Oh F*ck...

*clank**clank*

The metallic sound of a plate hitting the floor drew Sarah out of her thoughts. She looked down and realized that it was the plate she had been drying until a few moments ago and that it had unknowingly slipped from her hands. It seemed that she was too lost in her worries to care about the fallen plate, so, she just stared at it for a moment before snapping out of her daze and quickly picking it up to put it back on its place.

She was grateful for the fact that the other two people in the kitchen, Mr. and Mrs. Anderson, didn't notice her state of mind and dismissed the falling of the plate as a careless mistake. She didn't want them to worry too.

They were already quite old in their early sixties, had retired from their occupations of a doctor and a nurse respectively, and were living in the suburbs, away from their children in London to spend some time away from the cacophony of the city. Just because they volunteered to help at the orphanage out of the kindness of their hearts didn't mean that she could add worries to their retired, peaceful life.

Returning to her task of wiping dishes that Mrs. Anderson, not for the first time since their acquaintance just after the inauguration of the orphanage, had kindly volunteered to wash, she thought back to the origin of her concerns.

All of her worries had started after that accursed, damned, infernal trip last weekend. That trip was quickly proving itself to be the greatest mistake of her life, something she had come to regret. If she could, she would have gone back in time to keep her past self from committing that mistake. Alas! There was no remedy for regret.

At the center of all that was Alex, her son.

He had been behaving weirdly lately. And by weird, she meant Alex had been setting new records for himself this past week. He'd unexpectedly started eating eggs and meat six days ago. It would've been a welcome change if he didn't seem like he was just gulping down the food, that it was not a change he approved of, just a necessity to be fulfilled. He'd begun confining himself more in the library, stopped showing physical affection to other children when earlier it seemed like he was a cuddle addict, hugging children left and right, carrying them, and patting their heads as an elder would. He had started to have this stiffness to his posture like he would fall to the ground if he didn't walk that way.

All these things were not the most worrying change she'd witnessed in him. The most worrying thing was…

"Sarah, is everything fine with Alex?"

Mrs. Anderson, Marie, asked with concern after all dishes were rinsed. Sarah, once again lost in her thoughts, was startled by the sudden question, but didn't seem surprised by the content of the question; after all, a five-year-old child developing dark circles under eyes would be quite an unusual and disconcerting sight. Even a person meeting Alex for the first time would have noticed them, not to mention Marie, who had quite an experience due to the nature of her occupation before her retirement.

"I don't know… He is behaving oddly since last weekend."

Sarah replied hesitantly, unsure if she should tell them about her guesses of Alex hiding something or not.

"Since the time he fainted due to shock? Have there been more such blackouts?"

Mr. Anderson, Thomas, joined the conversation and questioned Sarah about Alex, still leaning against the wall near the door to the kitchen where he had been waiting for Marie to finish. His furrowed eyebrows indicated his pensive mood as he waited for Sarah to respond. After all, he was the one to diagnose Alex when the later fainted a week ago.

"No, that was the only time he fainted."

Sarah responded quickly, hoping to at least get some kind of explanation so that the situation could make some sense to her.

"Did he tell you about his reason for fainting?"

Thomas queried.

"No, he just kept on insisting that he was tired when I asked him the next day."

Sarah answered.

"Are there any changes in his behavior since then?"

Thomas asked once again. He required that information to give a proper diagnosis of Alex's health.

"Yes. He has had a change in his eating habits, his body posture has become stiff, he has begun isolating himself in the library, he has started to distance himself from any show of physical affection by other children, and you must have already noticed the developing dark circles under his eyes."

Sarah immediately listed every little detail she had noticed over the last week.

Thomas looked down at the floor and contemplated the details given to him, processing them in his mind, hoping to arrive at some conclusion. He was a general practitioner; all he could offer was a suggestion to prevent the situation from worsening. If the situation stabilizes, then that was all well and good, otherwise, he would have to suggest a specialist for Alex. After a few minutes, he gradually lifted his head and looked at the concerned face of his wife and the anxious and hopeful face of Sarah before speaking his mind.

"I can't say anything about the eating habits; some children do change them on a whim upon reading something from a fairy tale, or hearing someone talk about some dishes."

Even though Sarah knew that wasn't the case with Alex, she didn't interrupt Thomas on his explanation.

"The reason for a stiff body can vary greatly from something as serious as some infections to simply pest bites, poor diet, highly strenuous exercise or lack thereof, and even lack of sleep. From him isolating himself, which could be due to stress, and his developing dark circles, keeping in mind his recent blacking out due to shock, we can safely assume that he is suffering from insomnia, most probably due to nightmares he may be having, featuring whatever it was that had caused him to faint. As odd as it might sound, this is the only conclusion I can reach for now."

He paused to take a breath and then continued.

"Children have quite a low threshold of what they may consider scary. Something that will not even faze an adult can possibly scare them deeply. In my career, I've often seen parents that undermine their fears instead of sympathizing with them. Even if Alex is smart for his age, at the end of the day he is still a child, so that may be the reason for his hesitance in confiding in you, he may be afraid of you undermining his fear and forcing him can make it worse. Therefore, for now, you can only wait until he confides in you, but make sure to prevent him from isolating himself further. If he really is afraid of something, isolating himself, instead of facing it, will only harm him in the long run."

After this discussion, they all had some small talks for a few minutes until the Anderson couple took their leave, not without offering help in case of emergencies. Sarah then locked the doors of the Orphanage building and thought of everything she had heard from Thomas.

Even though she was sure that they were still missing something, that they didn't know Alex as well as she did, it was still a logical conclusion, and therefore, a possibility. Everything had returned to where it started; to make Alex confide in her.

After her talk with Alex, the day just after he fainted, she'd hoped that he would tell her everything and revert to his usual self. But, the situation only went downhill after that. If what Thomas had theorized was true, then Alex had been having nightmares since days ago and she had only realized it now, six days later, when he'd begun developing dark circle.

She was having mixed feelings about it. On one hand, she was furious. Alex had been unable to sleep, and he didn't even consider telling anyone about it. Didn't he know how much everyone cares about him? Why did he have to hide everything from her? Did he just see her as a caretaker, someone he could leave any time he wanted, even after her telling him how much he meant to her? Even though she knew that the last one was baseless, she couldn't help but think that way in her wrath.

On the other hand, she just wanted to blame herself for not noticing it for so long. Her son had been suffering and she didn't even know about it. Her logical side wanted her to believe that it wasn't her fault, that she wasn't omniscient to know everything, but her emotional side rendered all her logic useless. She couldn't stop herself from wondering if it wasn't her taking care of Alex, but his birth mother instead, would she have noticed?

She would have surely noticed, right? After all, even though she never had a mother or even a mother figure, she'd often heard people say that a 'mother knows everything', especially when it comes to her children. Would she ever be able to reach that level with Alex?

She didn't know, but she would do her best to revert Alex to the way he was before that thrice-damned trip to London. She didn't even know for sure if Alex really was having nightmares, thus she decided to stay by his side the whole night, even if she had to spend it sitting on a chair.

Having her course of action decided, she made her way to Alex's room and gently opened the door. Entering the room, she observed the sleeping children within, looked at their innocent faces; two of them even had a little drool slipping from their slightly opened mouth.

Even after all these years of taking care of children, she never did get enough of innocence, their purity, their naivety they seemed to lose as they grow older. Every child that she had the fortune of raising, however short that duration maybe, left some good memories for her to remember. Remembering those memories, their sweet, bright smile was enough for her to ascertain that the path she had chosen had been the correct one for her.

But, it wasn't time to get lost in those fond memories. She was a woman on a mission and her target was currently sleeping in the opposite corner of the room.

She made it to Alex's bed and sat down at the chair that hadn't been removed since last week. The said boy was completely covered with his blanket, in fact, it could have been a pillow and she wouldn't have noticed from afar in a dimly lit room.

The said boy was also freaking out. Not that Sarah knew it.

Alex was getting more worried by the second. He wasn't prepared for this situation. Sarah was not supposed to come here. Even if she did come here, she didn't need to sit by his bed. Something was wrong. He knew he'd f*cked up somewhere. But, not knowing where was making him anxious. So anxious that he was even thinking in small sentences instead of his usual paragraph sized thoughts, and this being the longest sentence he'd thought of since Sarah entered the room.

He then felt Sarah gently pulling his blanket from above his face. He immediately set his face into the mask of innocence personified. He didn't want to break his act of sleeping.

Sarah looked fondly and somewhat guiltily at the sleeping face of her son. He had such an innocent sleeping face that made her fond of him, made her want to protect him. She felt guilty about the dark circles below his eyes and the fact that she had unknowingly played a part in it due to her inaction over the last week.

"Have sweet dreams, Alex. I'm here for you."

She whispered and began to lightly comb through his hair.

Alex did feel warmth in his heart on feeling her concern, but his mind had a single thought repeating itself again and again.

'Oh F*ck'