Loose Ends (Part Four)

Laura Kinney - "Observing Him"

"What do you like to do?"

I remember, back before we got to know each other, when I had first joined the Paladins. It was one of the first personal questions Bellamy ever asked me. I didn't answer at the time. There were many questions he asked back then that I either had no answer for or chose to keep to myself.

"Come on," I remember him looking down into my face, a dull, flat expression on his face, only betrayed by the mirth in his eyes. He was picking on me, "You know, if we're going to be hanging out, it would help if I knew what your hobbies were."

He persisted, but he didn't push. He never did when it came to things like that. He always reasoned that for mundane matters involving me, he would either figure it out eventually for himself or I would trust him enough one day to reveal the information on my own.

He never did figure this out for himself, and while I do trust him enough now to share just about anything with him, I will continue to keep it to myself.

I like watching people; observing others.

At first, I did it in order to learn. Years ago, during my time with the Facility, it was expected of me to blend in around my targets until it was time to carry out my missions. How else could I do that without knowing what people were like? So, I learned to watch and study - for the purposes of imitating them well enough to to remain as inconspicuous as possible.

Despite this, I never had any prolonged contact. I didn't understand them. Even now, I oftentimes don't.

Now, I find myself watching Bellamy more than anyone else. And I find that despite this, I don't understand him either.

His care and understanding is one of his most attractive traits. He goes out of his way to learn the point of view of others, and tries to do so in order to better understand the people around him. This serves to bring people closer to him, myself included. However, he buries this part of himself underneath an irritable and contentious demeanor that oftentime contradicts his efforts.

He works extremely hard, shows dedication to his chosen tasks, and has an abundance of confidence in himself and what he is capable of, yet no result he ever achieves is satisfactory for him.

He chastises his friends and loved ones who dare to risk their health and well-being for his sake, yet he is hypocritically willing to throw himself into the teeth of any threat and suffer even for their momentary safety.

He encourages his loved ones to see the value in themselves, yet refuses to see the value he himself possesses in the eyes of others.

These are just a few of the conflicts I have found from my time around him.

Bellamy says that he is a 'simple guy', but I disagree. He is... confusing. Vexing. Maybe that is why I have always found him more interesting to watch than others.

My best opportunities to observe him come during the night, when we spend them together. Then, I can take in and appreciate everything. His appearance, his scent, the way he moves, the sound of his voice, the rhythm of his breathing, the strength of his heartbeat... all of it.

He never sleeps. He can't sleep. Still, he'll lie with me until he thinks I'm asleep. Sometimes he'll get up and either work at his desk or leave to train. Sometimes he'll stay next to me all night, staying as still and as silent as possible so as not to disturb me. Those are the times I feel the worst about using subterfuge to watch him.

It's not fair to deceive Bellamy like that simply so I can observe him... even if I do enjoy it.

But I know that even if he discovered me, he wouldn't be angry. He would comment on how odd it was, he would call me strange, but he would smile at me the entire time. There would be no malice in his tone, and that is something I still find myself getting used to.

I am fairly new to being treated well by others. When I make mistakes here, no one hurts me. I am not mistreated by others in positions of authority over me. Intead of being seen as a tool, I am seen as a person. It is just unfortunate that I am still trying to learn what that means.

Thankfully, however, I have found someone more than willing to put up with me while I do.

Megan Gwynn - "No Take-Backs"

So... I broke up with a boy that I really, really liked.

"When he realizes he's wrong, he'll fall all over himself to make it up to you," I remembered my roommate Hope saying during that weekend. The weekend where I did the stupid thing that I did, "Just give it some time. Bellamy's a pretty stubborn guy, so maybe a few weeks?"

I don't even know why I listened to her!

It wasn't like she even had any experience! She treated the whole thing like the drama in some rom-com! My five whole months of having a boyfriend (two of which were spent a continent away from him) were more than her literal never!

Yeah, Bel is a stubborn guy. But aside from that, Hope was totally off on the kind of person he is! He'd own up to stuff when he messed up, but if he didn't think he was in the wrong or couldn't be convinced that he was, he would never apologize.

And the worst part is, he wasn't wrong...

People kept talking, whispering about how close he and Laura were when I was around. They'd talk about it to me. I just couldn't take it. I thought I could, but I couldn't. He and Laura did spend a lot of time together, even if they were on a squad. And they did up and disappear without telling anyone. They did spend the summer together - at his house! She met his family before I did! I mean, what the heck, Bel?

But he and I hadn't been dating for too long at that point. He called me all the time to check in on me when I was home in Wales. I KNEW he hadn't cheated on me. I KNEW he wasn't getting close to Laura to replace me. I'd told him as much to his face! I'd laughed about it! That just isn't the kind of boy he is. He's way too loyal to do anything like that.

In the end, it didn't stop me from letting it get to me.

Bel is also way loyal to his friends. Not just to help them out of a pinch, but to let anyone badmouth them or spread lies. He dealt with people talking about him as well as he could have. The thing he took hardest about all of the rumors was that Laura had gotten caught up in them. Seriously. Between my breaking up with him, and all of the talk, the only way he could have been pushed to Laura faster was if a mutant at the school had Cupid powers and shot him in the butt with one of his arrows.

So, that was it. I screwed up, and he got with someone else. That's how the story ends, right?

But does it really have to?

I mean, Bel doesn't hate me. He definitely hates my friends from the way he and Hope look like they want to kill each other whenever they're in the same room, but I've never felt anything negative from him towards me.

He tries to talk to me like I didn't hurt him. He tries to be fair and treat me like just another member of the team. He fought Evil Illyana in Limbo for me. He still cared.

I've felt a lot of weirdness from him, yes. But I'm pretty sure I'm just as much to blame for that too. I don't even know what I want to say when he's around. And given that he's running the new team of students-turned-X-Men, he's around a LOT. It's so weird when he's explaining stuff to the team, or briefing us, because he's all serious and leader-y, and I just keep picturing him as a post-rut body pillow while he's talking.

I wanted to grab him after practice, just to have a chat and tell him how I felt. But when I went to get him before we could all hit the showers, I... just froze. I thought I was ready, but I still didn't have any idea what I wanted to say to him. I was at a loss for words. Me, at a loss for words! That never happened!

When I got out of the girl's locker room, I saw Bel still hanging around with Eddie, probably waiting for Laura and Hisako to finish changing so they could all hang out. I couldn't go over to him. It felt like the old days when I was too scared to chat him up on my own, just for different reasons now.

Noriko caught me moping my way to the dining hall and called me out on it.

"You still want Bellamy, don't you?" She asked, blunt as a sledgehammer.

"S-So what if I do?" I felt my face get red and my wings flicker. Why was it so embarrassing? I was an X-Man now. X-Men didn't get embarassed, "Is that such a bad thing?"

I tried to sound tough and confident. Clearly, it didn't work at all.

Noriko held back a laugh, showing I must have been more amusing than anything else, "Speaking objectively, because I like both of you guys, yes," She said, the smile slowly falling from her face, "You screwed him over, Pixie."

Hearing it come from someone else hurt, even after a month had passed. Between the friends and gossipers who thought I did the right thing, and the others who just kept out of our business, it was the first time that someone else had actually said it to me. Which meant it was the first time I had the chance to actually say it out loud.

I could feel a lump in my throat that hadn't been there a second ago, "I know."

It was all I could say. I could have blamed Hope, or Jessie, or Roxy. They egged me on once the rumors got hot and had been there when Bel had come to talk to me. I could have blamed Laura, because she had to have been waiting in the wings to scoop him up the first chance she got. I could have blamed Bel himself. But it wasn't them. It was me. In the end, I did it. I was the one who broke it off.

Nori nodded, but she didn't seem happy about it, "And Hisako knows," She continued, "She gives the guy hell, because it's funny. But she's got Bel's back, and there's no way she'll let you get anywhere near as close to him as you were."

"Even if I said I was sorry?" Stupid lump. Now it was making me sound funny, "I really would mean it, you know."

Nori reached out and put a hand on my shoulder. The gauntlet she wore to control her powers made it heavy, "Just because you apologize doesn't mean someone has to forgive you," She said, "Bel probably will, but I swear that guy kinda hates himself. The Paladins love him though, so they won't."

No way they would. Even Eddie, the friendliest guy ever. He didn't speak to me unless he had to work with me at practice. If he was like that with me, the others definitely weren't fans. And Laura was dating him now. How territorial would she be if she thought I was moving in on Bellamy again? I didn't really want to find out how much Wolverine she had in her.

I felt stuck. Like I was an observer in my own life. It was terrible.

I tried to blink back tears. I'd already cried enough. I didn't want to again. Definitely not in front of someone who wasn't involved, "I don't know what to do..."

"Sometimes there's nothing you can do," Nori said. She could tell that I was a few moments away from losing it, "Look, I'm not saying this is one of those times, but it might be. You can't just make it all go away."

"...Right," I nodded, and Nori thankfully left. I started to fly away, not wanting to stay on the ground where people could see me all teary-eyed.

She was right. What was done was done. I dumped Bellamy based off of hearsay. I took gossip over his word, and was talked into playing games to try and fix my problems. Maybe that was why it was so hard to just talk to him? Because I knew that apologizing wouldn't erase what happened, and what he and someone else had to deal with because of it.

Even if I couldn't get what I wanted, if I wanted to make things better, that was the first thing I had to accept.

"No take-backs."