Forty-three ~ Evelyn

I've fallen into a steady routine in the last two weeks I've lived with Ade.

He insisted on working from home whenever he could and postponed any planned trips. After much debate he's finally agreed to return to work at the same time as me.

Ade wanted to take longer in order to drive me to work and to be there in case I needed anything. But, I've assured him I can handle myself, I don't want him to regret making unnecessary sacrifices for me. Besides, his job is equally as important as mine.

Pulling my blanket tighter, I study the park below. I wonder how many hours I've sat suspended here.

Ade had surprised me with a hanging egg chair in my guest room turned office, providing the perfect camp-out space to drag my literature review across the finish line.

I can't believe it's finally done. I just need to survive my last month and a half of placement then I'm free. Degree complete!

Damn that's scary.

It feels like only yesterday that I started. We used to admire the third years, they seemed a lifetime away. Now they're us and I only feel slightly more qualified than I did in first year.

The idea of potentially being the senior clinician terrifies me. I'm only twenty-one, yet I'm going to be responsible for so many people's health and potentially lives. I feel like a major imposter.

"What has you so deep in thought?" Ade's rich voice lures me from my trance as he strolls across the room.

"Nothing, just daydreaming." I admire his reflection in the glass, his broad shoulders are snuggly hidden under a navy blue blazer.

I catch a lovely view of his ass as he turns before he obstructs my view of the window.

Ade tucks a strand of hair behind my ear, trailing his finger down my jaw to tilt my chin up to face him. "Come on Bear, you were on Mars."

Sighing softly, I concede. "I was just thinking about qualifying, it's scarily close now."

"Evie you'll be a great medic." His stern tone holds a gentleness to it that fills my chest with warmth.

"I don't know…what if I forget something? And everyone likes to be unwell in more then one way, what if I miss something? Or, what if…" Ade's grip on my chin tightens slightly, drawing my racing thoughts back to him.

"Then you'd be human. No one expects you to be perfect immediately after qualifying." Ade's other hand collects both of mine, "You're incredible Bear. If anyone can do this it's you."

"Thank you." His words provide a comforting anchor to ground me as I try to navigate this journey.

Ade leans into the egg, "Anytime Bear." His warm breath skitters over my ear before placing a lingering kiss to my cheek.

"Room for another?" A mischievous grin takes hold of his features, his adorable dimples coming out to play.

"Always." I go to shuffle but my movements are halted as Ade scoops me up before positioning me on his lap, adjusting the blanket to cover my entirety.

I look up at the man holding me, a soft glow from the fairy lights entwined around the chair's stem illuminates his face. I trace his dark eyebrows, his nose and his strong jaw before my thumb rests upon his bottom lip.

Where would I be right now if I hadn't met you? Would I ever have known of such encapsulating warmth?

Ade takes my hand in his, kissing my palm before tucking it under the blanket. I melt against him, the overwhelming sense of safety lolling my mind into a vacant state.

The silence remains intact until the park is painted in an ombre hue of reds.

I could stay wrapped up in this dream forever, but my first shift back after Easter is tomorrow, so I need to go home. A dull ache sits on my sternum as I contemplate leaving.

"I should be going, I need to check everything's ready for tomorrow." I force the words out. They hold the truth, even if I don't like it.

"Of course." Ade states, shifting to allow me to get up. "Are you all packed?"

"Yeah." I push the smile onto my face to mask the warring emotions underneath.

Ade picked up my bags and marched them to the car park. He only paused once for the lift, grumbling to it in return.

After joining me in the car I rest my hand on his thigh, attempting to massage out some of the tension in the muscle. "Are you okay?" I enquire softly.

"You know you don't need to leave, you could stay longer? Hell, you could stay forever." The sincerity burns blazes that dance in his eyes, their warmth contagious.

I caress his cheek, his dimples hidden under determination. "Maybe one day, but right now I need to go home."

"You can commute from here, travel isn't an issue."

"My flat is less than half the commute to work than the journey by any means from here. It won't work, I need to sleep between shifts."

His gorgeous ocean blues give me one last pleading look before turning away and starting the car.

'It hurts me too, you know?' But I don't want us to burn too quickly and burn out, I'm afraid my heart's already cleared out a draw and bought a toothbrush for you.

Besides, I've come this far on my own, what's spending a few nights home alone in my own flat in comparison.

Ade remained focused on the road until we arrived at mine. After opening my car door, he tightly wrapped an arm around me, gluing my waist to his.

Once he'd checked the flat was as expected, offered to stay the night and instructed me to double lock the doors, he hesitantly kissed me goodbye and left.

Listening to the main door swing shut, I push mine closed and use the key to click the second lock into place.

I amble into the kitchen on autopilot, greeted by the wilting bouquets. 'The flat feels smaller.'

Leaning against the basic table, I look over the sad flowers until I'm hit by the sudden urge to know what flowers dying in my kitchen are.

I install a flower identifying app that analyses your photos to tell you the flower species to avoid the Google guessing game.

I snap a picture of the yellow button flowers first. They're Tansies, which symbolise a declaration of war.

After discovering the rest of the flowers had similarly dark meanings, I repeat the search and note them down.

[Rhododendrons - a dangerous temptation,

Aconite - caution and hatred,

Petunia - anger and resentment,

Black rose - revenge and death]

But no one picks flowers for their meaning anymore, they just choose whatever looks nice. Not that the notes were any more cheery.

My pulse begins to thrum violently against my throat as it constricts.

I fall into the closest chair and hang my head between my knees as questions unlock further questions in my brain.

Why add another rose? Does it signify something? Is it a threat? Who would take the time to threaten me?

No, I'm losing perspective. I'm a nobody, it's just a really weird coincidence.

I repeat my rationalisation until my breathing evens out and my heart is no longer bouncing in my throat.

I'm not important enough to be targeted. But, I still double check the locks before going to bed.