Ecstasy 8

"What?" I was puzzled, the loud slam made me even more nervous and I couldn't think or even process what was going on around me.

"Let's make a deal, if you are doing that with him because of one then I want to have a deal too" He removes his hand from the door then takes a step back trying to clear his head and control his emotions before he had spoke again "Go on one date with me, I'll plan it all, just agree to go and if you don't feel comfortable or like it then I will keep my distance" he looks down sighing then looks up at me moving closer again "But if you feel even a bit of attraction then promise me another date, I'll be everything for you, and prove that what I say is true." He leans down to look at me face to face but I look down, unable to keep eye contact with him, he puts his fingers underneath my chin lifting it so I look at him then putting his thumb on my lips. "What do you say?" He removes his hand then waits for my response.

"I…"I don't know, what do I say? I mean, it's not something bad. He isn't asking for a lot just a date and he said if I didn't feel anything he would leave it at that. So is it worth the risk? He had always looked after me and Jule even if he kept a distance from me, he had always taken us everywhere we needed and would help my mom with any chores around the house; he was always so cold and Isolated but that was from what I knew. He hadn't gotten closer to me until recently so I hadn't gotten a chance of knowing who or how he was when he wasn't trying so hard to remove himself from my life, so, "Okay, I'll go on a date with you but I think I need time before I'm ready so just…wait to make an official day, okay?"

"Okay," he stands back up looking down at me "I will wait till you're ready, just, let me know okay?" The tone of his voice keeps changing, he had spoke softer and he seemed more at peace.

"I will, Adonis" I don't think I can deal with this all, I just want a break. We went back inside as everyone looked at us waiting for some kind of response, but I didn't know what to say, I walked over quickly to Jule grabbing her hand then running up the stairs with her. I don't know what to do, maybe she could help me see more clearly. I closed the door behind us as she stood in front of me confused and worried.

"Is everything okay?" she says look at me as my head was face down, why couldn't this all just have waited? I needed time to think about things but why is this happening when I can't even understand myself right now.

"No, I just." I tried my best to not break but I can't bear these feelings anymore, it's stressing me how much I can't even understand them and why I was feeling this way. "I just want to be happy, but, I don't know anything else besides this feeling" I slid down the door sitting on the floor, my hands covering my face as I started to break down crying. She comes over sitting next to me then places her hand on my arm, "I don't even know who I am, how can I decide to be with someone right now? My heart hurts."

"Well, you don't necessarily have to be with them right now?" she says in a comforting tone "You shouldn't have to force yourself to make others happy, you should be the one you love first before you love someone else." she removes my hands from my face as my eyes are red from crying tears running down my face, "And if they really like you, then they would understand that" she wipes aways the tears from my cheeks then softly smiles at me.

"I just don't know why I am like this" I sniffle trying to catch my breath before I started to cry again "I know these thoughts and ideas shouldn't bother me but it's difficult to understand why, why they won't just leave" I look at her my words stumbling out my mouth "I, why, just can't I be happy and move on from this."

"Azul, just focus on yourself first okay? It seems like you've been superessing these feelings for to long they are trying to come out and it's becoming overwhelming for you but that's okay" she turns her body to me crossing her legs together "You need to know that, it's okay that these feelings are okay to show and you don't always need to distant yourself whenever you have them"

"I just, don't want to be a bother because I know my emotions can get out of hand and sometimes I don't know how else to stop them" I do the same turning myself to face her "I know I have you, but even then I'm afraid that these feelings could end something like a friendship like ours and it'll pain me if I ever lost you" she chuckles then flicks my head.

"You know damn well I'm not going anywhere, so just please, if anything ever happens just tell me okay? Swear to me you won't put everyone else first, and that you would focus on yourself" I nodded then smiled at her the pain slowly fading away "pinky promise it then." She holds up her pinky finger then looks at me seriously.

"Okay" I hold out my pinky finger crossing it with hers then letting go. Maybe it has just been me putting everyone else's feelings first, I am so used to these sad feelings that feeling anything else just makes me self-sabotage, I just need to let go of everything that pains me and understand that even if these feelings come back I'm not alone.

After that night I do feel like I was a bit better than before, I had dragged myself so far down in this hole I didn't value myself like a human. I had felt so disassociated that I forgot I was real and someone else in this world that could also affect things around me, I felt so displaced ever since my father left his abuse was what stayed with me and it only ever haunted me. The need to also be liked by everyone didn't help my situation at school when everyone there had targeted me for my sexuality, it's okay, it'll be okay. The next day my alarm wakes me up around 7 am. My body aches as if it had been bruised up, my eyes still puffy from yesterday. I still feel so drained. I looked at the ceiling dozing off everything feeling disoriented it still didn't feel like I was real, knocks came from my door; I dragged myself off the bed walking to open the door seeing Jule and Adonis all dressed up.

"Are you ready?" Jule seems to be excited for something as Adonis nudges her hard with his arm pushing hers.

"Come on, we have to stop somewhere real quick before school" Adonis says with an expressionless face.

"Give me a few minutes I'll be down soon" they nodded head back down stairs, I closed my door then opened my closet to change; I looked at the time again reaching in my pocket for my phone and it was barely 7:02 where would they wanna go so early? I didn't bother to question it any further, tossing my phone onto my bed then putting some clothing together. Maybe I should try today, maybe that'll help my confidence. I grab a gray white striped flannel with a graphic art style white shirt with wide light brown jeans that had folds on the bottom; I grab a silver heart necklace I had wrapping it around my neck clipping it on. I grab a hair comb splitting my hair from the middle trying to design it from each side like a leaf cut style leaving one side a bit longer which falls a bit over my eye as the other is brushed over down over my eyebrow a bit over my eyelid. I spray some cologne to finalize the look then walk down the stairs nervously. It has been a while since I've tried to plan the perfect outfit since I got burnt out but maybe I didn't do to bad.

"You dressed up today!!" Jule smiles and yells in excitement staring at me, "You look so handsome wow" she exaggerates trying to hype me up which did make me feel a bit more confident about it "Say something Adonis." she looks over at him as he just stares at me his eyes seem to be locked on me, I walk over to them then look over at Adonis, was it bad? Maybe I should have chosen something else, Jule nudges him trying to make him speak but I look away feeling disappointed for some reason.

"You" he manages to finally speak his eyes following mine "You look.."