Considerations

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I moved the phone from my ear and placed it on my field of vision. Taking out the crinkled paper from my pocket, I held both my phone and the paper side by side in front of me. The last digit of the number from my phone screen and the paper, just right after the 7 at the end, was strikingly different, mocking me in many ways possible.

(607)-143-637x

'𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘸𝘩𝘺 𝘐 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘯𝘶𝘮𝘣𝘦𝘳𝘴. 𝘏𝘰𝘸 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘭𝘥 𝘥𝘪𝘥 𝘐 𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘴𝘦?'

Staring down intensely at the digits written and laid out on the phone and the paper like it has personally offended me in the most despicable way, I closed my eyes in disbelief. For the past 20 minutes, did I just—

'𝘜𝘯𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘦𝘷𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘶𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘭𝘺 𝘶𝘯𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘦𝘷𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦.'

Annoyed, I brought the device back up on my ear and voiced out my building with irritation and rage.

"Who the hell are you?!"

"Oh great, you figured it out."

"You knew, and you didn't bother to inform me like a normal and rational person would?"

"Hey, I was trying to, but every time I did, you were always cutting me off."

"Then why did you let a total stranger ramble their thoughts on you?! For almost half an hour!?"

"I don't know? Uh curiosity?"

"Are you serious right now?"

"I think so? I mean, earlier you said you needed someone to talk to, and you insisted so I just let you."

"That doesn't explain anything that's going on right now."

"I know it is pretty weird talking about personal stuff to a total stranger."

"That's not the point of issue here!"

"Then what is?"

'𝘖𝘩 𝘮𝘺 𝘨𝘰𝘥, 𝘥𝘪𝘥 𝘐 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘧𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘥𝘪𝘰𝘵? 𝘞𝘩𝘺 𝘥𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘬𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘱𝘰𝘱𝘱𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘯𝘰𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘭 𝘮𝘶𝘴𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘰𝘮𝘴?'

"Aren't you at least a bit bothered and uncomfortable about knowing things you're not supposed to know?"

"Are you bothered?"

"About what?"

"That I know?"

"I don't know! And it's weird because now that I know that you're not Liam, I realized it was obvious it wasn't him. You sound the same but not? It's just-- I can tell the difference! Goodness, this is why I hate being distracted and frustrated, it makes me so unfocused."

That light-hearted, carefree chuckle that brings weird sensation to my eras rang from the other line once again.

"Stop that."

"Stop what?"

"Stop that laugh, it's weird."

"It's not weird to laugh when you find something funny."

A split second of silence stretched out between both lines and I used the opportunity to relax my stiff shoulders and leaned my back on the bench rest, closing my eyes.

"You sound like a gargling pig that immediately started choking." I deadpanned told him, breaking the silence between us.

"Hey! I don't sound like a pig."

"A gargling pig who chokes."

"I don't sound like— whatever it is that you are implying."

"This is the strangest encounter I ever had in my whole life."

"I know right, who tells someone they sound like a gargling pig."

"I meant the situation! Not your stupid laugh, weirdo!"

"Yeah sure. But don't worry about your rants, I won't tell anyone I promise."

"You better be. But still this is all so weird. Why am I still talking to you? I literally don't know your name."

"Then let's introduce ourselves officially!"

"Yep, you are a weirdo."

"I'm Heliodor Reyes! Nice to meet you!"

"Yeah no thank you, bye."

"Hey wait, no fair—"

I didn't let him get the chance to finish what he was about to say as I ended the call. Staring down the screen of my phone, which was now very moist, most likely caused by the cold temperature from the rain and the heat from being attached to my ear for almost an hour.

The thought of saving this new found idiot's number crossed my mind for a split second and I immediately shuddered at the notion. Willing my brain to dispose of such a ridiculous suggestion.

I let my eyelids drop close as I let myself relax.

I sighed and let my body limp for a few minutes, just plopping there on the bench. The sound of water drops from leaves and tree tops reached my ears, calming my nerves down. I didn't even realize it, but sometime a while ago, the rain gradually stopped. And because I was too invested and concentrated on bickering with someone I completely don't know, I didn't notice the change in my surroundings.

Standing up I fixed my composure and took a deep and shaky breath.

'𝘠𝘦𝘢𝘩. 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵'𝘴 𝘦𝘯𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘶𝘯𝘶𝘴𝘶𝘢𝘭 𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨. 𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯'𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦.'

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"Sit down."

Those were the first words that greeted me upon entering the house. My father's tone was still angry, but he remained calm despite his visible rage plastered and on display all over his face. My mother was sitting on the couch of our living room just opposite from where my father was, eyeing me meticulously, following my every move.

I approached them and sat on the couch, still a damp from the rain. My mother must have noticed this, for her eyebrows immediately furrowed in worry, eyes swirling with concern as she scanned my figure.

"Reyna, go change first and take a shower. Your clothes and hair are wet, we'll wait for you right here." She said, giving me warm and reassuring smile.

I nodded at her and glanced at my dad, my eyes asking if whether I should go or not. He just gave me a slight nod, silently agreeing that I should listen to my mother. I complied and stood from the couch, making my way up the stairs, striding across the hallway and entering my room.

As I closed my door, I leaned my body back and crumbled instantly. Knees buckling, and hands failing to grip any sort of support to help me stand up, causing me to hit the floor.

My breath was hitching every time I inhale, hands shaking, throat feeling like sandpaper. The words I've uttered earlier took every ounce of my strength to move.

I felt like I should cry, but tears weren't flowing down from my eyes anymore, and the state I was in was much worse than crying. I couldn't understand it, I couldn't breathe properly but I never had any respiratory problems, my head was spinning and everything was in doubled image.

My legs felt sluggish, no longer wobbly, but instead, they felt numb. They were there, I could see them, but I couldn't feel them.

I stayed like that for what felt like an eternity and it was torture, the constant headache and dizziness, the shaking of my whole form, the hollow block in my chest that became heavier and heavier every minute, the unexplainable twist and turns of my stomach that makes me want to puke.

That went on for a few minutes. And after a while of multiple breathing exercises, I finally managed to calm down.

I stood from my vulnerable state and willed myself in the bathroom, stripping off my clothes and turning on the shower without even adjusting the heat.

The sudden icy sting of the shower that reached my skin tensed up my senses and suddenly the burden in my chest and the twist and turns of my stomach was forgotten, rather my attention was now focused on the cold chilly contact of water on my pale skin.

When I came out of the shower, my nerves finally relaxed. The horrible state I was in earlier no longer lingered in me. It was still there, but not very evident that it could cause any reaction.

After changing, I went downstairs and paced through the living room. Sitting on the couch, my dad brought his newspaper down and stared at me for a minute. Breaking the tensed silence, he decided to speak.

"You're still taking law."

Emotions started boiling up my chest, confusion, sadness, anger, betrayal, hurt, and all sorts of feelings consumed me. I felt like a vulnerable little girl who couldn't do anything but listen, who wasn't even capable of doing something she wishes to do. I felt like a prisoner in my own home.

"You're entering your dream school and taking the entrance exam this summer. And pursue law."

"Dad please the—"

"I'm not yet done."

Shutting my mouth upon those words, my dad continued.

"That was the original plan, that was what we knew. Until you disrupted it by telling me you have something else in mind, even throwing off a tantrum."

"Alejandro, we've talked about this." My mother's tone was the usual soft and endearing music that always calms me, but at the same time, there was something else, a demanding and warning tone tinged and mixed within her voice, aimed directly at my father.

My father looked at my mom with a furrowed eyebrows and my mom just stared back.

That went on for only a split second and if I wasn't paying attention carefully, I would've missed the submissive gaze of my father, retreating his eyes from my mother before turning it back to me.

"You can take that ridiculous track career of yours."

My eyes lit up upon hearing the news leave his lips. But before I could even get the words out of how thankful I am, he interrupted me.

"But there are conditions you must follow."

There it is, the restrictions once again.

"I don't know what has gotten into you, and so suddenly you've changed your mind and do things unexpectedly. That is very unlike of you Reyna, you always stick to the plans you've laid out."

I sat in silence fiddling, my fingers anxiously, head cast downwards, staring at the carpet of our living room as if it was suddenly the most interesting thing in the world.

"I'm not approved of this but—"

"But he already agreed with the conditions he'll set, right Alejandro?"

My mother suddenly cut off my dad, picking my interest at the precipitous change of atmosphere. I brought my eyes up, recurrence of earlier. My mother was staring at my father with a pleading gaze as my father stared back into her own.

He sighed in defeat for whatever exchange they had in that brief moment and turned his attention to me.

"Take the scholarship exam and pursue the course of whatever bachelor of English degree you need to pursue in writing. Maintain your top grades and be a dean's lister. No attending of extra-curricular activities that won't be helpful to you, if there is one consult me first."

My eyebrows knitted in concentration for every word that came out of my father's lips, registering every single one, forming up an immediate plan, and courses of actions I'll need to make to reach his conditions.

"If even one of these conditions isn't met, you'll immediately shift to law, and that's the end of discussion. No mistakes, no distractions, no do-overs. Understood?"

"Yes Dad, I— I'll meet your conditions."

"That's the end of it, make sure to do your best on this, don't disappoint me further than you already have."

Upon saying those words that hit me like bullets, he got up and left, disapproving tone he didn't even bother hiding sipped out from his retreating figure. He turned a corner, making his way upstairs, completely disappearing from my view. And only then did I let out the breath I didn't realize I was holding.

A soft pair of warm arms wrapped around me, instantly taking away the heavy feeling in my chest. My mother's touch soothed away instantly the overwhelming pain that I was constantly feeling, reassuring me with his caressing hand that everything will eventually be alright.

"Mom?" I called out to her as I brought my arms up, hugging her figure back.

"Hmm?" I embraced her tightly, letting her envelope me with her warmth that I haven't felt for a long time.

"Why is Dad like that to me?"

'𝘞𝘩𝘺 𝘥𝘪𝘥 𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦 𝘴𝘰 𝘮𝘶𝘤𝘩?'

Those questions always nagged me at the back of my mind for so long. But I always ignored them, never acknowledging the thoughts completely. Afraid of the answer it would bring, afraid of what thoughts does my father have of me that made him so strict and restraining.

I knew what the reason might be behind his firm approach, but alas I never had the courage to confirm it or know the exact reason why. If it was related to it or not, if that memory still bothered him so much that it had changed him completely. I didn't want to confirm any of it. Those moments are far too painful for me to face.

Never once it was mentioned before in this house, ever since it happened. It was buried but never forgotten; it was never spoken of but the effect of those events brought a several-long-years of damage beyond repair that had changed us all, especially my father.

That's why I never questioned him, never defied him, for I know he does it for a good reason. My father hated surprises ever since then. He hated things that never go the way he planned. He thought me to have that kind of mindset; he thought me to be in control.

"Dear, you know what happened in the past. What he did earlier was not to be taken lightly. I'm never tolerating that kind of approach to you, and I'm angry at him for hurting you. But you know what we've been through, what he's been through. He fears things that surprise him. You startled him earlier of your unexpected change of career track and behavior it made him lose control. Especially you're about the same age as he used to right now."

My mother's voice was hushed and barely above a whisper, but I heard every single breath she said, and it made me bury myself deeper into her embrace, hugging her tighter.

"I don't understand. Why does he have to be like that, I know my limitations, I'm never repeating the same mistake, and I'm always careful of things. All I wanted was for him to return to the way he used to be back then. I know he's afraid, that's why I never questioned him about his sudden change of approach. But can't he just trust me?"

"Reyna, I know it's hard, and we had fights that are always related to this, of how he changed completely from the person he once was. But he's still recovering. He doesn't want it to happen again, so that's why he's been very strict with you. It wounded us all, and he still blames himself for what happened up to this day. He still thinks it's his fault and held himself accountable for what happened, thinking that he was the one responsible, that he was the one who didn't have control of the situation back then that resulted in your brother's death."

I closed my eyes at the sudden upbringing of the long-old-painful-memory that we barely spoken of but was very much alive. Fresh wounds still lingered within us, even after a long time.

I held her tighter as she did the same. I didn't reply anymore and just stayed there reminiscing about every single thing that was happening. Allowing myself to blank my thoughts for a while, I pushed everything back, ravishing this rare moment with my mom, reliving those moments we had when my brother was still with us.

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