The Monster I've Become

I heaved a deep breath as the blade dug deeper into my skin. Every part of my brain screamed in agony, begging me to stop what I was doing but the more I felt the searing pain, the more I wanted to continue. It was the only way to remind myself that I was still alive; the only way to silence the demons in my head that continuously begged me for freedom; the only way to keep me from falling apart.

My eyes followed the blood as it traveled from my wrist down to my elbow, and eventually dripping into the cold dirty sink. A shaky breath escaped my chapped lips when another cut, from just a few others, ended up deeper than I intended. The blade felt cold on my flesh, delaying the hellish sensation it entailed, but as soon as it lost contact with my skin, the pain came crashing in like wild waves.

It's better to feel pain than feel nothing at all, I thought.

All of a sudden, I was reminded of my father and his twisted way of thinking. Naalala ko na sa tuwing sinasaktan niya ako noon, lagi niyang sinasabi na mabuti nga't nasasaktan pa ako, dahil ibig sabihin noon ay buhay pa ako, na para bang maitatama ng mga salitang iyon ang nagawa niya. He spit out the most complicated things, and would force me to understand his reasoning, though I never really did.

He thought that saying "this is what you deserve" would help me accept my situation, or heal all the bruise and lessen the pain he himself inflicted towards his daughter.

I hated that about him.

If only people could choose who their parents would be, then I would've crossed him off the list, crumpled his name and burned it so I'd never have to read it again.

But ironically, I'd slowly turned into the same person that I loathed the most.

Carefully, I positioned the blade a few spaces from the last gash, a thought of adding another one repeated over and over inside my head. I'd always found it hard to stop whenever I started hurting myself, like it was a drug consuming me and clouding my rationality. But as if to stop me, a loud knock on the door echoed inside the room, forcing me out of my trance.

"Danielle? Nar'yan ka pa ba?" I froze at the sound of Mrs. Valencia's voice. My heart pounded rapidly against my chest. Pakiramdam ko ay nahuli niya ako sa ginagawa ko kahit pa nasa kabilang panig siya ng pinto.

Sa halip na sumagot, nanatili akong tahimik. Inilipat ko ang paningin mula sa pinto papunta sa salamin na nasa 'king harapan. The moment I saw my reflection, a faint smile slowly forced its way across my lips.

Saying that I look horrible was an understatement. I was a total mess. Not just because of my bloodshot eyes and dark bags hanging underneath them, but also because of the amount of blood covering almost half of my dress.

Maybe I should take a bath? Then clean up the whole bathroom in the process. After all, it would be bad if someone saw this mess.

"Danielle, sumagot ka naman. Ayos ka lang ba? Kanina ka pa nar'yan, nag-aalala na 'ko. Hindi ka pa ba lalabas?" Mrs. Valencia said, now in a sweet tone.

How disgusting.

It would have been bearable if it was genuine, but I knew better than to trust words spoken by sly tongues. She never really cared about me, or anyone in particular inside this wretched orphanage. All she knew was to look good in front of people, manipulate them with her angelic facade, and take advantage of their naivety. That was pretty much how she got to where she is today.

Though she may have fooled everyone, but not me.

"I'm fine," I lied, just so she would shut up. "I'll be out in a minute."

"Sigurado ka ba, hija? Kung ganoon, hihintayin na lang kita sa ibaba. Malapit na kasi silang dumating. Basta't bilisan mo, ha?" she replied, which I deliberately ignored.

Groaning, I threw the blade into the trash as a flashback of the conversation we had last week suddenly came into mind.

Sa limang buwang pamamalagi ko rito sa ampunan, sa wakas ay binalitaan ako ni Mrs. Valencia na may pamilyang gusto akong makilala, at baka sakaling gusto rin akong ampunin sa kabila ng edad ko.

Malaking balita iyon, dahil para sa mga batang kasalukuyang naninirahan sa lugar na ito, isa 'yon sa pinakamasayang bagay na maaari nilang marinig. That was quite obvious. After all, why wouldn't they be happy? After you had lost almost everything in life and was currently living out of other people's compassion, hearing that someone wanted you to be a part of their family would definitely be something to look forward to.

But not for me.

None of those happy feelings arose from within me. To be honest, the whole thing was a pain in the ass. Pretending and forcing yourself to believe that you could be a part of something-even though you could clearly not-and trying to get along with complete strangers labeled as 'family' would be such a tedious and painful task.

Kaya bakit ko mamadaliin ang sarili ko para sa mga taong gusto akong ilayo sa lugar na 'to? I never asked them to come here in the first place. They were the ones who wanted to meet me, so why should I be the one to compromise? It would've been better if they just left me alone.

Bakit ba kasi dumating pa sila ngayon? Kung kailan malapit na akong makaalis sa ampunang 'to.

The bloody mess that I made took more time to clean than I had estimated, which only showed how I got carried away.

Only when I was sure that no trace of it had been left did I finally stepped into the shower, letting the cold water wash away every filth of my body. Each drop of water against my skin felt like ice, devouring whatever heat there was within me until I felt completely numb. It was uncomfortable, yet soothing at the same time.

If only it was this easy to wash away my deepest insecurities as well, then living wouldn't be that hard.

But, no. Life just had to be so unfair. Whatever path I chose, it was as if I'd been already guaranteed to end up under the upper hand, like a curse destined to follow me. Being born in my family, and having the same blood as the monster that ruined my childhood was one of those curses.

And now, getting adopted after all these months might just be the best or worst thing that had ever happened to me.