CHAPTER 1 | Lost in Cosmos

Listening to music to keep holding on to the essence of life. For I sense that my mind might surrender at any moment. Challenges persist relentlessly, cascading like an unyielding rain.

Have you ever faced a formidable trial that seemed as if the heavens and earth were conspiring against you? I have. Each morning, upon awakening, I find myself berating existence for granting me yet another day. I refrain from seeking blame for my trials, rather, internalize every frustration.

Losing my composure or, worse, contemplating self-harm is an option I dare not entertain. Such a course would only heap suffering upon those I leave behind. And so, I persevere, despite the unfairness of the world I endure. Is it justified to bear this burden all at once?

My parents engaged in a bitter dispute. My mother expelled my father from our midst. The electricity and water might be cut off soon, and our home faces the specter of repossession. Meanwhile, my sister is preparing to give birth, and my father requires ongoing medical care. What more can life possibly bestow upon me?

This is all I can do – to move forward and silently scream within my soul. I cannot voice my grievances nor fathom the depth of my hardship. I must stand strong for those who rely on me. I am capable of surmounting this. I am! I must unburden myself, as it feels as if insanity hovers nearby, waiting to envelop me at any given moment.

Life, in its enigmatic design, appears unjust to me. Such is the current of my thoughts, a perception that paints me as the unluckiest soul to wander this vast world. The adversaries that befall me seem grandiose and overwhelming, each one seemingly seeking to outdo the other in complexity. Yet, the winds of fate brought an unexpected encounter, someone whose presence would set a course of change within my very being, altering the prism through which I view existence.

You may refer to me as Enzo, should you seek a name to attach to this narrative. If you were to look into a mirror, there you might find a semblance of description. Living in the vast plane of Metro Manila where nothing but buildings. In a small yet crowded place colored with a variety of people.

While I may not be the primary breadwinner in my family, I find myself facing a challenging situation. The one who once aided me in providing for our household is now unemployed, as she prepares to embrace motherhood. This has left me to carry the burden alone for several months.

My father, a man afflicted by the torment of diabetes, finds himself unable to labor. His feet, almost veiled in decay, bear witness to the severity of his condition. Despite the challenges he faces, the very mother who gave birth to me sent him away, in what might seem like a harsh act of benevolence. While my father carries an air of silence, the weight of his hands can sometimes be unsettling; as they have inadvertently inflicted pain upon the woman, he once loved, my mother. Such scenes, though distressingly frequent, are etched into my memory from a tender age. Yet, there are moments when they appear as an inseparable, affectionate couple, their love enveloping them in a sweet embrace that defies resistance. These glimpses of love amidst the struggles leave me hopeful for their relationship and my family's future, but they also serve as a haunting reminder of the complexities that linger within our home.

This moment, however, marks the first occasion when my mother banished my father, leaving an indelible heaviness in my heart as I bear witness to this unfolding drama. Acceptance becomes my sole recourse, for the inevitability of the situation defies intervention, and I find myself powerless to change the course of events.

Because of my meager salary, I find it challenging to manage all the expenses that come my way. In the heart of a compassionate soul, the priority lies in nourishment above all else. Yet, the struggle persists, and I reached a point where I could no longer afford electricity, water, or the monthly house installment. And thus, here we are, amidst the chaos, facing a series of challenges.

On my way home from work, I chose to linger in a park, a familiar sanctuary where I seek solace to shed tears or contemplate. The burdens that my family carries weigh heavily on my heart, making it difficult to withhold emotions. I must find a release for these pent-up emotions to safeguard my sanity. The clock neared nine o'clock as I settled on a bench, gazing upwards and closing my eyes, attempting to calm the tempest within. I refused to succumb to the darkness of negative thoughts or entertain despairing ideas.

As I sat in contemplation, the load of our struggles surged, and tears began to cascade down my cheeks. Time eluded me, and I was lost in this moment of emotional turmoil when I felt a presence beside me. Startled, I became acutely aware of my surroundings, instinctively clutching my bag, fearing a potential thief. When I looked at the stranger, I saw him gazing upward with closed eyes. "Remarkable, he exudes a captivating charm," my thoughts whispered in admiration. After a while, he opened his eyes and met my gaze. Embarrassed, I averted my eyes, sensing that he had caught me in a moment of quiet observation. However, when I dared to look back, he smiled at me, causing my cheeks to blush with an inexplicable sense of shyness.

Deciding it was time to leave, I prepared to depart, not knowing him, and wondering why I should initiate a conversation. Composing myself, I slung my bag over my shoulder, just as I was about to walk away, he surprised me by speaking.

"It appears you carry a heavy burden," he remarked. It wasn't customary for a stranger to approach me out of the blue, especially someone unfamiliar. Thus, I continued walking, paying no heed to his words.

"I'm Stephen. Perhaps you'd like to share your troubles?" Still, I remained unresponsive, moving forward with my steps. There was an oddness about him that sent a shiver down my spine. What if he concealed darker intentions? Best to avoid interactions with strangers, particularly when drawn to men, especially those as striking as he.

Nevertheless, I would not simply initiate a conversation with an unknown person. What if he had been observing me, aware of my truth as a gay man, using his charm as bait? Then, once ensnared, he could inflict harm and strip me of my body organs, trading them for profit. No, I must exercise caution. Instead, I'll sell my organs to the hospital, ensuring my family benefits from it, rather than risking all in a reckless endeavor. Indeed, the world has changed. The sustenance of hearts has become scarce, and as a result, many people have embraced the trend of cruelty.

Upon reaching home, I promptly retreated to my room, lying down for a moment. As I was about to close my eyes, my mother's call interrupted my solitude, summoning me to eat. Yielding to the call of hunger, I hurried downstairs without a second thought. The food was already prepared, and though I invited everyone to join, they had already eaten, leaving me to dine in solitude. But I didn't mind; I relished the meal with fervor, savoring every bite.

Afterward, I stepped outside for a cigarette. And there I stood, once again, gazing at the captivating house across the street—a childhood dream etched in my heart. I envisioned a future where I could build a place for my parents, where they would no longer quarrel about money or the house. Such conflicts had always been the crux of their disagreements.

At that moment, I pledged to strive for a better job, to accumulate the means to provide my family with abundance and prosperity. This life wouldn't be our final destination; I longed to offer them a brighter future. With my thoughts in place, I returned indoors, seeking rest before the next day's labor, my customary practice of devoting extra hours at work.

The following day, I hastened my preparations, nearly running late due to my indulgence in a deep slumber. Upon arriving at the store, I promptly arranged the displays, ready to assist the surge of customers. Time slipped away, the flow of people growing, and during it all, someone approached, igniting a moment of unexpected interaction.

"How much is this shower caddy? There's no price tag," the man inquired.