0. Prologue
Have you ever heard of this? A Suicide Site?
Oh, don't give me that look, I know you have. Pretty much everyone's heard of at least one these days. A website on the internet where you can find various ways of committing suicide or kindred spirits to commit group suicide with.
When I first stumbled upon this, I was deeply confused, to be honest.
For you see, I didn't really want to kill myself, but at the same time, I was at a time in my life that I didn't really want to live either, and the prospect of definitely ending my shallow existence once and for all appeared strangely alluring to me.
Because this world has done everything it could and then some to drive me into the deepest pits of darkest despair.
I am being bullied and ostracized at school, in a way that's more hideous than your standard, by-the-book physical abuse: I was being ignored by everyone, treated as if I was nothing but air. In class, during lunch breaks or when going to and back from school, I was always alone. When an assignment required us to get in pairs, I would always end up as the sole one who had no partner. Every. Single. Time.
When the number of male and female members in our class was uneven, teachers would try to pair me up with girls. You can probably guess how that swell idea was going to end up, but I'm going to tell you anyway, just to kick myself in the balls some more, because at this point, why the hell not? Every one of those bitches would try to weasel her way out of being assigned to me. They did so either by saying they already made a promise to be together with someone else, or when that tactic proved to be ineffective, they would reluctantly join me only to do all the work themselves. And they did all of that without even glancing in my direction or uttering a single word. Oftentimes I could swear I saw the aura of resentment towards me manifesting itself around them physically as a form of protective armor, and comments like 「I feel defiled」, 「I have to go cleanse myself with holy water」 or 「I can never be a bride now」 were so common that I stopped counting them after a 100th time, give or take. I thought I was used to them already, but no matter how often I heard them or in how many variations, they still hurt the same, adding more and more fuel to the brightly burning pyre of my self-hatred.
And before some of you ask that dumb question, no, it wasn't like that in high school only. It was like that ever since elementary school, where I was getting into fights with the other kids almost on a daily basis, resulting in me getting labeled as a violent delinquent. You'd think that things would get better given enough time. Well, boy do I have news for you, they didn't. Not in the slightest.
By the time I was in 4th grade I was everyone's sandbag during almost every break, especially after one of the classes when we were all sharing our dreams for the future with each other. I had, in a splendid display of childish idiocy, blurted out that I wanted to be a professional wrestler. Adding to that, I was always thrown out of the class when it was time to change for P.E., and in the summer when it was time for swimming classes my clothes and my clothes only would always magically end up thrown into the pool. Yup, those were the days of my childhood that I don't want to remember.
I have to say though, things did quiet down a little bit when I began to learn Kendo as a means of self-defense. It was also a very effective way to channel all of my pent-up frustration and violence into something productive. By the time my sh*tfest of a life reached the 2nd year of Junior High, the physical bullying stopped completely and switched to the mental one. I think that one incident when I'd "accidentally" beat the everlasting f*ck out of one of my oppressors and ended up sending him to the hospital for a few months had something to do with, but I can be wrong about it. Well, let's not dwell on the small details for now. Bottom line is, for a while things did quiet down. No one dared to raise his hand against me, but I did become an outcast without a single friend.
Throughout the years of their education kids can be some real sacks of sh*t, wouldn't you agree? Once they will learn that they can't inflict harm upon you physically, they will try to do so mentally. As if there was any real chance of them finally leaving me alone.
The attitude of my father at home was pretty much the same. When my mother died, the first thing he did instead of mourning her was turning me into the object of his domestic violence. 「YOU SHOULD BE THANKING ME, I'M DOING IT ALL FOR YOUR SAKE!」 he shouted as he was beating the crap out of me to the point of unconsciousness.
That was the moment when I finally realized that this is what this wretched world is all about. No matter how hard you'll try to live a good, honest life, the only way for you to make your dreams come true is to do so by eliminating everything and everyone who stands between you and your goal. Only when you are standing atop the mountain of the countless corpses of your enemies where no one will ever be able to threaten you anymore while triumphantly sipping the nectar of sweet victory, only then you'll be allowed to tell that you have truly won the sh*tty game called 「Life」.
Heh, such an outlook on life sounds like it's more befitting of a criminal or a petty member of the Yakuza, but that's how it really is. Without power, you're no one. Just one of the nameless nobodies living their days aimlessly as a member of the like-minded grey mass of mediocrity. At least, that's what I think after everything I've been through.
This world is a hopeless, truly rotten place. Looking back on it now, it must have been precisely because of that.
That was the reason why I decided to click on the link to that obviously shady suicide site I found one night while I was surfing the net in the solitude of my own room after I've had my fill of father's beatdowns for the day.
How should I put it? It was… an eye-opening experience. I'm not kidding, reading through everything that was posted there really helped me understand what a fool I was up until that point. Before, I thought I was the only one who had it rough, but now I finally saw that the world was riddled with hundreds of thousands of people of all backgrounds and ages who just couldn't take it anymore and therefore they searched for a way out. On that day, something had changed within me, as if a switch was suddenly flipped inside of my mind. What began as a curious one-time-only read began to develop into a keen interest. So I've read all the posts, gathered the information, went through all the links and finally reached what could be called the site's inner sanctum.
Thinking about it carefully, this world has brought me nothing but regrets. I had no one I could call my lover, no friends and no family who would support me through thick and thin. And if that was the case, why would I even bother to continue living in such a hell on earth?
My grades were not exceptional in any way. Because of the domestic violence in my family it would be impossible for me to go to the university. We barely had any money to make ends meet. My only redeeming quality were my Kendo skills honed since my early years. In addition to Kendo, I really wanted to train in Judo or Karate, but since the lessons cost a fortune that was impossible. Even with Kendo, I was only able to practice it because the master of the local Dojo trained kids free of charge and also leant them their equipment, but I knew he was not doing it out of the kindness of his heart. That was only an excuse for him so he could give 「private lessons」 to the kids he took a 「liking」 to, especially the girls. So in case you didn't hear me the first time, let me reiterate:
This world is a truly rotten place.
The list of my regrets was much longer than the ones relating to my family's financial situation, of course. One of them was my desire to finally graduate from being a virgin. I mean really, who wouldn't see that coming? Dying without having any experience in sex? Now that would be lame. Just like any other high school boy my age, I wanted to try doing it at least once. I wanted to know if releasing all of your sexual desire into a girl really felt as good as everyone else around me was saying.
Like that, the days went by without bringing any significant changes with them. All this time, I was on the fence about whether or not I really wanted to kill myself. After all, the thought of ending my life with my own hands scared the living hell out of me. I was afraid of the pain and of what would happen if by some miracle I managed to screw things up. And while we are on the subject, I wonder if dying is really as simple as books portray it to be: that you just close your eyes, drift away to sleep and that's it. Well, I guess that might be the case for dying of natural causes like illness or old age, but for everything else? I guess I was still too big of a wuss to test it out for myself.
I was pretty good at Kendo. It might be tough, but maybe if I put more effort into it I'll be able to make my living out of that? That certainly wouldn't be half bad if it worked.
As for losing my V-Card, all good things come to those who wait, I guess. Surely I will get my chance to get down and dirty with someone nice if I were patient. And if I officially attained the status of a Wizard first (reach 30 years of age still virgin)? I didn't give a fuck.
Having such conflicting thoughts in my mind I went on reading the posts published on the site, where I was a regular by this time. And one fateful night, my eyes fell upon a link to a post titled 『Before You Decide To Commit Suicide』.
This is it.
A guide that is going to help me make up my mind!
This is what I wanted the whole time!