king_frosh

Nope Describe the voice as cold and flat... Almost as though a machine was speaking

Not convincing enough

Somehow... She is a mother seeing her son in danger Its motherly instinct

Dialogues should have a start and an end not a paragraph inbetween Instead do something like this: ... "Good day to you all, my little mortals, today is your time for ascension out of your little cresspools..." a being said via the recording. "I have a treat for you today, one you all would love" The being continued ... Something like this is enough to make a long speech feel shorter

It's an icon not a menu

Overall Chapter review: Your first chapter should introduce us, the readers to your character but we just know the name, Max. Who is he? What is his full name? How tall or fat is he? What is his full name? .. These should be in your first chapter and maybe even spill over

She is an older woman at least in her thirties A full name is required Remember, you aren't just creating characters, you are creating a person A person that exists in a world you created in your book Same with Max

Oh.. Should have read this part as well

Ayo... Is he f-ing the cat

Not a good introduction for a novel. It should introduce Max to us as a person not a concept ... Recommended style is to describe him in a building or doing something relevant Not waking up unless it is relevant to the set up