32. Chapter 32: Last Christmas

"You're not done!" stated firmly Dr. Wyatt closing the folder on her knees.

"I know I'm not," snorted Meredith. "But with the amount of progress I've done, which equals zero, I'm not sure I'll be done in the next twenty years. So what's the point in me coming here every day? Just to raise my blood pressure?"

"You've made no progress because you're running in circles," went on the older woman. "You're avoiding facing the truth!"

Meredith shook her head silently.

"Yes, you are!" repeated Dr. Wyatt. "Because subconsciously you're aware it's going to be more painful."

"More painful?" she snorted. "Not possible."

"I assure it's possible," nodded Dr. Wyatt. "We'll get back to that. Now, another question. Where are you headed after work? Are you even going to finish work today?"

"I'm headed to The Archfield, as you're well aware of," Meredith gritted through her clenched teeth.

"You're leaving Addie, your sister, alone, at Christmas?" Dr. Wyatt squinted at her.

"She's not going to be alone!" argued Meredith. "She's got Mark, and Derek will be there too, I'm sure."

"Don't you think she wants you there? According to you, you're the closest family for each other."

"Are you trying to send me on a guilt trip?" exclaimed Meredith. "It won't work. I'm doing this for Addison."

"Oh, you're sacrificing yourself for Addison? Just like you're sacrificing yourself for Derek?" asked Dr. Wyatt with irony insinuating itself into her voice. "What a bullshit!"

Meredith opened her mouth, speechless, her chest heaving deeply.

"You're really good at that," commented Dr. Wyatt, shaking her head.

"At what?"

"Autosuggestion. You talk yourself into believing in something that helps to avoid coping with your emotions. You repeat it over and over again, it becomes your mantra. And you convince yourself it's true even if all the evidence to the contrary is screaming into your face. Or… do you?" her regard pierced through Meredith. "Do you really believe it?"

Wordlessly, Meredith turned her head from the riddled face of Dr. Wyatt and stared absent-mindedly at the fish tank on the small table near the window. The water hardly let any light, it was as murky as her world.

That conversation with Dr. Wyatt was yesterday, the Christmas Eve. Today was the Christmas Day and as such she had no appointment to attend to. She realized with bewilderment that she almost missed it. The verbal and intellectual sparring with the older doctor provided some much welcome relief to her secret feelings she couldn't confront otherwise.

She leisurely crossed the small distance between the hotel where she had checked in last night and the hospital. Her eyes glided over the laughing faces all around. There was something special about Christmas, even she couldn't deny it. There was something unique in the air, something unique yet recurring every year. Christmas, it made you want to be with the people you loved. Yet, she couldn't.

She wasn't the only one, she thought with a sad smile. Over the years, she learnt to fish out other hopeless cases from the crowd. It wasn't really that difficult. Those people, they were easy to read. They didn't look at their surroundings, avoiding the sight of happy families passing by. Yet, their eyes travelled back inadvertently as it was too enticing of a view. For a few seconds, one could even imagine themselves in their place. Just as fast, the image vanished and the reality sank in. And the lonely little people scurried away, pretending they didn't have a care in the world.

With a resigned sigh, she entered Seattle Grace. Now, here the contrasts were even more clear cut. Some were overjoyed to end their treatment in time to celebrate with their loved ones. Families of sick people were reunited while others, others were torn apart in grief.

She get off the elevator on her floor and stopped abruptly having made a few steps ahead. Her forehead creased in a frown as she scanned the lobby. There was something off. There was definitely something off but she couldn't put her finger on it.

Lexie whizzed past in front of her, making her snort. Her doe-eyed half-sister was wearing a red Santa Claus hat with a white fluffy pompom on the end. Meredith hoped she wasn't going to pester her again to join the Greys at the family dinner. Where did she get the idea that Meredith would like to come? But if she wanted to wear silly hats, she wasn't the one to stop her. It might even make the hospital look more warm and friendly for patients.

Something else caught her attention. A little group of doctors were standing around the counter and laughing wholeheartedly, a bit too eagerly for Meredith's judgment, at Derek who was cracking a joke. She had a nose for liars, bad liars especially. She saw them shuffling on their feet trying to strike an innocent pose. Most of them were wearing formal clothes under their lab coats instead of the usual comfortable scrubs.

" 'Morning," she greeted walking by, wondering what were they up to.

Everyone reciprocated with quiet greetings, only Derek grinned widely and wished her cheerfully, "Merry Christmas!"

She quirked her eyebrow quizzically only to scowl down at him, "It will be merry when I cut some skull open."

"Phew, we're safe!" Izzie let out a sigh of relief and giggled when their Chief proceeded on to her office. She placed the dinner menu she was hiding behind her back on the counter.

"She'll be after our heads," grumbled Mark. "She hates it already even if she doesn't have a clue what's going on."

"She's going to skin me alive," muttered George trying to act cool and collected though a hint of panic was noticeable in his voice. "Who allowed this crazy idea to come to life? George. Whose fault will it be? George's-"

"Stop whining, George!" berated him Izzie. "It's gonna be great! We just need to be extra careful, that's it."

"And how do you want to sneak the caterers into the hospital, huh?" he asked sarcastically. "Under the crash carts?"

"Hey! Hey! You're bickering on a day of joy like this?" Miranda put them into place. "You've heard Dr. Grey. She said she wanted to cut so you should give her just that. There's a trauma requiring neurological assessment, page her! Keep her in the OR."

As Meredith disposed of the latex gloves and moved to the sink outside the OR room, she thought she was right telling Dr. Wyatt once that Christmas was a normal day for her except the invasion of trauma. Although, today was even more intense than the usual festive avalanche of household accidents. It was barely past midday and she had already performed two surgeries and given three consults. Neuro department seemed to be bursting. If she was paged all the time, Derek was probably even more busier.

Or… he wasn't, as she discovered walking through the ward hosting post-surgery patients. Apparently, Dr. Shepherd was in no hurry, nor had he been, seeing as he was wearing a button down shirt and a tie, the button down shirt she liked so much, the one he wore for the intern mixer…

She crept silently and halted behind him, Mark Sloan and George O'Malley, who were all chatting up lightly, laughing occasionally.

"Having holiday fun?" she asked with false sweetness, her arms folded across her chest.

They turned abruptly to face her, with an apparent indifference. She snorted inwardly seeing the guilt painting on their faces. The guilt was oozing from their pores.

"I've been working my ass off since this morning and you're just standing here idly?"

"We're… we're working," assured her George with an eager nod of his head. "We've just stopped by on-"

"You know what I hate as much as lies?" she growled at them. "Lame excuses! Christmas is not an excuse to be lazy at work! Can you take care of your patients now, do you think?" she asked ironically but she trailed off as her vision slid behind their shoulders, inside the patient's room. "Or you can tell me… what that damn clown is doing with this patient?"

"He's not a clown!" the three men answered together at once.

She arched her eyebrow tapping her foot.

"Well, technically he's not a clown, he's Santa Claus," replied Mark with a tiny smirk.

"Great, Santa Claus," she snorted. "And how did he get to be here? In the room of that patient, the very adult patient I may add? And better do not ask what I'm gonna do with you if one of you answers that through the chimney!"

"Actually, no, he came on foot," George let out a little laugh. "But he may have left his sledges outside-"

"Are you trying to be clever? Better not be."

"No, Ma'am," muttered George. "We just thought it would… be a nice gesture to… to make the hospital look more… homey for the patients who have to spend the holidays here." He was going to kill Izzie for her ideas, for which now he had to explain himself profusely. Shepherd and Sloan weren't much of a help either.

"And you wanted to achieve that by inviting… him?" she pointed at the man in the costume behind the window.

"You don't like Santa?" asked Derek cheekily.

"You mean one of the fat perverted guys in creepy red costumes and fake beard who like to sit in the shopping malls with little kids on their lap surrounded by blonde big-boobed bimbos in skimpy elf skirts?" she fired on one breath. "I think they're just adorable!"

"So much repressed rage," Mark shook his head at her.

"I think you meant expressed," quipped Derek with a challenging grin into her direction. "Loudly."

Meredith's eyes went wide. Were they standing up to her? To her face? Just like that?

"I-" she began but she was silenced by the beeping of her pager. "What the fuck! Why am I paged again?" she huffed and broke into a run towards the pit.

"She really is a Grinch," commented Mark.

"She's not," disagreed gently Derek. "It's not easy to be happy and cheerful if you're alone."

"She's gonna skin fire me when she learns about the dinner," sighed George. "And Izzie went grossly over the top with that Santa… I'm gonna find her and check she didn't plan any disasters for the evening."

"You sure you're not trying too hard to make her happy?" asked Mark skeptically after George departed.

"I don't have any illusions," answered Derek seriously. "It won't make her happy. What I hope is that she'll be a little less alone."

"And that's all you want to achieve?"

"Why do you ask if you know the answer already?" Derek laughed quietly not meeting his best friend's regard.

"Because I want you to realize you're exposing yourself to a fall again," reasoned Mark.

"There's nothing you can do about it," said Derek with resignation. "There's nothing I can do about it."

"You're so screwed," sighed Mark.

Derek leaned back heavily against the wall. He was screwed because he was getting his hopes up. He got his hopes up every time he looked at her.

Meredith tore the scrub cap off her head with annoyance. She never thought there would be a point in time where she was sick of the OR but she was simply drained. She thought she hadn't been that exhausted with her shift since her intern days. She was done for the day; if someone paged her again, she'd go for their life without second thoughts. On the other hand, the busy day at work spared her witnessing holiday love and happiness all around. The OR was sterile clean, the thick walls resisted Christmas spirit infiltrating inside.

He made her way towards her office peacefully. Yes, peacefully, as the corridors were oddly calm and deserted but for several nurses faithfully keeping watch at their stations. Soon she found herself on the next floor that seemed to have assembled the majority of staff who didn't have to be working elsewhere. She frowned curiously at the muffled sounds of conversation, laughter and some music. In no time at all, she was at the door to the biggest of conference rooms, currently the center of hospital activity, and she was momentarily rendered speechless by the sight.

Dozens of hospital workers, from cafeteria personnel to doctors, were swarming around the room, eating, giggling, laughing… She crossed the threshold feeling overwhelmed, her eyes sweeping the decorations in wonder.

"Holy mother of destruction…" she managed to mutter under her breath.

"Meredith!" Addison appeared at her side with a wide grin.

"What is going on in here?" asked Meredith, still dazed.

"Our Christmas dinner party," answered simply the redhead.

"Why am I learning about it just about now ?" inquired Meredith, folding her arms protectively.

"Because… you wouldn't have agreed if you had known?" asked Addie lightly.

"Whose idea was that?" Meredith bombarded her with the next question disregarding her gentle jab.

"Ours," Addie shrugged simply.

"Ours?" snorted Meredith. "I've been in neurology for years and I haven't heard about a case of several brains at once executing exactly the same mental procedures. So, whose idea was that?"

"Derek's, okay?" sighed Addison in defeat. "It was Derek's idea. Just… don't lash out on him. He did nothing wrong and… he did it for you!"

It was Meredith's turn to sigh, "I don't want him to do anything for me, Addie!"

"Meredith, what happened to you two? You were so in love, so happy-"

"Addison, we are not talking about this," she cut her across. "Not in the middle of… this, not today, not ever. It's over and done with, it's in the past. No, I'm not interested in what you've got to say," she quashed her sister's attempts at protesting. "Excuse me, I'm starving. I haven't eaten for ages. If it's a Christmas dinner, then I'm entitled to find something dinnery for me."

She freed from Addison, wound her way through the crowd to the tables stopping for small talk every now and then.

"Merry Christmas!" Lexie shot straight to her ear. Her cheeks were flushed and she was holding a glass of wine in her hand. Great, passed through Meredith's mind. The younger Grey clearly couldn't hold her liquor. And that was supposed to be her sister? That was all that she needed at the moment, her half-sister making a scene in front of the whole hospital. "Merry Christmas, Meredith… Dr. Grey… Meredith!"

"What are you doing here?" Meredith asked curiously. "Don't you have a family to go home to?"

"I have family here, too," shrugged Lexie, alcohol making her more bold and forward than she'd usually dare to address her boss of a sister. "I want to spend Christmas with my sister."

Meredith's expression softened against her will. "Merry Christmas, Lexie," she sighed and stepped around the younger woman to prevent her from doing something stupid, like hugging her.

She sank into a chair at the end of the joined tables, her eyes gliding over the faces of the Seattle Grace loners. Well, well, well… It seemed that everyone had been informed about the event… except her. It looked like a little hospital rebellion, with conspiring Derek at the lead. She lifted her eyes from her plate and saw him standing near the opposite corner of the room deep in conversation with Bailey and her husband, which he stopped at some point… and was now looking back at her, smiling gently, just the way when he was "dreaming her up".

Once bitten and twice shyI keep my distance but you still catch my eye

Damn it, they were playing that song. That lame cheesy song you could hear everywhere during Christmas time. The problem was that she liked that song in some creepy twisted way. It always made her a little mushy and melancholic.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heartBut the very next day, You gave it away

She gave away his heart and he still didn't give up. She yelled at him, she behaved like the most repulsive person on earth and he still didn't give up.

Their visual connection was broken as Miranda's little overactive son bumped against Derek's legs.

A crowded room, friends with tired eyesI'm hiding from you and your soul of iceMy God I thought you were someone to rely onMe? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on

Meredith watched him laugh softly and scoop the little boy up in his arms, immediately indulging in a passionate conversation. Her heart constricted at the thoughts that sprouted in her brain. He was a natural with children, he would make a wonderful father one day.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heartBut the very next day, You gave it away

This year, to save me from tearsI'll give it to someone special

She wasn't that special one for him even if he didn't realize it. She was a wreck of woman, she had been from the beginning. She was not able to give him happiness, she was unfit. She wouldn't be a good mother either, she thought with a painful weight strangling her throat. She was Ellis Grey's daughter and as such genetically impaired in that respect. She'd do anything to spare her children what she had been through during her childhood and adolescence, even if it meant not having them at all.

She took a sip of wine and noticed Derek wasn't with Bailey anymore. She scanned the room. He was slowly but steadily making his way towards her, she could tell as much. He wasn't smiling anymore, though. He was grinning… wickedly… She frowned and then looked up above her head following his gaze, her eyes widening. Why was everything against her today? A garland of mistletoe was hanging above her head. Well, the damn plant was everywhere anyway and it was surely Derek's doing.

Now I know what a fool I've beenBut if you kissed me now I know you'd fool me again

Her traitor of a body shuddered imperceptibly at the sole idea of a kiss and her core contracted involuntarily. It was ages since she had been with a man, with the man. The concept of having a sexual intercourse with other men repulsed her. Her stomach plummeted for a moment; what if she would never be able to have sex again? She brushed off all her musings as fast as they appeared in her brain. Someone blocked Derek's path shielding her from his view and she took advantage of the moment to make a hasty escape mingling through the crowd.

This had to stop, she took a resolve leaning against the wall with a beating heart. They couldn't drag this on for eternity, they needed closure. If harshness and coldness didn't deter Derek, she had to try different tactics. It wouldn't be the first time to lie to him, she was doing that for the past month but somehow what she was about to do felt heavier, more definite and appalling… wrong. It was for Derek's sake though, she would persevere.

Derek was one of the last participants of the dinner to leave the hospital. The event proved to be a partial success. True, everyone had a good time, together time, instead of slugging on a coach watching the same movie re-runs for the hundredth time. Yet, he didn't manage to get Meredith on his own, not even to exchange a few words with her. He was sure it wasn't that much of a disastrous evening for her, she even talked to her sister without trying to kill her with the power of her regard. She wasn't alone that evening and that was what he had wanted to achieve. Trying to cheer himself with that thought, he wrapped his coat tighter around him and straightened his collar up walking out of the building into the cold December air. He observed the scenery around; the sky was pitch black punctuated with twinkling stars; the deep layers of snow were dazzling white, sparkling in the light of the streetlamps. It was a beautiful night.

"Derek." He heard his name called and his heart almost stopped still. He turned back breathlessly, his eyes falling on the one person he didn't expect to see at all. Meredith was standing several feet from the entrance to the hospital, shielded from passers-by. He watched hypnotically as she left her spot and slowly moved closer to him, her face relaxed and peaceful.

"Meredith," her graceful name rolled off his tongue reverently.

"Derek," she sighed. She used his first name again after more than a month of formal address. He had almost started to hate his surname. Dr. Shepherd this, Dr. Shepherd that… "What I'm going to do with you, Derek?" she asked softly cocking her head.

"I can think of a thousand things," he whispered.

"I'm not going to yell at you for tonight," she said disregarding his words. "It was a nice gesture, you made more than a few lives a little more bearable. So, thank you for that."

He nodded wordlessly, completely taken-aback with the way she was speaking to him. It felt almost like being suddenly transported to a parallel world. "You're… you're welcome," he stammered and exhaled deeply, leaving a cloud of vapor in the cold air.

"I… I tried to do it the hard way," Meredith took up, looking him straight in the eye without a shadow of doubt or hesitation. "Ironically, I thought it would be… easier. Easier for you."

"What are you talking about?" Derek's frown started to return onto his forehead. Despite the promising beginning, there was something hugely wrong in this conversation.

"I know you did it for me tonight. All the effort, the preparation. You made other people smile, and it's good but… don't try to do anything for me."

He opened his mouth to speak but she just shook her head and took another step closer so that her emerald eyes were all that he was able to see.

"Because… I'm not the one the one to give you what you need," she stated quietly, her face so close he could count her eyelashes. "I can't give you more than this…"

He felt her lips hovering over his, lightly, ephemerally, hardly more substantial than a breeze. All too soon it was gone, the coldness of the air biting even more harshly on his skin.

"Derek, I don't love you," she told him in a clear decisive voice. "Derek, I don't want to be with you."

His eyes prickled uncomfortably and it wasn't from the low temperature. He searched for any indication that she was lying but there was none… Her green dry orbs were looking at him indifferently, her voice didn't waver even once.

"I want us to get the closure this time," she went on pitilessly. "You have to move on, I did."

He tried to say something, argue, scream, anything to stop her, to convince her otherwise. But he didn't do it, knowing with every painful fiber of his being that it wouldn't do any difference.

"Goodbye, Derek," she said quietly with the last little smile on her lips walked off to her car, leaving him alone standing listlessly on the sidewalk.

He didn't know how long he stayed in the same spot in front of the hospital, disregarding the lateness of the hour and the snow that started to fall from the skies again. He inhaled deeply filling his lungs with cold air. There was nothing he could look forward to anymore, no hope.

A/N Yeah, I know… I thought maybe I should have warned you that the Christmas update wouldn't be all cheesiness and fluff. But I can promise you it's the last heartbreaking update in this fic. I'll fix MerDer very soon now even thought it doesn't look like it right now. The next update covers one very explosive day at SGH and will once again change the way Meredith thinks.

You probably have enough of the drama but I hope you continue to enjoy… Comments?

Have a great weekend,

Em