Unnamed

I'm not sure what it is exactly, whether it's because I can still have a vivid memory of you. I thought things would last but it seems like it couldn't work out no matter how many lies I've told myself, I tried to pretend, I've tried having hope things could be different but in the end I was only fooling myself. Now since you left I've only had this weird feeling which I can't even describe besides it making me want to have a breakdown but no tears would ever come out, even when I hurt myself even more to have even at least a single tear come out. I do regret letting you go, I do regret giving up, but there was no other white lies I could give myself to hang onto something that was already dead. No matter what, the red thread I believed was there was nothing but a white thread that was easily cut off between us; I would be lying if I said I didn't miss you and that feeling you had given me but maybe it was never there? Maybe the feelings I had were all in my head and I am only hurting because I lost something that helped me get distracted from my reality.

"Are you awake?" a distant voice murmured, everything sounded muffled and when I opened my eyes everything was blurry. I had my head down resting on my arms which were crossed on the desk, I slowly lifted my head and rubbed my eyes trying to clear my vision. "You're finally up, it's lunch, let's get you something to eat." I nodded then removed my hands from my eyes then lifted myself up off the chair.

"Why'd you wait for me? Everyone has already left" I looked over at her as she just gave me a comforting smile then placed her hand on my shoulder.

"Well I didn't think it was fair of me to leave without you, now come on let's get something to eat" She wraps her arm around mine then tugs on me dragging me out of the classroom.

"Jule, I'm sorry for making you wait so long for me" I said, facing my head down clenching my fist.

"Azul you don't need to apologize" She stops in the middle of the hallway and turns to me, "I understand you don't always like to smile and feel guilty for things but come on, you're more special than you think and you shouldn't be too hard on yourself." She puts her hand on my chin lifting my head up then gives me the same smile as before, "Now chin up and give me a smile, I've known you for years I know you're hiding that beautiful smile somewhere" I looked giving a wistful smile, she removes her hand from my chin then nods at me letting out soft laughter "There you go Azul, now let's get something before next class starts" I nodded then we both headed off to the cafeteria. I've known Jule only because my mom had met her mother when they were younger, so when they both became parents they had put me and jule's to have play dates and ever since then Jule was the only person i ever knew. She has been there for me in every situation even when my dad had left my mother, Jule's mother had offered to live with my mom and help around since my mother had some trouble with her job; she had sold her food down at the market but it hadn't been enough to keep up with the rent and provide for me and her. So when Jule's mother moved in with us things got better, my mom was still able to sell her food and Jule's mother worked for a corporation which paid her well so everything had been balanced with income. 

Jule has lost her father while he had fought in a war, he was shipped off when she was barely born and he had never come back so it was only her, her older brother and her mother. Even with things being okay at home, I couldn't say the same for school, word had gotten out that my father had left my mother and it was a never ending rumor of it being my fault saying I was a mistake ruining two people's marriage by being brought into this world. "I heard his father left them for another woman", "Was it because he had a secret family and chose the other woman?", "I thought it was because he found out he was gay" "Wow really? A gay? How disgusting". It was all I ever heard, everywhere I looked everyone had whispered and looked at me in disgust; it shouldn't be important but is this eating me up inside.

"Hey Azul, do you think we will go to the same college together?" Jule says with a box of juice in her hand as she takes a sip. We had sat at the rooftop of the school every time at lunch because it was the only claiming area which didn't overwhelm me with anxiety.

"Maybe, didn't you want to follow something with Art designing?" I say as I take a bite out of a piece of bread from the cafeteria.

"Yes, but some colleges do accept what we both want to major in. We just got to pick out a good one that offers us the things we both want." I nodded in agreement then looked at her.

"How come you want to go to the same one together?" She placed her juice down then turned her head to me.

"Because, who else is going to take care of you? Your anxiety doesn't do too well when talking to new people, and well we do mostly everything together so shouldn't it be fun going to the same college?" She brushes her hair back behind her ear then looks out to the city.

"That is true" I looked at her and thought about it, she isn't wrong. She has been in most of my classes from elementary to high school, so I guess I never thought of making new friends since she was always there with me. Maybe that's why I'm not used to talking to new people? It even took me a while to get comfortable with her own brother, but it still feels weird being around someone who isn't her. Sure they do look alike, same black hair, light brown eyes, and pink lips with light brown skin, soft facial features, but it isn't her. She has more of an outgoing personality that brings smiles to people's faces, always comforting and has a warm welcoming aura; but as for him he seems to keep things to himself and always was cold, he always has been so serious as well.

The final bell rings and class ends at 3, I walked out heading to Jule's class since this was the only class we didn't have together and I always waited for her at the classroom door. Her class ended at 3:20 so a few more minutes left gives me time to make it across campus. I looked down at my phone to check if I had missed anything while I was in class and saw a message from mom.

[Mom; Adonis is taking you and jule's home today, be safe xx]

Having Jule's brother take us home? I guess that'll be easier than walking all the way back home, but seeing him makes me feel awkward. 

"I don't even know when his class ends, but it should be around this time too, should I call him?" I mumble to myself. 

I scroll through my contacts looking for his number and I hesitate, do I really have to? Does he even know he's taking us? Adonis is just a grade ahead of us. He had been a senior as for me and Jules. We are still juniors, I don't think we've seen him much around the school or managed to run into him. He always is just doing his own thing, especially when we get to school we go our separate ways and meet him back at the house since he always has something going on after school, which should I ask him? Maybe I'll wait for Jule to do it. I reached her class room which was still in session, I turned off my phone and looked up to see Adonis waiting by the door already for her. 

"Now I have to wait.." I check the time [3;05] "15 minutes?!" I said loudly in shock, everyone looked at me confused as I apologized, smiling awkwardly, dying of embarrassment. 

"Azul" Adonis called out to me and I looked at him scared, jumping a bit but he waved me over to come to him, I slowly approached, already feeling this heavy pressure of anxiety of being near him. 

"Please let time go fast" I whisper to myself.

"Do you know what time Jule's out?" he asked me as I stood in front of him, I looked down avoiding eye contact and nodded.

"She's out at 3:20…" I said nervously then moved next to him to the wall. I pulled out my phone and scrolled through it to make it seem as if I was busy.

"I have basketball practice so will you guys be fine waiting? It'll end at like 5, so if you guys want to look around you can just come back so I can take us home." He looked at me waiting for a response but all I could do was nod. Then silence fell and it felt awkward with no one speaking, I kept checking the time but it was barely going up. [2;13] it's only 7 minutes left but feels like eternity with how slow time is going, I am dying out here.

"So, do your friends also go to basketball practice with you?" I tried to break the silence with a question but I forgot this man lacked communication.

"Yeah." he responds with no emotion either. How can anyone be friends with this person?

"It's that gay kid, why is he with Adonis?" I overheard two girls whispering to each other as they passed by us down the hall.

"Do you think he's trying to turn him?" the other girl says

"How disgusting, don't say that! Who would ever be with someone like him." the other responds.

I look down disappointed then pick at my nails, no matter where I am it's always something. I think I would prefer being not known than someone who gets made fun of something that I am, why do people have to be so cruel….