The Slappening
Chapter 25: The Slappening
"Gato! My second favorite ultrarich dwarf!" I shouted while holding my arms up in the air for a hug.
The anxious dwarf just looked up at my arms in the air so far above his head he'd need a ladder to reach them and just decided to wipe the sweat accumulating over his little round glasses with a silk handkerchief.
I put an arm over Hirohito's shoulders and laughed, "Told you I had the right money guy to make it happen! Funding and ships in one place, and we scheduled this meeting along our travel route. The efficiency of this operation is already astounding."
"Oh, now you're scaring midgets too? How low can one man stoop?" Tsunade Senju threw shade from a nearby table with drink in hand.
"Why you hounding me, hag?" I shot back, "Can't you see I'm trying to look cool in front of my friends?"
"Me hounding you? It's not my fault you planned your trip through the Land of Fire to hit all the best casinos." Tsunade scoffed, putting an unreasonable amount of jiggle on her massive decolletage, "Why don't you just admit you wanted to run into me? Aren't you the guy who wants 'All the tiddy meat' or something stupid like that."
"Tiddies are worthless when they are attached to someone who won't let me put my dong on them!" I growled in response, "That's basic math!"
"I can't believe someone taught an ape math?" Tsunade jeered and threw back her drink, leaving a lusty flush on her face.
"That's super insensitive, ignorant, and vile." I declared as if offended, "That was a shameful remark and you should feel ashamed."
"Maybe we should leave this discussion to the ninja." Hirohito smiled pleasantly and put a hand on Gato's moist shoulder pad, leading him away, "I hear you have prior experience with colonialism."
"Oh, ah, I wouldn't say I have experience with colonialism per say…" the dwarf stammered as the Daimyo pushed him along, leaving Tsunade and I to stare at each other.
I maintained eye contact, no need to blink, keeping my eyes moist and fresh with some delicate water chakra application, kind of like Water Chakra Flow, but with my eyes instead of my sword, though some might say my gaze is 'cutting'. Tsunade obviously healed any literalness to that phrasing insidiously, completely under the radar of my chakra sense, though obviously the woman had a near perfect control of her chakra making her hard to perceive at will, and she very much willed to during all our encounters. This silent exchange of sword eyes and silent healing continued as the tension continued building, and at its apex I went for the kill.
"How 'bout it then?" I asked smoothly.
"HchmmHchmm!" she snorted, "Does that actually work on anyone."
"I give it a two thirds success rate, though I'm shocked it failed this time." I mused, taking my chin in hand as if pondering the complexities of life.
"You really think I'm the type to fall for loser shit like that?" She scoffed, faking a slightly offended tone.
"Mhm." I nodded, "The first thing I look for in a woman when I do that is intelligence." Perhaps boozier than expected, Tsunade's face revealed shock at the compliment, "If a woman doesn't have that, she's mine."
"Oh fuck you!" she growled and poured herself another drink.
"I wish, that's why I hit you with that move." I explained the obvious, making sure to add some extra patronizing into my tone, "I guess I'm going to have to find out another way to pick up dumb chicks, maybe I should try having money, power, and rock hard abs. Oh wait, I do? I'm best in class in all those things! God damn it sure feels great to be super successful, maybe you should try it some time?"
"When was the last time Kirigakure won anything?" Tsunade tilted her head like a sphinx accepting an answer, "I seem to remember you and your entire village existing on the fringe of everything, never having a strong economy, military, or even an enviable culture? You're the king of losers barking up at a goddess hoping to get a chance to hump her leg."
I reeled back and clutched my kimono over my chest, "Oh, I'm hit! She hit me right in my biggest weakness, historical facts! How ever will I get over the shameful past of my little savage country origins? When I leave the pile of fucked silly women at the orgy I'll be hosting later, and curl up on the mountain of money you've made me, I'll have to use some of it to dry the tears from my incredibly handsome face before I go to sleep."
"How'd some two bit loser like you get confidence like that?" Tsunade demanded while pointing a finger at me.
"How'd some washed up has-been like you find out I was a two bit loser?" I demanded right back, mirroring her pose.
"I swiped a bingo book off some chunin in the last town." she haughtily explained and I nodded in acceptance.
"Neat." I shrugged, "Why don't you take a break? All that cleavage makes my dick hard and it's an insult to all the hot chicks I bang that my erection ain't about them. You're supposed to be some kind of feminist icon, but you go around stealing valor from all the baddies. These glory hog tendencies do not become an old retired bitch."
"How is it even possible to be so egotistical that even the way other people look is about you?" Tsunade's pointer hand transitioned into a face palm.
"Little bit of nature, a whole lotta nurture." I proclaimed as if expounding on the Dao, "My whole reason for being on this earth is about other people, so I make sure I take every chance I get to be all about me. Otherwise I'd just get lost in my work and my life story would be about everyone else."
"You're unbelievable." she scoffed, her hands on her hips, further emphasizing the expanse of creamy tit flesh sending my brain blood to my boner.
"I'm real." I stated with my hog at full attention.
My silk pants tented wonderfully to emphasize my point. Tsunade closed her eyes and grit her teeth, her fist raised and shaking.
"You…!" she growled.
"I'm not giving you any money." I tilted my head back to look down my nose at her.
"I'm going to beat your ass for all of womankind!" Tsunade announced with a scream, her chakra bursting out.
"Just try not to punch the ground or any walls or something stupid like that. Punch like a normal person, you dumb cow." I smiled widely and bobbed my head, beginning today's weaving master class.
Tsunade's megaton fists landed on nothing but air around my head as I moved defensively with a slickness and ease to it that outsiders with developed dynamic vision must have thought she was punching around my head. Every time she missed I slapped her across the face just hard enough for a tough old broad like her to feel something.
"What the hell?" Tsunade gasped between slaps.
"Your face feels good." I grinned as my palm impacted her swelling red cheek once again.
"Stand still and take it like a man!" she shouted and redoubled her efforts, her sloppy form tightening up as I slapped the rust off her fighting skills.
"Damn, they must have done me dirty in the bingo book-" combo slaps, "-for you to think I'm that stupid." I had to slap her hand up when it dipped low, "The fuck I say about doing stupid shit like punching the floor. This is a nice casino. Lotta hoes."
I put some more intensity to it when she went for it again, that big overhand right that just keeps going till she punches the goddamn floor.
"Don't you dare let this scene we are making scare the hoes!" I commanded as my slaps started coming faster and harder, that is how adding more speed to the equation works after all, "It's all fun and games now, but if those bitches run away screaming my orgy plans are ruined. I hate it when they're all crying and shit."
"How the hell are you so annoying?" she screamed as she tanked the beating and kept swinging, "I can't even look at you without wanting to punch your stupid face!"
"And I can't look at you without wanting to glaze your face, you don't see me getting violent about it." I mocked her, "And right now you can thank your lucky stars you're so pretty, otherwise I'd turn this beating up so high they'd have to find a new tier of shinobi to put you in for surviving. Hot damn, girl, got me feeling like Hanzo up in this bitch!"
"Don't make me laugh." she said with swollen lips, "You don't hold a candle to Hanzo."
"Why don't we call this one off and find your old teammates so I can beat your asses together." I ridiculed the old bitty, "Maybe the nostalgia will fix all your fucked personalities."
Tsunade finally pulled back, looking like someone held her head in front of a pitching machine. She raised a green chakra covered hand to her face and grinned, "Bet, bitch."
"You don't exactly have a history of winning those." I smirked as we backed down, my hands lightly throbbing from slapping the hard headed hag around.
"I'm going to find my friends and we're going to beat your ass so bad you won't ever step foot out of the Land of Water again!" she declared, using her free hand to point at me again.
"Make sure you treat yourself for a concussion." I advised the medical master, "I didn't have a high opinion of your mental health before I applied all the brain damage, but now you're just talking crazy."
"We'll see who's laughing next time!" she smiled then turned to leave, "Come on, Shizune. We have a pervert to find and a jackass to fix!"
As Shizune carried a pig behind her strutting master through a crowd of gawkers I couldn't help but marvel at my powers of persuasion, looking at my hands like seeing them for the first time. My mind raced as I went over the available data, crunching numbers, eliminating variables, and arriving at the obvious truth.
"My slaps have the power to convince losers to turn their lives around." I nodded to my hands, finding my conclusion to be good, then turned my gaze to the crowd, pointing at a hot chick in a slinky red dress, "You!" I nodded when she pointed to herself, "Get over here and suck this dick!"
She deserved better than to play second fiddle to an abusive bitch, but needs must when the cock rises.
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