26. Chapter 26

After Knockdown

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: None of this is mine. Still. Yet. Again. Rating: K Time: Duh.

Author's note: I've done a previous After Knockdown, (Chapter 5 in this series.) but looking at it, it's a bit short. So, I'm doing a longer version of the same basic story I did before. Okay?

"Always." Castle said to her with a smile. Kate Beckett continued to hold Castle's injured hand and smile at him.

"Detective Beckett? Mr. Castle?" A paramedic interrupted them.

"Yes?" They said.

"The two injured perps are on their way to the hospital with a police escort. Your two detectives look okay, but we'll need about another fifteen or twenty minutes with them just to be sure. Then we'd like to check Mr. Castle again and do some paperwork on him. Um, he's not a cop, but he's not exactly a civilian, so we're not sure how to log this. It won't take too long, sir."

"Don't worry." Kate said with a smile. "There's nothing Mr. Castle likes more than paperwork."

"Later then." The paramedic left.

Kate sat there, still holding Rick's hand. I've gone through this before. I decided once before I had to kick Castle to the curb. I can't ask him to risk his life that way. My God! What was I thinking asking him to go with me to see Raglan? He could have gotten killed. I knew I couldn't trust Raglan, so I wanted Castle there. I never thought that Raglan would be a target. Hell, I never gave Castle's safety a thought at all. All I could see was a lead in Mom's case. Castle is my partner, my friend, my…Kate's train of thought stopped and she looked at Castle who was looking at her with a smile. I had no right to do that to Castle. Worse, he never gave a thought what I was asking him to do. I asked and naturally he went.

He wanted to say something when he saw the blood on me and thought it was mine. He was upset. Of course he was upset! How could I think he wouldn't be upset? But he wanted to tell me something, I know he did. Something important, but as usual I was too busy to notice until now. I need to think more about Castle and less about what I need. What I want.

Then the confrontation with Vulcan Simmons. How could I have been so stupid? The bastard was deliberately baiting me. He was looking for a confrontation. He baited Castle as well, saying Castle's sweet on me. Simmons wanted Castle to step in so he could take Castle down. Someone like Simmons, a gutter thug, could injure Castle badly, very badly, before Castle knew what hit him. And as bad as getting Castle hurt would have been, it would have gotten worse. Simmons would want to file charges for police brutality and sue the department. Claiming that a policewoman half his size brutalized him would have made him a laughing stock on the streets, but making the same claim about a man Castle's size, a wealthy man, and a civilian to boot? His attorneys would have had a field day. Castle and I would have been tied up in courts for months and my mother's murder would have fallen between the cracks. How can I treat Castle like this, after all he's done for me? I have leads on my mother's murder now. Why? Because of anything I did? No! Because of Castle. Hasn't he done enough for me?

He came to my place to help me. He had no intention of staying out of this. He won't stay out of this. I know I can't make him stay out of this. Not that I tried very hard. I told him to go home, he said no. That was all the fight I put up. We certainly didn't see much of the Detective Beckett who never gives up, did we?

What kind of a person have I become? Castle is my partner, not because the department made him my partner, but because he wants to be. He's my friend because he stayed with me in spite of all the stupid, cruel things I said and did since we first met. How can I do these things to him? Have I let my quest for justice for my mom reach the point where it overwhelms everything else? If I catch Mom's killer and get Castle killed in the process, can I call that a victory? Hardly.

I asked him why he did stay. Again, there was something there he wanted to say. Something he decided not to say. Something he should have said. Something I don't want to hear him say? Josh and Castle. My God, how could I have allowed my life to get so screwed up?

He did say he was my partner and that's why he's staying with me. I know there's more to it than that. I may have trouble seeing anything but my mother's murder case, but dammit, I'm not blind, am I? He cares for me. I know he does. But how much? I keep telling myself he'll never be my one and done, but…

Then he went and sat in front of my window. A perfect target for any sniper looking for me. He was telling me and whoever is behind all of this that he's here for me. I cannot let Castle take a bullet for me. I can't. I couldn't bear to watch him…I can't think of that.

And then we came here. I asked him if he had any dumb ideas. Did he ever!

I have to learn to watch my mouth. I should have just asked him for an idea. Why did I have to insult him by asking for a dumb idea? Castle's idea worked. It worked far better than I ever could have imagined. The first kiss was a shock. I was stunned. The second kiss was… amazing. I wish it could have gone on and on. Castle said it was amazing the way I took the guard down after the kiss. Amazing, my ass, Castle. It was the two kisses that were amazing. We both know that. But what can I do about it? Josh and Castle. Josh is my chance at long term happiness. Castle…He's my deep fried Twinkie. No, that's unfair to Castle. Meredith is a deep fried Twinkie. I've met her and I can see that. Castle is more. A lot more. But would he ever be enough? Would he stay with me?

He won't stay with me if I keep leading him into gun battles with no gun. He'll get himself killed if I keep this up. I absolutely have to tell Castle to back off. Right now! I have to do this. I couldn't live with myself if I got him killed. And it's not just Castle. Alexis is almost the same age I was when my mom died. I couldn't leave her without a father. And Martha! I can't take her son away from her. I have to tell Castle to leave.

Kate looked over at Castle and steeled herself for what was to come. Castle smiled at her and used his other hand to rub circles on her hand. Kate's determination collapsed. I can't! I can't do this without Castle as my partner. I have to have him as my friend. And I can't lose the possibility that when he said "always" he meant always. I just can't do this!

"You okay?" Castle asked, concerned.

"Just thinking about everything that's gone on the past couple of days. Everything's better now."