CHAPTER TWO

As Arnav advanced into the room, he looked at me for a second with a deeply concerned expression.

“You’re still awake. You haven't slept yet? Aren't you feeling comfortable? Do you need something?” His gaze kept wandering around the whole room but he seemed genuinely concerned about me.

"No. I'm okay,” I tugged nervously at the hem of my dupatta. “I was waiting for you.” An awkwardness had grown between us. I looked around the room, searching for something to insert into the uncomfortable silence. “Actually...um...this room is quite nice.”

He managed a gentle little smile and took out his phone from his pocket. “I'm tired. I'm feeling sleepy.” He pointed to the door I hadn’t explored yet. “That's the washroom. You can get ready for bed.”

I stood frozen with fear. Was he asking me to change? Did he expect me to do all that a wife does for her husband? My blood went cold as ice and my breath seemed to stop. My eyes felt heavy and at the age of twenty-five, I was dreading his touch as if I was fifteen and he was a molester. It couldn’t happen this way. I couldn’t just make out with someone I didn’t know. I don’t care if I’m married to the man, I didn’t know a thing about him! No. I…I needed more time. I know this is what people do their first night together as husband and wife. I’ve seen the movies and stuff. But I can’t. We don’t have to do it like everyone else. We could make it a regular night. A normal one. We should just share the room and leave some privacy for each other. We can just get to know each other a little.

I looked down at the embroidery of my lehenga and then at the floor, anywhere that I didn’t have to see his face. Arnav read the tension in me, the sweat beading on my face.

“Should I turn up the air conditioning? I think you’re feeling too warm,” he said, concerned.

What did he want? Picking up all the courage I could, hoping to judge his intentions, I stared directly into his eyes and what I saw there was unexpected. Arnav, this confident, aggravating man, was just as unnerved as I was. He, too, had droplets of sweat shimmering over the skin of his face. He refused to hold my gaze for more than a few seconds. As soon as our eyes met, his darted away. I was surprised. I couldn't imagine someone like him, someone so infuriating, could be so shy. I could guess how awkward he must be feeling just now. Sharing his room with someone he’d basically never met before. And more than the room, he was going to share the rest of his life with that person. He took a few steps back when I denied with a shake of my head.

I moved toward the suitcases and, while unzipping the largest one, changed the topic. “Arnav ji, could you please arrange another cupboard in here? I do have to keep all my things somewhere.” I kept digging for the nightgowns I had bought during all the wedding shopping. I was only allowed to bring gowns with robes with me though, Mumma thought my shorts and skirts would be inappropriate after I got married. I was supposed to confine my outfits to the traditional style. “My stuff can’t stay in these suitcases.” I opened the second one and dug out my red, satin nightgown.

“Kriti ji, that cupboard is half cleared out for you! Have a look,” he said as he tore his gaze from his phone. “How many clothes do you have?” He seemed amazed as he looked at my stuff.

When I unlatched the cabinet, more than half was empty. Sure, it had enough space to keep my clothes in there, but a girl’s got shoes to think about.

“But the sandals! Where will the sandals go?” my inner fashion-freak panicked.

He threw his hands in the air. “How would I know?”

“You should know,” my tone deadpan. “If you don't, then who would? It's your room na.”

“Yes...but...” he shook his head, “okay...just give me a list tomorrow and I’ll get you whatever you need.” He stared at me for a moment as if I was uncomprehendable. "Now go change. Aren’t you uncomfortable in all that jewelry? Or do you plan on sleeping in that dress?"

"What? No..." I declared. Immediately irritated at being teased.

He interrupted me before I could come up with anything else. "Then go. Please."

At least I was angrier than scared now. But I couldn’t keep my mind from wandering to what he thought would be happening that night. We had hardly spent any time together. How could he expect me to get naked in front of him? I was getting goosebumps at the mere thought of him getting close to me. Things like these take time, we hadn’t even talked at all.

I know, culturally, things are meant to be like that but I hoped Arnav wouldn’t be a staunch follower of the culture. I wondered how other women must feel in the first night of an arranged marriage. Many women are just like me, they don’t know the man they’re marrying. Are all men like this? Just pouncing upon the body of a woman once they get the notion that they own it? Shouldn’t we have a voice and opinion on the matter? Don’t they know we’re not objects designed to please them? My face paled as the fear returned. I grabbed my phone and all but ran to the washroom. I locked the door and sat on one end of the bathtub. The washroom was huge with white tiles on the floor, a nice wash basin, and a big bathtub.

I started pacing, trying to think of what to do now. I furiously tapped out a message to my best friend.

Kriti: Akansha, I'm terrified. I don't know what to do. OMG help!

Akansha: What happened? Calm down? What are you scared of?

What do you think is happening, woman? My heart was beating fast, and I was sure my husband would knock on the door any second.

Kriti: My husband!!! What does he want?! He has repeatedly asked me to change! Why? Why is he is so concerned?! About everything! What is he expecting? I can’t get physically intimate with him like this. CAN’T!

I waited for that little green bubble to pop up like my life depended on it.

Akansha: Are you crazy? Calm down, Kriti. Nothing is going to happen. He’s not gonna do anything.

Kriti: But what does he want?! How do you know nothing will happen!?

I added some screaming emojis for dramatic effect.

Akansha: Kriti, you are an actual mental patient.

Kriti: Shut up and help me!

When she replied, it was clear Akansha was a waste of my time and a terrible friend.

Akansha: Just Change your clothes and go out and talk to your husband. Trust me.

Kriti: How can you be so sure of that? Kamini, It’s me here dealing with this, not you. Can I stay with you tonight?

Akansha: Trust me baby, he’s not that kind of a man. I know him. And I believe in him, so just go out and talk to him.

Kriti: Ah please! I don’t wanna hear that ‘he’s different’ crap.

Akansha: You’re mental. Go to sleep, Kriti.

The bitch sent about 200 kissy faces. I changed my clothes and opened the door, only to, once again, come face-to-face with Arnav. He was standing there. Right there outside the bathroom door. What was he trying to do? Was he trying to peep inside and watch me change? This man, I’ll kill him if this is happening right now.

“What are you doing?” I screeched. He paused for a moment and just looked at me with assessing eyes, from top to bottom…which made me feel even more awkward. He quickly looked away from my gaze when it met his.

“Nothing,” he frowned at me. “I was just getting some water.”

“Water? For what?” I asked in that same irritated tone.

“For drinking.” He looked at me like I had grown an extra head. His eyes holding a mixture of alarm and annoyance. As if he were being accused of some crime he didn’t commit.

“Oh really? From the restroom?”

“From the table,” he spoke slowly, like I was a confused child, and pointed toward the small table near the washroom door.

“Okay.” I felt guilty instantly. I turned back to my suitcases and went about stashing all my stuff in the cupboard. As I turned away, he muttered something under his breath. It sounded like maybe he’d said ‘beautiful.’

“Excuse me?”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. One hundred ten percent sure. I think you have some kind of hearing problem. You need to get your ears checked. I know a specialist, should I help you with that?” he said with a sneaky smile. I’ve noticed that he often gave me that smile while he insulted me.

“I heard you! And my ears are perfectly fine.”

“So what exactly did you hear then?”

“I...I heard you...”

“You heard me...what?”

“I heard you...nothing. Just drop it.”

“As you wish.” He turned and went to the table to pour himself a drink of water with a smug grin on his face.

“Kriti ji, you can sleep on the bed, I’ll take the sofa.”

I was relieved, he was offering to let me sleep alone, which meant he had no intentions of getting intimate with me. Finally, he’d said something which I actually liked. Thank God!

“Okay,” but I immediately felt bad about it. This was his room after all. “Actually, Arnav ji, you can sleep on the other side of the bed. It's okay. I don’t mind.”

He searched my face before he replied. “No. I’ll be comfortable on the sofa. Don't worry.”

I tried to read his face, but, as usual, I was clueless about what he must have been thinking. The awkwardness he felt about sharing the bed, however, was clearly visible on his face. “How could you be comfortable there? It’s too small. You’ll be half on the floor all night. It's fine,” I assured him. “You can sleep in the bed. Waise bhi, it's large enough to share.”

He paused to consider this.

“Okay,” he said slowly as if expecting me to rescind the offer. “Thanks.”

Only sleep mister, nothing else!

I don’t know why I'm never able to tell him what I’m thinking. I can debate with the whole world, but can’t even begin to stand up to him.

I’ve never had anyone else insult me like this. I sat on my side of the bed and left the other half for him, and I watched him as he sat down on his side, grabbed two pillows, and shoved them between us.

“What are you doing?”

His reply dripped with sarcasm. “Can't you see what I am doing? Do you need your eyes checked, too?”

“I can see just fine. But why, exactly, are you doing this?”

His reply contained that same punch of wickedness he was so good at. “Because I don't want you to kick me all night long.”

I saw red, and just barely kept myself from shouting at him. “I don't kick!” But I thought of my sister, and how she used to tease me about my energetic sleeping habits. “Actually,” I could feel the embarrassed blush creeping over my cheeks. “I do. Sometimes. Kavya, my sister, always complains about how much I move around in my sleep.” I stared intently at the bedspread.

He smiled in an amused way as if adoring a five-year-old’s cute little face, “I think I'm better off with the sofa. And, I know who Kavya is.”

“No, you can sleep here.” I didn’t want his back to hurt in the morning, and I didn’t want to be responsible for him having a terrible day because of it. “Right, of course, you know about her, stupid me.”

“You said it, not me,” he mumbled. Again with the sarcasm.

“What did you say?” I hissed.

“Nothing. Just praying that I’m able to avoid blunt force trauma,” he added, sweetness in his voice. “Waise, relax. I also move around when I sleep. Everybody does.” His smile took the sting out of his words.

“Well, at least I’m not alone.” My deadpan tone didn’t quite hide the giggle that erupted from my mouth.

“Let's try to get some sleep. I need to be in the office tomorrow morning.”

“Right. Alright then. Good night, Arnav ji.”

“Goodnight, Kriti ji.” He climbed into the bed beside me, disappearing behind his wall of pillows, and switched off the table lamp. The room was thrust into complete darkness. I couldn’t just lie down and sleep like this. I could never sleep in such total darkness.

“Arnav ji, I, um…there's just one problem with this.”

He sat up quickly, as though expecting me to kick him out and switched on the lamp. “What’s the problem?”

“I…um, actually, is there a night light? It’s so dark here,” I requested keeping the panic out of my voice. I had always been scared of the dark, it had always made me feel unsafe. A night light often came to my rescue.

“A night light. Yeah, there is one. Should I switch it on?”

“Yes, please. If you don't mind.”

“Yup. Sure,” he accepted as if he had been entrusted with the protection of a child and this request didn’t bother him at all. He was now acting like a completely different man, with all that teasing gone, just trying to make me feel at home. He went to switch it on. When he sat back down on the bed he began searching for something in the nightstand.

“What are you looking for Arnav ji?”

“My sleep mask.” He pulled the mask from the drawer and turned toward me with a smile. He was sweet, at least then I felt relaxed.

“I’m sorry for the trouble I'm giving you.”

“No. It's okay. It's nothing.” He shrugged.

I paused for a long while until the reality of our marriage struck me again. “I suppose you'll have to bear it for a long time.”

He looked at me and crumbled my whole world. “I suppose either your fear of darkness will vanish with time or I’ll learn to love these lights.”

This wasn't that wicked smile he so often used to cut me. This was a genuine smile, a real smile, filled with something one could mistake for affection. His eyes smiled at me. There was something in those black eyes I’d never seen before. Something new and good.

“Now let me sleep, Kriti ji. Good night.”

“Good night,” I said as I slid under the covers. We laid there, both facing opposite sides.

Maybe he’s not that bad.

He irritates and teases me, but maybe, somewhere inside, he’s a decent man. As usual, I just wasn't sure. In just a few minutes he’d gone from grating to sweet, and I didn’t know how it all fits together. He was mean but caring. He scared the shit out of me, but also comforted me. I was married to him but I didn’t know if the man lying next to me was actually the one made for me or not. In the end, I didn’t know even a fraction about who he actually was.