All the pain of yesterday

The house is empty and smells odd. I'll have to light an incense stick. I have been back for twenty minutes and there's no sign of Zainab, I called her the moment I realized that she wasn't in and she didn't pick up the call. Thoughts of seeing Habib earlier engulf me so much that I don't take off my shoes before sitting on the floor, my mind is a mess right now. I need to talk to someone, anyone. I grab my phone, I check for the message Hassan sent me earlier, my mind says that I should call him, I am finding it hard to press the call button but I find myself pressing it still. 

After five seconds of ringing he picks up the phone 

"Hello" 

I hear from him, I want to end the call and just do something else, maybe take a walk, or fry pancakes but I hear my mouth uttering words I don't intend to say to him. 

"I am sad and need to talk to someone so I called."

"You have come to the right place," he says reassuringly but I don't want to talk to him about it again. I stay silent. 

"Is Falak still there?" his voice is soothing, I want to hear him call my name over and over again. 

I wipe a lone tear from my face, "I feel like dying Hassan" I'm wiping more teardrops from my face now.

"Why?"

"All the pressure and the trouble, so many things are bothering me. When a problem goes life brings another one, I just feel like I should quit... I just." 

"Don't say that Falak, if you do what the negative energy surrounding you is telling you to do it'll mean that you have lost but if you keep fighting then that means that you're strong."

I'm crying now, my sobs following each other, "I can't, I have done something terrible and every time I see my ex I am reminded of it." 

"Whatever it's that you have done is now worth killing yourself over, you can't kill yourself so I want you to wipe your tears and tell yourself that you're worthy."

"I saw my ex today" I say, "he reminded me of all the pain of yesterday if you know what I mean." 

Hassan is silent waiting for me to continue 

"Can you believe that he's stalking me? We separated three years ago, but he's still following up on my life, stalking me, invading my privacy."

"Tell me more" 

"He begged me to forgive him today, after three years. I told him that I wouldn't because he is unworthy, he broke my heart and also is the reason why I hate myself, I feel hurt over what he made me do, or that I made myself do because of him."

I'm crying now, uncontrollably. There's mucus coming from my straight nose, my long lashes are wet, my eyes are heavy and my voice is croaking like that of a frog. 

"Calm down Falak, please? Can you?" 

I begin to see my father's face, and his blue eyes. I'm the only one that looks exactly like my father in the house. I remember my dad's radiant smile and I break down all over again because I chose an unworthy person over him. I keep on crying, Hassan is asking me to keep calm, I'm too ashamed to tell him what really happened so I just end the call and put my phone on airplane mode. 

What can I do to make it go away? I don't like this feeling, I'm losing my patience, I look all around the house. I want to break something and the only things I can break are the television, the vanity mirror in the parlor and Zainab's flower vases. I have to rethink, if I break them then I'd have to buy them again and I don't have the money for that, so I pick up a throw pillow and scream in it. 

Two minutes later I drop the pillow and remove my shoes, I walk like a drunk person all the way to the room and I draw out my cupboard to bring out my old diary which I hardly wrote in. Writing and reading have always been my form of escape even when my dad was alive and my mom would get angry over the fact that I choose books over responsibilities and chores, my dad would support me. 

I break down again, how could I have chosen Habib over my dad? Even if I was at the walls of China, shouldn't I have run home the moment my mom said that my dad wanted to see me? my eyes are heavy but I pick up my black pen, I only write with black pens and I begin to write. 

September 2017,

This was the day my father died but I didn't find out till hours later because while the message of my dad's demise came in I was driving to Habib, my exs house to confront him on stalling me on my birthday. 

There are two things I regret in life: 1, not loving myself enough 2, not seeing my dad before he passed away. 

I want to keep writing but something doesn't feel right. I haven't written anything personal in years, I scratch my eyes and push the book away. I suddenly begin to feel the air conditioner and it makes me want to sleep, but I don't do that until I go to the parlor and lock the door, I then plug my phone in a charger and change into sleep wear before I pull the blanket over me before sleeping.

****

I think I overslept because when I wake up the sun is shining so bright it could blind a person, the roads are busy as I can hear the sounds of cars honking and there's a sound coming from the bathroom. This means Zainab is back home, I don't feel the need to tell her about yesterday. It has come to my realization that Zainab is hardly ever around when I need some help, she's always with Al-Amin and I don't want to complain so that she doesn't feel like I'm jealous of her happiness. 

I stay glued to the bed but stretch my arms and turn off the airplane mode. I put my phone down before sleeping. There's a message from my mom. My heart skips a beat when I see it because my mom and I haven't really spoken for a while, she's a busy woman and I'm a busy woman too. And I know she doesn't call me all the time because of my past behavior I have done so much to push her away from me all in the name of guilt. 

I press my palm in my face and open the message. 

Hello darling Falak. It's been long I spoke to you and your phone isn't going through, please call me when you see this. How have you been? How's school and studying and your fried Zainab? I have been thinking about you all day so I felt the need to call you. I hope you're not offended because I know you like your space but I have really missed you, your sister and brother say hi and they keep asking for when you would come home. 

You haven't also called home to ask for money so I have been worried, check your account balance I credited it earlier. Please take good care of yourself, be a good girl like you have always been, be prayerful and please call me when you see this. Xoxo

I think my heart is melting, my mom feels so scared of me that she apologies for checking up on me. This adds more to my grief. I don't even know that I'm crying until Zainab hugs me. 

"What's wrong Falak? Why are you in tears?" 

"It's nothing, I just read a message from my mom just now and I was moved to tears." I put on a smile, "she says to greet you too." 

Zainab's eyes sparkle, she has light brown eyes. 

"I'll call her now" 

Zainab moves to the wardrobe to pick an outfit, before dialing my mom's number I wonder if she would go out again today. I want her to stay at home though so that we can bond a little, I'll ask her to cancel her plans if she has any. 

***

The phone is ringing and my heart is beating fast in synchronization with the ring. I always feel guilty when I call my mom knowing that I have not been the best daughter she would have wanted. I always remember how I ignored her call the day my father died, I hope that someday I have enough courage to tell her what I did, that I had chosen a man over my father and that maybe not seeing me led to his quick death because my father and I were inseparable. 

She doesn't pick up so I put the phone aside but then a call comes in almost immediately, my heart is beating fast I know it's my mom. I come to terms with reality; that I have to start facing my demons so I pick up. 

Assalamualaikum mama 

I can swear that my mom is smiling widely because she has missed me and my voice so much. She sighs, it's a sigh of relief that I'm alright and that I sound healthy. 

How have you been my darling? I have been worried sick about you, why do you not call me? Have we offended you? Did you see the money? Do you need more? 

All these questions begin to remind me of why I need my mother every step of the way in life, why I was wrong to have withdrawn from her. I know she feels like it's because I was very close to my father that I changed after his death, sometimes from her eyes I know that she wants to talk to me about it but I have built my wall so high and so strong and it's very sad because I put a wall up for the wrong person. 

I am moved to tears again, I don't know if it's period hormones or if it's just me being myself - a cry baby. 

I'm doing great mama, I wish I called earlier. How have you been? And Amal and Ibrahim? I have seen the money mama, I saw it not long ago and I am doing just fine. Thank you

You don't need to thank me Falak, I absolutely don't like it when you thank me for doing my job, be sure to pray all the time ok? 

Yes mama

Be sure to read well ok? 

Yes mama, I won't let you down I promise. 

I know you wouldn't my darling, your father would always tell me that you would do great things and I know that you would. 

At the mention of my dad I freeze but mama is very much into what she's saying that she doesn't notice that I have held my breath. 

I pray the Almighty Allah bless you and your siblings, you are a blessing to me. I pray for you always my darling, please take very good care of yourself. Ok? 

Yes mama. Where are my siblings though? 

I miss them so much, it's been a month since we last spoke. 

Have you forgotten that it's a school day? They're in school. 

I wish them the very best mama, please take care of yourself while taking care of everyone. 

I can literally feel her smile and the sadness buried in that smile but she laughs it off and the call ends on a happy note. 

****

After bathing I walk into the parlor and find Zainab eating pizza with extra cheese now the funny thing is she left a slice of pizza for me out of 

8 slices of pizza and all my life I have only known Zainab to eat not more than four pizza slices, I want to nag about her leaving one slice but I don't have the strength to and as I stretch my hand to pick the last slice she beats me to it. 

"You must be very hungry" 

"I am, I feel like I can eat the whole house right now." 

I wonder why she ordered one though. 

"The delivery was fast." 

"Yes I ordered it from a pizza hut and their place is not far, it's trekkable." 

"I see." 

I turn on the television and tune in to Nickelodeon. Luckily for me SpongeBob is being aired. 

"Can you turn down the sound?" 

I do as she asks. I don't like the vibe she's giving me today, it's like I have offended her and she doesn't want to speak and she knows that's whatever it may be she's free to talk to me about it. 

"Is anything the matter?" 

"What do you mean?" 

"I just feel like we haven't bonded in a while" 

Zainab shrugs and it hurts me. 

"Where were you last night, I came back home before 7 but you weren't here and I slept by 11"

"I was with Alamin." 

I feel like there's more to it but since she doesn't want to say more I leave her to it. 

"How's he?" 

"He's fine" 

It's awkward now because Zainab and I don't talk like strangers. Our conversations are more vibrant. 

"I saw Habib yesterday." The way Zainab turns and looks at me is like I have just dropped a bombshell. She's coming back to her normal self now, I can see regret in her eyes, that she wasn't here to help me out in whatever mood that I was. 

"Are you OK?" she's concerned about me, there a pity smile on her face. 

"I cried about it but I'm good."

She leaves her chair and comes over to mine and hugs me. 

"Tell me everything, Falak, please. Did he touch you? Did he harass you? If he did then I'd kill that boy myself." 

"He did none of those things Zainab, but he has been stalking me. Yesterday wasn't the first time I saw him this month." Zainab eyes are wide now, she's furious that I didn't tell her about the first time. 

"I swear I thought that I would never see him again, he bumped into me, or I bumped into him I don't really know and then when I raised my head and saw him he pretended to not know me. So yesterday after a horrible date with James Smith I bumped into him again, he pretended to not know me again but I dragged him back by the arm and threatened to report him to the police if he keeps on following me. "

"Huh... The audacity that boy has to come into your life again, if I had seen him I would have scratched him with my nails." 

I don't know when I burst out laughing but the sound of my laughter fills the whole house, Zainab joins me in laughing too both of us hugging after our laugh dies down. 

"First tell me about the date, why was it horrible?" 

"James Smith left before I came out of the convenience room because he couldn't afford to pay for his coffee. Guess what?" 

"I agreed to split bills because he said so. If he had informed me that he didn't have money I would have paid for us." 

"Just be thankful he's gone, good riddance." 

"So about Habib, he asked me to forgive him" 

Zainab's eyes have gotten so wide I fear they may fall off her face. 

"What did you say Falak?" 

"I said no."

"Oh my Falak," She says holding my hand and rubbing it, "I know how hurt you're but in order to find peace within yourself you have to forgive him, not because he's deserving but because not forgiving him is doing more harm to you than him."

I think about what she has just said, "You're right, but I'm not ready. When I finally find the strength to forgive him I'd forgive but not now and I don't think it'd be soon." 

"You should take all the time you need Falak, I would never push you into doing what you don't want to do because I don't know what I'd do if I had to go through what Habib did to you through Alamin. I mean when you finally find a place in your heart to forgive him, know that you're doing it for yourself and not for him."

"Thank you," I say while hugging my best friend tightly. I mean how would I be without her support? 

"Will you be seeing Alamin today?" I'm curious because I haven't spent much time with her in a while due to the fact that they're mostly together. 

"Why?" 

"I want us to spend the day together. You and I are talking about girl stuff and catching up on what we have missed about one another." 

"That will be great, Falak." 

We hug once more and I turn up the television sound SpongeBob is still on and he's currently laughing while trying to catch jellyfish at the park. 

We both laugh when squidward says something stupid. 

>>>

We plan on making this one of the best nights of our lives. I made pizza while Zainab ordered for Donuts, lemonade and ice cream. 

We bring out our projector which we haven't used in a long time. We only used it once and that was a year ago during Zainab's birthday because we had invited friends over for a sleepover. 

There's two blankets on the carpet and big pillows, we pushed the couch back and put the food and beverages in the middle of the carpet. The pillows surround the food, the blankets are folded neatly on a pillow. 

Zainab turns off the light as I insert a girls trip disc into the projector. The moment the film starts playing I pick a pizza slice and open up the lemonade, Zainab on the other hand rests her body on her hand as she puts all her attention on the film. 

It takes 2hrs 2mins for the film to end. It's 12:30 now and the parlor is cold due to the air condition. I want to turn it off and at the same time I want to leave it on. Zainab's voice interrupts my mind battle on whether to turn off the ac or not. 

"I have something very important to tell you Falak." 

Zainab's serious tone puts me in a serious mood too because whenever she sounds like this she's about to drop a bombshell. 

"I had sex." 

"What!!?" 

My eyes are wide open and so is my mouth. I don't know how to react, she knows that I wouldn't hug her and congratulate her for doing this because it's against everything we have been taught. I also don't want to judge her. 

"It was the day before yesterday." 

"Why did you do it Zainab?" 

"I didn't think much, we were both on the bed and laughing when next we felt a magnetic force pushing us to one another."

"Are you sure that he didn't force you?" 

"I consented to it, Falak, I'm just so confused I don't know if I did the right thing or not." 

"What does your heart tell you the most about what you did?" 

"It says that I have done the wrong thing." 

"Then there's your answer Zainab. Anything outside marriage is a sin, I know that everyone is doing it but it's wrong, it's not even healthy because you could end up having a baby you're not ready to take care of. I wish you had not done this." 

Zainab slumps her shoulders and sighs,"I want to say that I regret but I don't, Falak, there's a conflict in my mind." 

"I just want you to stay away from Al-Amin for now, can you do that for me please?" 

"How can you ask me to stay away from my other half? That's impossible." 

"I wish that I could have prevented this from happening. You aren't ready." 

"I just wanted to get it off my mind by telling you." 

"Promise me that you wouldn't do it again?" 

"I won't. It wasn't even fun, it was extremely painful and I don't want to relive that experience." 

One thing runs through my mind though. I hope that my friend doesn't get pregnant because that would be an entire different thing. 

I don't want to tell her this but I'm disappointed in her. Whatever it's she shouldn't have agreed to this. She's a Muslim and it's prohibited, and she knows this. I have lost all the vibe I had due to this news. I'm supposed to be rejoicing with my friend on her becoming a woman but I can't bring myself to do that. 

Maybe tomorrow I would ask her to tell me about the details but today, I would sleep early and cease my mind.