foot of the bed, panic all over her features and tears in her eyes.

"She just started hyperventilating and clawing at her skin. She was looking at herself as though she wasn't truly seeing herself and then she started screaming. I don't know what happened." Robin says, out of breath. Eddie sits beside me, brushing the hair from my clammy forehead. His eyes search mine and I can see him pleading with me.

"Ripley, I'm here," he says softly. "You're safe now." I pull at my clothes again, the feel of them against my skin like knives and I cut open my chest with my nails in the process, blood gushing from the scratches and coating the fabric. Steve rushes forward and hits the emergency call button. Eddie continues to hold me, his eyes never leaving mine as nurses and doctors run into the room. They take in the sight of my panic and the blood across my top and move into action. One of the nurses brushes forward, pushing Eddie away from me in the process and I scream loudly.

"No please," I panic as they hold me down, isolating my IV. My eyes meet Eddie's as he straightens back up and he nods, assuring me he isn't going anywhere. "Don't leave me!"

"I'm right here," he promises, his voice breaking slightly. "I'm not going anywhere."

The nurse pushes the drugs and I go under, gone to the world.